In the interest of facing spring head on with pizazz and panache, I have come up with a few great ways that I can make some extra cash on the side (or someone can just pay me for working both pizazz and panache in to one sentence. That shit deserves at least a cookie or something). Those of you who lack what I call creativity, may think these ideas are crazy or weird. But I just call them ingenious.
Are you thinking about putting a lawn gnome or pink flamingo in your yard but can't quite commit? For the low, low cost of $5 per minute, I will come stand, back to you, anywhere in your yard. That way, you can see what a pink flamingo or lawn gnome would look like without having to commit to a purchase first. I'm here for you. You're welcome. (If you have no idea why this would work, go look here: tattoos).
Do you ever wonder if your jeans or an outfit make you look fat? For $20, I will come and stand next to you wearing the EXACT same outfit. You will realize you look amazing in that outfit, and buy it. This only works if you are smaller than me. If you aren't, for an extra fee, I will find you someone you can work with. I aims to help you feel pretty.
Do you ever think that you are awkward or absurd? For $50 I will accompany you to any public place and out-crazy you, making you look normal and charming by comparison. It's kind of a saintly thing to do, if you think about it.
Have you ever thought you looked out of place, or that your clothes were outdated? For $30 I will walk around with you holding up one of these:
Depending on how much I like you, I may actually be willing to do that last one for free, just because I think it would be amusing.
Is there someone in your life who is ALWAYS one upping you in conversation? For the low, low fee of $75 I will go with you to a party and be your instant comeback queen. This will at least slow that person down a bit the next time they try and come at you with a quick one. I will also leave you with a generic list of 20 comebacks so that you can attempt to do this on your own. This is not recommended if it doesn't come naturally to you, as you will most assuredly just mess it up, and make yourself look even more stupid. So just pay me to come with you. That's your best bet.
Well, that's it for now. I could've came up with something like a dog walking service, but that's just not my style. I would rather walk hamsters, or make balloon animals or something. All my balloon animals would have to be dachshunds though, as I really have no clue how to make balloon animals.
On a completely unrelated note, we are currently watching a story about a police chase here at work. At one point in the chase the man actually stole a tractor and used it to take off across a field. I am fully convinced that the guy watched way too much Footloose growing up. And furthermore, how the hell did the cops not catch up to a guy on a tractor? He has since moved to a stolen truck, but I really wish he would've just stayed on the tractor yelling weird things like, "You can't catch me, coppers!" or "I will not be slowed down by the fuzz!" I don't want to see what he looks like 'cause I've already decided he's in 1920's garb with a really awesome wax moustache.