Zombie Apocalypse Officially Starts

And so it begins, thanks to one drug-addled naked mofo in Miami. I sure am glad I'm up on my shooting, and sword skills. We're going to need it. Check out the story here.

That's right y'all, a dude almost killed another man by chewing his face off. Then, when he gets shot by a police officer when he refuses to stop gnawing the other man's flesh, it doesn't even phase him. They have to shoot him six times. I'm guessing what the article fails to mention is that sixth shot was FINALLY in the head. Apparently, Miami cops don't watch zombie movies. HELLO!

I would like to both thank, and slap, George Romero for my life long fascination with zombies. Long before the remakes and the hoopla, I had Dawn of the Dead dolls with half eaten human corpses for stands. To this day I occasionally have dreams of the zombie apocalypse. I have had them as long as I can remember, and I have always been victorious in my dreams for the most part. I lose people and get scared, but I always emerge a total badass.

So you have to imagine when I see stories like the one mentioned above, that I at first am terrified, then I laugh my ass off when I think about the zombie-like aspects of the story. I can't help it. I have a really sick sense of humor. How does one get in such a Cocaine induced stupor, that chewing someone's face off seems like something you should do? I've done a shit ton of drugs in my life, and cocaine really IS a hell of a drug, but I never did anything like that. The worst thing I experienced was when I was up so long on meth, I would see shadow people running across the freeway behind my car. That was enough to convince me that I should probably sleep soon.

Honestly, I think most people on the planet are zombies anyways, minus the need to subsist on a diet of brains. The zombie movies were originally a social statement by Romero about the state of humanity. Also, about war and chemical warfare. You can find a great study about the parallels of the films to religion here. But I liken most people to zombies merely by the fact that no one thinks for themselves these days. Everyone wants a rhetoric to follow or a set of rules. "Hey, I'm (insert political affiliation here) so I don't need to think. Just go with what (insert political figure here) says." or "I don't want to admit I have no idea what is going on, so I'll just follow (insert religious dogma here) and be done with it!"

All kinds of people talk about how they are preparing for when the zombie apocalypse happens, but I would say it began a long time ago. Judging by the things I see most people around me saying or doing, we are totally doomed. The need to adhere to and blindly follow dogmas is pretty damn pervasive. I would like to say people are getting more thoughtful but I would be lying if I did. The "need" for things like the internet, tv, and social media aren't helping any. Get out in the real world and do real stuff, lest you wake up tomorrow quite cold and pale, with a hankerin' for a hunka skull flesh.

Happy picture of the day: Umm, I need this.

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Internet Dating

I may have broken a world record of how short-lived a profile on an internet dating site is up. I lasted eight days. Eight days before I was so fed up with the state of human beings that I couldn't take it anymore, and had to pull it down so I didn't want to go on a shooting spree. So much for keeping a positive attitude and taking it lightly, eh?

For one thing, I do not take joy in the shortcomings of others. I make fun of people a bit, but when it is thrown in my face how truly ignorant most people are, it actually makes me quite sad. Most of these people have kids. They are raising the future humans of our nation. And I can't imagine with notes like, "I want to cum on ur lips" that they are doing a great job. But hey, maybe that's just me.

I started off as the shiny new thing and got a ton of messages. A lot of them to which I would just not respond, or look over their profile and let them know that it didn't seem like a good match to me, and I didn't want to waste their time, but good luck. I got some messages where we had a teeny bit in common and they seemed thoughtful enough and we messaged a few days. My thing is this: I don't go on sites for pen pals or text buddies. I go on for that crazy notion of you know, going on dates. So if I asked a person if they'd like to get together, and there was no follow through, I was immediately disenchanted and uninterested. What are you afraid of? Why are you on a site to date, if you don't really want to date? If you are just on a site to hook up, that's rad, but be an honest adult about it. I have to wonder why you can't just go to a bar for that. I mean, I'm totally average looking but I guarantee that any night of the week I can go to a bar, walk up to a dude and ask, "Hey, do you like blowjobs? Let's go back to my place" and get some. It's really not that difficult. And don't say it's easier for women, because it's not. It is, however, easier for people with a personality. So perhaps that's the issue.

If you send a note and you can't spell or write a coherent message, I'm immediately over it. I knew by Saturday when I was starting to write back smartass messages, that my time there was done. One fellow wrote the oh so thoughtful message of: "Your pretty." I wrote back, "My pretty what?" To which he responded, "I don't understand." To which I replied something like, "Contractions? Yes, it's quite obvious you don't understand how to use them." I know I'm good at snark and smartass, but unlike years ago when I actually prided myself on it, I am now to a point where I don't like that part of myself. I don't want to belittle people and be mean. Now that I really like myself, I don't feel the need to tear others down for my benefit.

Another problem I have with dating is that it seems most people want to date someone who isn't a challenge. They are looking for someone simple, who is beneath them, so they can feel good by comparison. I am the exact opposite. I want to date someone who I think may have something to teach me. I want to be with someone smarter, someone funnier, and someone who makes me think. I want to be the one in wonder, that I have a partner that I get to look up to. Most imporantly, I need a PARTNER. I have a strong personality, and I most certainly don't want someone who I can dominate.

To me, it makes more sense to give one guy a shot, and if that doesn't happen move on. I can't go out with many people at a time. I don't believe dating is a competition, or should be to make people prove themselves as to why they are worthy of your attention. If you like someone, give it a shot. If it doesn't work out, move on. That's how I have to operate. I am uncomfortable going out with Joe Shmo on Saturday, then Dirk Diggler on Sunday. No can do.

The one man that I messaged there, who hadn't messaged me first, had authors listed in his profile I had never heard of. Authors who once I researched them, had written things that I know I'd love to read. That is what drew me in. There was also a plus in the fact that he didn't drink. His looks didn't hurt either. He's about 5" taller than me, meaning I could wear heels. Shut up, that's important! :) He is the only one I'm still talking to, and to be perfectly honest, I have no hopes that it will go anywhere. It would be nice if it does. I am just getting the vibe that his life is pretty full and it may not have space for a new person in it. If that's the case, that's totally fine. I am of the belief that no matter how busy your schedule, if you want to meet up with someone or talk to them, you will make time. We just exchanged numbers on Monday, and have texted a bit here and there. I can honestly say if we don't have a definite date to get together in the next few days, I will lose interest. You know that saying, "Don't make someone a priority, who only makes you an option"? Well, I fully believe and follow that saying. If you don't make an effort to show you're interested and hang out, I completely deflate. I have a teeny glimmer of hope that this may turn in to something, but that's it. And it's not that I'm a pessimist. It's that I'm a realist.

I also believe whatever is meant to happen will. So I'm not really worried about what comes of it. But I also know that that was my last foray in to the world of online dating. I know there are horrible people in the world. I most certainly don't want to be endlessly bombarded with them. I like my world with amazing people in it. I don't find it fun to come up with bad date stories. Well, sometimes I do. Like the guy I went on a few dates with who only ate things like hot dogs and sandwiches. He will forever be known as the boy with the toddler diet.

Happy picture of the day: this is a picture of my friend Rodney, holding up a burger necklace. It is knitted with a huge knit gold chain, then a giant burger at the end. It is very cute. He is a burger junkie. Here's the proof: Burger Junkies.

May Movies

Warning: I not only watched WAY MORE movies, but happened to watch way more that I actually liked. I actually trimmed down this list significantly, and it's STILL kind of overwhelming. That all said, here are my movie recommendations from May.

50/50: I liked this movie. I am kind of in love with Joseph Gordon-Levitt anyways, so I'm admittedly biased. But the movie was better than I thought it would be. A good no-brainer.

Three...Extremes: Amazing short films by three of my favorite Asian directors. Dumplings is especially great, and I think he may have actually made a feature length out of it, but I'm not sure. And to be honest, I'm too damn lazy to look it up right now. Okay I lied. I went and looked and he did. You should check that out too.

Divine Trash: A documentary about John Waters and Divine. If you need more explanation than that, you wouldn't like it anways. Also, shame on you.

I Think We're Alone Now: A documentary about two extreme Tiffany fans. Yes, one-hit wonder Tiffany from the 80s. She still has fans. And these two are insane. Watching them is uncomfortable to say the least. I think I hit my friend Matt about 20 times while watching this, because the people made me go, "What the fuck?" so many times. Watch it. You won't regret it.

Chronicle: Very entertaining new sci-fi film about three high school kids who come upon something from space, that gives them special powers. It goes on to show how those powers corrupt and get a little out of control. I really loved this, and am excited to see what is in the future for this new director. I hope he doesn't pull an M Night Shyamalan.

Hick: I really think Chloe Grace Moretz is the new Jodie Foster in Taxi Driver. I loved her in 500 Days of Summer, and Kick Ass. She's a great young actress and I look forward to following her career for many years to come. Also great in this is Blake Lively, whom I would've never guessed would be such a good indie actress. Disturbing, and great film.

Cook County: This movie was recommended by a friend. Second best movie about meth, next to Winter's Bone. What? You don't have a "top ten meth movies of all time" list? Make one.

Permanent Midnight: How had I never seen this? Ben Stiller does a great job in this biopic of a junkie writer. It's pretty realistic about the lengths people will go to to do drugs, and the amount to which they think they're fooling everyone. Great movie.

El Bulli: Cooking in Progress: You would have to LOVE food to watch this. It's about Adrian Ferra's now nonexistent restaurant, El Bulli. It gives you a peek in to the prep of a restaurant that had 2 million people trying to get 80,000 seats every year. He closed down the restaurant 6 months every year just to experiment on new dishes to try and make them perfect. Now THAT'S dedication. He had a lot of detractors for doing a ton of molecular gastronomy. I happen to love it when it's done well. Interesting documentary to be sure.

Lymelife: I liked Hick so much I watched this the same day. Same director. Also, both movies have Alec Baldwin in them, which I thought was strange. He does a great job in both. This movie is OUT THERE in a good way. Great cast, and well written film.

Okay, that's it. I watched a ton of others but I really needed to whittle down so this wasn't the most annoying post of all time. I wouldn't want it to compete with all of my other posts that are the most annoyings posts of all time.

Happy picture of the day: I totally forgot to post this on Cinco de Mayo. It's a yearly tradition. So I'm going to go ahead and do it late this year.

Y'All Rejuvenate Me

My friends are the thing that keep me going and happy. I realized after going through a few rough patches in the past few weeks, how spending time with folks really picks me up and makes my life worth living. Now, I'm not talking about ALL people. I'm talking about my friends.

The last few weeks were a really blue, annoying time for me. I was in a pretty bad head space most of the time. I tried to just go with it, seek out what was bothering me and actively try to resolve it, and carry on. It wasn't until my friend Rachel and her family came over Friday before last, that I felt like someone had plugged me in and wiped out the blues. I had only met Rachel in person one time. I just admired her photos on Foodspotting and communicated with her through that. I got her email when I met her for lunch one day and immediately fell in love with her. She's a professional photographer and an all around lovely person. You can go check out her work here: Rachel Valley Photography. Aside from the fact that she is immensely talented, she is also an all around amazing woman. She has a busy schedule and a family so it was really hard for us to get together. I kept telling her to come over with the family and she kept saying how crazy that would be, as she has twin one year olds, and a six year old. I finally talked her in to coming. I fell in love with her whole family as soon as they walked through the door. Her husband is awesome, her children were beautiful and fun, and she is a lot like me. We ate a huge carnitas dinner and I marveled at how her one year olds could pick up a huge glass and drink out of it. They spilled stuff all over and it made me realize that I love kids so much, that when they make a mess of things it in no way triggers my anxiety. It was very strange and it made me even happier. She kept apologizing and I kept saying, "I'll clean it up later. It's really not a big deal." They left and invited me to come see them at their home in Rocklin next, and I'm going to take them up on that offer. One of the babies totally took a liking to me so I told her once they get a little older, if her and daddy need a date night, I'm all in on the babysitter tip.

Monday night my friend Ally came over for shrimp pasta and salad. She brought a yummy dessert and we had a great talk about her boyfriend and how things are going. She shares my love of food, and Audrey Hepburn movies. She is one of the nicest people I've ever met. We sat and talked for a few hours after dinner about stuff that was going on, and it was a really pleasant evening.

Tuesday and Wednesday night I spent with my mom and dad. Thursday night I was so exhausted I spent the night by myself, catching up on dvr'ed shows, and it was a fantastic and restful evening. Until I got a text from Joe, followed up by a phone call. If he asks me out again I'm going to tell him I'm really not interested, but I'm hoping my complete lack of excitement while on my phone with him gave him the idea that there's nothing there. Much to my dismay, he then texted me again last night while I was prepping dinner for friends.

My friend Josh and his wife Crystal came over Thursday night and I made some awesome chicken in a mushroom wine sauce, and goat cheese mashed potatoes. Josh is one of my favorite people of all time. If you haven't checked out his book yet, you need to go here and get it: Spare Parts and Dismemberment. Josh and I are a lot alike. We both have alcoholic fathers we never knew. We were both in to hardcore straight edge in high school, then went off the rails with drugs and alcohol. He got sober about 2 years before I did. We have the best stories and so much laughter when we're together. Our senses of humor are so meshed that there have been times where we have been talking and everyone else in the room is just stopped and staring at us 'cause it's weird how we play off each other's words. His wife and I laughed about her friend who asked her, "Are you still dating that rocker guy?" WHO THE HELL CALLS PEOPLE A ROCKER NOWADAYS? In the friend's defense, Josh is currently sporting a rat tail, crazy tattoos, and was wearing a Venom shirt. But we decided the only rockers we know are our friends Skinner and Groundchuck. We talked about how he worked for our local paper, The Sacramento Bee, exactly a month before he hated it so much he had to quit. I admire that he does what he loves for a living, and isn't afraid to pick up and leave a job if the fit isn't right. That's ballsy. The night was full of laughter and fun. Here's a picture of the lovely couple.

That's his rocker face. If rocker face means it looks like you haven't shat in 5 days.

I always have so much fun every time they come over.

This past Friday my friend Jen and her new husband came over with their kids. I couldn't make her janky hoedown wedding (I didn't make that up. That's what their wedding invite said) so I told her I'd make them dinner to celebrate the event. I met Jen when I used to take care of her little boys. Back then they were one and three. Now I think the oldest is in junior high. Good lord how time flies. I made burgers and sweet potato fries. I did a burger bar with saffron mayo, curry ketchup, caramelized onions, sauteed mushrooms, and all the fixin's. The kids ran around like crazy people and drew on the closet doors. I have glass closets so I bought paint pens. When people come over I invite them to draw all over the closets to leave their mark.

All in all, I need to try and focus when I'm down about all of the people in my life that bring me joy and make things amazing. I don't know what I would do without all of you. But I must say I was looking forward to a Saturday alone. As much as I need the reboot from friends, I also need the reboot from down time and cleaning the house. Last week was a fantastic week that reminded me just how important my friends are in my life. I love each and every one of you, and I most definitely wouldn't be who I am without you.

Happy picture of the day: when Josh asked what they could bring for dinner, I said dessert. He brought this cake, which made us all laugh. Randomly awesome.

It says HBD Chong (Happy Birthday Tommy Chong) and there's a candle in his mouth for a joint. I told Josh bravo, 'cause it totally looks like Tommy Chong. He's an artist AND a writer. Talented bastard!

Don't Be Petty, Tom

I have a zero tolerance attitude toward petty bullshit. Whenever someone is all freaked out about something that to me, seems unimporant, I look at that person confused. It is a sure sign that they live a charmed life so much so, that the fact that they think I left for lunch 15 minutes early becomes akin to me dropping the bomb on Hiroshima.

Last Friday was my boss's day off. But my boss has not life so she was here signing things and meeting with people. I had gone to lunch at 11:20 and she wasn't here yet. When I got back there was an email to myself, and my two co-workers she had sent at 11:40 saying, "Where are all you guys?" I didn't understand this as she has all our phone numbers and the logical thing to do if she really needed us, would be to call or text us. So I got back to a note on my computer that I was to tell my co-worker when I got back. So I did. Then, when my boss returned I asked, "Did you need me for something?" She said yes, and proceeded to ask where I had been. I told her I was at lunch. She then went on to say she came in at 11 and I wasn't here. I told her she was mistaken, but perhaps I had been away from my desk when she came in. She repeated herself several times while I told her again that I hadn't left for lunch at 11. I was biting back, "If I left at 11, I'd tell you I left at 11. If you are going to write me up or this is a verbal warning please let me know so I can figure out how quickly I need to find another job and get away from your toxic ass."

What was readily apparent to me is this had nothing to do with logic, or her having needed me to do something, and everything to do with her just wanting to be upset because she came in and there weren't 5 people falling at her feet to hear whatever she needed right away. It made no sense to me, and it made me realize that I need to get more proactive in seeking a promotion elsewhere.

You see, I can stay close-lipped for a pretty long amount of time when it comes to a work environment. I can smile and nod, and totally let things roll off of my shoulders for longer than would seem humanly possible, before I reach that place where my patience has been worn thin like the edge of a baby blanket, and I tell you exactly how I feel.

I'm not good at lying, and faking nice. When someone asks, "How are you?" I don't give the usual, "Fine." I tell them how I really am. I figure if they don't want to know, they'll learn to ask the real question or not ask me how I feel at all. I always say, "Good morning" or something similar. Because unless I give a shit how you really are doing, I don't ask. I fake nice at work because it's a necessary evil. But there are times when I have to look around for a hidden camera, because I think someone is being so ridiculous there's no way in hell that it isn't some elaborate ruse.

The only way I'm able to keep my calm when someone is being particularly strange about something unimportant is to realize they are blessed. Sweating the small stuff is a luxury afforded to the people who don't have any real stuff to worry about. I have enough of that and then some. So instead of getting mad at them for being so lucky, I try and think of it like, "They haven't had to go through a ton of shit in life, so to them, this IS the shit." That really doesn't work all that much, but hey, I try.

Happy picture of the day: this is a picture my friend and I got a few years back. I'm a vulcan and she is a jedi (obviously). We laughed while it was being done 'cause the artist was super creepy and said stuff like, "Look at me. No, look like you're looking right through me" and it was all we could do not to lose it while he was drawing. Christina noticed my symbol was upside down on my shirt. She totally won the nerd contest that day.

Back In The Saddle

So I decided to put a profile up on one of the oh so many free dating sites on this lovely old place called the Interwebzes. I did so with the idea that I would put up a profile, then just leave it be, and see what happened. I am currently talking to three guys who seem pretty nice. One of whom I initiated contact with because I saw a huge red beard and then saw a profile that seemed thoughtful and interesting.

One of them seems like the only thing we may have in common is a love for whole foods.

One has already totally cracked me up on several occasions but all that may be there is humor.

One is sober and seems pretty grounded and awesome, and of the three is the one I find myself most drawn to.

I am in no rush to couple again, but I am also not totally opposed to the idea. What's nice is that this time around I am not finding the site so daunting that I want to get away from it. I've gotten a few messages that have made me laugh, a few that have made me really feel bad that grown men are so lost, and a few that I honestly went, "Why would that guy even send me a message?" It is nothing if not fodder for amusement.

The last time I attempted this it was maddening and frustrating, and I wasn't going at it with the ease and laid back attitude I have for it this time. Whatever is supposed to happen will. This may seem like a ridiculous sentence to write when you just put a profile on a dating site, but a little help never hurt anyone. With my busy and full life it really is quite impossible to meet men. So I did what I wanted to do. Hopefully I can keep a positive attitude about the whole thing.

The one thing I have changed this time around is that I'm not responding to EVERY message. I used to at least write a, "Hey, thanks for the note, but because of __________ it seems we may not be a very good match. Good luck in your search!" I find that some people don't even deserve that much, and it just opens you up to really ugly back and forths.

Also, I'm going to stay true to the fact that dating multiple people at a time is not my gig. I usually find someone of interest and give them my attention. If that doesn't pan out I move on. I wasn't built to hang out with a ton of men at a time. It makes me feel weird and ooky. Like I'm supposed to make this guy try out until the next, sparklier guy comes along. That's not okay in my book. More power to you folks who can see a bunch of people at a time. I can't. I have a hard time just talking to several people at a time. It's like some weird competition. I only do competition when I'm playing Wii. I will kick your ass at Wii bowling, even though I suck at real bowling. I just reminded myself I need to go bowling very soon.

The most amusing thing is there's a guy still on there that I went on a few dates with the last time around. I called him out on some stuff right before I decided hanging out with him was dumb. His pictures were 10 years and 30 pounds ago. One time he said something about having never lied to me and I responded with, "Your whole profile is a lie, down to the pictures that are of you in the wonder years. I was hot and thin in my 20s too." He has that same main profile pic up. I only know 'cause I can see who viewed my profile and he did. And it made me think how when I walked in to the spot where we first met I kept looking around for the guy, and a gray haired 30 pound heavier dude turned around and said hello. Hi, red flag Melanie. Jesus!

Anyways, I just really want to stay in a space where the single life is a happy option, but I'm not ruling out the possibility of having someone to share things with. I tend to operate really well with someone to care about. I also tend to operate really well when all I have to do is focus on myself. What's funny is the day after I wrote the bad first date post, the act of just letting that all out, made me back to comfy single me. Sometimes being blue and angry can be resolved by just the act of writing things and putting them out in to the blogosphere. So I'm glad to have this online diary that helps me hash out my shit. And it really is shit most of the time. I love that my moody is out there for everyone to see, and I'm finally not ashamed of it. I am Melanie, hear me roar! Or hear me burp. What? I'm gassy today because of my horrible "running around to find whatever you can near the hospital" diet I was on Tuesday. Seriously, that shit was hectic.

Dad update: turns out he had motherfucking eCOLI!!!!! It caused inflammation of his pancreas and gall bladder. He just has to be on heavy antibiotics for a few days at the hospital, then he gets to go home. Last night I drove all the way to the hospital to give him a huge hug and tell him to stop eating shit. 'Cause I'm a good daughter.

Happy picture of the day: Leon The Professional is one of my favorite all time movies, and I really like the art this guy is doing.

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Never More Than You Can Handle

There is a saying that people like to throw around that life never gives you more than you can handle. I throw it around too. I got a phone call from my mom yesterday morning that she was following my father in an ambulance because they thought he had a heart attack, and I repeated this phrase over and over in my head. I was walking from my car to work when I got the call. I immediately started crying and cussing because I had a rejuvenating weekend and was starting to feel decent again. This call came and I felt like the world had punched me in the gut, taking all my good cheer and most of my breath with the blow. Of course I had to make it all about me for a split second. I quickly went back in to worry about my dad, then my mom, mode.

I was sitting at work for what felt like forever waiting to hear back from her. Sitting at work wondering why it had been almost an hour and no call back. The not knowing is worse than anything I have ever experienced. You see, even though this is not my birth father, he is my dad. He was there for me for as long as I can remember being stern, setting limits, and giving hugs when I needed them. He is why I am where I am today, moreso than anyone else on the planet.

My mind raced to a million different places in the next few minutes after that phone call. I immediately prayed that he was okay not only for his sake, but for my mom's. My mom does not do well alone. My mom has never been single longer than a year or so in her adult life. Even if they said the heart attack wasn't severe and he'd be fine, I'd need to leave and be there for her. As I stated in a previous entry I am more the mother to my mom, than she is to me. I want to be there for her to lean on. Even though there were so many times when she wasn't that person for me, it is really important that I be that person for her.

I was at the hospital yesterday from 9 am until 8 pm. When I left they were thinking perhaps he had acute pancreatitis. A heart attack had been ruled out by about 11, then it became some maddening guessing game for hours on end. Like an episode of House, only without the scruffy attractive smartass guy with a limp. I ran home around 1 pm to pack a bag so I could stay with my mom and she wouldn't have to come home to an empty house. I checked on the kitty cats and made sure the bird had fresh water. I looked up to the sky and thanked whatever powers that be, that I am present and able to do this, whereas not too long ago I would've had to go and get drunk or high to deal. It doesn't have to be all about me anymore. It's a really nice feeling.

I have had acute pancreatitis. More than likely he'll just have to be in the hospital a few days 'til his lipid levels even out, then they'll remove his gall bladder laproscopically and he'll come home, needing about a week of taking it easy. Then he'll have a mighty feisty tummy. But at least it wasn't a heart attack. At least it wasn't something far worse.

Happy picture of the day: half of the time I feel like this.

Seriously.

Games People Play

No, I'm not talking about Monopoly or Pictionary. I really do like Sudoku and the New York Times crossword puzzle though. Oh good lord, my nerd power grew exponentially just by typing out that sentence. I am also not talking about the bad games that people play. I am talking about the games I play on pretty much a daily basis.

I touched on it a little in my post about my friends, but I think it deserves a totally dedicated post of its own. In order to amuse myself and pass the time I have made up many strange games in my time. Most of them involve music in some way or another, and a ton involve rhyming or bad puns. I'm kind of a sucker for punny stuff. Find me a restaurant called Juan In A Million and I'm eating there. You work at Pho King? I'll be seeing you in a few. Examples you ask? Why sure!

The lunch game. This game is great, and I guarantee you will NEVER get to the end of it 'cause there are so many variations. You find any song that has "love" in it as a noun, and replace it with "lunch." For instance, "What's Lunch Got To Do With It," "You Give Lunch A Bad Name," and so on. It sounds dumb, but if you do it, I swear you will get addicted. If you are like me you will go further and then change the rest of the words, so that they relate to lunch. "What about lunch? Don't you want someone to make it for you? What about luhunnnch? Don't let it rot awayheeyay." Then you'll not play for a month and hear some song with the word love as a noun that you totally forgot about, and you'll get all in to it again. It's awesome. I've been playing the lunch game for well over a decade. It started when I lived with this gal named Katy in my late 20s. We also made up a dance to Bonnie Tyler's "Total Eclipse of the Heart" wherein you did weird stuff to the crashing noise in the instrumental part. We also said, "I heart..." before it was all over the place. I'm not saying we made it up. I'm just saying we said it before we had ever heard anyone else say it. She worked at a dry cleaner and the hangers had "We <3 Our Customers" on them. I said, "We heart our customers!" and then we ran with it about how we hearted everything.

Singing a song purposely to get it stuck in someone's head. This is especially great if it is a song you know they detest. I had a friend who HATED Sister Christian. I set it as her ringback tune on my phone. You should never tell me which band or song you detest. You do, and I'm going to occasionally start humming it when you're around. Or I'll send you the YouTube link acting like it's some great new underground band you need to hear. Also, playing this game has made me wonder how I know every word to so many songs I shouldn't. I am like bad song god damned Rainman.

Be totally offensive so as to shush people who are next to you having totally asinine conversations at raised volume so everyone around them can hear them. Never have I talked about fisting or anal sex faster than if someone is next to me talking loudly about how rad it is that their bro got laid at the last party he went to while playing beer pong. If someone is wearing a flat billed baseball cap, talking about bullshit, you can find me right next to them saying how my last period was so heavy at one point a giant clot the size of a golf ball came out causing toilet water to splash all over the place. Like a giant bloody bidet. The last time we were next to a couple trying to be really snooty about wines, when they obviously knew nothing about them, I loudly told my friend if she didn't stop what she was doing I was totally gonna punch her in the vagina.

I just realized if I numbered these they would've been a Jaxesque sort of list. Only a really short list 'cause I'm too lazy to list ten even though I have probably made up way more than ten ridiculous games to waste time.

Happy photo of the day: I walked by this on the way to lunch the other day. It was hard for me not to write a note to put on the windshield that said, "I don't know whether to love you or to hate you. All I do know is that I totally don't get it, and that almost makes you my hero."

What the what, man?

Well, No Wonder Y'all Are My Friends

I have many talented, wonderful, amazing friends. The one thing we have in common is we are all crazy, and have somewhat off kilter senses of humor. Here is a small sampling of conversations, or examples, of why we are all made for each other.

I got an email from one of my gal pals. She has monthly treatments for a medical reason. She comes out of treatments woozy and a bit out of it. Her email said this: "Wow...I know my meds during treatment week sometimes make me spacey but today was an all-time high. I haven't been able to find one of my Phillips screwdrivers since my last round of treatment--that was the last time I used it. Found it in my freezer just a few minutes ago when I was rearranging some stuff so things wouldn't fall out. WTF?" I responded,

"Cold Phillips screwdriver: good for one hot screw! (I should be an ad exec)." I'm hella punny. Leave me alone. This email she sent made me laugh so hard, because it is totally something I would do. I once couldn't find my keys for hours 'cause I hadn't put them in their proper place. I found them in the garbage. Don't ask, 'cause I have no idea.

I went to see Roger Waters performing The Wall last Friday. Make fun all you want, but this is one of the most iconic albums ever produced, and I felt I should go so I could learn to appreciate it more. Plus, it was a free ticket. I can't tell a lie. We had to do quite a bit of walking from the train to dinner, and then back to the show. Luckily, I was with a friend who had a very similar sense of humor. We were walking and I started singing to get a song stuck in his head. He said, "Whoa! You better cut that out or I'm coming back with Lady by Lionel Richie." I said, "Oh, really?" and then proceeded to belt out, "And besiiyyeeeeyide me, is wherehair...I want youhooooo to beeeee. You're the looooohuv of my liyehife. You're my layday!" Then we moved on to "I wanna rock" and then the other would yell, "Rock!" which then changed to other rhyming things like, "I wanna flock...of sheep!" or "I wanna crock....slow cooker!" We seriously went way further with this than necessary until Bradley gave up and couldn't think of any more things to rhyme. I kept going of course, as I tend to beat dead horses long after they're dead. "I wanna frock...monk time!" "I wanna cock...a doodle do." (don't be nasty). "I wanna shock....I killed 5 co-eds!" I couldn't stop. My head kept coming up with nonsense. I think I dreamt about I wanna rock that night. Also, while at dinner at a place that had communal seating, a couple was seated by us. They looked at the menu then walked out. I looked at Bradley and said, "Well, I never! I swear I took a shower today. It may have just been with a washcloth that I spat upon. But c'mon people!" He said, "They hated us." I said, "Good, I didn't really want to share my table anyways. So take that!" We then went on to laugh about Bradley ordering weinerschnitzel, because he just wanted to be able to say weiner. I mentioned to the server he didn't even like weinerschnitzel, but he did really like talking about weiners. Bradley chimed in with, "I try to talk about them at least twice a day." We're nothing if not mature. And dapper. We're dapperly mature. Don Draper has nothing on us. Last night we had a texting string of about how people try to be really smart and impress others. We both decided it was dumb and we'd rather talk about nonsense. I said, "So when you come over, no talk of quantum physics then?" He replied, "But we can talk about Quantum Leap." I replied, "I'd rather play leap frog. But with your knee and my back, that wouldn't end well." He responded, "First blood leap frog." To which I wrote, "Extreme leap frog!" Then came from him, "Leap frog death match." This went on a while 'til I ended it with, "Leap Frog 6 - The Reckoning."

When I first met my best friend Christina, we went on a road trip. We didn't know each other that well and it was kind of a gamble to be driving to southern California together, so soon after we met. But that trip is what made me fall madly in love with her. We talked and laughed so hard. Then, at one point in the trip her mp3 player started with "Rhythm of the Night." We both looked at each other as this is a song that may annoy some people and leave them wondering why someone our age would have it on their iPod. We both quickly smiled and started singing and dancing very heartily. "Forget about the worries on your mind. You can leave them alllll behind!" To this day I think fondly of that trip and how much fun we had turning and singing to other cars on the freeway. She was not as happy when one time in my car the iPod started on Footloose. I love me some Kenny Loggins! She is also has a fear of Patrick Swayze. So every couple of months I'd send her a YouTube link with a note like, "I just heard this new band. They are so good!" and she would open it and it'd be "She's Like The Wind." She fell for it EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. She finally told me how much it actually bothered her so I stopped. I kind of invented the rickroll, before there was a rickroll. Also, we have this game that whenever we're depressed, we end our emails with PAUL RUDD! Because you can't be sad when you are thinking of Paul Rudd. Yesterday Christina and I were talking about what a huge suckfest 2012 has been. Then she ended the email with, "PAUL RUDD WHISPERING SWEET NOTHINGS IN MY EAR FEEDING ME CHEESECAKE!" and I reponded with my long whiney response and then exclaimed, "PAUL RUDD SINGING 'RHYTHM OF THE NIGHT' TO US WHILE WEARING ONLY BOXERS!" It kinda works.

My friends pretty much all share one thing: we all have a very strange sense of humor, and we don't take life too seriously. It is such an important trait to me. And I notice that most folks who have been through a lot, have had to develop the skill of letting things roll off your shoulders, or making light of some terrible situations (sometimes to the wild offense of some people). But it's necessary for us, and I honestly think that laughter really IS the best medicine.

Happy picture of the day: Giants stadium. I had never been here before this concert and it is such a beautiful stadium I may need to start going to baseball games. That's the San Francisco bay off in the distance. Boats hang out there to catch home runs and fouls. At night you can see the lights on the Oakland hills. It's quite lovely.

The Bad Date Slippery Slope

Wednesday night after the date with Joe I fell asleep crying. Sobbing really. Dating isn't fun for me like it is for some people. It makes me feel more alone than ever. It made me think back to all the times Rich made me laugh and smile, and it took all the power I have not to email him to tell him thanks for that. It wouldn't be fair of me to initiate contact again, after telling him he and I couldn't be friends. I won't do that to him, but more importantly, I won't do that to myself. Sometimes I wish I would just make the bad decision like calling him up and making out with him. Why do I have to be so good, when hardly anyone else is? Because I'm not everyone else. I need to be the person I can look at in the mirror and be proud of. Right now I'm not her. I'm incredibly sad and getting in the shower to get to work is all I've been able to do the last few mornings, when all I've wanted to do is curl up in a ball and retreat.

Today I don't like my life. I feel so very alone and pathetic. I hear about other women's dating stories and it almost makes me physically nauseous, the lengths to which some people are willing to go to be coupled. I need to get back to that point where being alone is okay. I know that point exists because I've been there before. I am just not there right this moment.

What's weird is that today after I did my hair I looked in the mirror and saw a pretty girl. A pretty girl with the most fabulous eyebrows on earth. Okay, next to Divine. Say what you want, but that lady shaved her head so she could fit bigger eyebrows on, and I will always love her for it. And I will always call her a lady. A dogshit eating, fabulous fat lady who died too soon.

Dating never fails to make me feel like there are so few good people in the world. I can go at it gung ho for about three months usually before I need a break so I don't start hating people. I don't want to be one of those people that hates everyone, but I see myself getting there. I see myself unable to have compassion for those who can't just be themselves, be nice, and treat other people right. So much living in fear and acting out of stupidity. It makes me want to pack a bag and leave everything and head for the woods.

So that's where I'm at right now. I am going to just trudge through these days and come out the other side with hope and a smile, like I always do. Right now I can't even think of smiling. I was supposed to go hang out with some friends last night, but Joe was going to be there, and I honestly don't even want to give him a glimpse of hope that something might happen. Also, I couldn't fake the happy. So I stayed home and watched movies. I went to Corti Brothers to buy some ground beef and fixings to make burgers for my friend Jen and her family Thursday. I ate a leftover half burger I had from lunch and topped it off with some coconut gelato. I read a little, and put on some music by The Cure and thought about happy times.

More important than anything else, I'm not going to feel defeated any longer than is necessary. Right now I kind of liken my self to a deflated balloon. I'm going to go buy some helium and fly away like in the movie Up. Okay, I'm not going to do that, but I am going to come out of this all the stronger and be a better person for it. I know I am. I'm going to go to a meeting Sunday so I can listen to alcoholics talk about being alcoholics. I kind of need that right now. I need to not feel so alone. Even though I'm surrounded by so many good people, I just feel like isolating, and I know that's not a good place to be. So I'm going to do what I need to do, and power through. Being weak really isn't my style.

Happy picture of the day: that's an awesome eyebrow. Don't even try and say it isn't. :)

This Just In: Melanie Is No Longer a Loser!

That's right emm effers, I just won a Liebster Award thanks to CLR over at The Slow-Dripped Life. 1000 thanks to her for such an honor, along with a hit on the head for being dumb enough to think I deserve this shite. (Did I just negate a compliment? Shucky darns).You are awesome! The rules of receiving this are as follows:

1. Thank your Liebster award presenter on your blog. Done!
2. Link back to the blogger who awarded you. Done!
3. Copy and paste the blog award on your blog. Done. Kind of poorly, but done nonetheless.
4. Reveal your five picks. Do I have to choose five? I suck at that kind of stuff and I love so many blogs. Damn you Labiaster. Shut up, that's what I'm calling the award. It's mine, and I'll do what I want.
5. Let them know by leaving a comment on their blog. Will do, shmegfaces.

Again, thanks so much for this award. Here are my picks:

Ash-Matic Does Things. I love Ash. I love his blog. I love that when he went on a blog hiatus for school he said that even if I didn't want to be his friend, he would make me be his friend. I look forward to being tied up in a closet somewhere in the UK, being fed only bangers, mash, and occasionally being sang a silly song. No, he doesn't sing silly songs on the blog. But he should. Like this one: The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything.

The Undercover Caterer. I love Sarah, and I love food. I would love Sarah if she were made out of food. I especially love her Nana Wednesday posts. I have no idea if she has under 200 followers. If she does it's because people are stupid, and they hate unicorns. Seriously, they probably cut the arms off of newborns. They're jerks.

That's Just Stupid What You Said. I feel like Trixie is my friend who lives far away. Plus, at least 100 times a day I think, "That's just stupid what you said." I am an ass. She is an ass. We are asses, but you love us. You just don't know it yet. Or you do know it. In that case, you are super smart.

Abby Has Issues. Can't see her followers, and I'm almost certain she has way more than 200 followers. If she doesn't, there is something wrong with the world. More wrong than the fact that there are still people out there who think forcing their beliefs on others is totally okay. I'm looking at YOU homophobes. No, that has nothing to do with Abby. Abby is one of my favorite bloggers, and you should be reading her every day. I don't care if you have a life. That's no excuse. Stop making excuses. Go read about Abby's issues.

Stretching My Wings. She's awesome. She's a mommy. She's awesmommy. Does that sound like assmommy? I think so. At any rate, this is definitely a last but not least sort of dealiemajigger. I heart Heather. I heart Heather so much I sent her daughter a wallet with a dick on it. Okay, I lie, it was a Wienershnitzel wallet. But I wanted to sound way more perverse than I actually am. Which is pretty perverse, so I had to go there with the child...dick...wallet thing. It's like a dick in a box, only not at all.

So there you go kids. If any of those folks have more than 200 followers and get offended 'cause I sent them an award, they can totally suck it. And by suck it I mean I'm sorry and I love you guys. And by I'm sorry and I love you guys, I mean you can totally suck it.

Also, if you are one of my five feel free to break the rules and not thank me, link to me, and all of that stuff on your blog. I did this because I appreciate you. I don't need any sort of recognition on your site, and I most certainly didn't do this to get my name on your blog to get more readers. So carry on as you wish. 

Also, you need to go look at this immediately. You're welcome.

What's Not Enough

A friend of mine did this semi-obvious set up situation weekend before last with myself and her friend Joe. I laughed about it and took it in stride, and we actually got along pretty well. He knew all of the directors I mentioned, laughed at my jokes, and had a ton of knowledge about art. He came over Monday and we went for tacos and talked. But there's just no spark there, and I am trying to give it a few more chances before I give up.

He's quite a bit older, which I'm fine with, kind of. There is that small part of my brain that wonders why a 50+ year old man isn't looking to date women his own age. But age is pretty relative. The main problem I'm having is he was laid off a few weeks ago. I went through the poor guy issues with Rich, and I am in no way excited about doing that again. I came to be very resentful for having to carry both of us and pay for things. Now, Joe has a law degree and is studying to take the bar, but that really doesn't mean all that much to me. I know I need someone who can financially carry their own weight. I know in this economy it is not his fault that he is currently without work. It happens. I am just not ready for it to happen to someone who is a potential mate.

The biggest issue however, is that he has yet to make me laugh. I absolutely need, in order to be attracted to someone, for them to make me laugh really hard. The kind of laughter that hurts. The kind of laughter that makes you so full of joy you immediately forget all of the crap in your life and just fully give in to happiness.

I am taking things really slow and just going with the flow, and trying not to worry about all the future stuff, and really live in the now. He's coming for dinner tonight and I am sincerely hoping that he brings the funny. Because to be perfectly honest, I will throw him in the friend zone if that doesn't happen pretty soon. Of all the strange requirements that I have, the sense of humor is the one that really seals the deal. It creates that spark that makes it possible to power through the tough times. Without it, there is little hope for anything to bloom.

I am stepping back and realizing how nice it is that I like myself enough to have standards. For so many years I spent time with men who in no way deserved my company. Thinking that no one else would take me, I settled more often than not. I had a few great ones, and a lot of duds. I am not willing to go with any of the duds anymore. Even more than that, I am not willing to go with anyone who I can't look at and think, "I need to be romantically involved with him." I am not feeling like that right now. But people tend to grow on me like fungus. Let's hope this dude's a 'shroom. And if he's not, here's to new male friendship.

Happy picture of the day: I had to take my mom to a casino for mother's day which I was NOT looking forward to. But I found this machine and made the best of it.

You Got Your Snark In My Logic...

You got your logic in my snark! I was being a smartass to one of my co-workers earlier and that Reese's Peanut Butter Cup commercial totally got stuck in my head. Half of the time when I'm a smartass people don't have a comeback because it's so drenched in truth there's really nothing they can say. The other times what I say is so nonsensical that it puts people in a stupor, unable to comprehend why I just said what I did. Either one creates silence, and that's generally the goal.

Keep in mind I am only a smartass with the people that know me, and know that I am totally joking. I would never do it to someone whom I knew was bothered by it, or if there was a chance I might cause real offense.

When it's not full of truth, I say random off the wall shit which also succeeds in people being really quiet and uncomfortable. And then in that uncomfortable silence I erupt in to hearty laughter, which scares them even more.

I'm a problem solver so if someone is doing stuff that doesn't make sense, I will just bring it to their attention, in a smartass way. When people bitch about their friend and say something like, "I don't understand why _____ is always such an asshole." I respond with, "I don't understand why you are friends with assholes."

This morning a huge construction worker fella in a truck yelled out, "Motorhead bag? I think I love you!" and I yelled back, "I have a penis!" I have no idea why. It's just what came out, and I laughed hysterically for a half block.

I'm pretty sure all of this stuff started in elementary school when I'd make up nonsense stories to pass the time. It carried on to high school, and then adult life.

When I was in high school we would do stuff like pull up to cars and motion for them to roll down the window. We would then say, "Ask me if I'm a rutabaga." Sometimes we had to say it twice 'cause they looked at us like, "Excuse me?" So we would simply repeat, "Ask me if I'm a rutabaga." If they were a champ and played along and asked, "Are you a rutabaga?" We'd simply reply, "No!" and then roll our window back up and carry on as if nothing had happened. This got started 'cause I kept bringing up words I liked to say just because, like: rutabaga, sasquatch, parallelogram, and the like. We then would find ways to bring those words in to conversation or jokes, especially when it made absolutely NO sense. I also have long loved to mix phrases like saying, "You are the dumbest person on the face of the world!" I have no idea why. I just do it without even thinking.

My snark and smartass used to be mean-spirited and somewhat ugly. But I've found that I can still retain my natural ability to come up with really witty retorts (or more often nonsensical gibberish that cracks me up), without being rude in the process. Okay, being only semi-rude in the process. I can usually crack a smile or charm people in to not thinking I'm a total asshole. Like when I talked to my boss this morning and she said, "Oh crap, I left my phone in my car" and I said, "Give me the keys, and after a 15 minute joy ride I will bring you your phone." She threw me the keys and I yelled, "Anyone want a donut, or an escort from West Sac? I'm on it!" She just says stuff like, "Not so loud!"

I really hope that I will always retain my weird sense of humor, and ability to make people laugh. Okay, my ability to make people slightly uncomfortable brings me joy as well. I am 37, and haven't grown out of it yet. I sometimes picture a 75 year old me, with magnificent flowing gray locks, saying things like, "You pooped in a bowl? That's nothing like the time my friend pooped and the toilet wouldn't flush at a party, so she fished the poop out with a paper towel, and threw it in the trash!" and cackle while people are incredibly disturbed. I take much solace in knowing that at least then people will just think I'm a crazy old lady. You can get away with far more crazy when you're old. I may even consider knee high rolled down pantyhose with sneakers that have velcro on them. Who knows?

Happy picture of the day: sometimes I wonder if some of these things on Passive Aggressive Notes are fake.

Source

Stress And Worry

I spent many years of life being a huge ball of stress. Carefully conducting and trying to control everything around me, which is such an impossible task, I look back and laugh that I ever even attempted it. But having just gotten off the phone with my mother, I know exactly where it came from.

My 19 year old niece is pregnant. My 19 year old niece who just got married and was supposed to go to school and accomplish things, which she has now put on hold and will most likely never do, because she got pregnant. Listening to my mother talk about my niece, and my sister, I found myself constantly interrupting with, "There's nothing you can do about that. You can not control what goes on in Idaho. You couldn't control if it if they were your next door neighbor. Yes, it is sad. I wish she would've stayed on the pill. But she didn't. So let's be supportive and hopefully she leads a happy life and raises a lovely child." My mom can not think that way. She interrupted me to talk about how my sister has four children, two of which will now have children (her older daughter has two). She also has two very young children she has from her current relationship. I have a great nephew, that is almost as old as his uncle. My family is nothing if not confusing and complicated.

The one thing that I took away from the conversation is how different I have become in the past few years. How I don't stress over the things that I can not change. I may spend hours stressing about the things I CAN (but completely unimportant things), like how long has it been since I mopped the kitchen, or am I going to be able to afford fresh flowers. But not about if the weather will ruin a trip, and other such things. I still have really high anxiety when I know I'm going to be in a crowded place, or if I am a passenger in a car with someone who seems to drive a little on the unsafe side. But I don't worry about the choices the people around me make, unless they directly negatively effect me. Then, and only then, will I speak up about them.

After the conversation I started thinking about the strange role reversal that has taken place between my mother and myself. I am the one offering encouraging words and advice. I said to her if she doesn't stop worrying and unnecessarily stressing about all of us, she is going to eventually have health issues related to stress. She needs to relax and enjoy her retirement. We are all adults and whatever happens will happen, regardless of her freaking out or not. Her words, "I told her if she would save her tax money I'd match it so she could buy a house, but she won't do it!!!" are still ringing through my brain. The codependence with which my mother operates, so she never has to focus on her own stuff, is blinding. I calmly told her, "She seems happy with the way things are. You are constantly using judgment language like 'how they live is disgusting.' It's disgusting to you." To which she replied, "It's disgusting to most people." I said, "I dare to disagree." I feel sorry for my mother that she puts so much effort in to caring what people think, that she won't take my aunt to see my sister, 'cause she's ashamed of their living conditions.

I am so NOT my mother's child. I am my father, whom I never knew, through and through. The only difference is I'm not on a motorcycle roaming the earth, shacking up with whatever person I'm with at the time. I see her worry and it's the one time that I truly wish I could absorb all of that and allow her to be free of it. I can't, so I just accept it and try to be supportive when I can. I love my mother, but I thank the powers that be every day, that I am not like her in this regard. Just listening to her is exhausting. I can't imagine how living that worry would be. Living my OCD worries is exhausting enough.

Happy picture of the day: my new salt and pepper shakers, which are much smaller than they appeared in the photo. If I ever use them I'll have to preface by saying, "These are only good for one shake per person. Rock on."

Hi, I'm Spock, and I'm here to put the flavor on your plate.

And I'm the captain, I'm here to make things peppery and keen.

Relationship Necessities

I will be the first to admit I have pretty high expectations. I expect people to act in a genuine and courteous manner at all times, or to at least make me laugh when they're being rude assholes. There are quite a few things I require in order to be friends, or more, with someone. Here is what they are.

Open lines of communication. I don't need to see you all the time, and I don't need you to be around all the time. But I do expect to hear from you time to time. I also expect if you are going to be late, or need to cancel, you give ample notice. I know shit happens. But shit doesn't happen every time you're supposed to be somewhere.

Respect for the person that I am. I have a ton of quirks, and I make zero apologies for them. I am working on a lot of them. But I can tell you right now if you come to my house and think it's funny to move my coffee table so it's crooked, or leave the toilet seat up on purpose, you will probably not be coming over again. Respect that the things in my house are just so, just as I respect that your house is not spotless like mine is.

Honesty. If you think something, I will get more offended if you don't say it, than if you do. I am totally able to take criticism and listen to your point of view, as long as it is honest and not purposely meant as an attack 'cause you're feeling less than at the moment. And I DO know the difference.

You need to extend invitations now and again. There are some people who I feel I'm always the one trying to get together or make plans. I stopped doing that. You can get pissed 'cause you haven't heard from me all you want. But just remember that your phone dials out too, and that your car knows how to get to my house.

There will always be reasons to back out on plans, or not keep a commitment to hang out. I think once you've made a plan you need to honor that unless it's absolutely unavoidable. If you cancel on me one too many times for something like you stayed out too late the night before, that's not okay in my book, and you'll notice I'm backing off.

If you have CONSTANT drama, I will run the other way. I don't care if you're blood. If I call you and you always have a tale of woe, I'm probably not going to call you anymore. You have a choice in life to live engulfed in drama, or not to. I choose not to, which includes not surrounding myself with drama hounds. Some people love drama as it is a great way to ignore the issues you need to work on in yourself. I want nothing to do with that stuff.

Kindness to children and animals, and a good relationship with your folks. I see it as a huge character defect when people are not kind to children and animals, and when they still blame their parents for why their life doesn't work. You are an adult, get over it. Make amends. Your folks did the best they could. Obviously, there are exceptions such as if your home was extremely abusive. Then cut those people off like a diseased limb, and don't look back.

I can't hang out with you if you create your own stresses, and don't do anything to lessen them. Facebook and Twitter getting you down? Get rid of them. Have a friend who is always giving you problems? Get rid of them. Nothing in life that causes you drama is unavoidable. Unless you have food issues. Of all the problems this is the one I have most sympathy for. Everything else you can abstain from. You can't simply NOT eat. That's a hard one and I know many people who constantly struggle with it. It's a hard battle to fight.

I need you to cut the tether to your electronic devices when we are together. If you get a call or a text and you have to respond I get it, but it's okay to put that thing down and be present in the moment. I think people use these things as a fall back when conversation doesn't go smoothly, or things get awkward. More and more people have no idea how to look someone in the eye and have an adult conversation. I blame over dependence on social networking and smart phones. Put it down and have a real life. It'll be okay, I swear.

Despite all of these things I require from others, I am really as easy going as you can be, when you have as many obsessive issues as I have. When my sister comes to stay I know the guest room is going to look like a tornado hit it, and that's fine. I just have her keep the door closed and know that she will straighten up before she leaves. It is not just the job of others around me to bend to my whims. It is my job to compromise where I can, so I can enjoy the company of awesome people.

The expectations I have for others comes nowhere near the expectations I have for myself. I'm done apologizing to people because I need people to act like responsible adults. Responsible adults who like to have themed Glamour Shots parties and talk about farting all the time, that is.

Happy picture of the day: Roxy looking like she only has two legs. When she looks like this I call her seal cat. She looks to me like a baby seal. "Give me your fur, cat!"

And Then I Quit AA

In the recent past I made a very personal decision, to quit going to meetings and being part of Alcoholics Anonymous. I continue to abstain from drinking and will do so for the remainder of my years on earth, I just couldn't in good conscience continue to be a member of the program.

I spent the past two years grasping on to the good parts of the program. But the more I went, the more I noticed less and less good, in relation to my recovery, and it just got to be a bit too much. I respect that the program has helped so many people, and that it is there for those who need it. I just can't be a part of it anymore. I can only focus on the positive of something for so long, until the many negative aspects start rearing their ugly head and poking me in the eye. I did it for way longer than I usually do. Holding on and attending regularly for three years was a huge accomplishment for me.

I am lucky to have a very large support system of friends and family, to help me in those times where I get down and blue and need to talk to someone. Even through my years in the program, I rarely turned to program people when I was in need. I always called on a friend to help me through my issues, or I turned inward and dug deep, doing what I needed to do in order not to drink.

I was afraid when I told my sponsor, that she would be angry. But she just said, "I understand completely." She has known all of the struggles I have with dogma, blindly following any sort of structured regimen, and most of all, a program that encourages people to ALWAYS be at meetings and interacting with other folks in the program. I think a program of recovery should equip you with the tools necessary to remain free of whatever drinking/drug/eating problem you have, and then send you on your way with the confidence that you can now make it on your own. There were very few people I saw with many years sober who I would look at and go, "I want what they have." It just stopped happening. I want so much more than most of them have.

I am not in any way knocking the program or people in the program. It just doesn't fit my life philosophy. And I'm glad the folks I know who are still in the program haven't been talking about me the way I see program folks talk about SO MANY sober people who aren't part of AA. "They're a dry drunk." "They aren't living to their full potential if they don't have the help of this program." So much judgment being made, that I just can't abide by.

I am thankful for the program because I know for a fact I wouldn't be sober without it today. There are so many great tools I was able to take from the few years I spent going to meetings and working with other alcoholics. I will continue to be here to support my alcoholic friends, in any way that they might need me. An ear to bend, a couch to crash on, a great meal to be shared. I will continue to seek out others like myself, so that I can have someone who understands me, around when I need support.

I haven't talked to my mom about it yet. She's the only one close to me who doesn't know. I am going to tell her this Sunday when I take her to brunch. I hope she doesn't take it personally, or think this is a decision I made so that I can start drinking again if I want to, because that's not the case. I have my chips on my altar to look at when I need that reminder of where I am in life. I will keep my AA books to look through now and again and find strength in prayers and words. I am a sober alcoholic who is no longer participating in a specific group of alcoholics, and that's an okay choice.

I would like to thank all of my friends who have been with me through the years, and stuck with me through the tough times. You are all amazing and I love you more than a simple sentence put out on the internet can express. I feel like a weight has been lifted, and I can now succeed in more of my life goals, and I'm pretty excited about it. I no longer have to feel like a portion of my life isn't 100% true to me being my authentic self. It's a relief.

Happy picture of the day: I love wearing this shirt to work as it is completely inappropriate, but no one knows it. I think everyone just thinks, "Oh, a bald guy with a beaker and a test tube." I love you Bryan Cranston, and I love this Breaking Bad shirt. Best.shirt.ever.

Do Apologies Have An Expiration Date?

I have been pondering this quite a bit lately. There are several people in my past whom I feel badly about, that I'd like to contact just to let them know I'm sorry for the way in which I abruptly ended our relationship. I have made quite a few mistakes I am not proud of. Part of the healing and growing process to me, is letting people know that I acknowledge what I did wrong, and that I am sorry for it.

I don't want to rekindle friendships with these people, or be a part of their lives. The reason that I ended our friendship was for a reason. But that doesn't mean I handled it in an adult fashion or did it in a way that I'm proud of. Sometimes it is necessary to just walk away. At what point is closure just not necessary? I hate that I always have the feeling of needing closure.

Sometimes it's less healthy to get in touch with someone again. Let me clarify that these were not horrible people who did hurtful things. They just did things that I don't find to be acceptable from my friends. Why do I have such a need to let them know that age old adage of "Hey man. It's not you, it's me."

I am working on letting a lot of this stuff go out in to the universe. I have been meditating on it and I am finding it hard to come to a steadfast conclusion that I'm truly happy with. I know that it's been years with some of them and I need to just move on. But there is that small part of me that wants to really be better, and thinks that part of my improvement needs to be coupled with a new round of amends. These amends would mostly be very selfish acts and things that I would do for myself. Things that would make me feel better about the person I'm trying to be. In that regard, maybe it's not fair to dredge up old memories.

Maybe my amends would do more harm than good. Maybe these people have effectively moved on and contacting them would just bring up hurtful things that they would rather not think of anymore. Am I making excuses, or is it really better to let things be? This is something I think about from time to time.

I'm leaning toward it's better to just leave things the way they are, and live for today. I can't change what I did or who I was in the past. The only thing I can control is how I am this minute. Who I am this minute is pretty awesome. Do I really need to prove that by going the extra mile and possibly doing more harm than good by contacting people I really don't wish to have contact with? I honestly don't know the right answer to that question. Do I look like a wishy washy fickle bitch in these jeans?

Happy picture of the day: holy shit this needs no explanation. This is hilarity my friends. Use me Jesus!

Don't Worry About My Money

Sometimes on my way home I see little goth/punk kids and I have now twice heard one of them utter "sell out" when I walked by. It made me laugh to myself, and I kept on walking. But I think about my 15 year old self, and if I saw tattooed me, in slacks and a blouse, I may have said the same damn thing. In fact, I'm quite sure that I would have. The beauty about being 15 is that you think you are going to get to live your whole life on passion, doing what you think is right, and you assume the world will just take care of you somehow. Then you turn 30, and you realize that is not the case. But it also made me think about why people concern themselves so much, with the lives of others.

What is wrong with someone not wanting to struggle financially? Why does everyone assume you can't be a decent human being, and make money while doing it? I know just as many poor assholes, as I know rich assholes. An asshole is an asshole.

I got the inspiration for this from Trixie (her blog is here.) She had a post that has since ended up deleted, that got me to thinking about how much people accuse others of doing something, when they really have no clue what kind of life that person leads. Someone called her a name and it was totally inappropriate and weird, and it made me think. People are constantly saying things like, "I can't believe Oprah buys 11,000 dollar purses!" Who cares? Her buying an 11,000 dollar purse is like me buying a 400 dollar purse. And I have done that before. Why do you care what someone else spends on something?

So many times I hear people making statements about someone who is wearing an expensive pair of shoes and I don't know if it's jealousy, or boredom, that makes them say something negative about that person because of it. I have gotten to a place where stuff like that isn't important to me. But there was a time when I'd pay several hundred dollars for a first edition of a book. Everyone has their things they like to blow money on. Anyone who says they don't, is a liar. Unless you're so broke you don't have any liquid income after bills and feeding your family.

I was verbally accosted by someone because I go out to eat at places that cost over 100 dollars per person and I just laughed and said, "It's either that, or the blow and alcohol. I'll choose expensive restaurants." There has always been something in my life that I can look at and say, "I spend too much money on that" and there always will be. You know what I've never said? "________ spends too much money on that."

The only time I've ever concerned myself with someone else's money, is when a family member will talk about how they can't get their kid new glasses or shoes, but they have Starbucks every day. I have been known to blurt out something like, "Go a month without Starbucks and you've just saved over 100 dollars. There's your glasses/shoes."

I have had people get mad at me when I say I'm broke and can't do anything, but I still go out with someone else. My idea of broke is when all of my money for the rest of the month is spent on plans I already have. I am a planner. For this month, I am taking my mom to a buffet for Mother's Day, and I have $140 set aside for a trip to San Francisco. I also have more veggies to buy for dinners. Plus, I have lunch plans next week. So although I may have money, it's all accounted for. Therefore, I'm broke.

Bands that start off small and play $10 shows, if they're good, often end up playing bigger venues and earning more money. That's the way that stuff works. The only band I've known to get popular and not do something like that is Fugazi. They weren't in music to make money. They refused to play shows that cost more than 10 bucks, and they didn't sell shirts. They encouraged kids to make their own shirts. This is the exception. If a person wants to make a ton of money doing what they love, more power to 'em.

I guess what it all boils down to is why would you concern yourself with someone else being a "sellout" or living a life that you don't think you agree with? Why don't you just live your life to the best of your ability, and if you don't like someone, just don't hang out with them? The phrase, "Keep my name off your lips" comes to mind. So many people need something to bitch about all the time. I know I sometimes find myself bitching about people. I vent like a mad woman. But then I let it go.

I think the world would be a much better place if everyone stopped concerning themselves with the lives of others. Yeah, that douchey guy in the BMW might annoy me. But that guy might also be going through some rough shit that I don't understand. I have a lot of work to do on my compassion and judgmental ways. I think it's something everyone should be working on.

Happy picture of the day: from Failbook. I laughed so hard when I read this. It's genius.

The Truth About My Blog

This is about my blog. It's not about yours. Got that? Awesome. People often ask me about why I blog, and how long I spend on this. I figured it is just easier to answer that stuff in a post.

I usually write about five entries a day, and delete two. I write each of them in about ten minutes. That's just how my brain works. I get so ahead of myself that I then go back and update blogs before I post them, so that they are more relevant to the day I post them, and all of my tenses make sense. I then end up deleting more posts that I don't feel the need to share at that time.

I can't have more than 24 blogs on my blog roll. I don't know why, but I can't. For that reason, I am constantly adding and deleting. If you become a constant, it means I really like your blog. Don't take it personally if you disappear. I'm still probably checking you out now and again as I get reminded.

I like having a small group of followers. I recently lost one and I actually cheered, "Yes!" I like having 13 followers for some reason. 13 was always my soccer number as everyone else had the attitude of, "Eww, that number is unlucky." It's actually not an unlucky number. Also, I was such an awesome soccer player I kind of did it as an "I'm your unlucky number" type of joke. To this day, I find it amusing. Way more than you'll ever want to know about the number thirteen.

I would never accept sponsors, write entries about a product someone asked me to, get a Twitter or Facebook account to grow my blog, or anything else. I actually like this blog small and intimate. I operate better when things are that way.

My blog will always be ugly and disorganized, just like it is right now. It was driving me a bit batty at first, but I don't wish to dedicate any more time to this than I already do.

I REALLY love the ladies and gents that I have electronically met from blogging. I consider it a great support group. Those of you who I email and who email me, I now consider friends. I don't care that I may never meet you. I'm here for you, and I adore you guys.

I blog at work, and I will always blog at work. Should they ever block Blogger at work, you will see my blog go bye bye. I do not wish to do this on my own time. My own time is very much for me, and my real life friends and companions. Also, I am on the computer all day at work, and really try not to be on it at home.

I don't compare my blogs to other blogs, or wonder why some people that write so poorly about things no one should care about, have a ton of followers. I see other bloggers doing that and I think, "Just write for you and the people who already care about what you write. Who cares about the rest?"

My blog is a totally selfish, public diary. I understand that a ton of my entries make me come off as scattered, and a little off. Then I've accomplished my goal to represent myself with this blog. I AM in fact scattered, and a little bit off. :)

Sometimes my posts will be funny, entertaining, or poignant. Sometimes you will wonder why I bothered to hit post. That's okay. You can even say, "Melanie, posting this was a complete waste of your, and everyone else's time." I'll wholeheartedly agree as half the time I think blogging in general, is a waste of time.

I am really glad I started doing this again. I like the feedback, both positive and negative. I feel like it's opened up my world a little, and therefore helps me with how easily I close off and only interact with the people whom I am comfortable with.

I do not care who this blog offends, pisses off, makes angry, etc. People who complain about blogs they "don't like" crack me up. Then don't read them. It's really that simple.

Happy picture of the day: a thank you card and flower I got at work. Orange is my absolute favorite color, and this orange is so brilliant I can not stay frustrated at work, with it on my desk. Plus, getting a thank you card is always nice.

Holy Crap It's Working!

I have been thinking a lot about compliments, and accepting them gracefully, while giving them graciously. I'll be damned if I haven't just accepted or thanked people for compliments over the past few weeks. Not ONE TIME did I say something to negate the compliment, which is what I'm kind of famous for, amongst other things like talking about poop.

I just walked past a lady in the hall who was on her cell. I was thinking, "Should I compliment the dress, or will that be interrupting her call?" She said, "I LOVE your hair" and I said, "And I LOVE your dress." We both smiled and carried on. I am still in shock about the hair compliment. I guess that's what happens when you actually take the time to blow dry your hair straight, and it looks like it's supposed to, instead of a haphazard mess. :)

On Friday a lady said that my tattoo was beautiful, and did it hurt. We got in to a discussion about tattoos, and colorful things, and it made me smile for the rest of the day. It also made me think about the people with tattoos or piercings, who react poorly to people commenting on them. I actually know people who say things like, "Why won't people just leave me alone?" Umm, you chose to make a spectacle of yourself by covering yourself in ink. Be gracious when someone who really doesn't know about them, asks a question. Also, if someone uses incorrect terminology about your tattoo or piercing, again, be gracious. It is not someone who is not pierced's job to know that stretching your ears is not "gauging" or what a "double flare" is. I am constantly shocked by how horrible some people can be, to someone who just generally wants to know about something. I take it as an opportunity to spread knowledge. When is spreading knowledge ever bad? (And by knowledge I mean your legs.)

I notice that the more I spread a smile and a compliment, the more it is not only for other people. Complimenting freely is a bit selfish in a way. I feel better for having done it. I also feel very proud every time someone compliments me, and I don't say something horrible about myself back.

This morning I actually had a guy I work with say to me, "You don't seem to know it, but you totally have swagger." I don't even know what that means but it sounds totally awesome so I just smiled and said, "I like the word swagger. It's a good word. I like that I have a good word associated with how I am. Thanks man!"

The day after I wore the colorful dress and tights a male co-worker said, "I don't know if I said anything yesterday, but I really liked that outfit. It was so cheery." I said, "It may have been a little over the top even for me, but I decided to go for it. Thanks!" Okay, that was kind of negating the compliment but you see how I turned it around there at the end? That totally counts dammit!

I am glad I didn't give up on this one, as it is a hard one for me to do. But it is obviously paying off. I just today noticed how different I react to compliments and people now. My next goal is to get to a point where I am not annoyed by useless small talk. People are just trying to make a connection, and pass the time. Being rude about small talk is another way that you're acting without grace. Maybe that person talking doesn't have many people in their life to talk to and you're the one person that can give them a positive feeling that day. Maybe they just had something bad happen and need a small vent. If it is not in some way taking away from something else I really need to be doing, small talk is my next little project. So many times in my head I am thinking, "Just shup up already. I don't care." That needs to stop.

Happy picture of the day: this is a pic of my hair today. I guess it does look pretty nice. That doesn't mean I'm going to actually wake up early enough to like, brush if every day or anything. Someday I will be able to take a picture of myself without making some weird face. Dare to dream!