A Balancing Act

I have had a stressful few days, and because of it I've eaten like a total pig. I don't regret it or care about it. Today is a new day and I'm sitting here with my empty yogurt and flax seed, sipping on my green tea, getting back on track. I stress eat big time. Luckily, I don't lose my shit and stress as much as I used to. Why so stressed, you ask? Well, if I could be any more pathetic, it's relationship problems.

Now, I will never be totally honest about Rich here. I don't think it's right to bad mouth so I tend to paint my friends and romantic partners in a positive light on the internet. To do otherwise is beneath me, and I refuse to do it. All you need to know is that he is a wonderful man, but there are a few very key ingredients missing in our time together. Things that I can no longer abide by. We're attempting to talk it out and work through it, but in all honesty, I have no idea how it will turn out. Tomorrow, I may just be single. I hope that isn't the case, but I'm just not sure anymore.

I spent so many years demanding that people bend to my needs. I find that it is mighty difficult to find that perfect balance between acceptance of others' faults, and giving up parts of yourself and settling. I refuse to do the latter, and it's beginning to feel like I am. Rich has never been in a real adult relationship and he's 30. I can totally see him making efforts in some areas, and completely ignoring things he needs to do in others. I know he's better than that, but it's not my job to try and push him to be a better person. That's his job.

We had a great talk last night. He came clean about how this relationship scares him. How he's never been with a woman who has had goals and is achieving them. Who makes few demands of him and never raises her voice. This one has been a big issue. When he does something I don't like I just calmly say, "You can not act this way. I don't like it and it makes me feel unappreciated." Then I hug him and go on with having a nice time. I don't believe in passive aggression. I don't believe in staying mad and punishing someone the rest of the evening. I would just be punishing myself if I did that too. I want to enjoy myself. So I think sometimes people don't take me seriously. Like because I'm not screaming and crying I am not serious enough. That's not the case at all. When I scream and lose my shit I give you power over me. I won't allow someone to have that sort of power over me. He has seen me cry once, and it was because of something he did that was thoughtless. That's all you get with me. You get to hurt me a few times before I lay down the law and am done with it. I'm almost to that point.

I find that because I have only just begun to actually feel and deal with emotions on an adult level, I'm learning as I go and because of this, maybe I'm allowing a little bit more negative stuff to go on than I need to. Like I'm trying to prove to myself that I can do this. But I really have nothing to prove. All I can do is the best I can do. (When you're an alky like me they say your development stops the moment you pick up a drink and doesn't start to progress again until you stop drinking. I find this to be very true). So mentally I am sometimes a 17 year old. I have this keen sense of fair, and righteous indignation when someone isn't being as kind as I think they need to be. I'm learning to get over it, but it makes me hard to be in a relationship with.

I have very few demands in that I am fine only seeing someone a few days a week. I need to know that if I email or text you, I will get a timely response. This doesn't mean even 10 minutes later. But, you know, within a day is nice. I need you to be on time, or text or call to let me know why you're running late (and that only buys you a couple of passes. It is not okay to ALWAYS be running late. That's just lazy and inconsiderate). I need you to offer to pick up the tab or pay for half the meal here and there. But if we go to a fancy place I wanted to go, and you're broke, I ALWAYS cover the bill no questions asked. That's pretty much it.

To clarify again, this man does a ton of awesome and wonderful things. He is truly a good person. He is just lacking in areas that I definitely need in a partner, none of which I will get in to in depth here. The one demand I do make is that someone makes me feel like I am a priority in their life. That saying that goes, "Never make someone a priority, who only makes you an option" plays over and over in my head right now. If you don't have the strength to admit you need me in your life, then let's just agree to move on. I'm okay with that. At the same time, it is making me incredibly sad.

Happy picture of the day: me skydiving and making metal hands.

This one's for you, Pickleope.

Oh, and thanks so much to Jax over at Raviolis and Waterworks.  She put my blog on her front page reading list. So awesome of her.

Family

Do you think your family is strange and complicated? Well, sit back and enjoy the ride. You are going to get lost once or twice in the mix and be like, "What is Melanie talking about?" Then, you'll immediately breathe a sigh of relief as you realize your family is totally Waltons compared to mine, only not with a ton of kids who all yell goodnight to each other through a huge house.

Long story short: my family is huge. Gram had seven kids. Three of them have passed away. One from a stroke on her 31st birthday, and two from drug related complications. The rest live here, except my uncle Charlie who lives in Nebraska.

Growing up I had a step dad who I thought was my father 'til I was about 8. I have a step-brother Eric, a step-sister Kim, a half-sister Theresa, and a cousin my parents adopted when I was 11, who I call my sister. Her name is Tanya.

I never knew my birth father but just recently his sister got in touch with me and told me he had died in '08 of cirrhosis of the liver. I fell to the floor and cried like a baby the day I found that out. It was as if he had just died. And all hope of meeting my birth father that I'd wondered about my whole life, were dashed in one fell swoop. But I also found out that day that I had two more half sisters, Kelly and Crystal. Kelly is in recovery and has been clean over 5 years. Crystal is a still practicing alcoholic in deep denial about her drinking problem.

 I find it fascinating the strength that nature has had over nurture in my life. Growing up I never felt like I was really a part of my family. I wasn't anything like the rest of them. I was a free thinker. I was drawn to people like carnies and circus performers who were nomadic. I was goofy. I had an intelligence higher than any of them. Sky limits higher. I LOVED my booze. My mom and dad did not drink except a little beer with pizza, and the occasional glass of wine. I've seen my mom drunk exactly twice.

When I went to a bbq to meet my birth father's side of the family I would look over and catch them staring when I was talking. They said, "You are SO much like him it's crazy." I look like my father, have the sense of humor of my father, the hand gestures of my father, and the alcoholism of my father. He also rode a motorcycle and never had a home. He would just stay with whoever and wander. I really wish I could've met him. 'Cause although there may be nothing more deplorable than leaving a child, I kind of understand why he did it. He thought I was better off without him.

 My grandmother lived in a very brown part of town. One of my aunties who passed totally identified Chicana, even though no part of her was Mexican. She spoke Spanish to her kids, cooked Mexican food for them, and dated almost solely Mexican men. She had one Russian kid, one black kid, and one Mexican kid. I always called her United Nations crotch. She got pretty heavily in to drugs and was always in trouble. Once, she went to the grocery store and went to put groceries in the trunk, only to find a body one of her boyfriends had put in there. Thanks honey!

I have a strange family and they are more than slightly dysfunctional. But they made me who I am today and built my character. They gave me meth when I was 11. They fed me pot brownies when I was even younger. They taught me to never start a fight, but always finish one. One of them molested me. One of them is a hoarder who we have to go to her house and clean up every few months. One constantly tries to tear me down, and I just smile because I know she's miserable enough without me having to say a word to try and tear her down back, which I could do very easily. One taught me to play soccer and I got so good I earned a college scholarship, which I ended up declining.

 I love my family. Every last one of them. Even the molester one because I don't have the energy to hate him anymore. My family is crazy, and they are amazing, and I am proud to be a part of them.

Happy picture of the day: cutest note ever. Spoon is a whore.

Decisions, Decisions

I made a few decisions over the weekend. Ones that will make my life more enjoyable and better for me. Why should you care about them? Well, you shouldn't. But just humor me, okay?

I have decided that I am switching back to coffee immediately. I do not love green tea the way I love coffee full of Hazelnut creamer. So on payday, I'm going to buy some fair trade Tierra Del Sol coffee and some Coffeemate Hazelnut creamer and go at it. MMMmmmmmm....coffee! I have never been an all or nothing person, so why am I suddenly so consumed with getting rid of ALL processed food? I no longer am. Coffeemate and I are gonna be "reunited and it feels so gooooooood."

I have decided that I am not going to take up painting, or any sort of visual artistry. I went to the art supply store and I just didn't have any passion for the things I saw. It's a huge investment to make. I'm not ready to make it. I don't think I ever will be.

I have decided I'm going to start on my book next month. My goal is going to be to finish 10 pages a week. Start off slow and don't make any demands of myself that set myself up for failure. It's going to be about my life. It really shouldn't be interesting to anyone but I am going to do it anyways. It will more than likely never get published, and that's okay. I need to do it anyways.

I have decided that I need to stop weighing myself once a week and writing down everything I eat every day. I'm going to continue to monitor my food intake on weekdays but I am going to get rid of my "MyFitnessPal" app. I am operating like someone with an eating disorder still, and it needs to stop. I will mark one day a month on my calendar that I can step on a scale, and that is it.

I have decided that I am going to start working with an organization I came across by accident last night. There was a comedy improv group, and a few performers doing a fundraiser for Shoes & Sandwiches.
I have delivered food, blankets, water, and wet wipes to the homeless all by myself for quite some time. It was awesome to find that there is an organization locally that not only tries to effect policy change, but also gets out on the street and hands stuff out to the homeless. Most organizations keep their healthy distance so they don't have to ever actually come in to contact with the humans on the street. This organization doesn't do that, so my effort and free time will be well spent with them. I'm looking forward to becoming a part of it.

I have decided that my internet use is not really a problem. If I want to sit at home alone with my phone next to me and check my email and Foodspotting obsessively, that's not hurting anyone. Until it is, I'm not going to punish myself for it. I got out and did plenty this weekend, AND I checked my email obsessively. It's not like I turned down plans to go out, or didn't get a walk in, because I was doing it. So be it. Internet weirdo I am, and shall be for a while longer. :)

Happy picture of the day: my new light is finally installed! Now I have to try not to freak out about the ring where the old light fixture was, until I can get some flat white paint and paint around it. I also have a ring around a ceiling fan in my living room. I will fix them soon. For now I will focus on: "Ooooh, pretty light!"

Movies for February

Here are a few of the movies I watched in February that I really loved:

Drive
This movie is not in any way about what you think it is from the previews or the synopses. I really enjoyed it. If you can get past the pretty terrible music in it, you'll be all good. Same fella that did this also did Bronson, which is another favorite movie of mine. I watched it again with a friend who hadn't seen it. Great movie.

Caged Heat
Really bad 70s chicks behind bars flick. It has Eric Estrada in it!

Rachael Getting Married
I was actually surprised I liked this one. Anne Hathaway does an unlikely character for her, and she does it quite well. Also, this family should make you feel like yours isn't quite so dysfunctional.

Mutant Vampire Zombies From The Hood
With a name like that, who could resist? Not a good movie, but a so bad it's kind of good, and definitely amusing movie.

Feed
About a serial killer who feeds obese women to death. Also about the fetish of feeders and their caretakers. Totally bad acting and a horrible ending, and I make everyone who comes over watch it. It's that bad/good.

I Saw The Devil
Really great foreign thriller. Thanks for the recommendation Pickleope.

I watched a ton more but that's all I got for now. I leave you with a great song, and my happy picture of the day: Deerhunter - He Would Have Laughed

Painting given to me by a friend 'cause it scared her children. I can see why.

Hood Rat At Heart

This is not a positive post. It is a real post. If you don't like real, I suggest you skip this one and pretend that I'm super nice and enlightened all the time. I, for one, can't pretend that.

I have been laughing a lot lately about people who feel the need to degrade others in the workplace. I laugh because I know the reason those people are so rude at work, is because there is nowhere else on earth they would get away with it. If they talked to someone on the street, the way that they talked to someone in that cubicle, they'd get their asses handed to them.

I used to feel the need to exert my power over others on a regular basis. I no longer need to do that. Sometimes though, my inner hood rat comes out. And you know what? I love her and she's not going anywhere.

Even though I always had a job, I also always hussled on the side. I always made money in not so legal ways to supplement my meager early childhood salary. Whether that be selling drugs, or just hussling a bartender or patron to get what I wanted when I went out for the night. To this day if I think that someone is trying to in any way threaten my livelihood, I will come at them with a vigor that frightens even me. I have a very strong survival instinct. It's why I'm still alive after all the stuff I've been through. And no one is going to take what I have worked so hard for, from me.

There are people, mostly women, who in my career at the state have tried to throw me under the bus. I kindly remind these people in not so certain terms, that this is a bad idea. My first state job was as an Office Technician. One of my co-workers asked me to file some reports, then skitted away quickly. Since I had gotten no direction, I went to the drawer with the old reports and saw how they were filed, and then filed the ones I was given the exact same way. It took me about three hours to sort and file these reports. The next day, this woman went to my supervisor and told her I'd just thrown the reports in the drawer, and I got called in to be talked to about it. I asked that my co-worker come in on the meeting. As soon as she sat down I said, "For one, you gave me no instructions on how to file these. I did so in the way that the others were filed: by report number and then oldest on the bottom, newest on top. Secondly, I would've come to you for further clarification but couldn't do so as you were on a personal phone call about your daughter skipping school, for over two hours. So please, you tell me exactly what it is that you think I should have done, and I'll be sure to do that next time." A few months later she came at me with something petty again, and I said, "And maybe if you didn't come in an hour and a half late, take a two hour lunch, then leave a half hour early, you could've finished that task yourself." That was the last I ever heard from her about my work.

My thing is this: I am EXTREMELY observant. You get that way after years running the streets with not so savory characters. When I'm walking down the street, I know when someone fifty yards behind me has sped up their walking speed. In the same way, I know who comes in late at work and who leaves early. I know how long people take on lunch. I know who is wandering around visiting instead of working. I know who has been on personal phone calls most of the day. I usually do nothing with this knowledge. I'm not your boss and it's not my business to time keep or make sure you're performing adequately. I am on the internet a ton at work too. The difference is, I've never in my career missed a deadline. My work is always completed well ahead of schedule. What I do know is this: if you try and get me in trouble at work, I will pull out my laundry list of knowledge and throw it in your face.

The other day one of the ladies was bitching about how people shouldn't get days off when school board items are due. I quickly replied, "And I'm sure very few people appreciate how you get two weeks off every year when board items need to be posted, as you are the one who posts them. But you know, we do what we can." She stuttered and tried to explain how her situation was different, and I just smiled. We all do this. Everyone is caught being a hypocrite sometimes. Hell, I know I'm guilty of it. I don't mind it being called to my attention, because that means I can recognize and fix it. Most people are not so happy to hear when someone else finds what they are saying utterly ridiculous.

You should really think before you try to play the fool. The person who is always running their mouth with something to prove, is rarely the one you should fear. If you try to be an ass to someone who you think is just this nice little innocent, you may get your ass handed to you when you least expect it. It's better to just not try to victimize others at all. Because then you won't have to ever feel the wrath of someone who is backed in to a corner. This house I'm sitting in is something I've worked hard for in life, and I'll be damned if anyone is going to do anything to threaten that. And I will never make any apologies for defending what is mine.

Happy picture of the day: my fuschia Pumas with a highlighter yellow stripe. They are so ugly, that they are amazing.

My Neighborhood

I was looking at houses online for about two years before I narrowed down what neighborhood, and what kind of house, I wanted to live in. I definitely didn't want to be in a home built after 1969, and I wanted a neighborhood with history, that had been yet untouched by the gentrification going on in so many of the ethnic neighborhoods around the country.

I found it, and I am so very happy I did. I live in a neighborhood called North City Farms. I was able to purchase my home for extremely cheap, even though it has many upgrades from when it was built in 1947. My mortgage is less than that of most my friends' rent in midtown, and I'm about 3.5 miles away from city center. I couldn't be happier.

My neighborhood is mostly Mexican, and the shops are family owned by people who live here. I bought my xmas tree on the corner, from a guy who lives around a different corner. I love the sense of community there is here, even if I still get sideways glances when I walk in to buy pan dulces. I don't blame them. They don't want a bunch of folks like me moving in to their neighborhood and "fancying it up." Well, I sure as hell don't want that either.

Ten minutes one way is the Vietnamese part of town, and 5 minutes the other way is a small Japanese enclave. When I moved in my mom was a little scared of where I was moving. I just reassured her, "These people are poor like me, mom." My neighbors wave when I drive by. I had a neighbor when I asked to borrow a ladder, come and clean out my gutters for me. THAT is the kind of neighborhood I wanted to live in.

Now, I do make more than most in this community. I have cable with HBO and Showtime. I can afford to shop at specialty grocers and buy only seasonal produce. I have a little more liquid income than the folks around me who have sheets hanging in the windows instead of curtains. But I feel at home here. And this isn't my starter home. This is where I plan on staying unless I see a bunch of Starbucks and new store fronts with boutiques go in. Then I might consider going somewhere else.

This is Scott's Burger Shack. It totally reminds me of something you'd see in a scene of Southland. The food is good and the workers are no nonsense. "Just a second hon!" they'll yell as you stand at the order window. Sometimes there's just one lady in there working the grill and taking orders.

 Source

Here is the place that makes the best pan dulces in the whole wide world. People drive hours to get this stuff. I usually get the puerquito, or the nino envuelto.

 Source

I know, both food places, go figure. Here is the store I can walk to in about two minutes.

Source 

My neighborhood has history and personality, and I wouldn't change a thing about it. It's virtually untouched by chain stores and modern "conveniences" like fast food places. I really like it here. 

This neighborhood isn't for everyone. You'll almost always see someone on the street who is definitely on one drug or another. There are little fruit carts out chopping up fresh cups of fruit with chile powder on the weekends. You will almost always hear cumbia blasting somewhere in the neighborhood. I love that about this place. I wouldn't change a damn thing.

No Computer Days

I had such a lovely trip up in the foothills of Auburn Monday night and most of Tuesday. I got to eat a great dinner, go to a rad dive bar, and watch tons of bad movies laying in bed with doggies. It was a much needed respite from city life.
On the trip I decided I'm going to do several no computer days every week. That includes checking the internet from my iPhone. I'm going to start out just doing Saturdays and Sundays. We'll see how that goes. Obviously, this will be an outside of work exercise, as being at work I am required to be on the computer pretty much all day every day. I rely on electronic life a little too much for my liking still, so I'm going to try and take this extra step. We'll see how it goes.

Here is a pic of the great dive bar I hung out at Monday night. The bartender played Nina Simone songs and they had several n/a beers for me to drink instead of just the regular old O'Douls. That was nice. They also had a killer jukebox. I got to listen to MGMT, Loretta Lynn, ELO, Ray LaMontagne, Joe Jackson, and all kinds of other stuff I love.

Here are the doggies I got to sleep with. They are miniature pinchers and cute as all get out.

I apologize for the weird formatting of this post. I am having an issue with uploading pics on my computer, and had to do it via iPhone Blogger app, and I can't seem to fix it. This will hopefully not happen in future posts. If it does, I may have to stab myself in the eye with a rusty spork.

Yesterday, Anxiety Won

I was having a great day with my girlfriend Ally watching Audrey movies and other strange stuff. We had spaghetti with my dad's gravy. His sauce is the best I've ever had. We talked about our relationships, and some stuff our friends are going through. It was a lovely and relaxing day. Then Ally left.

 I started freaking out about an appreciation dinner I had agreed to attend. I wasn't going to know anyone there. I started sweating. Sweating turned in to throwing up and my head feeling like it was in a vice. I ironed the dress I was going to wear and tried to power through it. I got in to the shower and cried. I got out of the shower and Rich called. I asked, "How mad are you going to be if we don't go to this dinner?" He said not mad at all. I emailed to let them know I wouldn't be going, at the last minute, something I HATE to do. But I did it. Everything inside me knew this was the best choice.

Anxiety won this round. I couldn't go to this get together. I had a panic attack for the first time in a long time, and no amount of breathing and meditating could conquer it. I was defeated.

Sometimes I actually think I need these little reminders that I am human. I am not all powerful and I am sick. I can function to a degree but there are things that are going to be with me forever, things that make my life a more difficult place to navigate through. And you know what? That's okay. If I can get through them without beating myself up so much, and just keep my chin up and carry on, then I'm going to make it out the other side okay, just like I always have. I am a strong woman, and these things which seem crippling at times, are only temporary.

Today I got up, brushed myself off, and am ready to clean the house and watch some movies. I am then going to drive up to see a friend in Auburn. We're going to find little diners and biker bars. We are going to have an awesome night.

Last night turned out great too. I have a boyfriend who goes with the flow when I have to change plans. He took me out and treated me to a lovely dinner at one of my favorite little cafes in town. He is a supportive guy, and I'm so happy I have him.

Happy picture of the day: a guy up about 50 feet in the tree in my back yard. After 1450 bucks, all of my trees are healthy and good to go for another five years. I can breathe a lot easier knowing that they are taken care of, and will shade my house for years to come. I prayed for that man in the tree. I got nervous just seeing them up there.

Television

I hear so many people talking about their guilty pleasures. I don't understand what that means. I don't feel guilty about any of my pleasures, including the laundry list of television shows I watch on a regular basis. I will only mention one show I love that is no longer on, because if you haven't seen it, you need to take a weekend and just sit and do nothing but watch the whole series. I'm talking about Six Feet Under.
Most of you know Michael C. Hall as the lovable serial killer Dexter. I know him as the self-loathing gay brother who runs a funeral home.

I watch a ton of tv. Maybe I watch more than I should, and maybe I don't. What I do know is that I make no apologies for the shows I love. I sometimes sit around an entire Sunday catching up on dvr'd shows and watching bad movies. Here are some of the shows I watch on a regular basis:

Parenthood

Criminal Minds

Modern Family

Person of Interest

Mob Wives

Supernatural

I like shows where they use great music. I like crime drama. I like to laugh. I like shows where I get so involved with the characters that they kind of feel like family. I watch pretty much all AMC, HBO, and Showtime series. I heard Starz has some good ones now too, but I don't have Starz, and I'm not getting it. I'll leave you with one of my favorite songs, that played on Thursday night's episode of Point of Interest.

Fever Ray - If I Had A Heart

You don't have to feel guilty or ashamed of anything you enjoy. And don't let anyone make you think you do.

Happy picture of the day: fresh-squeezed orange juice. I juiced about 16 tiny oranges to get this one large glass of juice. It was worth every minute.

All Over The Place Friday

Well, I finally slept a full night's sleep last night and I'm so hyper I could scream. I decided to drop my focus, which was going to be Food Focus Friday, and just do a random post to let all this stuff out of my head.

I went to this little cafe this morning for breakfast called Harry's Cafe. It's this magical little place run by a Chinese couple, and maybe his or her mother. I am pretty sure they have no other employees, and are there from open to close. They have two pages of American breakfast, and one page of Asian breakfast. I haven't eaten there in years so I decided on one of the Asian choices called Harry's Breakfast #1. I don't think I could eat a breakfast called #2. Anyways, it had steamed rice, red and green bell peppers, smoked sausage, onions, two eggs, and some lovely sauce on it. I ate about 1/4 before I had to throw in the towel. When I asked for a box Harry asked, "What's wrong with it?" I said, "Oh, it's delicious. I'm just stuffed, and now I have dinner for my friend and I tonight. I don't have to cook!" He smiled and I boxed up the leftovers. This place is my kind of place. I do enjoy nice restaurants, but I equally enjoy small neighborhood joints with comfort food. The food here is definitely that.

Could you eat this whole plate? I most certainly couldn't.

I have a packed weekend coming up, and I'm pretty excited about it. Tonight my homo husband, Jesus (it's hey zoos, not jee zus. And no, he does not bowl) is coming over to watch movies and hang out. He is one of my closest friends, and I love him to bits. We don't see each other very often 'cause he works full time for UC Davis, and is working on his second master's degree. Damn overachievers!

Saturday night I am doing movie night with two of my favorite couples. My best friend Christina and her boyfriend Korey, and my friend Josh and his wife Crystal. Josh and Crystal are both journalists, and are two of the funniest people on earth. I have known Josh since I was 15. If you like poetry you should check out Josh's book here, and buy it. Spare Parts and Dismemberment. He is a great writer, and I swear when we are together my cheeks hurt from laughing about 10 minutes in. He is hilarious.

Sunday night Rich and I are going to a Habitat for Humanity appreciation dinner. I do work with them sometimes and I'm really honored to get to have dinner on them. They will be giving out awards and recognizing folks who work hard to build homes in Sacramento's older neighborhoods, as well as upgrading older homes inhabited by folks who can't afford to do the upgrades themselves. They do great work, and I'm really proud to be a part of it.

I have Monday off for the holiday, and I took Tuesday off so I can go visit my friend Raylynn up in Auburn. We are going to eat on the cheap, then run around to biker bars and explore little hole in the wall places around the foothills. I love exploring. I usually find the best places, while wandering around with no particular place to go.

So today I feel great. I look forward to an exciting weekend with friends. I am cleaning on Monday instead of Sunday so we'll see how that goes. When I break schedule it kind of messes with me. That's why I'm forcing myself to do it more often. Oh, and in other GREAT news: as soon as I made my Sunday post it made me think. I told Rich that every time he comes over he needs to bring his camera, and I have to take at least 10 posed photos. We've been doing it and already I've noticed I don't HATE all the pictures every time. Once I actually only hated 2 out of the 10. That is huge for me. I'm really happy that I force myself to work on my stuff, even when it's hard. It's the only way I'm going to get over my fears.

Happy picture of the day: one of the picture's Rich took. I don't love it, but I didn't make him delete it either, so that's something.



Happy Place

I have been posting way too much serious stuff lately. It's time to have a day just to show y'all some things, and talk about stuff, that has made me smile in the past week.

First, two failbook pictures that totally made me laugh.

That shit is for real. I actually make deals with the spiders in my house. If they stay in the guest room, they can live. If they venture in to my kitchen or bedroom, they are toast. Toast I say!

Oh, so true.

I got this next one from failbook too I think. I'm not crediting any of these photos because I either had them sent to me from friends, or they are from failbook.

I sometimes think I need to hang this one in my cubicle at work.

I love pretty much anything to do with the original Star Trek, but the fake motivational pictures and this make me super happy. Have you ever gone to YouTube and searched "Trololo man, Star Trek?" If not, you should do so immediately.

Carry on, captain!

I went to see the Go Go's this year and they sounded amazing, and looked gorgeous too. This old picture of them made me smile from ear to ear. Love those ladies.

Ahh, Belinda Carlisle dressed as Mary Anne Jalotnik dressed as Pat Benatar (Fast Times at Ridgemont High reference, in case you missed that. If you did miss it, shame on you. Go rent that movie!)

On the way in to work sometimes I park at the same time as this forty-something Nigerian gentleman. He drives a beautiful Mercedes and is always dressed impeccably. We talk about different things. The first day we ended up walking together I turned and asked, "Are you from Nigeria?" and he looked shocked. He said, "Yes, how did you know?" I said, "I once interviewed a Nigerian mother about differences in child rearing practices between Nigeria and here. I think your accent is one of the prettiest ones of all time." He got absolutely giddy. I don't know that I've ever seen a man that age get giddy. Anyways, my walks in with him in the morning really brighten my day. This morning we talked about making food from scratch, and how bad processed food is. He exclaimed that Americans have gotten positively lazy in the kitchen. Anyways, sometimes I really reject talking to strangers and I do everything possible to avoid it. I'm glad that wasn't the case with this fella.

To Err Is Human

I have a hard time remembering this for myself. Other people can make mistakes and I am very patient and forgiving. Not so much when it comes to me making the mistakes.

The past two weeks I've been an absolute bear. I've been ranting and venting about Rich and I am really sad that I have stooped. My back hurting, and me not sleeping, is no excuse. He's a good guy and I need to concentrate on his good points and stop focusing on the bad. He has very little bad, and the bad he does have, he is really struggling with to make better. I have been a horrible girlfriend.

I apologized to him, and he had no idea what I was talking about. He didn't even notice. He is such a good guy, that even when I'm not so perfect and not so positive, he doesn't even see it. HE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I WAS BEING HORRIBLE. I need to be more appreciative of stuff like that. Once when we first started dating we were hanging out with a couple that was nitpicking. I said, "I'm glad we're not like that. I'm glad that even though there are things about each other we may not care for, we don't treat each other like that." He actually turned to me and said, "There's nothing about you I don't like." I almost died. I felt like a jerk. But not half the jerk I feel like right this minute.

He showed up last night in jeans and a t-shirt. He had a pair of slacks, a nice sweater, and a pair of dress shoes with him to change in to so he could look nice at dinner. He looked so handsome after he changed my heart melted a little. It melted a little more when he came out of the bathroom with his hair sticking up all crazy bedhead in the back. I said, "Babe, your hair back there is a little..." He started mussing with the other side. I said, "No hon, the other...." and he started mussing with the front. He knew where his hair was sticking up but was totally messing with me. This made me smile and I said, "It doesn't hurt here, or here, but kind of right here" and we both laughed.

He sat next to me on the couch and I leaned over on him, then I said, "I can't really sit like that. It makes my back hurt." So he leaned back on the edge of the couch and said, "Here, can you lay on me if I sit like this?" It looked really uncomfortable so I asked, "But are you comfortable now?" He answered, "Not terribly, but I know you want to snuggle and if you'll be more comfortable in this position, I can work with it." I wanted to cry. This man deserves a nicer, gentler Melanie.

So that's what I'm working on today. I need to try and catch myself when I'm venting and horrible and it has NOTHING to do with the other person. It's a personality trait I loathe. I don't like folks who project. I need to stop being one of them.

He brought me this, and it is cheesy, and absolutely perfect and I love it.

Oh, and random picture of the day: this lady put up a sign to let folks know she moved. I want to bring her an inflatable palm tree tomorrow and take it to her and say, "I wasn't sure if they had these on your side of the isle." Misspelled signs amuse me terribly. Same lady once had a box labeled, "Miscellaneous Shread." I took a red pen and did an edit mark to remove the a. I'm an ass.

Happy Valentine's Day

I've always been pretty "meh" about Valentine's Day. I show my loved ones I care about them year round. This is the first year I haven't been single in quite some time so I'm going to a fancy dinner with my boyfriend, best friend, and her boyfriend. I am looking forward to it, but it's really no different than any other day. All I know is, if Rich doesn't show up with some lame homemade card or something I'm gonna be bummed. He's not very thoughtful when it comes to stuff like that and I have to prod him sometimes, and decided I wasn't going to do it about this holiday, which really isn't much of a holiday at all.

I'm pretty grumpy overall because I'm on day nine of horrible lower back pain. I'm out of pain meds and the ibuprofen just doesn't cut it. I made an appointment for Friday so hopefully I can get in to physical therapy or learn some better exercises. The ones they gave me to do before aren't working. I also need to get a new chair at work. This one stinks to high heaven.

Anyways, I don't really have anything to say today that isn't whining and complaining, and I really don't want to put that out there on a day full of flowers and hearts. I hope you all have a lovely day with your loved ones, and eat far too much chocolate. :)

Happy picture of the day: new plugs I got from etsy. I heart them.

VDay early update: So I got two things for Valentine's already, and both totally made me smile. First, the saddest excuse for a heart shaped cookie I've ever seen.

We'll call it the giant guitar pick cookie. Or for the not so polite: the vaginal rash cookie.

 Next, the best Valentine card I've ever gotten. Thanks Kymberley!

"Dearest Melanie, Happiest of Valentine's Days! If I was a lesbian you would be my first choice. Kymberley." You can't beat that with a stick!

I'm Fat, And That's Okay

Hi, my name is Melanie, and I'm a fatty. I am not unhealthy. I do not have diabetes nor am I on my way to having it. My blood pressure is wonderful. I eat whole foods. I work out four days a week. I monitor my calories to keep them under 1600, and my fat grams under 20, five days a week. I splurge on the weekends and have eggs and bacon, or a burger, or ice cream, or whatever else it is I want. I am not on a diet. I eat in a way that makes me feel good every day. You do not need to tell me, "You are not fat." I am fat. Fat is an adjective which describes me, and I'm owning it. I am 5' 9" and weigh 219 right now. I wear an 18 pant, a 16 dress, and a 12/14 top. I'm not trying to lose weight. I've gained and lost and gained and lost and this seems to be where my body is comfortable. So instead of fighting it and doing unhealthy things in order to try and look the way society thinks I should, I decided to just be healthy instead. Mission accomplished.

Studies show that 95% of people who diet, gain the weight back. Those who don't have to live like someone with an eating disorder. I am not interested in starving myself so that people will think I am healthy. I know that I will do far more harm to my body fad dieting and dropping weight, then gaining again, so I choose not to do that. Also, I have never met a person who lost a few pounds and suddenly all their problems were solved. I decided to be happy with who I am, and who I can be in the future, without taking a number on a scale in to consideration. That doesn't mean I don't weigh myself. I do. I don't wish to be any bigger than I am. But I don't wish to be any smaller either. If my eating and working out cause me to lose weight, I'm okay with that. I'm okay if that doesn't happen too. So far it hasn't, so I don't see a skinny Melanie anywhere in my future, and that's just fine with me.

I am constantly working on not judging other folks based on appearance. It is hard not to look at someone and assume you know how they live their life. But it's also a huge waste of time. How sick is it to look at someone else and judge them because you think they live an unhealthy lifestyle? Pretty dang sick. I don't know that that skinny girl needs to eat a sandwich. She's probably in the same place I am. She may want to gain weight and her metabolism just won't allow her to no matter what she does. It's time for women to be empathetic and supportive, rather than catty and judgmental. If we spent more time working on being good people and liking ourselves, we wouldn't have to worry about what Tom, Dick, and Harry are doing. 'Cause it wouldn't be important. We need to stop making comparisons, and just work on us.

How about instead of saying to someone, "Wow, have you lost weight?" We just say to them, "Wow, you are looking hot today. You're glowing!" Take weight out of the equation.

Our society pushes that fatties like me are an epidemic. We are causing your healthcare to be more expensive. We are ruining the world. Well, I'd like to see the evidence. There are just as many thin unhealthy folks, as fat ones. I, for one, am not buying the BMI that says "You're obese." I am fat. I am healthy. People can live with it. I know I can.

I don't work out at a gym, because I think running on a moving sidewalk is weird. I think riding on a bike that goes nowhere is ridiculous. I don't need an elliptical machine. We seem to be the only society obsessed with gyms. If you love the gym, more power to you. I need to run outside. I have to ride a real bike. I work out with weights in my back yard. The only machine I use to help with my fitness is my wii fit, for when I want to have a day of yoga, and silly cardio stuff. I like my wii fit. It's fun and it's nice for when the weather isn't cooperating.

I don't eat "lite" or diet foods, except for Smart Ones and Lean Cuisines, which I eat because I'm lazy. I hope to phase those out of my diet in the next year or so. I believe in eating normal things like butter, full fat ice cream, and other things in moderation. I believe in enjoying the food you eat and appreciating while you are chewing. I believe in mindful eating and thinking about how food is nurturing your body, while you eat.

Most of all, I believe in working to fight stereotypes. I do not go home and stuff my face full of twinkies. I do not sit on the couch with a 64 oz. soda in my hands watching Housewives. Weight loss is not a simple calculation of "calories in/calories out." Metabolisms vary. People vary. Not everyone needs to look like you. It would be a mighty boring world if they did.

That's me, working out in the back yard with a 20 lb. kettlebell. Behind the kettlebell is my huge belly, and holding the kettlebell is a large arm. It's a fit body, but it's not a stereotypically fit body. I'm coming to terms with it. I wish other people could do the same.

Growth

No, I'm not talking about the tree man, or the vishnu baby, I'm talking about personal growth. Although, that kind of growth fascinates me, I can not tell a lie. Growing older does not equal growing wiser. You can walk out your front door right now and point to a few examples of this right this minute, I'm sure. Growth takes work. Here are a few things I've learned that I need to do, in order to continue learning and growing.

Be self-aware: I don't think I'm perfect, far from it. I know and acknowledge all of my faults. Some I have already fixed, some are in the works of being fixed, and others will be with me forever. I just do what I can to make sure I am not in denial, or blaming others for why my life is the way it is. In every interpersonal relationship gone awry, I can now see that I was the only common denominator in them. I control my own destiny. Unless you are a child, it is no one else's fault if you are angry, miserable, and the like.

Stop blaming others for my unhappiness: This is kind of a continuance of being self-aware. In the past if I was broke, it was my job's fault for not paying me enough. If I was unhappy in my relationship, it was my boyfriend's fault for not being who I needed him to be. If I was pissed at my roommate, it was her/his fault for eating my food or not cleaning the way they were supposed to. But you know what? Those are all choices I chose to stay in. Wrong choice.

No seeking approval for poor behavior: Whether through putting it on social networking sites and hoping people say how right you are, or by bringing up situations while talking with folks, it is a really bad habit. I remember when I was at my worst with drinking, I surrounded myself with people who constantly talked about how I didn't have a drinking problem. People who said how fun I was and how I'd never acted really bad like SOME drunks. When I was with a man I shouldn't be I'd talk about it so that my friends would say what an ass he was and how he needed to act better. Reality of it was: I am the only one who needed to change and act better. It is really dishonest to stay in a bad relationship. If you are using someone to boost your self-esteem, it doesn't work. Self-esteem has the word "self" in it for a reason. It comes from you, and no one else.

Say you're sorry only when you mean it, and then try and fix what you had to apologize for: I find that a lot of people are like robots with their apologies. They know they did something wrong, so they automatically say sorry. Then they continue to do the same thing over and over and over. Sorry isn't just a word, it's a proclamation. It's acknowledging that you did something you shouldn't have. After the word is spoken it must be followed up by action. Otherwise, don't say it at all. It's okay to NOT be sorry for something you have said that bothers someone. If I give my honest opinion to someone, and it's not the outcome they wanted, I'm not sorry for that, and I'm not going to lie and say I am. I can say, "I'm sorry that wasn't what you wanted to hear." But I can't say, "I'm sorry that I said that" because I'm not.

Don't expect change to happen over night: With yourself, or with someone you are interacting with, true change takes time. You are not going to change something horrible, the minute you notice it and try to fix it. Especially with the big things, change is going to occur gradually over time. This is not an excuse to use when you aren't putting in the true effort to change something. Also, you can never change something for someone else. You can work on something because you know it bothers someone else, but you have to acknowledge what that change will help you out with in your life, or the change will only be temporary. True change comes from reflection and knowledge, and not because someone tells you, "You always date unworthy men. You need to fix that."

Force yourself to challenge your fears/anxieties: My anxiety disorder used to be FAR worse. I'd have panic attacks while driving and have to pull over. I wouldn't be able to invite large groups of people in to my house. I couldn't stay anywhere that was so crowded I was touching people, unless I was REALLY drunk or high. Now I can do all of these things with only slight discomfort. Why? I FORCED myself to go in to crowds and realize I wasn't going to die from their germs, or them getting sweat on me. I forced myself to drive in bad traffic. The same kind of traffic I'd been hit in by a flatbed truck that destroyed my back and made it so that I am in terrible pain at least a few days a week now. I forced myself to have people over. I had dinner parties every other month and it wasn't a huge effort to get my house back to the clean I needed, after people left. No one destroyed my home. It's still in one piece.

It took me over 30 years to get to a place where I realize I need to constantly strive to learn and grow, to be complete. I hope I never get to the point where I think, "That's it. I know all I need to know. I've reached the pinnacle of adulthood and here I'll stay until the day I die." In reality, I hope that no one does that. There's always somewhere nicer, better, and happier to be in life. We should all accept our progress, and strive for perfection, knowing that we'll never get there.

Happy picture of the day: I like how Nina looks like she is watching over my buddhas. I didn't set it up that way on purpose. I really like when something accidentally turns out looking like inanimate objects, somehow have a life force.

Tattoos

I love them. I love each and every one that I have, and I plan on getting tons more. I know they're not for everyone, and I have a ton of respect for those who know they don't ever want one. But now, for a creepy picture post in to my soul. Because I don't have any tattoos that don't represent a little part of who I am, who I was, or who I aspire to be. There is nothing worse to me than someone covering themselves in tattoos that mean nothing to them.

What? You didn't think I'd have a tattoo of a spork? PISH! Then in the middle that's my sobriety tattoo. If anyone lives near New Jersey there's a fantastic artist there that did several of my pieces, including that center one on my chest.

These are my cupcake and lollipop tattoos, which are behind my ears. They are to signify my hidden sweetness. Say it with me now, "Awwwwww."

The second tattoo I ever got was a Charles Bukowski quote on one wrist, and an At The Gates quote on the other. I consider all tattoos gotten in one sitting to be one tattoo. That's just how I roll.

The first tattoo I ever got. An om symbol, in the tramp stamp area. Oh, the irony.

I love hideous yard decor so I got the lawn gnome and pink flamingo together. Then I decided I needed to signify my metal roots. I don't listen to metal that much in my older age, but that's pretty much all I used to listen to was guitar riffs and people screaming about random shite. I got the metal hands because I kept seeing girls with cherries, and ribbons on the bottom of their legs, and I thought it would be funny to get metal hands there.

If you whine near me I generally will whip out the finger teardrops. Far superior to the finger moustache, and twice as useful.

I heart Hedwig. Some friends of mine did a local production of Hedwig And The Angry Inch. They were all going to get the tattoo and my friend said, "I'll pay for yours if you get one." That's pretty much all the convincing my hungover ass needed. Foot tattoos = ouchie. My tattoos started out having meaning, and attempting to be powerful. Then I realized who I really was was a goofball, so the tattoos needed to represent that. I don't regret any of them. All are definitely a part of who I am. My next one will be see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil with Mr. Potato Heads (one has the eyes pulled out. One has the ears missing. You get the point). After that I'm getting Audrey Hepburn followed by a montage of things from her movies that will eventually be a 3/4 sleeve. Then I'm getting John Hughes movie images on the other arm, starting with Long Duck Dong hanging upside down from the top bunk. Tom Selleck will get his face in there somehow. So many tattoos I need, so little money.

I Only Look Low Maintenance

I always look at women with their make up on, hair perfectly flat-ironed every day, and wonder how they do it. I don't wear make up or do my hair to work. I sometimes come to work with my hair half wet because it's thick and I didn't feel like drying it all the way. I think make up is fun, and my hair looks exponentially better when I actually, you know, style it, but that's just not happening to come to cubicle land.

Looking like a bum at work save my lovely wardrobe, I kind of feel like I'm deceiving everyone. There are a lot of upkeep things I have to do all the time, in order to feel human. I am obsessed with hair removal, moisturizing, smelling nice, and not having icky feet.

Hair removal: I get my eyebrows waxed twice a month, and another body part waxed once a month. I used to get my eyebrows threaded but I have a friend who's an esthetician and she's pretty magical, so she does my eyebrows now. I go to another lady for my other waxing stuff. She is amazing too. I also can't stand my legs to be stubbly or hairy. I had laser hair removal on my lip and chin. I didn't have some monster 'stache and beard, but I had enough that it bothered me. The hair removal was worth every penny. I have to go and get one more treatment for right under my nose. That area hurts the worst, and is the hardest to get to with the lasers.

Moisturizing: I have two different lotions for my body. I have two serums, and three different moisturizers for my face. I have two moisturizers specifically for my feet. Don't get me started on the smell-good lotions people keep giving me, which I rarely use. I don't want to smell like warm vanilla sugar. I want to smell like soap and girl.

Smelling nice: Obviously, I bathe regularly. I wear very little perfume but I do love DKNY Delicious, Lamb, and Diesel fragrances. You should have to hug someone to smell their fragrance. If you can smell it when they walk by, they've put on too much.

My feet: Here's where people freak out. I use a Black and Decker Mouse sander on my feet. I can not stand to have feet that are the least bit crusty. I had tried everything to keep my feet soft including paying for regular pedicures. Nothing worked. I was chatting about it years ago to a friend and she let me in on her little sanding secret. I've been doing it ever since, and I have to say I have no complaints. You just have to make sure you use the finest grain sandpaper and are careful. In my opinion it's no different than using a pedi-egg or those other shaver things.

I own make up that makes the biggest make up heads drool. I wear it only once a month or so. I have very sensitive skin so I'm super picky. Before I put on make up I use a Dermalogica microfoliant. Then I use a toner. Then I put on a primer. Then finally I use Shiseido foundation. I use a MAC loose powder, and nothing but Dior mascara touches my eyelashes. Eyeshadows I'm less picky about, and will use all kinds. I forget what kind of blush and bronser I have. I spent years figuring out what cosmetics worked for me, and now I've got it down pat. I like MAC glosses, and Dior or NARS lipsticks. I usually go dramatic with my eyes, so I keep the lips neutral. If I do just a liner on my eye, which is rare, then I will do a red lipstick.

I have found that even the simplest of ladies has their routines to feel lady-like. I have quite a few, only no one would ever guess. I'm betting everyone thinks I just roll out of bed and get going. On the days I don't wear make up I still exfoliate, use toner, and moisturize. The last two twice a day, with special night and day serums or creams. It ain't easy being a girl, or a metrosexual I suppose. I am of the belief that there are very few truly low maintenance women in the world. Even those of us sitting around in yoga pants, with our hair in a pony tail, have done at least a little work to be girly that day.

Happy picture of the day: switchblade spork. Because you shouldn't just be able to eat with a spork, you should be able to fling it out with authority, and claim your meal like a badass.

Attraction

It's different for everyone. I have never been one to think that stereotypically "pretty" people were attractive. I'm not saying I don't find any hot stars attractive, 'cause I do. But generally it's because I have seen them be interesting during an interview, or heard that they still ride the bus, or they just seem like someone I'd want to be around. My number one star crush is Zach Galifianakis. Bet you didn't see that one coming. I have been in love with him since I saw the first Between Two Ferns. His standup kills me. And yes, I think he's adorable.

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I think pretty much everything that escapes his mouth is hilarious. I even watched the dreaded Jimmy Fallon show to see his piece on it. Not shockingly, it was hilarious. I wasn't so much a fan of his SNL appearances, but I get the distinct impression he wasn't either. He seemed to really not want to be there, and to be doing it for PR purposes.

I love Paul Rudd. I want to spend the day just hanging out with Paul Rudd, slappin' the bass, and doing 80s dances. Paul Rudd seems to be someone I'd like to spend some time with. Call me, Paul.



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Okay, that picture is totally cracking me up.

I also am madly in like with Ryan Gosling. Did you see the video of him breaking up a street fight? My man! Also, he apparently still rides the bus. I'm down with Ryan Gosling. No, I did not say I'd go down on Ryan Gosling. (Still, call me Ryan. We can probably work something out).



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But on to the real life men. It's kind of hard to describe. I like someone who carries themselves well. I like someone who has a great, if not slightly strange, sense of humor. I adore someone who compliments freely. I like honesty, and someone who you can just FEEL is a genuinely nice human being. Nice is pretty much the sexiest personality trait out there as far as I'm concerned. And if you can make me belly laugh, forget it, I'm yours.

My boyfriend has all those traits. He writes me cute notes that he can't wait to see me. He looks at me in ways that he doesn't have to say a word, and I know how much he adores me. He finds all of my personality weirdness charming. Believe me, I have a LOT of weird personality traits. He lets me cuddle him like a teddy bear when I need human contact. He plays with my hair and tickles my back. He is a genuinely good man. He doesn't care when we're kissing and I start licking his cheek or blowing as hard as I can in to his mouth. He lets me dance and sing made up songs about, "Ooooh, baby, you make me want to make you butternut squash soup and eat crusty bread. Then I want to eat some ice cream and kiss your mouth when I still have ice cream in mine!" Yeah, I don't make up good songs. (I MAKE UP GREAT SONGS!) The only thing that irks me about him is he is terribly naive, and has a lot to learn. But I'm willing to be patient because his naivety is a blessing to me in some ways. He hasn't been through the terrible stuff I have. He's been blessed with a pretty good family, and great life. I can't fault him for that. He may be no Ryan Gosling, but he's MY Rich for now. And my Rich is all I need at the moment. Love you babe! (He doesn't read this but I thought I'd throw that in there anyways).

Having Nothing To Prove

It really is a relaxing way to live. I spent so many years doing things so I could prove I was a worthy individual. That shit is tiring. It is much less tiring to actually work and be the person I want to be, without having anything to prove to anyone else. The only one I have to work hard for is that person in the mirror.

When I was in my 20s and early 30s I was promiscuous. I said to myself, "Men do it all the time. Why can't I?" But it wasn't about that really. It was about me subconsiously trying to prove I was attractive. Well, men don't have to find you attractive to sleep with you. And it is far more powerful to pick and choose who gets to share your bed, than to just sleep with people because you can. I dated quite a few men before Rich, and none of them got past junior high make out phase. I told him he would more than likely have to wait. He did, until the second date. I never said I'm not a hooch. Actually, I slept with him because he felt safe. I knew that he wasn't another one of these horrible dates. He was different. He was special. Four months later, I know that I made the right choice.

I used to fight a ton. After a few years I got a reputation and never had to fight again. They nicknamed me "mafia" and "beast." Because I wouldn't sit around talking shit for a half hour. If you made me angry I would just turn and break your nose. I may utter one sentence like, "If I were you I'd calm the fuck down." But I never raised my voice, and I never caused a scene. I just took care of things the way that I knew how back then. I was a bully. The last two fights I got in to I did not fight back, and it was the most powerful feeling ever. I hope to never have to fight again. Sometimes I feel it welling up and have to remove myself from a situation. I don't have to prove to anyone I can make them sorry for being an asshole.

In my friendships I don't have to go that extra mile to prove I'm a nice person. I know I am. That doesn't mean I have to put up with bad behavior from others, or that I am a bitch if I choose to not hang out with someone anymore. I used to put up with terrible things from "friends." I no longer do. And if someone wants to say I'm too harsh, I'm totally okay with that. I don't have to prove anything any longer. It is a nice place to be.

In my current relationship we have some strife over his seeming inability to keep his word and arrive on time. In past relationships I would've just told him to hit the road. It's my way, be on time, or the highway. But now I am proud of myself. I have said to him, "Let's find a solution that works for both of us. You can continue to work on time management, which I realize you are not going to fix over night, and I can not get pissed because you show up 45 minutes after you said you would." For now, that means him saying he'll be over "around" a certain time, then texting when he's on his way. Whereas before I had to assert my power in a relationship and tell someone they need to be a certain way, I am really trying hard not to be like that. We'll see what happens with this. It may end up not working out, but at least I'm giving it a shot, rather than running. There is a huge part of me that thinks because he has never been in an adult relationship, he's self sabotaging. I used to do it all the time out of fear. I see it a little bit in him, and it makes me want to work through it. He's worth it, and I'm glad I don't have to prove I'm right, by showing him the door.

I have been working really hard to avoid drama, and be the type of woman I can be proud of. There are days when I'm not that woman, but there are mostly days where I'm really happy how far I've come. It is far easier to have nothing to prove, than to constantly be trying to prove something. Reality usually hits, and you realize you've proven nothing, except that you're a moron for caring so much what others think.

Happy picture of the day: fresh flowers. I try to always keep them in the house, but it's an expensive habit. So realistically I have some about half the month. They really brighten up a room, and make me smile.

Slow But Steady

I am home today with tummy issues. Totally my fault as I have no gall bladder and I refuse to stop eating things like red sauce, garlic, onions, curry, sriracha, and pretty much everything else that makes food glorious.

I FINALLY got my new chandelier for the house. I have had what I will not so kindly refer to as "the boob" ceiling light since I bought the place, and it has been driving me insane. So I ordered a little artichoke light from Lamps Plus and I may even try to install it myself today. The old light looked like this: boob light. The new lamp looks like this: pretty light.

I have slowly but surely been upgrading stuff in the house that I don't care for. I want everything in the house the way I want it NOW. Realistically it will take at least five years to get the house where I want it to be. A ton of people passed the house by because it has huge trees in the front and back yard to take care of. Those were a selling point for me. They provide enough shade that I rarely have to use my a/c. Oh, the house also didn't come with that. You can not survive without a/c in Sacramento. So I installed a wall unit in the living room, and one in the bedroom. I was considering central but after talking to many people, I opted for the two units, which serve their purpose just fine.

When I was house hunting I wanted hardwood floors, central heat and air, and two bathrooms. After searching and seeing what was available in my price range, I ended up with two bathrooms. That's still a small miracle since I have a two bedroom. I did NOT want to share a bathroom with guests. I needed my own bathroom. This tax return on its way will cover my sprinkler system installation, and then in a few months I'll have the lawns re-seeded. I am doing everything on the tax refund system. Next year I'll put new tile and countertops in the kitchen, and the year after I'm getting a new back fence. Some time in there the carpet will get yanked in the front two rooms and if there is hardwood underneath that'll be re-finished. If not, manufactured hardwood will be installed.

There are so many projects to be done, and it's really hard for me to sit back and know that I can't do it all at once. Chicken coop and chickens will be some day. One lane lap pool, umm, sooner or later. Swap out my repro furniture with some actual Eames pieces...possibly never. I have to focus on the fact that I have a huge master bedroom with a lighted walk in closet, a ton of storage space, and a kitchen large enough to make five course meals without freaking out. That is what really matters. Everything else is just icing on the cake. I love this house, and look forward to growing old in it.

That's my house. I really need to get rid of that hideous door too. Some day.

Happy picture of the day, besides that one up there, is my fridge. I love it when it's stock full of veggies and yummy stuff. Towards the end of the month it looks nothing like this. I get paid once a month, and I suck at budgeting. I eat a lot of sandwiches and soup at the end of the month.

Money Can't Buy Me Love

Instead of going with the flow and ranting on how money and material things can't bring you happiness, I'm going to do a photo blog post. This post is filled with pictures of material things that make me happy every single day of my life. Take that!

Bowling girl light switch cover, I heart you so.

Bright orange slick chair, that someone could do a running leap and slide right off you, you are pretty useless. If someone leans back on you, you almost turn over. I still think you're keen. You remind me of the portly housekeeper who never cleans shit. Rock on chair. Or actually, can you not rock on? Just kind of sit on.

Hiya antique china hutch I got screamin' cheap from a friend. You rule my dining room. Just don't tell table. That lady gets jealous.

Oh, Lux Starburst Sunburst clock: As soon as I get my tax money you're actually going to work. But for now, just continue to hang there and look pretty.

Hamburger phone who will never get used: you made the cable guy laugh when he had to hook you up, so that's really all that matters. I do wish you had a way to turn off the ringer though. But alas, you are still A-OK.

Hello Lord Hooterton Snuffings and Ducky McTeabags. I smile every time I look at you in the kitchen. Carry on.

I have known I wanted this table since I was five. My grandpa made it from material he "borrowed" while working for the Sutter Club. I love you table.

Hiya Soupy. You require no words friend.

You can say that material things don't bring you happiness all you want. But I would tend to disagree. While you can't buy your way in to a smile, you most certainly can wake up blue and see something that totally changes the tone of your day. These are a few of my tone changing things.