Do Whatcha Like

I was having a conversation with a friend the other day and it came up that she never texted a man first because she didn't want to come off as obsessed or overly interested. I responded, "If you want to text him, do so. If he thinks you're clingy for asking how his day is, he is not the man for you." To go even further I always tell people, "Always be yourself. Those who don't like you don't matter. Do you really want to spend an entire relationship altering your behavior so someone finds you acceptable? That never ends well."

I spent SO MANY YEARS toning down my larger than life personality. I didn't want people to think I was an attention whore. I was worried if I acted smarter, funnier, wittier than the fellas I'd never have a boyfriend. And it worked: I was never single. But in those relationships I was never really happy because if a funny thought came in my mind I'd let it pass unspoken. I was giving up huge chunks of what made me me, on a daily basis. This led to a spiral of shame and most likely my alcohol and drug abuse. You can't be the funniest and the wittiest if you're blacked out drunk. Or so I thought. Apparently some of my best stuff came out when I didn't remember saying it.

My point is this: always do what makes you happy. If wearing a dress with the girls popped out and a ton of make up on is how you want to live your life, then do so without apology. If you want to wear jeans and t shirts every damn day do it. If you want to tell people exactly how you feel in the middle of their story, then by all means let it fly. The only rule should be: honor your true feelings and what you want to do, but always remember to be empathetic and compassionate in the act of achieving this.

I am admittedly an annoying individual. Sometimes I start speaking when someone hasn't even finished their sentence. A lot of the time I go off on tangents that have nothing to do with what a conversation was originally about (this comes as no shock to those of you who are regular readers, as I do it here as well). The great thing about me is this: if you tell me, "God dammit Melanie, I wasn't finished. Shut up." I will laugh and then say, "I'm sorry." My brain is always ten steps ahead of where I currently am. I am learning mindfulness and living in the now, but it's no easy task for me.

I think if you are who you are, and someone doesn't like that, they weren't meant to be in your life. Why force things? You will have far better friendships and relationships with people who love you for exactly who you are. I can honestly say that all my friends do a ton of shit that annoys me, but there is not one thing I would change about any of them. I love them with all their good bits, nasty bits, shameful bits, stinky bits, hairy bits, mouthy bits, and all the other bits.

If there is one thing I have learned in all my life that is worth knowing, it is that I am going to be unapologetically me, and screw those who don't like it. Well, don't screw them, but I don't need anything to do with them. Also, it is not my job to try and like everyone else. There are a ton of people I don't like, and there's nothing wrong with that. It doesn't make me a horrible person if I don't want anything to do with someone else based on their words or actions.

Honor yourself. Honor those around you. Love people for every single bit of who they are. Never ask a person to change for you. Above all else, only make changes that YOU want to make because they will make you a better person. Never make a change because it is something that someone else thinks you should do. If you do that, you will come to resent the change and the person who forced you to do it. And really, they didn't force you to do anything, so you should really just be mad at and resent yourself.

Happy picture of the day: this is one of my favorite pictures ever taken.

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June Movies

This month was chock full of bad ones. Some I had to turn off midway 'cause I couldn't even make it through. I will never take a recommendation from Kevin Smith again after this stinker of a movie: Bindlestiffs. If ever there was a film that convinced me I need to get off my ass and start writing screenplays this was it. What a waste of film!

And here are the good ones. I watched Moneyball and liked it way more than I thought I would. But as I may have been the last person on earth to actually watch it, I left it off the list.

We Need To Talk About Kevin: Very strange and entertaining movie about a mom who is pretty sure she's raising a sociopath. Also, it has Tilda Swinton, and I love her.

Pariah: Beautifully shot and well acted movie about a young black lesbian growing up in urban America. I watched it twice in a row.

Killing Zoe: I hadn't seen this in a very long time. Loved it just as much as I did the first time I saw it when it came out.

The Woman In Black: Do you love Daniel Radcliffe like I do? Then you should watch this. Also, it is just a great suspenseful ghost story. I really liked it.

Dandelion: Two words: weird, and wonderful.

Midnight in Paris: I love Woody Allen, and also Adrien Brody plays Salvador Dali. That really sealed the deal. I loved that when he went back in time I recognized all the authors and artists. It amused me greatly.

Submarine: Highly entertaining. This kid is trying to lose his virginity, at the same time he's trying to save his parents' marriage. He's doing pretty poorly at both.

Limelight: A fantastic documentary about Peter Gatien, one of the most successful and notorious club owners of all time. He was the victim of a witch hunt of sorts and he only slightly prevailed. Shows what law enforcement/government can do even when they have no proof or facts to back up their accusations. Scary stuff.

Grizzly Man: Great documentary about Timothy Treadwell, who I thought took his love of bears in to psychotic obsession, and it ultimately ended in his death.

Puncture: Chris Evans stars as a drug addicted lawyer who takes on huge corporations to try and get a safety needle put in hospitals. What drew me to this the most is it shows a drug addict not who is down and out, but one who is totally functioning and getting things accomplished, while spiraling out of control. Based on a true story.

So there you go folks. Hope you enjoy.

Chatting Folks Up

The ability to network in person and chat folks up is a dying art. With texting and Facebooking becoming the main means of communication for most folks, I think the act of face to face communication is suffering for sure. I am a chatter upper, and it's why I know so many awesome folks.

No matter where I'm at or what I'm doing, I have the keen ability to within ten minutes have people say, "I like her." I am always a smash hit when I meet the parents of the boyfriend. If there is someone I find interesting and I want to know them, I simply walk up and introduce myself. Just now in the hall the Director of our Child Development Division walked by and I said, "Hey Camille. I need to come see you soon. I want to work with you guys and I want to come over and explore some of my options. I'll send you a meeting request this or next week." She said, "That sounds great Melanie. I'll be waiting to hear from you!"

I notice the more reliant folks become on email and such, the less they are able to look someone in the eye and have a thoughtful conversation. People are becoming more and more socially inept and unable to interact in a real life social setting. It's why I also have dinner parties. I have shrunk the group size down to 10 or less as I found the larger parties made it difficult to really visit with everyone. The next party will be a mid-century food themed party. Hello tomato aspic, pigs in a blanket, and deviled eggs!

I think it's really important to get out in the real world and have meaningful conversation with others. The interpersonal connection where you get to look in to someone's eyes, or perhaps give them a meaningful touch on the arm to really take a message home, is something I cherish. I couldn't live my life without it.

Also, the reason internet dating was so weird for me is that I'm the exact opposite of most. Most people come across far better communicating via electronic message. They have time to come up with "witty" retorts (I put that in quotes because it isn't wit when you've had a day to think it up), and they don't have to worry about a bad reaction to something they've said. I, however, come across FAR better in person.

I will say on the first date with Unicorn I kept tripping over my words and not being able to form complete sentences. I was totally and completely nervous which does NOT happen to me, and that's how I knew he was going to be someone important. At one point I was walking over rocks and I was trying to say, "Oh, now you're making me go through some damn obstacle course to get places." But I couldn't think of the words "obstacle course." So I said half the sentence and said, "What's one of those things where you have to get through stuff?" Seriously, that came out of my mouth. And he still liked me after that. :) Several times throughout that day I would be like, "God, I can't think of it!" and he would whisper the word I was trying to think of in my ear. How very helpful. And we would laugh heartily. I told him, "This is totally your fault mister magic steal my words man. I never get like this."

Okay, I got on tangential sap mode for a minute. He does that to me. Back on topic Melanie!

The point of this was just to say that I enjoy in person human interaction. I think texting and phone calls are for when you don't have the opportunity to get together in person. They are a backup and a lovely way to stay in touch. But they are most definitely not my favorite way to interact.

Happy picture of the day: a gorgeous vintage Yelloware jug that I just may have to buy myself from Etsy. I am a little obsessed with vintage dishes/housewares. This would be a lovely addition to my home.

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I Owe It To Myself

Remember that fella Ricky that is the cutey face posing with the penis ice sculpture from my dating post a while back? Well, he and I have forged a pretty awesome friendship. He got a text from an ex the other day that got me to thinking how glad I am that I owe it to myself to tell people full of drama I want nothing to do with them.

His ex is someone he hadn't spoken to in a while and is not friends with. (Sounds kinda familiar to the me and Rich scenario) and she texted him out of nowhere and was giving him grief. I said, "Why did you respond to those texts? Just ignore her next time." He said he hasn't learned to do that yet. Well, it took me 35 years but I most certainly have, kind of.

Rich contacted me out of the blue two weeks ago asking about an art show that was coming up, and was I going. I, like the sucker that I am, responded. It turned in to him asking if we could try and be friends again, and me saying yes, let's have dinner. But after mulling it over I decided no. I decided he does not have the qualities I require in a friend, and therefore I did not wish to have dinner. I told him if I see him out and about I will be cordial, but he and I are never going to be friends.

It may sound unforgiving or harsh but I see it this way: if someone can treat you disrespectfully and without consideration, and you keep them around, you are reinforcing their horrible behavior. Not only are you having to put up with someone who arrives late, doesn't act appropriately, etc., but you are telling them, "Yes, continue to act this way. There are no consequences to you acting douchey so go ahead and keep it up!" I, for one, refuse to reinforce the horrible behavior of others.

We need to like ourselves enough to realize that being a friend or more with us is a privilege, not a right. A relationship with a good person is something to be forged and earned, and it takes effort on all parts to make it work. We need to let people know they can not be inconsiderate and treat others poorly, yet still have people who make excuses for them and accept that behavior. I see it as my duty as a human to let people know, "No, your shit won't fly here. And if more people liked themselves your shit wouldn't fly anywhere, and you'd be a lonely emm effer."

I am so glad that I now like myself enough to demand respect and consideration. Not so long ago I was surrounded with flaky people who couldn't care less how their actions effected others. No more.

I also fully believe that the reason I started attracting more quality men, good ones who were actually a joy to hang out with and nice people, is because I now give off the vibe of someone with confidence. It makes my interactions far more joyful. I had to tell a lot of nice fellas no thanks, and it's not that they were horrible people. It's just that they weren't good ENOUGH. And in that process I found that one who is not only good enough, but he is great. That would've never happened if I didn't experience all the growth I have in the past few years. So I'm really grateful to be where I am today. Even if I am dating someone who likes football. I kid! But it will be an adjustment to be a good hostess on game days and make nice. Who knows? Maybe I'll even learn to watch football without cringing. :)

Happy picture of the day: I was going to put a picture up of Unicorn but you know what? I'm going to keep that to myself this time. He's not getting shared. Take that! Instead I am putting up something that makes me ridiculously happy. Well, besides Unicorn. It's Billie Holiday, whom I love. This is from a site talking about one of her many run ins with the law. Almost every artist I love and adore, has been a drug addict. I have always said that true genius almost always is paired with drug use or some form of "crazy" behavior.

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I Don't Do Diets

Today’s post is a link up with me and Jax over at Raviolis & Waterworks. We email and talk almost every day and this topic came up so we decided to write about it, as we both don’t like the term “diet.” Her post today is about how she lives a healthy lifestyle, without going on diets.

I have long been a proponent of healthy eating as a lifestyle rather than fad and binge dieting to be healthy. Now, I know a lot of you ladies, and some of you gents out there, are dieting right now. I am not judging. I am just saying that to me it makes far more sense to always eat well, than to constantly be eating the latest “thing” or “lite” food.

Every weekday morning I have 8 oz. of vanilla natural yogurt with flax seed. For lunch I have the only processed food I ingest: a Lean Cuisine or Smart Ones meal with a piece of fruit. Now, I wouldn’t recommend this. This is sheer laziness on my part. But I’m all about honesty, and this is how I honestly eat. For dinner I eat a small portion of protein, a starch, and a vegetable. My entire diet besides weekday lunches consists of whole foods made from scratch, and it’s the only way I could ever eat. I shop at local farmer’s markets for produce, and get hormone free meats from local grocers.

Women at work often comment about which diet they are currently on and I just can’t relate. The other morning we were out to breakfast for a co-worker’s birthday and I had a scone and a half grapefruit. I was asked, “What diet are you doing?” I responded, “I don’t diet. I eat healthy on a regular basis and then if I occasionally want a burger or ice cream, I have some.”

I exercise an hour a day four days a week. Two days of cardio and two days of weights. I also walk around the park near my work three days a week which is about 1.5 miles. I park about ½ mile from work to get in that extra mile every day.

Our nation is the only nation with lite food, diet foods, gyms all over, etc. and we’re the least healthy. My only goal in life is to be healthy and live to a ripe old age. But my intentions aren’t all that pure. I want to live to be really old so that all of the weird stuff I already do will be regarded with a, “But Melanie can do that, ‘cause she’s 80.” Some day I'm going to be eccentric rather than weird, and I look forward to that day very much.

Happy picture of the day: A 1968 Charger. My dream car. I will own this one day I will.

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Warning: This Post Is Sappy As Hell

So the Oakland trip was well worth it. The drive there made me want to kill someone else or myself, but it was fine once I arrived to see the Unicorn's smiling face and open arms. I hung out in those arms a while as my breathing needed to slow and calm from the traffic I'd just sat in. It had taken me 50 minutes to get from here to Berkeley, which is normal. What's not normal is the 50 minutes it then took me to get from Berkeley to his place in Oakland. 50 minutes to get about 8 miles. I figure I was driving on average, 6 mph. But I did it. I did it without throwing up or crying or being out of sorts when I arrived at my destination. Well, I was a little out of sorts but not as bad as I thought I'd be. Melanie the badass: 1, Traffic: 0.

After hugging and kissing him for a while I unpacked my stuff and headed for the shower. He had laid out a washcloth and a fresh towel for me. I walked out of the bathroom with a towel covering me and told him the shower was smarter than I was. Apparently you have to do some switchamaroo where the water comes out for the tub that you have to move. He said as I walked out in a towel, "Ahh, look at you being all modest." So I said, "Habit!" and quickly dropped the towel and smiled.

I got out of the shower and put on some yoga pants and a t shirt, and bounced out to the living room. He said, "Tell me when you get hungry." After about an hour of being all snuggled up watching tv I turned and told him I was hungry. He has a teeny kitchen so I pulled a chair up right outside the kitchen so I could chat with him while he cooked. He made us a delicious skirt steak with sauteed mushrooms, a caprese salad in a bowl, and mashed potatoes. We ate in front of the tv like real life Americans. Then we snuggled some more while the food settled, until we had cake and gelato for dessert. He eats the same brand of gelato that I love, Talenti. I got to try a flavor I'd never had: double chocolate. It was DElicious.

We sat and watched the Cooking Channel, as food nerds are apt to do. I will leave out the gory details of how many times things got intimate. I'll just say that you can fit a lot of sexy time in to a 12 hour period, when you only see someone once a week or so. I have the sex drive of an 18 year old boy and thankfully, he is right up there with me.

I got up at 5:00 am Friday morning to get ready to come home. He got up with me and had yogurt and coffee for me. He listened that I eat yogurt on weekday mornings. So sweet. I hugged and kissed him a bit and really didn't want to leave. At about 5:40 I left his house. As I was driving I got a text that said, "I want you to come back." It is exactly that kind of stuff that is going to keep me around. I eat it up. When I got home it was only 7:00 am so I went by my house to unpack, check on the kitties, clean the litter box, and get ready for the day. I texted to tell him that I can totally do this every other Thursday night, so I can see him once a week. That made him very happy.

For the first time in a very long time, I feel like I have an equal partner. Someone who likes me the same as I like them. So often there is one person that REALLY likes the other, and that other kind of likes you less. That doesn't seem like the case here, and it is nicer than I can express. I am really looking forward to seeing where this relationship takes us. We already have plans to meet up with some friends of mine in the bay for dinner on the 30th. Then we're going to a tiki bar in Alameda. I like that he's a planner like I am, and doesn't look at me like I'm crazy when I try to schedule what we're doing a few weeks out. It's nice.

For now, I am giddy and happy and this is the place where Melanie is really comfortable and glad to be. A place where she talks about herself in the third person and sees absolutely nothing wrong with that. Thanks for really turning out to be my unicorn, Unicorn. I will continue to make everyone physically ill with tales of the fun we have together, and of your awesome consideration and the way you pay attention and care for me. This is going to be good times, and I am really glad for that.

Happy picture of the day: a little racially inappropriate humor to get you going on a Monday. Iiiieeeeee!

Style

I have been complimented a ton lately on things I'm wearing. I accept the compliments with grace, but they shock me every single time. I tend to like things that others find tacky or ridiculous. I tend to err on the side of fun. I sometimes wonder if the compliments are not simply because I always have a smile on my face and am just a good person, moreso than the fact than they really like my thrift store skirt paired with Converse.

I love weird print tees, and wacky zany print blouses. I love ruffles and full skirts and all things frilly. I LOVE western shirts and dark jeans. I wait with baited breath for winter when I can put on a scarf and a sweater. I wear things that make me happy, and maybe that's why it outwardly appears as if I have some semblance of style, when really that's not the case at all.

I just purchased two petticoats to go under some of my vintage dresses. I love a twirly full skirt paired with a ridiculously high, high heel that makes me so tall I can peer over the heads of most people. I sometimes like a modern dress that I can't afford, so I search and find one similar in my price range. I love finding a treasure in a thrift store, which is getting harder and harder now that the "cool" kids who teased me in high school for wearing old used clothes, have decided that vintage is in.

I find that I don't care what someone is wearing, but am drawn to people who are obviously wearing something because it is inherently THEM. I can see a dress on one woman and think, "That looks odd" and the same dress on another woman and think it's gorgeous. It's more in someone trying to pull something off because someone told them they should, rather than wearing what they truly love.

I just saw a fabulous young lady yesterday in a skirt, cardigan, and red glasses and yelled out, "You are too damn cute little lady!" and she got the biggest smile on her face. That's the most important thing to remember. When you see someone who looks great, tell them. Even if you don't know them. Tell someone they are cute today!

If I see a man in a western shirt it doesn't really matter what he looks like, I immediatley love him.

Here's a picture of a shirt I have that I really like. Maybe I should've just made a whole post about western shirts.

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Fluidity

I often ponder the people who are set in their ways. The people for whom the sentence, "That's just the way I am, and it's the way I'll always be" rolls off their lips as if that is a perfectly acceptable way to go through life. Maybe it is for them. But for me, it is sad. For me, I need to know that one thing can spark my interest and reset my brain and something I thought I'd never do or say, is now a viable option in life.

The idea of a fluid life not filled with any, "But I'm supposed to be this way at this age" thoughts has always appealed to me. Perhaps especially because as I am quickly approaching 40, I do not in any way act the way that 19 year old me, assumed 37 year old me would. I am glad that in being true to myself and doing what pleases me, I have been able to do so happily. I have veered off the path many times, but I was able to swerve and get back to where I needed to be. I harmed myself and others in the process, but was able to heal and make amends where necessary.

What got me thinking about this was saying goodbye to Unicorn on Friday afternoon. We talked about how hard it was going to be to see each other, but how we'd figure something out. We left thinking we wouldn't see each other again until the 30th. Then he said, "Maybe you could come down on a weeknight or something." I quickly replied, "No. There is no way I could do that." One last kiss and him closing my gate for me as I was on my way to do something, then my head started going. I realized that if you are going to date someone who lives an hour and a half away, sometimes you are going to have to do things that cause you grief just thinking about them.

You see, when I was 19, I was in a REALLY bad car wreck. One that made my car look more like an accordion than something that would actually get you from point A to point B. A guy in a flatbed truck had hit me. I had barely stopped without hitting the car in front of me when traffic came to a screeching halt. I sighed with relief. I then looked in to my rearview to see a truck barreling down on me, that I knew was not going to stop. I took my foot off the brake and waited for impact. All I remember is the rear window shattering and safety glass pelting me, my right leg flying up and hitting the steering wheel so hard I thought for sure I'd broken my shin, and trying to get the car to the side of the road. I couldn't. The car was toast. So I shimmied out and walked to the side of the freeway. Crying. Crying not so much because I was in pain but crying because the whole situation was so damn scary. When the man who'd hit me tried to approach me to apologize I looked up and quietly said with what I'm sure was hatred in my voice, "Walk away from me or I'm going to hurt you worse than you've ever been hurt before." He listened, thankfully. I know for a fact that 19 year old me might have killed that man.

Fast forward to me having severe panic in any sort of slowed traffic. For years I avoided traffic time at all costs, or took surface streets. Then slowly but surely I began to get back on the freeway and force myself to deal with it. Now, when traffic is stop and go I get a little uneasy, but nothing like I used to. So the thought of me driving to the bay Thursday evening, and coming back to work by 8 Friday morning, was not one I pondered with glee.

Tonight I'm going to Oakland straight from work. I'm going to shower, have dinner with Unicorn, and stay the night. Then I'm going to leave Oakland to come back to work at 5:30 in the morning. I'm going to do this because he starts work at 7, and traffic from here to there is FAR worse than from there to here. So I'm going to do a trial run. Then more than likely I'll be doing it every other Thursday so I can see him more than every other weekend. I feel about him the way I haven't felt about anyone in about 15 years, which may sound sudden and strange, and truthfully I don't give a shit how it sounds. I just know how I feel. And I know I will do whatever it takes to make this work, until it isn't working anymore.

I am glad that even though I can say an emphatic, "No!" to something, that I can take a step back and really think things over to see what I can accomplish. I am finding that even with all of my crazy brain stuff, if I really focus and put my mind to things, there is absolutely nothing I can't do. Okay, nothing except go to sleep with dishes in the sink or go a week without cleaning my house. But hey, progress not perfection right?

Happy picture of the day: this is a sign Unicorn and I saw on our first date. We both laughed so hard as we looked to our right and saw a sign that said, "Sexy Sexy's Salon." Not just one, but two Sexy's. I said to Unicorn, "Holy shit! I need to get my hair done there. I bet I'd come out looking like the female mentioned in a Prince song!" He said, "You should go get in the picture so the arrow is pointing at your ass." I didn't, but I laughed that he wanted me to. That might be the exact moment when I decided I would probably want to keep this one. (The fact that Sexy Sexy's Salon is around the back, was not lost on us).

Mayer Hawthorne

I went to see him last night. Up until two months ago I assumed he was a black guy my age. But no, he's a nerdy white boy in his late 20s. I love him. He's a super cheeseball live, but the music was great, and the crowd was half young white kids, half hardcore cholos. It was amazing. I am super tired from being up late so I'm just putting up links to a few of my favorite songs of his for today.

Mayer Hawthorne - Just Ain't Gonna Work Out

Mayer Hawthorne - The Walk

Mayer Hawthorne - Your Easy Lovin' Ain't Pleasin' Nothin'

Mayer Hawthorne - Can't Stop

And of course I've linked to his song The Ills in one of my many music posts. The song where he sounds astoundingly like Curtis Mayfield. I love the guy. Have a great day everyone, and keep cool. I have to make sure to get plenty of rest tonight 'cause tomorrow I'm doing my first weekday trip to Oakland to see how bad the traffic will be, so I can see the new guy more than every other weekend. Please pray traffic is not too bad. I get pretty panicky in traffic.

Job Hunting

It's one of my least favorite things to do. I know it's cliche and stupid because really, does anyone like the act of having to go out and sell themselves as the best man for the job? No. I realize I am blessed in that I am able to do this while gainfully employed. I am not having to do this because I am out of work. I am having to do this because after numerous ridiculous things happening in my current work environment, including being thrown under the bus for things that were not my responsibility, I've finally reached my limit.

Getting a new job will in no way hinder my quest for upward mobility in my agency. If it would I would just buckle down and bear it. But as things stand, I have to take my own advice and stop complaining about the problem, and be proactive in solving it. So that's what I'm doing.

I have applied for three jobs in the past month, and will continue to check vacancies and apply to jobs that seem to suit my needs. I am being very careful to apply to positions where I know the person who will be my new supervisor, or have a contact in that division who can tell me the scoop about the person who will be my new supervisor.

You see, to me, having a good supervisor has always been the key to my job satisfaction. If I have a supportive individual who communicates openly and has my back, I thrive. If I have a negative person who acts in ways I find unprofessional, I struggle. No matter how easy something should be to pick up, I will always take far longer to get things when I'm working for someone I don't like. It's just the way my head works. I had the same problem in school: loved the teacher, got an A no matter how hard the subject, and vice versa.

I am of the belief that while you are never going to be in a space at work where you like everyone, you should surely strive to be in a space where you feel valued and appreciated. If not, you are spending the majority of your waking hours in a negative environment. At best, you are relieved when you get to go home each day. At worst, you carry your anger or sadness home to your loved ones and complain and then make their evening miserable to match the day you had. I do not want to be that person, and I see it starting to happen.

So after today and suffering the last straw with a comment made that it was really hard for me to just respond with a, "Let me figure it out and get back to you on that," I am over it. I will do whatever it takes to get out of here and get in to a position where I can be more myself. Where I can concentrate on one or two tasks and within a year be a subject matter expert. Where I can schedule a meeting with my supervisor to discuss projects and ask if I'm on the right track, and not get pushed to the side, then blamed when my tasks veered off the track that was preferred. Where doing the best I can, is acceptable when I have no one to turn to for guidance.

I spent years in situations where I was made to feel less than. A lot of the time I didn't like myself so I felt like it was what I deserved and stayed there. Stayed in relationships where I was not treated as the amazing individual that I am. I will not just walk out on a job, even though at times I really want to. But I will make sure that this level of extreme dissatisfaction with where I'm at is a temporary thing. A stepping stone to get me on to bigger and better things. Wish me luck y'all. Momma's movin' on up...to the east side...to a deeeeluxe apartment...in the sky high high!

Happy picture of the day: this came in the mail the other day. It's a great addition to my ridiculous collection.

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Dear Unicorn

I hope you are who I think you are. I am extremely excited to have finally met someone who seems to have his head on straight. Is it possible that I'm FINALLY dating a man, rather than a boy? Dating someone who doesn't make me feel like the bread winner? Someone who has already been able to teach me about new chefs and restaurants, new movie directors, new things in general? I really hope you are who you say you are, 'cause if you are, then dating is totally worth it.

When I send you a text of me making a face with the caption, "Here is me being annoyed at work." You respond with, "You are too pretty to look annoyed." Thanks for that. Even though I don't need the compliments, they sure are dandy. Thanks for making me feel pretty, and smart, and appreciated on our 25 hour first date.

--Melanie

That's right kids, on Thursday morning a fella showed up to take me out to lunch at 10:30 in the morning. He was absolutely adorable with his big ol' handlebar moustache, sporting a western shirt and dark dark jeans. He had a huge smile on his face like he was so happy to meet me, after a few days of writing back and forth and being shocked about how much we had in common. I looked beyond him to notice he had driven up in a brand new, without even license plates, Jaguar. I'm not saying I'm a car whore, but after dating a bunch of carless and jobless fellas, some who didn't have cell phones, a financially secure individual is a happy change of pace.

He has been divorced for about seven years, and has three kids. His relationship with his ex-wife is amicable, and he has the kids every other weekend. When he left he invited me to go to Oakland to hang out with him. Our next date is already set. How refreshing!

His last relationship lasted five years. Finally, someone who is a relationship person. Someone who is not out just getting laid and keeping it casual. God bless those who do that, I just don't want to date them. I want to date someone where there is a possibility of a monogamous future. Someone who has been deeply in love and knows that that's where they want to eventually end up again.

In past years I would've spent hours and hours wondering what was wrong with him. Wondering how many other women he's seeing that he's not telling me about. Wondering how long it would be before the ball dropped and I saw his true colors...true colors I do not like. But thank goodness for healthy self-esteem. This time I'm just going to live in the moment and enjoy this. Enjoy the first time where everything I said, someone smiled about. Everything I did someone told me, "You're wonderful for that." Every silly squeal I made or song I sang was met with a giggle and a smile. Every minute of a first date that lasted far too long, yet was way too short, spent being happy.

I am hopeful yet realistic. Hopeful that I finally am going to have a bit of coupled happiness that is long overdue and that I surely deserve. Realistic that this may fizzle out as we get to know each other's quirks and realize that perhaps they aren't things we can get past and appreciate the other person anyways. Hopeful that all the snuggles and smiles and running around town wanting to show him, "These are the things I love about my town," were things that he loved too. Realistic that since we live an hour and a half away from each other, even if we do end up together it's only going to be every other weekend for a while.

Right this minute I am happy that I am letting new men in. I'm happy that even though I've struggled, and been through hurt, and had my heart broken, I'm still willing to take another chance. This go round I've met some really nice people. I have one that is surely a friend for life and my new cheerleader to happiness. And maybe, maybe just one that I can hang out with on a regular basis for some time to come, who makes me smile. That makes everything worthwhile.

So thanks mister unicorn. Thanks for telling me really personal things about your children that you haven't told some people you have dated for months. Thanks for trusting me, and kissing me, and telling me I'm amazing and beautiful. You are amazing and beautiful too. Oh, and thanks for letting everyone who reads my blog forever know you as the unicorn. I'm not 100% sure you exist for real yet. But I'm totally hoping you do.

Happy picture of the day: here is an old photo of me about to ride my favorite wooden roller coaster in Santa Cruz. I'm going to go again next month, and I can't wait to be whipped around and bounced about.

One of the oldest still running wooden roller coasters in the world, The Giant Dipper.

Y'all Are Giving Me A Big Head

Reanna over at Rock The Single Life honored me with the Kreativ Blogger award a few days ago. Thanks so much Reanna. Here are the rules:

1. Thank and link back to the awarding blog.
2. Answer seven questions.
3. Provide 10 random factoids about yourself.
4. Hand the award on to 7 deserving others. (Absolutely none of you who I hand the award to need to mention me in your blog or follow any of these rules).

I get to answer any seven questions as Reanna didn't specify. Bad idea Reanna. :)

1. Favorite song of all time: Sister Christian by Night Ranger. No I'm not joking. Ever since the damned Asian in Boogie Nights was throwing firecrackers indoors in a coke infused haze, I've been in love with this song. It is the ringer on my phone.

2. What if the hokey pokey IS what it's really all about? I'm scared.

3. What came first: the chicken or the egg? Bacon.

4. Why do you cuss so much? Because if I stop being a potty mouth, the terrorists win.

5. Are you ever going to grow up? No.

6. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Heh, you said wood.

7. Why? I don't know. Why would you even ask me that question?

Ten random facts about myself:

I love Sister Christian, and redundancy.

I was geeky when geeky wasn't cool.

I scored higher on the SAT's as an eight year old, than 75% of high school juniors do.

I slept with someone recently on a first date, but it was a 25 hour first date. So if you think about it, I really slept with the dude on date four. I'm totally safe from slutdom.

My favorite instrument is the steel pedal slide guitar.

Someday I am going to buy, and learn to play, a theremin.

Right now I am listening to Close To Me, by The Cure.

I have a real and true obsession with the spork.

I sleep less than anyone I know, who is not a meth addict.

I think the banh mi is the best food ever created. And I feel like a hipster 'cause I always think, "I liked those sandwiches before most white people even knew what they were."

Seven people who deserve this award 'cause they rule:

Pickleope:  I am sure this dainty shite of a pickle has won this award 1000 times over, but guess what? You're winning it again you snapdragon.

Good Youngman Brown: If you are not reading this blog yet, I smite you and your whole family.

A Girl And Her Fork: Yes, Ally is my friend. But I would give her this even if she wasn't, because she is great. Go read about the lovely food she makes, and the wonderful adventures she goes on.

Drollgirl: One of my favorite blogs. I especially like her art/photo posts and her hot or not's.

Raviolis And Waterworks: It is no secret that I love Jax like a little sister. And I'm protective of my little sisters. Be nice to her, or I will cut you.


Not So Simply Single: This lady shoots from the hip and is honest as all get out, and I adore her for it. Refreshing and true stories of the dating life of a fabulous woman.

Hollow Tree Ventures: Robyn is honest, funny, and writes some of the best posts out there.

So there you have it folks. My second blog award so far. I am so grateful for the honor. YOU LIKE ME! YOU REALLY LIKE ME!

The Kitchen

So last night I went and did something that my lovely office job has blessed me with the ability to do: I treated a friend to a dinner where the tab came out to be roughly $350.00. I am in no way ashamed that there is a time once a year when I pick a fantastic restaurant and go spend an ungodly amount at it. Ever since I quit drinking, amazing food has been my passion, and last night I got to explore that passion to the fullest.

I drove after work to pick up my homo husband Jesus. We arrived at the restaurant which is in a non-descript building with no signage. Inside there is a very small and cozy dining room, with a huge kitchen as its focus. They encourage you to get up and wander around, ask for seconds if you really like a course, explore the wine cellar, walk through the kitchen, and all kinds of other things that you could never do in a regular restaurant.

Here is one of the sous chefs explaining the sashim/sushi intermezzo where you got up to explore and pick out various goodies before your third course. 

We were seated along a horseshoe bar that wrapped around the kitchen, getting a phenomenal view of all the goings on. There were also about eight tables to the right of us, but I had specifically requested a seat at the bar. I took a ton of pictures, and was glad that others had their cameras out doing the same. The explanation of courses was exquisite. Every ingredient was mentioned with careful care given to telling us where it was sourced, the treatment of the product, and why it was chosen for that specific course. My only regret was my inability to capture a photo of these little miniature carrots and radishes used in one of our dishes. They were so freaking cute. 

Each item was lovingly plated right before your eyes. The beauty of the dishes matched the taste. Each course coming out had me smiling, while wondering if I was going to have the room to make it to dessert. I had eaten next to nothing all day in anticipation of this meal. 


There were so many good things to mention about this experience, not the least of which was the seriousness with which they took dietary restrictions and preferences. When you made the reservation you informed them of any special dietary needs. My dining guest needed a gluten free menu, and they were glad to oblige. Not only that, but it's not like they just made him miss out on bread. They made him a special gluten free bread. The dough on the dessert was made especially for him. They will accommodate any sort of request. Several folks requested no shellfish or no foie gras. There were vegan meals being crafted before our eyes. At one point I heard the chef yell, "Do not handle sesame seeds near that plate right there. They are allergic and if they get sick it's on you." I was astounded and impressed.

Love and care given to the plating of our soup course. The soup was a play on a lobster vichyssoise, and it was amazing.

All in all it was a fun evening filled with irreverent conversation. At one point the chef explained how they stroked the lobsters to put them to sleep, and if any of us wanted to come in the wine cellar later to learn how, we were more than welcome to. Thanks inappropriate humor! I myself like to be sexually harrassed with my dinner. Although this is not something I will be doing again any time soon, and it broke my budget for the month, I have no regrets. It was a four hour experience, moreso than a meal. And it was worth every damn penny.

   My lovely dessert tart, utilizing the exact same blueberries I myself purchased at the farmer's market this weekend.

Fear Factor

I am not going to go in to a diatribe about eating bull penises or jumping off of helicopters in to shark infested waters, but that would be a fun entry. Instead I'm going to get all kinds of serious on your ass.

I have a lovely group of friends. They all make me feel loved and safe. When I journey out in to the world to meet new people, I realize that my group of friends are not the norm. Most people are so busy living in fear that they don't realize how badly they are treating others. Arrogance = hidden fear. Someone being really rude to others = based in fear. Pretty much all bad behavior you see people exhibiting can all be traced back to something that people are afraid of. Most often that is rejection.

I don't understand fear of rejection. I will just put myself out there. I realize that if someone doesn't like me, it rarely has anything to do with me. It's generally their own stuff. I am really up front and a little intense. If someone doesn't like that, I respect that. But I don't take it personally or feel bad about it. I just figure that person wasn't meant to be in my life, and I move on.

In the dating world I'm much the same. I am who I am. I don't fake that I'm someone else to draw someone in because why do that? The Melanie you meet is the Melanie you'll be hanging out with six months from now. I am not interested in fooling someone in to spending time with me. Also, if you don't communicate effectively I'm not interested. If you play coy and aloof I don't wonder what's wrong with me. On the contrary, it makes me feel sorry for you that you can't act like an adult.

I feel bad that some people aren't really willing to do the hard work to look at themselves and learn to be a better person. Because unless you are willing to do that, your interpersonal interactions are never going to be at the quality level they could be. You can't be in a meaningful friendship or relationship, if you don't really know yourself.

I am far from perfect. All of my friends are far from perfect. The thing is that all of us are who we are, without apology. Some of our flaws we are working on. Some of our flaws we know will be with us forever, so we acknowledge them and just try not to let them guide our actions. Some of our flaws we laugh about 'cause they seem so damn ridiculous, they don't make any sense. But we know what they are. I think that is where the secret to being a good person is.

I spent many years doing the hard work of self-realization, and I continue to do so. After years of thinking that the things going wrong in my life were because of others, I broke down and took ownership for why my life was where it was. I am in a good place. I just wish more people were here with me. It's a really nice place to be. Even with my down days, and my nervous days, and my insomnia days. I'd rather be me, than be someone floating through life not letting others in, or not knowing who I truly am. That, to me, seems like a nightmare.

Today I can say I'm honestly not afraid of most things. But sometimes I actually AM afraid. I'm afraid of the people who lack self-awareness and wander through life victimizing other people due to their lack of knowledge. Those people are raising children and driving cars. Those people are belittling others at work and beating their spouses. The world would be a nicer place if those people didn't exist, and the fact that I think that scares me.

Happy picture of the day: truth.

Source

Fresh Produce

I get as excited about new fruits and veggies as some women get about new shoes. I am completely spoiled in that every Sunday there is a farmer's market under the freeway less than five miles from my house. Then every Tuesday from May - October there are markets near my work. So if I forget anything on Sunday, I can walk and get something Tuesday. The Sunday market is year round.

Every Sunday morning I am up bright and early to either go for a run, or do a kettlebell workout in the backyard, depending on how I'm feeling. Then I take a rinse off shower and head to the market. Our market has tons of stalls. We even have local farmers there with eggs, meat, pork, chicken, fish, cheese, olive oils, and everything else local and amazing you can imagine.

I don't think a lot of the people who live here realize how truly blessed we are to have such a thing at our disposal. It is not only very simple to eat locally and seasonally here, but you can also run in to some of your favorite chefs getting stuff to cook at their restaurants. I have the tendency to get overzealous and buy far too much. For instance, tonight I have to cook off some brussel sprouts and prep some beets for a salad, before they go bad. I HATE having to throw out food.

Sunday morning I went to the market with the full intention of just buying a fresh bouquet of flowers. My budget is tighter than usual since tomorrow night I'm taking my homo husband out to a spendy dinner. But as I arrived at the market I knew there was no way I was leaving with just flowers. Upon walking in to the market I spied the most beautiful red onions. They smelled so sweet and amazing I wanted to just bite in to one like an apple. I also got some local honey, baby bok choy, purple potatoes, romaine lettuce (fresh romaine is so different from the almost white crap you get at the store), and gorgeous blueberries.

Sunday afternoon I chopped a huge slice of red onion and made a roast beef sandwich. I piled on cheese, mustard, mayo, red wine vinegar, olive oil, salt and pepper. It was so large and tasty that for dinner all I had was roasted brussel sprouts. I knew the sandwich calories were pretty much all of my calories for the day, and I'd already had poached eggs on toast for breakfast. The sandwich was really just an excuse to get that red onion in my belly. And boy, was it worth it.

I am so happy that I have a place I can go and get my healthy, yummy, fruits and veggies in town. After discovering the market I can't even eat supermarket produce anymore without cringing about how blah it tastes. I am spoiled, and I totally love it.

Happy picture of the day: my fridge full of yummy veggies and goodies.

We Have A Dark Horse In The Running

I know, I know, enough of the effing dating posts already Melanie. This will be the last one for a while, I promise. Unless I write another one, then all bets are off.

I went on a few dates with Ricky before he decided he just wasn't feeling it and we have been chatting as friends ever since. I didn't take it personally. To me, trying to pursue something with a fella who isn't in to you, is like chasing a gay man. Why would you do that? I know some women get all butt hurt about, "Why doesn't he like me????" and sometimes my mind goes there. But mostly I just realize that's what was supposed to happen and I move on.

I had a date Thursday evening with a really awesome guy. He was kind, smart, and funny. I could tell from the first few minutes there was no romantic connection for me. Sometimes it takes a few dates, but sometimes I can tell right off the bat I'm just not going to like this person as anything more than a friend. I try to let them know as soon as possible so that they don't put any effort in to trying to make more than a friendship connection with me. I believe in being up front.

Thursday morning I had started talking with a guy from the bay area who instantly made me all giddy like a school girl. I love that feeling. We texted all day, talked more than once on the phone, and it just felt right. Then my defense mechanisms kicked in and I started thinking the, "What if he's not really who he says he is? blah blah blah shut up brain blah blah." But I pushed that all aside. He's coming out Wednesday night to hang out. We'll call him the new redbeard. I am learning I really do have a thing for the ginger beard. But aside from the fact of all the physical stuff about him that I'm drawn to: he's 6' 4", he's got some weight to him, and he's cute as a button, I just immediately felt at ease with him and conversation flowed and didn't seem forced or awkward ever. That's huge for me.

I had a coffee date Friday morning. This is with the local musician guy. He is totally amazing. Kind, smart, funny, been sober a while. But in all honestly my mind right now is totally with my big bearded bear. I can't get him off of my mind. I can't push him aside to give anyone else a chance until we hang out and I see if what I think is there, really is. It may be weird. It may be unhealthy. I may break the basket with all of the eggs I'm putting in to it, but it just feels right to me to do that. Sometimes, you have to put your logic aside and just go with what your gut tells you, so that's what I'm going to do.

I cancelled both dates I had scheduled for the weekend with Trouble and the other nice guy, because I honestly didn't have the energy or the want to try and squeeze any more me and a new man time in to my life. I am physically and mentally exhausted right now. So I made the decision to put those dates off, maybe indefinitely. Then Trouble got in touch with me Saturday afternoon and asked if he could come over that evening and I said what the heck. He came over at around 9 pm and we just chatted and visited. He's not trouble at all. He's smart, and nice, and I must say he may actually have a shot if the feeling is mutual. I am really proud of myself in that I'm keeping a positive attitude about it this go 'round. I have the tendency to throw in the towel and put up barriers to protect myself. I'd honestly rather have my heart broken a thousand times, then not give that next love a chance. It's out there somewhere. It may not be out there with anyone I'm currently talking to, but I know it's out there.

Hi, I have a red beard and I'm cute.

Insomnia

I know I have written about this before, but as I am smack dab in the middle of one of the worst runs of non-sleep I've ever experienced besides when I used to do meth, I am writing about it again.

For the past two weeks there has only been one night where I've slept longer than four hours in a stretch. I have this thing I do a lot of times where I sleep in shifts. I'll sleep from 9-1, then I'm up 'til 5, then back asleep 'til I have to get up for work. As any of you who sleep like this can attest to, this just makes it feel like you only got as much sleep as you did on that last shift. It is exhausting. And unlike in my 20s, my body does not bounce back the way it used to.

Last Saturday night I slept from midnight 'til 8 in the morning. I was so excited about this that I got up and went for a run, then headed to the farmer's market all full of energy. If I sleep more than 6 hours it's a god damned miracle. I am now to the point where I am totally ready to go on some sort of low dose sedative like Klonipin. I researched and it's far less habit forming than the other anti-anxietals like Xanax and Ativan. So I'm calling my doctor today.

I have marijuana at home. I have used it a few times, but because of my addictive past I don't want it to be a daily use thing. So in the past few weeks I have smoked once. I don't know why I view it as more of a drug than the pain pills I have to take for my back occasionally, or an anti-anxietal, but I do. I think because I know so many people that claim to use it for medicinal purposes, that are just lying potheads who use it to numb their lives. I don't ever want to become that. So I am extra paranoid about smoking. I know it makes no sense. Welcome to my OCD head.

I am now to the point where I have very little patience for other human beings. You need sleep for a reason. I don't find myself acting on how on edge I feel, but I find myself THINKING far more mean and horrible things when I have gone this long on an insomnia kick. I like sleep. And all of you out there who fall asleep quickly, and sleep through the night, need to count your blessings.

I just had one of my dates cancel for tonight. Usually that would annoy me. But I'm so damn tired that I'm actually happy to get to go home, roast some brussel sprouts and cook up some swiss chard, and munch on food in my jammies and just veg out. The thought of having to entertain anyone tonight is about the furthest thing from fun I can think of.

I have a coffee date tomorrow morning which will be perfect, 'cause it'll give me an excuse to have a second cup of caffeine in the day, which I usually do not allow myself to do. Saturday evening I have a date with Trouble. Then Sunday I have a brunch date with a chubby fella who is so damn sweet. I am looking forward to all of the dates, mostly because none of them go in to the late night. I need my late nights to drift off in to slumber.

When I first got sober I had this problem bad. I had been using alcohol to help me sleep for so long (or more accurately pass the fuck out) that I had forgotten how bad my insomnia really was. It goes in waves. I will be really happy when this wave is over.

Happy picture of the day: I love these fake motivational posters, and this one is fitting today.

Source

Talent

The reason I like so many different artists, musicians, dancers, etc. is that I just really enjoy when someone is exhibiting talent. Here are some of the things that make me smile.

Skinner - Time Lapse

Birdy - 1901

I wanted to put a link to the three roommate poppers that were on last night's So You Think You Can Dance but I can't find the video anywhere. You need to see them. It was one of the most amazing things I've ever seen, and I've seen a lot of shit.

Alberto Vargas

Chet Baker - Time After Time

Breakdancing

The Beach Boys - I'm Waiting For The Day

Robert Bowen - Magnanimous- That part at the end about him rarely smiling is so not true.

That's all I got for now. I haven't been sleeping for shit this week and I have zero energy so I'm not gonna lie, I'm kinda phoning it in these last few days. Hopefully next week will be better. :)

Random Thoughts

I am learning through meeting new people, how truly different I am than most people. I say what I mean and mean what I say. I like myself enough that when I'm asked a question I don't have to be evasive, or resort to humor to avoid saying something someone may not like.

I really hate when people are walking across the street texting, and they are walking so slow it's quite obvious they are too stupid to do both things at once. I wonder if when they chew gum, they forget to breathe.

I am going full force in to this dating thing. As I find out one isn't dating material, another pops up that is. Thanks universe.

The only night I have to myself this week is Thursday, and I'm actually looking forward to Thursday night.

I am having a quinoa salad and red carrots for lunch today. But only so I can go out to dinner with Ricky and pig out on a molcahete, and huitlacoche quesadilla.

I am pretty sure quinoa makes me gassy.

I have so many fresh veggies at my house I may have to cook them all on Thursday so none of them go bad.

My farmer's market flowers from Sunday are already beginning to wilt, the little bastards.

I have a date with Trouble on Saturday, and I'm looking forward to it.

I watched Master Chef last night and it made me cry twice.

I am going on so many dates my movie update for June is gonna be mighty slim. I don't watch movies on dates. I think it's a copout way to not have to have conversation.

I am going here on June 13th, and it is going to be mighty expensive, and totally worth it.

I am finding I have an affinity for 60s food like oysters rockefeller.

Last night I made squash blossoms with ricotta cheese for dinner. It was good, but I probably won't make it again. Fried stuff has to be REALLY good for me to make it twice.

I am going to try and get on a mild sedative for my anxiety and sleep problems. I haven't had a decent night's sleep in over a week, and it's making me grumpy. I also have trouble concentrating, which I already usually have anyways, so it's just compounded and frustrating.

I need to have a bbq or group dinner soon. It's been way too long.

Happy picture of the day: funny.

                                         

Weddings

It is wedding season. Now, most people don't like weddings so much, but I'm lucky in that the ones I get invited to are fun.

My friend Hilary married her hubby at a costume wedding in a park. There was a bouncy house. They rode down the aisle on a tandem bike. A friend officiated the service, then we all drank far too much. I may or may not have gotten in the jump house with my friend Darling's hubby, and proceeded to knock the whole thing over. That takes a lot of effort, let me tell you.

My friend Megan had a dark circus themed wedding. She made the invitations herself and they were gorgeous. Pretty much everyone at the wedding my age, was covered in tattoos and wearing vintage outfits. They had already gotten married in Vegas, but were renewing their vows. It was a short and pretty ceremony, followed by a fun reception in an Elks Lodge. An Elks Lodge where I found a light up deer painting that I turned on and amused all the guests with.

My friend Jen had a janky hoedown wedding. I missed that one because I couldn't find a date and really didn't want to go alone. I made dinner for her family recently and soaked in all of the details. I am really happy they found each other. Her husband Daniel is a great guy and even said he might be able to fix my pinball machine.

Sunday I went to my cousin Sarah's wedding. It was officiated by the woman Earline, who owns the Santa Cruz house I visit often. It was a very relaxed, intimate, and fun ceremony. Earline had asked me to sit where she could see me, as she was nervous and wanted to look upon a smiling friendly face if she lost her place or started tripping over her words. I warned her I'm a big baby wedding crier. My cousin walked down the aisle with her eyes welled up with tears, and I immediately joined her. You see, the guy she married is this amazing semi-pro football player who treats her really well and loves her to death. I am really happy for her. Plus, I'm an empathetic crier. I settled down until her hubby Brandyn started in on his vows. He said when he asked her folks for her hand in marriage, they asked why he wanted to marry her. His response was a simple, "Because she's perfect." He then went on to say something to the effect of how she made him a better person, without ever asking him to change. Again came the damn tears. It was so sweet, and you could hear in his quivering voice, and see in his face, how much he truly loved my cousin, and thought theirs was a forever love.

Although I don't believe in marriage, I am glad that I know so many happily married people. I don't really see it in my future. But as I've said before, if I loved someone and it was important to them we get hitched, I would totally do it without regret. You gotta take chances, right?

Happy picture of the day: here is Sarah walking down the aisle with my uncle Paul. She looked absolutely stunning, and I am really happy that she found love. I honestly believe there are many years of happiness in her future with her new husband. I fell in love with him as soon as I saw the way he looked at her.

I'm No Damn Quitter

So literally two days after I himmed and hawed about online dating and how sucky it was, I decided to put a profile on a different site and just leave it up a month. I am not a quitter, but I tend to make rash decisions when things are getting me down. Within hours I was talking to three separate, seemingly interesting men. It was a totally different experience from the other site in that no one sent really ignorant, or overly sexual messages. Within two days I had been asked out on dates. One of them even texted me after we'd talked one night saying he was downtown, and did I need him to bring me coffee or something. This is just what I needed right now. I needed my faith in humanity restored.

I'm still talking to three of them, but I had a lunch date with one on Friday which happened impromptu. I sent him a picture of this beautiful blown glass pitcher I found at a yard sale on the way to work with the message, "There goes my lunch money." He responded with, "I guess I'll have to come take you out to lunch then." We had so much fun eating calamari and being totally ridiculous. He has no boundaries like me, is very tidy, and I laughed so hard that my cheeks hurt.

One of them is so good looking it's painful, but he's got pretty severe depression. He was supposed to come hang out but had to back out at the last minute. He's trouble with a capital T. But for just a split second, I thought maybe I just needed some pretty trouble in my life for a minute. I've rethought since then. But it was tempting. I would put his picture up to prove my point, but I don't want to ask his permission and I never post pics without letting people know first. Jax knows what he looks like. It's god damned dangerous.

Another one is really smart and knows quite a few of the same people I do. He's this amazing local guitar player and that is what makes me hesitant. I have dated a LOT of musicians in my time. I'm too old for catty women at gigs saying things in whispered voices like, "There's his girlfriend" and picking me apart. I am too old to be knocking people's teeth out. I haven't completely discounted him, but that one factor does make things a bit worrisome.

The leader of the pack is a fella named Ricky. He's 40, an electrical engineer with UC Davis, and dresses like he's from the 50s, right down to his greaser hair and the exact same glasses Malcolm X and JFK wore. Seriously, he researched and found the brand and got them. I like attention to detail like that. One night on the phone I was telling him how I have separate laundry hampers for lights and darks. He laughed and then the next minute he sent me a picture...of his two laundry hampers for lights and darks. I almost died.

When he came to pick me up for lunch Friday he was out of his truck (I love a guy with a big manly truck) to open the door for me. He let me pick the restaurant and was just altogether a gentleman. He is very handsome and although I don't want to jump the gun, I am hoping that he's around for a while. Even if it doesn't work out romantically, this is a person I want in my life from now on. I have pretty big trust issues so I can honestly say I don't have faith that anything will come of it. But if it doesn't, that is how it was meant to be and it's okay. After a date Saturday that ended in a hearty hug goodbye, I do not even have the energy to try and sort out, "Is that putting me in the friend zone, or is he just a gentleman?" so I'll figure that out in time I guess. Probably by making him really uncomfortable by asking point blank where his head is at.

As for the bearded guy from the other site, I haven't heard from him since Tuesday. I find aloof and inability to pull the trigger very unattractive, so I'm done with that one. All in all I'm glad I didn't throw in the towel and for this minute things are going well.

Happy picture of the day: that's Ricky. When he sent me this picture I seriously laughed because there is a picture of me in Amsterdam, next to a penis fountain, all smiley. We both have pictures of ourselves posing with penis sculptures. What are the odds?

 

He plays drums. I can't seem to get away from musicians. Also, he has a lip beard. I can't escape those either apparently.

Music

I just KNOW that you give a shit what I'm listening to right now. So here it is.

The Naked and Famous - Jilted Lovers

Sally Seltmann - Heart That's Pounding

Oingo Boingo - Little Girls

Drive Like Jehu - Do You Compute

Monsula - Razors

The Who - Bald Headed Woman

Iron and Wine - Naked As We Come

The XX - Heart Skipped A Beat

Los Cincos - Kissing at the Carnival

Elton John - Goodbye Yellow Brick Road

Happy picture of the day: I would eat at any restaurant that had a sign like this.