The last movie on my list for December, Take This Waltz, really got me to thinking. In the movie, the lead female character is married to this wonderful man. She is quirky and strange, and they play weird games I thought only I did with my significant others. It was a relationship I could relate to. She was a character I could relate to. Then she meets and falls in love with another man, and although she doesn't physically cheat with him, there is definitely some infidelity to her husband just because of the feelings and interactions with this other man.
All I could think while watching it was, "I'm glad I never have to feel that way again. I never have to hurt someone by leaving them simply so I can have someone else I'm in love with. I can be with both." A feeling of enormous gratitude washed over me. I remember being in monogamous relationships. One in particular I was SO in love with the man. But then this other man came along and I had feelings for him. I avoided this other fella at all costs, and felt incredibly guilty whenever he came around. I thought I must not love my boyfriend enough, or I must be a terrible woman, to not be able to get rid of these thoughts about the other person.
It is so nice that I can be so madly and head over heels in love with Sean, and still be really giddy and happy about Charles. I don't have to feel bad because I feel incredibly happy with both of them. The only reason my feelings for Charles aren't stronger is because it's still very new. My feelings for someone grow. I know in my bones that months down the line I am going to be just as mad for him as I am for Sean, and it makes me feel truly blessed. Happy that I don't have to exchange one for the other. Happy that break ups that occur in my life happen because they should, and not because I wonder if there is someone better out there, or because I find someone better.
I am grateful that the wives of my boyfriends encourage them to spend time with me. On Xmas eve Sean messaged me to come over and I got to stay and snuggle with him in the guest room. I got to show up and talk with Nay about her dates on the previous days, with Sean sitting right there, all of us smiling and giggling. There are no secrets. There is no jealousy. In the morning I got up and went in to the master bedroom to get my clothes and Nay was there getting dressed and we said good morning. I got to hug she and Sean goodbye. I texted her later to thank her for inviting me over. It was much needed after a slightly stressful evening with the family.
Now, I'm not saying it's all been wine and roses. It hasn't. There have been trials and problems just like in any other human interaction. I'm just saying that I do this better than I did monogamy. My openness and bluntness is respected by most. The people who don't respect it have fallen by the wayside and I am okay with that. Most of the folks I have met have enriched my life and I am so glad that I took that chance and went out with Matt so that I could get here. Even though Matt and I aren't together anymore, if it weren't for him I wouldn't have met Sean and Charles, so I am grateful for that. I know this is not for everyone, but I also wish it weren't so taboo. I think there are a lot of people out there hurting their mates because they fall in love with someone else and feel so bad for it. But maybe monogamy isn't their only choice. Then there are those who go out and cheat just for the thrill, or because they have low self-esteem and need outside attention. Those folks are just dishonest jerks, and they are here in the poly world too.
I just want everyone to be happy. I am really lucky that I am now at a place in my life where even the fact that my weight is getting on my damn nerves, doesn't effect me so greatly because I am really satisfied with my relationships and personal interactions with others. Even though my mortgage just jumped up $150 a month and I initially wanted to break stuff, I have loved ones to turn to and people who support me. My stresses and worries are somewhat lessened because I know I am surrounded with love. It is wonderful. I thought I'd never be here, and here I am. I am really glad.
Happy picture of the day: Morrissey, because I will always love him.