So I had a date yesterday with a sweet, kind, cute fellow. But he lives two hours away and has his daughters every weekend, so there's no way in hell it would work out. I guess I should start asking about people's custody arrangements before I agree to meet them. Because it just makes it really hard when you meet someone you like, and know that feasibly there's no way you can make anything of it. When he left I had dinner and was fine, then an hour later I was sitting and crying, wondering why I am doing this.
I am a lot more sensitive than I'd care to admit. I care deeply and empathetically. I get hurt and I don't bounce back as quickly as I'd like to. I am still stinging from the break up with Dave. I am still a little destroyed that I finally got to spend time with someone I truly liked, only to have it ripped away so briskly. It's like someone dangled a carrot, or something far more tasty, then ripped it away laughing like, "Nope, Melanie. You can't be happy. This just isn't for you." And it hurts. It hurts so fucking bad that I just want it to go away. Right now, right this moment, I'm more than a touch devastated.
I know that Dave is not right for me and it's not even that I want him back or wish it would've worked out. And it's not that I don't cherish when I'm single. I'm good single. But once, just once, I wish I could meet someone and it just WORKS OUT RIGHT. Why does everything in my life have to be so damned complicated? I simplify, and downsize, and meditate, and life just stays so very complicated and confusing.
So just for this moment, I crave something to just fall in to place. I know that my fortitude and strength were forged from struggle. I know these ups and downs, and trials make me strong and make me who I am. But sometimes, just for once, I wish that something good would happen with little to no effort on my part. Like it seems to happen for so many other people. I often wonder why I was put on this earth just to go through pain and strife time and time again. But I'd honestly rather put myself out there and get hurt over and over and over, than put up walls or give up.
But today, just for this moment, I am surrendering. I have another date on Friday, then I'm going to step back and have some real time for me. I am going to remember what life was like when I didn't so desperately want to be in love. When being single was fun and carefree and I could just go out with my friends and the subject of men didn't even come up. I need to go back there for a while I think.
I am going to keep my profile up but I am not going to make any effort to contact new people. I will continue to talk with the people I am, and I will respond to new contacts, but that's all the energy I have in me right now. I am not defeated, but I am a little deflated. I need a me break. I need to concentrate on getting back to carefree and awesome Melanie. I'm not her right now. I need her back tremendously.
This post has been brought to you by the folks of the emo Melanie corporation. They will be going out of business quickly, we hope.
Happy picture of the day: My new hair. You can't see the woven purple in my bangs and sides, but I adore it. It is one hell of a sassy 'do.