August Movies

Even without my DVD player and with my Netflix being down a week, I still managed to get in plenty of movies this past month. Here are some of my favorites:

The Iron Lady - First of all I'm a little biased because I LOVE Meryl Streep. But I really enjoyed this movie. History biopics almost always fascinate me. I knew very little of Margaret Thatcher before I watched this. It was a nice learning experience. She was a pretty amazing woman.

W/E - I am not a lover of Madonna, but I did like this movie. A lot of people hated it. I tend to not tear movies apart or overthink them. I simply like or don't like them based on the way they made me feel. I found this movie very interesting. The costuming was beautiful and the set design was well done. Sometimes that is all it takes for me to like a film.

The Devil's Double - If you only see one movie from this list, this should be it. The story about Saddam Hussein's insane ass son, and his body double. I knew nothing about Uday Hussein before watching this. What a sociopath. I loved this movie.

Ghost World - I had forgotten how much I loved this movie until I watched it again last weekend. So well written and hilarious. You should watch it just for the white trash mullet dude who hangs out in the parking lot of the quickie mart. I love that guy!

Juno - Another great old one I rewatched this weekend. The dialogue alone. Brilliant.

Mi Vida Loca - It is THE classic chola movie. The higher the hair the closer to God! I could watch this movie every day. There is actually a line in it about how the cholas don't respect themselves these days and she says, "They don't even shave their eyebrows." Yep, that's right. Watch this movie.

Well, that's it for August folks. I am so ready for the end of summer and the fall weather to come. I require scarves!

Happy picture of the day: I got to hang out here the other day with a friend. He calls it Fern Gully. It's this great little garden area, tucked in the middle of one of the most dangerous neighborhoods in Sacramento. I absolutely loved it.

My iPod Is Psychic

I always joke about it. My iPod knows just what I need to hear. It doesn't happen all of the time, but sometimes it does, and it totally weirds me out.

The other morning I got to work and I felt HORRIBLE. I hadn't slept for shit, I had forgotten my coffee at home, I was too broke to buy a cup of coffee, and I pretty much wanted to stab everyone right in the face. So I put in my earbuds and proceeded to read documents. And by read documents I mean write blog entries.

The first song that played was Sister by Jawbreaker. It was a good peppy number to get my blood pumping. Then Come Back by Sally Seltmann, a nice slow one to settle me in. After that Wet Blanket by Metric. I love Emily Haines to bits. She is definitely one of my favorite female vocalists. Then came the kicker: Do You Wanna Touch Me by Joan Jett. I can not even begin to express how much I love this woman. I would totally make out with Joan Jett. Hard.

I guess I've had music on the brain lately hence all these music related posts. But sometimes I actually think my iPod is psychic dammit. I joke about it with my friend Patrick all of the time. He's a believer. He knows the phenomenon of which I speak.

One day when I was really sad my iPod played all bluesy, jazzy great stuff like Nina Simone, Anita O' Day, Billie Holiday, and Dinah Washington. Nothing else. Another time when I was angry it was all At The Gates, Meshuggah, Mastodon, and the Ramones. You feel me iPod? I know ya do!

I'm keeping this one short because that day up there I'm talking about in past tense, is actually right now. Just looking at the white screen is messing with this lovely migraine I'm starting to get. No more bloggy for Melanie today.

Except to go COMPLETELY off topic and say I just called a guy I don't like, "Shorty McAssface." I love that I'm so very mature.

Instead of a happy picture of the day, you should check out this video of my friend Patrick and his bandmate Greg, in their band The Freebadge Serenaders. They are performing Solitary Man, at a Neil Diamond tribute show. Good lord I love Neil Diamond. And we all know I love me some Patrick. Freebadge Serenaders - Solitary Man

Foreign Goals

Remembering back to childhood I never wanted the things other kids wanted when they grew up. I couldn't care less about getting married, having a family, and the like. Hell, I honestly never even had the end goal of cohabitation. I thought it would be nice to be in love. But my version of being in love was so different from that of everyone else. I remember when people said they wanted to marry a doctor or a lawyer, stating without hesitation, "I want to marry a mafia man! He can have his ladies on the side. I can have a nice house and free time to myself. And if anyone messes with me...they're freaking toast!" No, really. That was something I said as a child. Not so shocking.

For as long as I can remember, I have been made to feel like the way I see love is wrong. I have had no long term relationships that lasted longer than three years, and I'm okay with that. I don't think I fear intimacy, because I get out of situations that are no longer working for me. I am extremely close and share very personal things with those who are my partners, and even those who are my friends. I am in some ways far more intimate with my friends than a lot of people. We share really deep parts of who we are, and I enjoy that. I don't need to get married, or birth a baby, or live with someone, in order to feel that.

I know couples who are my age, who have been together since their teens. I think that is wondrous and awesome. That sort of connection is so hard to come by, so when it happens and I get to witness it, it's like seeing a comet. It's something I have always enjoyed. I like when people are happy and in love. In the poly world it's called compersion. It's the opposite of jealousy pretty much. I derive joy from seeing the people I care about, happy. I also get really sad when my friends are sad.

The act of loving someone unconditionally is something I've really only done with friends. I have been in love with several men, but all of those times we grew in separate directions. It got to a point where us being together no longer made sense. So we decided to go our separate ways, and I don't regret any of those decisions.

When I'm at home alone on my couch there is rarely a time when I wish someone was there with me. I stay plenty social and I am seeing someone who I get to see once a week. Right now, that is enough for me. I will probably get to a point where I would like to be with someone else a few times a week, and if and when that time comes, I'll make that my reality. For now, I'm totally content with the way things are.

I also have a huge friend network for the blue days when I absolutely NEED someone to talk to, or a hug, or a shoulder to cry on. That last one rarely happens, as I tend to cry all by my lonesome. Although that damn Patrick boy made me cry with him on Sunday. I got to go see him all laid up in bed recovering. He looks good, but has lost a bit of weight. We talked about really deep things. He told me I was a banner and someone he looked up to. This brush with death made him think too much. I could relate that having to lay around doing nothing, all you can do is let the mind wander. Sometimes thinking too much is a detriment to us. But with Patrick I think it was a good thing. An uncomfortable, yet a very good thing. I love that boy, and I'm glad I got to have that talk with him. Sometimes we'll go a year without seeing each other, but it doesn't matter. I feel just as close to him now as I ever have. Perhaps even closer.

My goals in life I can voice and be sure about. I always want to be learning and growing. I want to always have a thirst for knowledge. I want to always learn about the things I am ignorant about. I want to always be able to make someone laugh when they really need to smile. I want to always be a listening ear when someone needs to vent. I want to always be willing to do a silly dance or make an ass out of myself when someone is having a rough day. I want to always hand over some food or money when I have it to spare. I could go on and on and on. My goals are simple and varied. And they are making my life a pretty damn good place to live.

Happy picture of the day: one of the paintings my homo husband did. I know it's hard to find, but if you look really closely, there's a penis in there.

My Choices Aren't Judgment

I have two life choices I have made where there is slight judgment attached: not hanging out with people who are constantly tethered to their phone, and what I eat. The first one just seems so inconsiderate to me. When hanging out with other people, you should live in the moment and enjoy their company. You shouldn't be playing a turn of words with friends, or updating Facebook, or tweeting. I guess because I try and be really mindful and live in the now, I don't comprehend why people can't, and I don't want to comprehend. I think just because it is the norm for people to be out in a group, all with their cell phones in hand, doesn't mean I have to like it. And there are plenty of people you can hang out with who find it perfectly acceptable. But why go out at all if you're going to have your head down buried in phone stuff the whole time? Save money and stay the heck home! The food thing is just because I wish people would take better care of themselves. All of the processed, genetically modified, and food-like substances people are eating is making them sick. Everyone has the right to make themselves as sick as they want, but I think it's really irresponsible that companies make products that are so unhealthy, and then consumers care so little what goes in to their bodies that they don't research what these things are, and what they do. It's weird.

All of my other choices have zero judgment attached, yet as I have spoken about before, people get really defensive when I talk about them. My choice to never get married or give birth to kids is a huge one. The moment I mention it people start defending why they are married or have children. That's great. I have a lot of married friends and I love kids. I just choose not to join the ranks of the married, or the parents.

My choice to work out regularly and eat very portion controlled meals sends people in to a tailspin. I don't talk about it except on this blog. I don't bring up what I'm eating, or why I'm eating it, when hanging out with people. You will never hear me comment on someone else's food choices unless they ask me a specific question, or ask my opinion. I try to actually do this in all aspects of life: only offer opinion if it is asked for. Unwarranted and unsolicited advice is very self serving. It's something I'm constantly working on. I would appreciate it if others didn't have to constantly comment when I'm going out for my morning walk, or when I unpack my lunch things like, "Oh, you're so good!" It makes me want to punch them in the face instead of smiling and getting away from them as quickly as possible.

I know there are a lot of people in the world for whom their choices are a judgment call. They live in a certain neighborhood because they think neighborhoods like mine are the ghetto where their families wouldn't be safe. A lot of judgment is just born of ignorance. Ignorance is puzzling because in this day and age it's almost like you have to try REALLY HARD to not gain knowledge. I think it's actually harder to be stupid right now, than it ever was in history. So for people to choose not to try and learn and understand things, is baffling to me. I don't judge it, because I do know sometimes ignorance is bliss and not knowing leaves you in your safe little bubble, and sometimes it's hard to break out of that. I can't live that way.

I tend to need to avoid a lot of places and certain types of people so as not to send my anxiety in to overdrive. When I tell people, "Oh, I would never go there" it's not a judgment. If you go there, and you enjoy it, that's great. I can't either due to noise level, the type of clientele that frequents it, or other factors which cause me great stress. I don't need to like the places you like. It most certainly doesn't mean I judge you for going to them. Since I have chosen to reject medication to deal with my issues, I choose behavior modification instead. I have a lot of friends on meds and I think that's great if it helps. I just hate big pharm and I would like to not support them if I can avoid it. The fact that I was recently able to get off of all pain meds was HUGE for me. I am so much happier knowing I'm not supporting that kind of stuff. I have friends whom I know have no choice. I feel bad for them and wish they weren't in such pain.

The other day I sent a picture of me drinking a Pabst to Matt and he said, "I don't get Pabst." I responded, "You don't need to. You're not the one drinking it." It's really that simple folks. I don't have to love what you love. You don't have to understand why I avoid places in town and don't like them. All we have to do is have mutual respect for the people in our lives, and carry on peacefully. And maybe, just maybe, poke fun and playfully laugh at our friends who like Crocs (I have one of those...a croc wearing friend. It's hard).

Happy picture of the day: JD McPherson. Because he's my secret husband. And JD, next time you come over, can you go ahead and bring that lamp with you? I need it. Thanks.

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Thank You, Musicians

I know there are a lot of people who you want to slap right across the face because they're all, "Music is my life. Blah blah smackmerightinthemouthfucking blah." In all seriousness, there are times in my life when I can honestly say music saved my life. If it weren't for Nina Simone, I never would've made it through some of my stifling depression days back in my 20s, where turning to a bottle or a line of something white is where I went every time.

So I have to write this to say thank you to all the bands who got me through. The bands who literally made my mood swing one way or the other. The lyrics that got me so emotional I felt like I wanted to hug the lyricist. The hooks so catchy I couldn't drive down the road without outrageous car dancing the likes of which caused people in other cars to stare in stunned silence. The bands who made AP English easier because I could use their lyrics to write my definitions on the board (thanks Bad Religion). The bands who were so fucking amazing live that sitting on stage beneath them at Gilman completely changed my life (I'm talking to YOU Fugazi).

To the men like James Taylor who made me want to be a better person. To the bands like The Cure and The Smiths who made my high school years worth living. To the songwriters like Elliot Smith who I miss so damn much because talents like that shouldn't die so young. But pure genius makes you crazy, and craziness and depression make for a short life span. I know, 'cause I thought I'd never make it to 30, and I'm not even a musical genius. I miss you Ian Curtis. Thanks for Joy Division.

To Joe Jackson who constantly reminds me that It's Different For Girls, and to XTC whose song Dear God embodied my thoughts on atheism at the time. To Sisters of Mercy, Siouxsie Sioux, Bauhaus, and Front 242 for giving me stuff to dance to, and ladies to look up to when I was young. Exene, I have to thank you and Nina Hagen too. Thanks.

There are so many modern musicians who I rallied against for so long. Nothing new was good. So damn you to Jack White for making me get in to newer music and remind me about the new generation of wonderful and knowledgeable musicians out there. Were it not for you I wouldn't be loving on Sally Seltmann, The XX, Band of Horses, Birdy (15 year olds that can sing like that are from another planet for certain), Bon Iver, Ray LaMontagne...the list goes on and on.

So thanks to Talking Heads, T Rex, They Might Be Giants, Thurston Harris, JD McPherson, and the 1000s of other artists I'm forgetting. You seriously shaped my life and made me who I am. I could not have gotten through this life without you.

Happy picture of the day: Thanks ELO. I think people that don't love you must have bad hearing. Kind of like people who don't realize The Beach Boys, Pet Sounds album is the most brilliant thing ever.

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Random Thoughts

I just realized it had been a while since I'd done one of these. Here goes.

What kind of jackhole sells 5 ears of corn for 2 dollars? Don't they know my problem with odd numbers?

I can see your insecurities. We all have them, but some people's are so glaring I want to shake them and yell, "You're gonna need to get over that, man!"

Why am I wearing tights when it's gonna be 91 degrees today?

I can't stop singing, "I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller...." since I wrote the brawler post the other day.

My DVD player is playing things with a red tint, and my Wii isn't working at all. I am having severe movie watching withdrawal.

I can not wait until payday next Friday. I have had four dollars in my account for over a week, and having to walk by the farmer's market, without being able to just buy grapes, has been difficult. Maybe some day I'll learn to budget.

I have a girl date September 3rd, then a girl trip September 7th. One is in SF with one of the prettiest and most fun ladies I know, then at the end of the week I'm off for a weekend at the Santa Cruz house with three awesome gals. I lead a really rough life.

I also get to have a sleepover with my homo husband on Saturday. Love that man.

One of my bestestest friends whom I call the platonic love of my life is recovering from some surgeries to clear out an abscess from his rectum (it nearly killed him). Okay, I will be laughing for about a month because of that joke. But in all seriousness, could you all pray for him or send happy thoughts? He is the one who plays the washboard, and he needs to get healthy fast so we can all enjoy him upright and spry.

I have had a lot of people contact me about their friends dying this past week. You should not have had this many friends die by the age of 37.

I am going to my first poly meeting next weekend. I can't wait!

I need to go fishing (this will be the uber random one of the post).

I haven't been to my cabin in forever. After the New Orleans trip that is my first rule of business: group trip to the cabin.

I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller...god freaking dammit!

Happy picture of the day: my girlfriend brought this to me last Sunday. We were having a goodbye brunch, as she was leaving to start a new life in North Carolina. She was leaving a great job to go bartend and start over. I thought it so very brave and amazing. I will miss her. This is a telephone stand from the 30s or 40s. I have no phone, but it was so cute I just stuck it by my bed. It's not hoarding if it doesn't take up too much space. Shut up!

You Sir, Are An Asshole

I have a HUGE resentment for someone right now, so I need to write and get it out so it doesn't fester. This resentment is against someone whom I told to please not contact me for a while, because it was hindering my ability to move on in life, and it was hurting my feelings. I got a text from this person yesterday that was a link to a song. Some bullshit song about a man wanting a goth girl with a bunch of tattoos. I am guessing he thought it was a compliment or cute. What I think is it was rude and disrespectful.

I am so very, very hard on myself. When I got mad at him for playing with his phone while we were together, for a while I thought it was MY fault for being too picky. But I quickly realized that if you purposely do something, that you know someone doesn't like, you are a total dick. Then I get more angry with myself for thinking I was in the wrong for having standards of behavior for others. It is okay for me to expect certain things from people. It is okay if those people don't live up to them, for them to no longer be in my life.

I am having a really hard time not judging him for the things I look back on and see that were lies, that were half truths, and that were misrepresentations of who he really was. I am having a harder time not punishing myself for being too dumb to see these things, because I wanted to believe he was who he said he was. Right now I am really mad, and sad. I am writing this as a way of letting it all out in to the world, so I can let it go.

Yesterday someone brought him up in a text and tears welled up in my eyes. How could I have been so stupid? But I wasn't stupid. I was trusting. I was assuming that someone would be honest and forthcoming, the way that I am. I will continue to operate on that level. But I can't help but sometimes beat myself up when someone hurts my feelings. Like I somehow deserved it. Like if I'd have paid better attention it wouldn't have happened. But like I have said before: I would rather be hurt a million times than close off or not let new people in. I don't ever want to be jaded like I used to be. It's just that right now, in the middle of the hurt and the mourning, it's hard to think healthily about it.

So to Dave, who may be reading this, I am sorry you are not the Unicorn I thought you were. I am sorry that you have so little respect for me that you can't do something really simple and respect my wishes. I hope that you can learn to do these things for others and truly care about someone enough, to not be such a self serving and selfish fuck. 'Cause that's what these type of actions exude. Selfishness, entitlement, and "I will do whatever I want to do" attitudes aren't good for anyone involved. I hope that your daughters get to see daddy in a healthy relationship where he realizes his needs and wants don't always come first.

But also thanks. Thanks for breaking up with me because you couldn't do the distance. Who knows how long I would've continued to date you and not see these things which I don't care for, because I was blinded by the whole idea of a boyfriend who so freely complimented, and took care of me in many ways, while trashing me in others. I am really happy for that. You freed me and allowed me to move on and meet new people. Now, if you could just stop with the texts and sad attempts to remain in my life. Because you are ruining any chance we have of ever being friends in the future. I don't think you realize that. You're going to miss future friend Melanie, because she is rad.

Right this minute I'm mad, and I think you are a dick. I look forward to the times when I don't think this, because I just don't think of you at all. It would be helpful if you would do your part in allowing me to get there. But whether you do or not, I'll still get there. I'll just get there wanting nothing to do with you ever again, instead of perhaps being able to talk with you and share funny stories. That would be a much nicer option. But I'm okay if it's not the one I have to choose.

Oh, and bonus points to anyone who can email me and tell me how to change my comments so I can actually reply to comments individually. I can't seem to figure it out and it's driving me batty. What are bonus points good for, you ask? Well, maybe I'll give you a kiss or something. I don't care if you live far away. You will get a kiss eventually if you help me out with this. It may be an, "I finally made it to Ohio, here's your kiss" when I'm 80 and crusty, but it'll happen.

Happy picture of the day: Voltron. Why? Because Voltron is awesome.

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Comparison

Something someone said the other day got me thinking pretty heavily about comparisons. About the way in which some people will compare themselves to others and apply value judgments like "better" or "worse" to their comparisons. It made me realize how much I do not do this, and how I wish everyone else would stop doing it so much.

The sentence was, "I am wondering if I'm as good at _______ as __________." (I am quite sure he was joking, but it still made me think). Well, you are different from ________ at _________, that is almost for certain. The world is a place of varying types of people, and that is what makes it so great. I am more of a person to say something like, "I may not be as good at push ups as so and so, but I am a kickass cook." Everyone has different strengths and weaknesses, and that is totally okay.

We compare wines, and foods, and arms, and diets, and religions. When it starts to become dangerous is when we say a certain religion is better than another, or a certain type of body is better than another. I compare myself to people by saying, "Wow, she has great boobs. Sometimes I wish I had bigger boobs. But my boobs are small but mighty. They're pretty damn fantastic." And it's not arrogant, it's appreciation and self acceptance.

I know for certain that I will never lay in bed with the person I am intimate with and wonder if I am better or worse than their other lovers have been. I will know that I am different. I will know that the experience they have with me really can't, and shouldn't, be compared with that of others. I know that I think the best part about being intimate with someone new is the delightful little surprises, and the newness, and the wonder of exploring someone new. I know that I don't have insecurities about my body being less firm, or larger here, or softer there. I know that I am built different from any other woman on the planet. No one has the exact same body as mine. I like that fact.

It is totally fine to compare things. You can say this beer is more hoppy. You can say this wine is more fruity. You can say this leg is more muscly. You can say that hair is longer. You can say your car is larger than my car. What you shouldn't do is proclaim to know which is better. Now, you can totally proclaim to know which one you PREFER. I prefer a smaller car. I prefer a hoppier beer, unless it's hot then I want watery ass Pabst. I prefer a woodier wine. I prefer a man with a bulkier build. That doesn't mean I think all of the things that are NOT my preference are worse. I think I just do not prefer them.

I also try to take the words "good" and "bad" out of my vocabulary when describing foods. There are healthy foods, and not so healthy foods. There are foods I eat regularly, and foods I treat as treats. There are foods I couldn't live without every day, and foods that no one should eat every day. But there are no good or bad foods. There are only life sustaining foods, and health hindering foods. There are foods that taste good, and foods that nourish us. Luckily, some foods are both!

The attraction that I have to people and things is on a slightly different scale from what society is telling me my scale should be. I really like that. I like that I don't think I need to own a BMW, or a house in a fancy neighborhood, or 300 dollar shoes, in order to have things of value. I like that I don't judge those who have those things as worse than myself. They just value different things. And that's okay. What's not okay is if they look down their noses at those who do not value such things. These are the people who cause angry Melanie to come out. So I choose to avoid them for the most part.

I long for a world where healthy comparisons are made like, "I wish I could be as thoughtful as she is" or "I really think I would like to some day be as funny as he is." But you can be. You can be anything you want. It's okay to compare yourself to other people. It's okay to compare things to other things. It's not okay to think that yourself or your things are better, just because they are your preference. Variation is awesome. All different things and beings are great. Except for ants. You keep those motherfuckers away from my house.

Happy picture of the day: Chinese long beans. They are one of my latest food finds, and I am madly in love with them.

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The Way I Eat

As a creature of habit, it will come as no surprise that I eat very much the same things every single weekday. I find something that works for me, and I stick to it. I do not understand why people at work have to comment so much on the way that I eat. I don't wander around commenting on the lunch of others. Although I admittedly see the single men eating frozen burritos and want to make food for them. It's just how I am. Here is a peek in to my dietary life.

Breakfast: 8 oz. all natural vanilla yogurt with two teaspoons of flax seed. One cup of coffee with 3 tablespoons of Coffeemate Natural Bliss vanilla creamer.

10 a.m. snack: string cheese or a hardboiled egg.

Lunch: 2 oz. lunch meat, 2 oz. cheese, an apple. Or leftovers from dinner the night before.

3 p.m. snack: a handful of almonds, or string cheese, depending on what I had for morning snack.

Dinner: 4-6 oz. of animal protein, veggie, and maybe a starch. Usually I leave out the starch.

If I'm feeling frisky I have 4 oz. of ice cream or a bowl of granola for dessert.

Weekends I have a pastry one morning for breakfast, and eggs and bacon or something similar the other morning. The rest of my diet is the same on weekends as it is on weekdays. Although I usually tend to allow myself a hamburger, or Mexican food, or something else way over my usual calories on the weekend. I consider it my treat.

I walk at least 3 miles a day. I also work out beyond that four days. I do two days of cardio, and two days of weights. When I don't get to do this I feel sluggish. The last two weeks my routine has been off. I'm starting back up with it next week and I am looking forward to it.

I monitor everything I eat in a My Fitness Pal app. I tried not to do it for about 6 months. I operate far better when I do. It's part of my anxiety stuff and I stress way more when I don't do it. I don't necessarily think it's all that healthy, but it's part of who I am.

I have not lost any weight in the past few weeks, and I'm okay with that. I would like to drop some pounds, but it isn't necessarily a goal I care about. I'm eating healthy, and living healthy, and being happy. That is the most important thing to me.

For right now, life is good and I'm happy about my diet. I just got a huge lot of loot from the farmer's market so I'm fresh in peppers, Chinese long beans, corn, apples, eggplant, beets, and all kinds of other goodies that I love.

Happy picture of the day: Mitch Hedberg. He was one funny emm effer. I miss him.

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Exploration

There is something going on with my computer at both home and work where I can not comment on your blogs. Know that if you are on my list I am reading every day, I just haven't been able to comment. Something going on with Blogger and my computers. It is bugging me to no end.

I am going to say to you some words that I never thought I'd get to say, or type, in my whole life. I am seeing a married man. I am seeing a married man whose wife I met on Sunday. A wife who is seeing two other people besides her husband. My whole life I thought I was built for monogamy. I'm learning that this may not be the case.

I have always been very open minded and had the philosophy that you can't say you don't like something unless you've tried it. I thought for sure I couldn't delve in to this world of polyamory. But after talking to several men on the dating website I started getting curious. I wanted to learn as much about it as possible. How do people make it work? How do you happily and healthily have a relationship with more than one person? I am really excited about the whole thing to be honest.

So when I made the decision to go out with this man, the first thing I said was, "It is really important to me that I meet your wife. I want you two to come over." I wasn't sure if this was appropriate. I found out that it is. They are all about being completely open and honest. And it was important to her that she like the other people that he dates. And when it comes down to it, she has veto power. If he likes someone and she doesn't, she can tell him she doesn't want him to see her. She said there has never really been an instance where that happened, as he generally picks pretty decent ladies.

Within a half hour of hanging out with her and talking to her, I had totally fallen in love with her. This is a woman that I want as a friend. They brought over their baby boy and their interactions with him were the way that I think parenting should be. I fell in love with the baby too. But that's not hard to do with a super cute one year old who is exploring, and learning, and using one of my plastic orange sporks to try and eat a fried green tomato.

I have never had jealousy issues. To me, jealousy is worrying about something before it happens. You should worry about and deal with things as they actually happen. That's one of the things I didn't get about Dave. Why end a relationship now, over bad things that MIGHT happen in the future? There are no guarantees in life. So have fun now and worry about the stress, when and if it actually happens.

I still have so many questions, and I will learn as I go. I'm not uncomfortable. It didn't feel at all weird when in the middle of making out with this man, he got a text from his wife saying it was late and was everything okay. He answered yes. I told him to get home and tell her I was sorry I kept him so long. There is a part of me that is still freaked out by how not freaked out I am about the whole thing, and how natural it feels. I gave him a kiss goodbye on Sunday, in front of his wife. That will take a while to get used to.

For now, I'm going to go with it. I probably won't get to see him that much, and I'm totally fine with that. We have fun together. We have a ton to talk about. We laugh and have a good time. Our first kiss felt right, and not awkward. I look forward to learning more about this lifestyle, and getting to know some more of the folks in this community. I can't say for sure this isn't all about childlike wonder and inquisitiveness. Maybe a few months from now I'll realize I can't do it. But for now, I can. And it feels pretty amazing.

 Happy picture of the day: Galaga. I love this game.

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I Used To Be A Brawler

First of all, huge thanks to Reanna from Rock The Single Life for giving my name to Jesse over at DudeWrite. I was honored to get asked to write a post to represent some of the blogging dudettes out there. I also hadn't heard the word dudette since junior high, and it made me laugh. For that reason I figured I HAD to contribute. When I asked if there was a theme I was told no, but that I would be writing for a mainly male audience. So I chose a burly subject. It's hella manly. Warning: this post has rockin' ass chest hair. Not ASS chest hair. Ass CHEST hair. You know what I'm trying to say. And if you don't, you deserve to get socked in the ass chest.

I used to be a brawler, not a baller, but I kind of used to be that too. I am naturally, freakishly strong. I can lift ridiculous amounts of weight without even trying. It's not something I harnessed. It's something in my genetics. I wonder if I wasn't born with an overabundance of androgens, as I used to kick people's asses. I know that those of you who are regular readers know a bit of my past, but may find it hard to believe that peaceful, generally Zen-like Melanie, used to relish in beating people until something on their face or body was broken, but I did.

It all started when I was in grade school. I would watch kids getting picked on and I would get so angry I would punch whoever was doing the picking. I detested bullies. I didn't understand why someone needed to belittle someone who obviously couldn't defend themselves. I never picked a fight just to pick one, but I always ended up at least yelling at those who wouldn't leave the scrawny kids alone.

Moving on to junior high I came more in touch with my inner weirdness, and started getting better at skateboarding and was a pretty huge tomboy. I played soccer. I wore Cure t-shirts. I didn't care to do what the popular kids were doing. The ridicule started being aimed at me. That didn't last long. When you break a few noses, or knock kids out with one punch, the teasing begins to stop. It turns in to, "Yeah, leave that girl alone." I was fine with that. I was proud of it even.

In high school I started beating up nazi skinheads. It didn't matter if they were male or female. If I saw you in nazi skinhead garb I would just run up and start kicking the shit out of you. Unfortunately those people ran in packs so I generally ended up on the ground, with many boots kicking me in the face. I didn't care. It didn't even hurt me while it was happening. The next day was a whole 'nother story. I got a reputation around town. I was the girl who stood up for what she believed in. Even if it was in an ass backward way. People respected me. I liked it.

When I was 15 I had a boyfriend hit me. I weighed about 110 at the time. He uppercut me so hard that my feet left the ground. I just got up, looked at him and said, "You are going to regret you ever did that." He didn't look scared. He did look scared when I showed up the next day with two guys who held his arms, while I beat him with a sawed off bat. I yelled at him while I was hitting him, "You will never hit another female again, right? This is what women do when they don't want to put up with your bullshit abuse. Consider this a lesson."

I got the nickname Mafia, because I would never raise my voice when someone was acting crazy. I would just turn and say calmly, "You're acting out of line. You need to calm down." If they did, it was fine. If they talked back or acted up worse, I would just turn and beat them unconscious.

I am really glad that I got over this behavior, and was able to see how ridiculous and useless it was. The last two fights I was in I just threw my arms down and let the people beat me. One of those ended up with me having almost every bone in my face broken. I looked like Eric Stoltz in the movie Mask. But I was very proud of myself. I consider those the two hardest, and best fights, I was ever in. I hope to never fight again.

I see grown people fighting and I feel so sorry for them. I feel bad that they didn't do the inner searching and self realization to figure out why it is they are so damned angry. What is is about themselves they fear so much they need to act out? 'Cause that's what anger is. Anger is fear mutated in to something outwardly ugly. Pretty much all terrible behavior is fear based. I am grateful I know that now. I am grateful I can look at someone being ridiculous and just shake my head and hope they don't go through the rest of their life acting that way. People say I used to be a badass. But I say I am way more of a badass now, than I ever was then. It takes way more strength to try and understand and have compassion, than to throw a punch.

Happy picture of the day: this is my next tattoo. Pixelated just like this because I love Donkey Kong. It's going on my inner left forearm. On the other arm I'm getting a Tetris piece. Old school video games por vida!

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The Anti Ridiculous Person Society

It's my new club. Anyone can join, granted you aren't ridiculous in a bad way. If you are ridiculous in a good way, membership is free. If you are ridiculous in a bad way, the ridiculing is free, from those of us who are ridiculous in a good way. What? You aren't sure what ridiculous in a bad way is? Well, lucky for you I have a small list. It is totally a coincidence that these pertain to men on dating sites. Totally.

You might be ridiculous in a super bad not so good way if:

-You are willing to give up weekend time with your kids, to go on a date with me.

-You want me to meet your kids, way before it is apparent we will be together for a while and it's appropriate for me to meet your kids. Nothing says red flag like, "We just met. Hell yeah I want you to meet my offspring!"

-You have any pictures of yourself on a dating site, in a pirate outfit.

-You are shirtless taking a picture of yourself in the bathroom mirror.

-You are fully clothed taking pictures of yourself in the bathroom mirror.

-You hint around about "I'm going to be so bored this weekend. I have nothing to do" instead of just saying, "Would you like to go out this weekend?"

-You send a message with your number in the subject line, and the message is empty. And let's just go ahead and say I'm imagining this fuck has had luck with this approach before. So if you are any female who has responded to such a message, you are out of the damn club.

-You send a message with just a smiley face in it. :) You sir, are an asshole.

I should probably balance this out with people who are not ridiculous in a super bad not so good way:

-As our date is winding down, you tell me we should do this again. Then, the next day you send a text that says, "I had a lot of fun last night. Hope you did too."

-Your first message to me is, "I just looked at your profile and you seem like a dream." You win mountain man. You win.

-When I ask you out on a date you say you only have an hour and when I say, "Oh, we can totally do it next week then" you respond with, "No. You can totally predict kissability within an hour. Plus, you are going to see your ex the next day. I want you to be there the whole time thinking about the guy you just hung out with who's better than him." Confidence = win.

I pulled my profile down. I'm talking to three promising people. I was supposed to have a date with the one who is the very clear front runner. He had to cancel because something came up with his kids (a very good reason in my book). He raises highland cattle. He makes jokes about how he's more awesome than Dave. There is another who's really smart and sweet, with beautiful eyes. The third seems a lot younger, even though he's only a year younger. He's very funny and just got his Masters and is broke. I'm okay with that. I am having a good time. I am almost all dated out, but let's see where this all goes.

Happy picture of the day: We should all take pictures from here on out, with our eyes like this. Every child in the world would have constant nightmares, therefore fueling the world of evil to take over. We would then have to live off of a diet consisting solely of McDonald's Big Macs, and Jack In The Box tacos. Oh, it would be glorious indeed.

On The Seventeen-Hundredth Day, Melanie Rested

I am currently chatting with three very kind men on the dating site. I've been out with two of them, and the other I have a coffee date with tonight. And I am in no way interested in meeting anyone else. This shit is exhausting, yo! Don't blame me for that last sentence. I was up far too late on a date last night, which I now realize I can not do on a work night. Insomnia because you can't get to sleep is way less tiring than staying up flirting with a cute fellow, I have learned.

I honestly have no idea if I'll end up with any of them, or if I even REALLY like any of them. All I know is I enjoy the company of the two, and I adore communicating with the other. He is really the one I get all giddy about. He raises cattle. He has a beard. He listens to Fugazi. He reads books that I have a hard time getting through. All of these things make me very interested. I get all butterfly tummied when we type messages to each other.

I am tired. So very, very tired, of dating. So I'm just going to ride this out. If I end up with someone, great. If I don't, great. All I know is once I follow these interactions through to their natural end, I am taking a break. I have not gotten enough time to myself lately. I have not gotten to exercise as much as I need to. I don't wake up early and start my day off right. I sleep in as long as possible before I have to get ready for work. This is not a good way for me to live. So I'm going to back off and relax a little.

I will continue to hang out with these people, and politely tell others I'm not in the mood to meet anyone new. I need to get back to my routines. I need to get back to the things that power my life and keep me whole. I need to do what it takes to keep my chin up and not feel exhausted all of the time.

I am going to Dave's Thursday night, which may in fact be a mistake. I'm going to go to dinner, snuggle, have fun, and then leave while politely telling him to not contact me again. I need to detach. I can not continue to text and talk with him. It's not fair to the new guys, and it most certainly isn't fair to me. Telling me you don't want to be with me, and then telling me, "I am jealous of the time that other people get to spend with you" is not okay with me. So maybe we can be friends somewhere down the line, but we most certainly can not do so now. So goodbye for now sweet Unicorn. Perhaps our paths will cross again.

I look forward to decompressing and having more me time. Not searching for new people I might have stuff in common with. Not waiting for someone to respond to a message with baited breath. I need some rest. It has been far too long since I've felt like I really had any. I have a girl weekend coming up. Four of us are going to the Santa Cruz house. I have been focusing on it like mad as I know it will be a wonderful time. I can not wait.

Happy picture of the day: Love.

Thanks For The Reminder

I talked at length to someone yesterday who reminded me of me, when I thought I had everything figured out. When I operated under the assumption that my way was the proper way to live, and anyone living differently was an idiot. When I thought the best way to make change was to protest, and yell, and have anger inducing discussions and debates over politics, religion, and the like.

I could see his frustration. I could tell from what he was saying he was not happy. He was at odds with the world. He was Melanie of times past. It was like a surreal remake of A Christmas Carol. I was seeing what this person was writing (the conversation was via text) and it was telling me all of the ways in which I needed to NOT live.

I just kept responding with hopeful things, and positive things. Letting him know that there are ways to change things, just by being such a good person that others see how you live and think, "I want that. She seems to be getting it right. I should find out what's going on there." There is no reason to try and tell someone why they are wrong. Getting in to a discussion with someone trying to prove why what you think, works better, rarely ends well. It usually ends up in frustration and no resolution. It makes no sense to me to operate that way.

I am glad that I had this conversation because I like the reminder that I never want to be the kind of person who has to stand on a soap box, and explain to everyone why they should live like I do. I really like living the way I do. And I really like that others find peace living in completely different ways. I like that I don't have to prove why what I'm doing makes sense, because I just know in my gut it does.

I like that I met someone yesterday who lives an "alternative" lifestyle that I do not understand. Someone who is married, and also has a girlfriend. Whose wife has two boyfriends outside the marriage. They are completely honest and open with each other about it. I am meeting the wife on Saturday so I can get the female perspective of why that life works for her. I am fascinated and am excited to learn something new. I do not think the way they choose to live or love is wrong, just because it is not a way I can imagine living and loving. I am full of wonder and really excited that I am open to finding out why these people are polyamorous, and how they make it work.

I am glad that my mind is open and that I am able to accept all different types of people in my life. That I want to understand the things which don't make sense to me. That I don't get angry because someone says something I disagree with. When someone says something racist, or homophobic, I can make one small statement telling them how sad it makes me that they feel that way. Or if I'm in a mood I can smite and belittle them (let's be truthful. I'm not always the bigger person). But I'm glad that I have found peace for the most part, in a world where I see so many people who are at odds with so many things. I like being even. Which is something to behold from a woman whose brain is so uneven at times she wants to hold her head and scream.

Happy picture of the day: I used to have this hair when I was little. Thanks a ton mom.

My Life As An Open Book

I am pretty honest and open about all aspects of my life and personality. I have found that for me, it is far better to just let it all out than to try and keep secrets. Secrets fester and turn in to shame. Shame makes you act in ways that end up hurting yourself and others. So I try and just put it all out there and not worry about it.

I recently put the link to this blog in my dating profile. I figured that would weed out the faint of heart, but also it would make it so people could get a better idea of who I am, than what you can put in one of those things. That way no one has to waste their time pursuing me, if the stuff on here is too much. I have had people get weirded out that I would be so open. That's another weeding out process as far as I'm concerned. I am not interested in being friends or otherwise with anyone who doesn't accept 100% of who I am as a person. I like myself, and I have nothing to hide.

Now, I understand why some are private and reserved, and I totally respect that. That is just not the way I want to be. Part of my growing and learning is that I have come to know I have to be all Melanie all the time, in order to not feel ashamed of certain aspects of my personality. I don't want to hold back. I don't believe in luring someone in by being the "best" me I can be. To me, that seems false, and I refuse to do it. So you get to know my good and bad points right from the beginning. Yes, you hold back a little. It's self preservation. But I have met a ton of people who I thought were one way, then three months later you learn they are not. I would rather not do that to someone else.

So usually within the first few minutes of having a conversation with someone I talk about my anxiety stuff. I talk about the way I eat and how important it is to me. I share things that are a little more personal than most people would share with someone right off. I don't overshare. I don't get in to strange detail about things. That is for my real friends. The people who I know are going to be around a while. I know boundaries. I know what not to say so that I am opened up to someone being rude or hurting me. I am not afraid of that, it's just that no one deserves that power right up front.

Of all the things I have hoped for in life, I have achieved the biggest one, being myself. Not being ashamed of who I am and what I do. Loving myself exactly for who I am. Not belittling myself or thinking I'm less than because I'm chubby, and strange, and more than a little out there. I am embracing myself for the first time in a long time, and it feels amazing. Not to say I don't have those self doubting, and self loathing days. I do, but they're not as bad as they used to be. That in itself is a small miracle.

So to anyone out there who is still ashamed of some of their behaviors, or still in fear of what people will say when they learn about your "stuff" I encourage you to let your freak flag fly. Be the only you, you know how to be. Work on the stuff that you feel you need to work on, and embrace the things that make you unique and set you apart. Love yourself more than you ever though you could. You owe it to yourself.

Happy picture of the day: Molly looking flat. I love when she lays like this near me on the couch.

MacQue's BBQ

I rarely do single restaurant features but I visited this place on Wednesday for lunch and I thought I needed to give it a shout out. I joined a friend of mine. She owns what is probably the most popular bakery in Sacramento. Someone had told her to go to this place so when she invited me I said, "Heck yes!" We had a great meal and got to talk to the owner at length.

MacQue's is a no nonsense bbq joint with a simple menu. He does ribs, brisket, chicken, hot links, pull pork, and the like. The sides are all down home too: mac and cheese, greens, rolls, and muffins. It is located in an industrial part of South Sacramento in a non-descript strip warehouse area that we almost missed. But good lord almighty am I glad we didn't. We shared a half slab of pork ribs, a beef brisket sandwich, mac and cheese, and greens. It was finger lickin' good. Seriously, best ribs I've had in a very long time. I don't eat bbq often, but every few months when I decide to, I'm going back to MacQue's.

The owner was talking about how lately they've seen a 20% decline in business. He has lived in town for over 45 years, and has had the business for about 26. It's the places like these that I want to get everyone out supporting. So many people won't leave the "grid" to support real family owned amazing joints like MacQue's. We need to fix this.

He has quite an extensive knowledge about the food scene in the area. We talked about some our favorite old places that are declining or closing as the kids of the original owners let the places go to pot. He himself encouraged his son to get an education, so now his son doesn't want to come back and work the 16 hour days it takes to run a successful restaurant. I thought that was a shame. I encouraged him to find someone who loved the place who he could train to take over. It would be a cryin' ass shame to see this place go away. So many of my favorite small places have been going the way of the dinosaur lately.

So if you live in the Sacramento area, or if you are planning a visit, stop by MacQue's. Tell him the lady who was fond of Zelda's, and Palermo who came with Marlene sent ya. You will not be disappointed.

I was excited to hear that even though the restaurant business is going down, his bbq sauce line is doing awesome. It's good sauce. Here is a link to their site where pretty soon you can order the sauce online: MacQue's BBQ

It is really important to me that we keep places like this doing well and support the folks who have been feeding people for decades around town. Please support MacQue's. Not like after you see a picture like the one below, you really need my convincing.

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Boundary Testing

For most of my sobriety I was fully convinced I was an alcoholic. I was convinced that what everyone told me was true: I could never drink again. I had a disease. If I picked up a drink I would have twenty and be right back where I was on March 14, 2009. Well, good old Melanie isn't one to swallow dogma so she is testing her boundaries.

A little over a month ago I decided to have a cocktail while at a tiki bar in Alameda. I had one, and it was delicious. I didn't want more. It was weird. I was conflicted. I had been thinking in my head for quite some time before I even took that first drink, "I am going to try it. And if it makes me want to get wasted, I'll just know AA was right."

We went to a dive bar a week or so later and I had a cocktail, and then a beer. I strangely enough didn't want to close the bar down or drink shots. I wondered in my head if I was just fooling myself. This is how normal people drink. This is not how Melanie drinks.

I've been out and had cocktails a few times since. I've had a glass of wine with dinner on several occasions. I've had a glass of wine while watching trash tv.

I can not say with certainty that I won't progress in to having a problem again. It was beaten in to my head pretty hard that once you are a problem drinker, that is your lot in life. I believed it for quite some time. Then I stopped believing it as I saw women with many years sober who were still really bitter, and unhappy people. I believe that if you really look inward and handle your shit, and develop coping mechanisms you lacked when you were drinking excessively, it is highly likely you can enjoy a cocktail like a normal human being. I'm not saying everyone can, I'm just saying I bet some people can. Maybe I'm not one of them. That remains to be seen.

I know myself well enough, and I'm self aware enough to know if I ever get to a point where I want a shot of whiskey or I want to get obliterated, I need to figure out why before I act on it. I don't think at my age it is appropriate to get "wasted." If you do, that's fine and dandy, I'm just not interested. I spent half of the week every week of my life wasted, for years. I am in no way interested in drinking like that anymore.

So in the interest of being honest I wanted to put it out there. Not talking about it almost felt like a lie. Not that I owe it to anyone to explain my life choices. But for now, this is what I'm doing. I'm enjoying doing it. It isn't scaring me. I haven't gotten drunk and I have no desire to. I hope it stays that way. I like granny drinks like a vodka collins or a whiskey sour. I really hope that in my journey to become the best Melanie I can be, I have made it to the point where I can enjoy an adult beverage, and not have to use them to escape or not deal with my life.

Happy picture of the day: my new coffee table book. It's nifty!

I Am Different

I am reminded by others on almost a daily basis how truly different I operate from most people. For many years, I thought the way I operated was wrong. I thought that surely, since most people were not like me, I should be ashamed and try to acclimate and make myself more palpable to the masses. Once I realized that was not even a possibility, I went in to a shame spiral. A spiral I very recently came out of, and one I struggle daily to acknowledge I don't need to go back to.

Most people need constant reassurance they are doing something right. I would just like a reminder every now and again that I am appreciated. Since I grew up in a household full of negative reinforcement, it is one of the things that to this day sends me in to a tailspin. I am thankful to all of you blog ladies who let me know I make a difference in your life. I appreciate it more than you could ever know. If I could get you all in one room I would cry and give you all big hugs and tell you you're amazing. Since I can't do that I'll just do so here.

I want everyone to feel accomplished. I want to search for a solution when there's a problem. I want people to go home and be happy that what they have done that day was good. I feel like most people act as if they want the opposite. Most people want to belittle. Most want to try and exert force and dominance over others. They don't realize that this is really cowardice, and not the strength they feel like it is.

I am a powerful woman. For many years I was made to feel like I should not be. Like I should quiet my voice so my tone didn't offend others. Like I should dress in a more feminine way because then I would not be viewed as such a challenge. There are days when someone says one thing and I am shot right back to little girl Melanie who feels very small. I have to go for a walking meditation and remember that I am not her. I am a good person. I am okay just the way I am. No one should be able to make me feel less than.

I very much resent the people who talk down to me and others. I take it personally when someone bullies someone who can not defend themselves. I sometimes can not hold my tongue when I see someone being treated unfairly. Even though I know it is not my job to right all of the wrongs, I know for a fact that I will ALWAYS try and right some of them. I have to try. Even if I fail every time.

So today I know that I am different. I do not need to see something being done incorrectly and say, "You're doing it wrong!" I do not need to prove that I knew a fact that someone did not. I use these things as both a teaching, but also a learning moment. I need to practice humility. I need to realize that I am lucky to have knowledge that some others do not. There is no winner in the game of life. I hope I never forget this. And I hope and pray that everyone can get to a point where they like themselves enough to want to build others up, rather than tear them down. Because as tough as I am, today they are trying to tear me down. And I cried a little, and I got angry more than a little, and then I remembered I am the master of my feelings. I refuse to let anyone make me feel less than.

Happy picture of the day: this is Roxy resting on the pinball game. I love when she rests like this with one paw under her face. It makes her have a strange human quality. Every time I see her like this, I fall in love with her a little bit more.

Getting My Mind Off Of Stuff

I've gotten pretty good at cheering myself up rather quickly. The blue days are few and far between, and the ones I can't kick and have to ride out are REALLY few and far between. By the time I posted my post yesterday (which I had written Sunday) I no longer felt that way, and I was back in hopeful awesome girl mode.

This is my dilemna with the blog. I often write things that are totally how I feel at that moment, and then by the time they go up things have completely changed. It's nice but I'm sure it's also quite confusing. I am just a god damned rainbow wrapped in a ball of sunshine. What can I say?

I am back to being excited about life and all of the opportunities it has to offer. I am going to have a lot of girl nights, and a few more dates, and maybe I'll meet someone awesome. Maybe I won't. Either way it really doesn't matter. What matters is all of the good stuff. So here are all the things in short order I'm grateful for today.

-I got to see my friend Patrick on Sunday and give him a huge hug. He told me it was good to see me and that he missed me. We live close but we're both super busy so this is the first Patrick hug I've gotten in about a year.

-I got to go out with my friend Raylynn who just got back in to town on Saturday. We hung out at a biker bar and laughed and had so much fun. I really needed that.

-I am broke right now, but it's because I'm penny pinching to save up for a trip to New Orleans. I am blessed enough that I get to go to New Orleans. A trip my mom completely footed the bill for with money she got from my gma passing. I am trying not to focus on how this will be my first birthday without gram. The first one where I can't call her and tell her what color Fiestaware set I need for my birthday. I am grateful I get to stay in a fancy hotel on her dime. I usually stay at cheap places. So thanks gram. You're still being awesome from the beyond.

-I have kitties I adore, who no matter what I do tend to find something to tear up. I am thankful I can laugh it off instead of getting so frustrated I want to get rid of them.

-I have awesome hair. No seriously, my hair deserves to be on this list.

-I got some new books on Sunday. One on 50s design, one biography of Charles Bukowski, and one erotic cookbook I got as a joke to put on my coffee table. I laughed so hard at the recipes and pictures in the book I had to have it. I couldn't pass it up. It's ri dick ulous.

-The weather is badass in my part of the world right now.

-My friend brought me hecka loot from her garden on Friday. I have all kinds of tomatoes, sunburst squash, green onions, eight ball squash, and some other stuff. I am gonna gobble up some purple or blue tomatoes tonight with my salmon.

-Today I am hopeful about life. I like that I'm so cheery and I don't mind that it annoys the crotchedy folk.

-I am spreading the word about getting a new job, because my boss said something Friday that made me really want to lash out, but I didn't. Today I am grateful that I can hold my tongue.

That's about it for me today. I'm just really happy that the sad day is over and that I get to wake up and start over all the time. I like do overs.

Happy picture of the day: all of the awesome veggies my friend brought me. Beautiful!

Today, I Am Thinking Too Much

So I had a date yesterday with a sweet, kind, cute fellow. But he lives two hours away and has his daughters every weekend, so there's no way in hell it would work out. I guess I should start asking about people's custody arrangements before I agree to meet them. Because it just makes it really hard when you meet someone you like, and know that feasibly there's no way you can make anything of it. When he left I had dinner and was fine, then an hour later I was sitting and crying, wondering why I am doing this.

I am a lot more sensitive than I'd care to admit. I care deeply and empathetically. I get hurt and I don't bounce back as quickly as I'd like to. I am still stinging from the break up with Dave. I am still a little destroyed that I finally got to spend time with someone I truly liked, only to have it ripped away so briskly. It's like someone dangled a carrot, or something far more tasty, then ripped it away laughing like, "Nope, Melanie. You can't be happy. This just isn't for you." And it hurts. It hurts so fucking bad that I just want it to go away. Right now, right this moment, I'm more than a touch devastated.

I know that Dave is not right for me and it's not even that I want him back or wish it would've worked out. And it's not that I don't cherish when I'm single. I'm good single. But once, just once, I wish I could meet someone and it just WORKS OUT RIGHT. Why does everything in my life have to be so damned complicated? I simplify, and downsize, and meditate, and life just stays so very complicated and confusing.

So just for this moment, I crave something to just fall in to place. I know that my fortitude and strength were forged from struggle. I know these ups and downs, and trials make me strong and make me who I am. But sometimes, just for once, I wish that something good would happen with little to no effort on my part. Like it seems to happen for so many other people. I often wonder why I was put on this earth just to go through pain and strife time and time again. But I'd honestly rather put myself out there and get hurt over and over and over, than put up walls or give up.

But today, just for this moment, I am surrendering. I have another date on Friday, then I'm going to step back and have some real time for me. I am going to remember what life was like when I didn't so desperately want to be in love. When being single was fun and carefree and I could just go out with my friends and the subject of men didn't even come up. I need to go back there for a while I think.

I am going to keep my profile up but I am not going to make any effort to contact new people. I will continue to talk with the people I am, and I will respond to new contacts, but that's all the energy I have in me right now. I am not defeated, but I am a little deflated. I need a me break. I need to concentrate on getting back to carefree and awesome Melanie. I'm not her right now. I need her back tremendously.

This post has been brought to you by the folks of the emo Melanie corporation. They will be going out of business quickly, we hope.

Happy picture of the day: My new hair. You can't see the woven purple in my bangs and sides, but I adore it. It is one hell of a sassy 'do.

Sunshine Blogger Award

Thanks to Roe over at My Upside Down Life for awarding me the sunshine blogger award. I am honored and feel so loved every time I get one of these little dandies. As usual I will break every rule except linking back to her, and answering the questions. You all know if I follow your blogs, I think you're amazing and wonderful.

The Rules:
1. Include award logo in a post or on your blog page.
2. Answer (10) questions about yourself (oh God, not again!!!).
3. Nominate 10-12 other fabulous bloggers.
4. Link your nominees to the post and comment on their blog, letting them know about the award.
5. Share the love and link the person who nominated you.

Ten Questions and Answers:
1. What would you most like to change about yourself?
I would like a new job, and new shorter hair. I'm working on the first, and the second will be accomplished this Saturday at noon.

2. What is your theme song?
Don't hate me because I'm Joe Esposito-ful. You're The Best. (I don't know why the underline in that link won't show, but if you click on the words "You're The Best" you're in for a treat).

3. One part of your life, a memory, action, etc. that you wish you could surgically remove from your brain?
I know this is a really hippie thing to say, but nothing. Everything that happened to me brought me to where I am today. I've suffered a lot, seen a lot of friends die, and been through shit most people would like to forget. But I don't ever want to forget lest I sink back in to old terrible behavior.

4. What generation do you wish you had been a part of?
That is really easy: the 50s and 60s. The music, the design, all of it. I would like to at least like to go back and visit. But the role of women back then wouldn't have set too keen in my life. So I don't think I'd want to be a real part of that time in history.

5. What was your favorite childhood toy?
My talking Alf doll. Thinking back he said really inappropriate shit they wouldn't get away with a doll saying nowadays. I wish I still had it.

6. What is your favorite housecleaning chore?
Doing dishes, and vacuuming.

7. Do you Twitter?
Nope. I don't tweet. I rarely twat. But sometimes I'm a twit.

8. Any goals?
Get a promotion within the next year. Get some work done on my yards so I have actual live grass. Put in a backyard pizza oven and a one lane lap pool.

9. Do you really drink margaritas all the time?
Are there people who drink margaritas all the time? I want to hang out with them. Especially if they put umbrellas in them.

10. *This question was missing from the blog site that gave me the Sunshine Award, so I'm just going to make up one of my own.* ( I'm going to go with the same question here )
What is one historical figure you'd like to hang out with for the day?
Why did I give myself such a hard question? There are a ton. But I'd have to say Molly Ivins. Her sharp wit is so impressive, and I actually cried the day she died. Huge loss for the world.

July Movies

I watched a ton and actually saw quite a few I really liked. Here is a short list of a few I would recommend.

My Week With Marilyn - A lot of people claimed this movie was boring. But I love history pieces and I'm fascinated with her life, so I was enthralled. I thought it was very well acted and a great movie.

Faubourg Treme - Great documentary about the Treme neighborhood of New Orleans. Very interesting historical facts. I learned a lot, and it got me even more excited about my upcoming trip.

L'Amour Fou - A documentary about the relationship between fashion designer Yves Saint-Laurent and his lover, Pierre Berge. A touching documentary and a great peep in to the life of one of my favorite designers.

Lost In Translation - Watched this again for the first time in years. I forgot how touching of a story it was. I adore Bill Murray so that helps as well.

Vito - A documentary about gay rights activist Vito Russo. A really great delving look in to the problems faced trying to unite the gay community so that they all stood up together instead of being divided amongst the drag queens, transgendered, lesbians, and gay men. Really thought provoking and a great watch.

Boy A - A fantastic movie about a boy who murdered a child, when he was a child, and his attempt at a second chance. Really makes you feel like some people do deserve one, even if society doesn't believe so. At what point is a childhood mistake and something done irrationally, something someone can rehabilitate from?

Jeff, Who Lives At Home - I think Jason Segel is really underrated. This is a great film about a seemingly directionless pothead loser, who literally lives in his mother's basement. Great subplots with Susan Sarandon who plays his mother, and Ed Helms who plays his brother. Actually, the brother one is really part of the main plot. Often times cute, and makes you really uncomfortable at others. I loved this movie.

So there we go kids. Those are the movies I would recommend you see if you haven't yet, that I watched in July.