I was having a great day with my girlfriend Ally watching Audrey movies and other strange stuff. We had spaghetti with my dad's gravy. His sauce is the best I've ever had. We talked about our relationships, and some stuff our friends are going through. It was a lovely and relaxing day. Then Ally left.
I started freaking out about an appreciation dinner I had agreed to attend. I wasn't going to know anyone there. I started sweating. Sweating turned in to throwing up and my head feeling like it was in a vice. I ironed the dress I was going to wear and tried to power through it. I got in to the shower and cried. I got out of the shower and Rich called. I asked, "How mad are you going to be if we don't go to this dinner?" He said not mad at all. I emailed to let them know I wouldn't be going, at the last minute, something I HATE to do. But I did it. Everything inside me knew this was the best choice.
Anxiety won this round. I couldn't go to this get together. I had a panic attack for the first time in a long time, and no amount of breathing and meditating could conquer it. I was defeated.
Sometimes I actually think I need these little reminders that I am human. I am not all powerful and I am sick. I can function to a degree but there are things that are going to be with me forever, things that make my life a more difficult place to navigate through. And you know what? That's okay. If I can get through them without beating myself up so much, and just keep my chin up and carry on, then I'm going to make it out the other side okay, just like I always have. I am a strong woman, and these things which seem crippling at times, are only temporary.
Today I got up, brushed myself off, and am ready to clean the house and watch some movies. I am then going to drive up to see a friend in Auburn. We're going to find little diners and biker bars. We are going to have an awesome night.
Last night turned out great too. I have a boyfriend who goes with the flow when I have to change plans. He took me out and treated me to a lovely dinner at one of my favorite little cafes in town. He is a supportive guy, and I'm so happy I have him.
Happy picture of the day: a guy up about 50 feet in the tree in my back yard. After 1450 bucks, all of my trees are healthy and good to go for another five years. I can breathe a lot easier knowing that they are taken care of, and will shade my house for years to come. I prayed for that man in the tree. I got nervous just seeing them up there.