This will probably be the hardest blog entry I ever write. Mostly because I have been diagnosed with several “disorders” that I spent many years thinking if I were just smart enough, good enough, or kind enough, I could defeat. That is about the dumbest thing anyone could ever think. So let’s put it out there that I have ADHD, OCD, and Bi-Polar Disorder. Today I’m going to focus on that funny little middle guy, who has made my life oh so interesting.
When I was younger I never noticed that I did things that were different or strange, until they were pointed out to me. When I made a collage at age 11 on my closet door one of my sisters stated, “Oh wow! Everything isn’t at right angles and they’re overlapping. That must have been hard for you.” That was one of the first times I noticed that I did things differently from most kids.
So to keep it short and sweet, here’s a list of things I used to do, that I don’t anymore:
Eat my M&M’s from lightest to darkest. In fact, when I was watching As Good As It Gets and the Jack Nicholson character had all his M&M’s separated by colors in jars in his apartment, I may be the only person who noticed.
Not eat any food that was touching on my plate. I just couldn’t. The only thing I could eat touching was when I mixed my corn with my mashed potatoes and gravy. Everything else had to be in its own place.
Iron EVERYTHING. If it was going on my body, it had to be ironed. Yes, I ironed underwear and socks.
Here are things I still do:
Write down everything I eat at least 5 days a week to make sure I do not go over 1600 calories.
Keep everything in my house in very particular order. Everything has its place.
Vacuum, dust, mop, sweep, and do the bathrooms every Sunday. If I don’t I feel like the house is unlivable and can’t relax.
Do all dishes before I go to bed. I have gone to bed twice with dishes in the sink in the 15 months I have owned my home, but I was so stressed out those nights of sleep sucked, so it’s not worth it to not just do the dishes before I go to bed.
Put away all dishes from the night before, before I go to work.
Sand my feet with a Black and Decker mouse sander. I know it sounds harsh, but it works like a charm and I can’t stand having rough feet.
Use three different types of face moisturizer, two different types of foot moisturizer, and make my own sugar scrubs for my face. I can’t stand dry skin. It grosses me out. I also have two moisturizers I use only for my body parts other than my feet and face, and special salves for my elbows and knees.
Watch like a hawk when I have people over. I have to make sure they aren’t spilling something that will stain on my carpet or tables.
Need complete control of my kitchen. Of all the things I do, I know the one that I do very well is cook. I am working on this one with the boyfriend, but it’s slow going. I don’t like people using my knives, or cooking things in there.
Wipe down all surfaces in my house with Clorox wipes twice a month.
Cut up all meat before taking a bite. I can not eat anything until I have cut it all in to bite sizes pieces. I know this is bad etiquette but compulsion wins over etiquette where this is concerned.
That’s pretty much all I can think of right now. I am putting myself in situations like places that are crowded to try and get over some of my anxieties. I have only had one panic attack in the last year, and slowly but surely things are progressing. I know I can’t beat this stuff, but I can make it manageable so it doesn’t control my whole life.
In order to lighten things up here at the end, I am able to make jokes about my crazy and take it in stride. I know that I drank and did drugs to slow my monkey brain, and not have to be so much in control of my surroundings. Now I’m learning to do that without that crap, and it’s pretty awesome. My main goal is to not use these things as an excuse for why I can't accomplish whatever I want to in life. I honestly didn't think I would live to 30. So the fact that I'm 37, own my own home, and have a respectable job are all miracles. Ones I will not take for granted or allow little brain misfires to jeopardize.
Happy picture of my living room. This is how this room always looks. Except when I’m laying on the couch with a blanket over me. But every morning before work that blanket gets folded and put back in the closet where it belongs. Even though I live alone, I can’t leave that blanket out on the couch. Dammit, I guess that should go on the list of things I still do.