I have been pondering this quite a bit lately. There are several people in my past whom I feel badly about, that I'd like to contact just to let them know I'm sorry for the way in which I abruptly ended our relationship. I have made quite a few mistakes I am not proud of. Part of the healing and growing process to me, is letting people know that I acknowledge what I did wrong, and that I am sorry for it.
I don't want to rekindle friendships with these people, or be a part of their lives. The reason that I ended our friendship was for a reason. But that doesn't mean I handled it in an adult fashion or did it in a way that I'm proud of. Sometimes it is necessary to just walk away. At what point is closure just not necessary? I hate that I always have the feeling of needing closure.
Sometimes it's less healthy to get in touch with someone again. Let me clarify that these were not horrible people who did hurtful things. They just did things that I don't find to be acceptable from my friends. Why do I have such a need to let them know that age old adage of "Hey man. It's not you, it's me."
I am working on letting a lot of this stuff go out in to the universe. I have been meditating on it and I am finding it hard to come to a steadfast conclusion that I'm truly happy with. I know that it's been years with some of them and I need to just move on. But there is that small part of me that wants to really be better, and thinks that part of my improvement needs to be coupled with a new round of amends. These amends would mostly be very selfish acts and things that I would do for myself. Things that would make me feel better about the person I'm trying to be. In that regard, maybe it's not fair to dredge up old memories.
Maybe my amends would do more harm than good. Maybe these people have effectively moved on and contacting them would just bring up hurtful things that they would rather not think of anymore. Am I making excuses, or is it really better to let things be? This is something I think about from time to time.
I'm leaning toward it's better to just leave things the way they are, and live for today. I can't change what I did or who I was in the past. The only thing I can control is how I am this minute. Who I am this minute is pretty awesome. Do I really need to prove that by going the extra mile and possibly doing more harm than good by contacting people I really don't wish to have contact with? I honestly don't know the right answer to that question. Do I look like a wishy washy fickle bitch in these jeans?
Happy picture of the day: holy shit this needs no explanation. This is hilarity my friends. Use me Jesus!