Of all of the things I am working on right now (which is a ton as I have so many issues that I often joke that I should come in a subscription package) the one most important to me is breaking my obsession with food/calories/weight. I know it may be shocking that someone of my size has this obsession, which is why I'm writing about it. It is probably my most difficult thing to talk about, as I am deeply ashamed of it. I contantly talk about how I'm not ashamed of anything, and this is somewhat true. But my obsessive stuff is still something that I have a sick feeling I should be smart enough to overcome. What's the use of having a genius IQ if you can't use it to outsmart your warped brain? I know that doesn't make any sense, but still.
I have gone about six months without writing down everything I put in my mouth (don't be nasty). It has been really hard (shut up), and since I have gained 9 pounds in those months, it has been REALLY hard (I'm being serious here guys. Stop being gross) not to get back in to the old habit. I do not want to operate like someone with an eating disorder, so I'm trying to just be normally thoughtful of what goes in to my body, and not obsess. It isn't working.
I used to weigh myself every Sunday, but tried to switch to only once a month. This didn't work so for now I'm weighing myself every other Sunday. Baby steps with these things I say. For some reason I have a number in my head that I should weigh. What's weird is it is nowhere near some "healthy weight" made up by doctors. It's just some number I've become comfortable with, and now focus on unhealthily, thinking it is what I need to weigh to feel okay about myself. I'm not there and I hate it. I will get back there in the next few weeks and stay there, no matter what I have to do. Any time I get more than 5 pounds over it I get terribly depressed. But I know how I got there, and it's stress eating.
I didn't work out for two weeks when my back was at its worst. I just got back in to it and I never thought I'd feel so great, being so damned sore. Another thing is if I miss too many workouts, I punish myself by working out way harder than I should. I can barely raise my right arm right now, and my thighs are so on fire sitting down is fun to say the least. And even though I know I could've injured myself, my brain doesn't work that way. I think, "This is what you needed to do. You can't go two weeks without working out and then not pay for it." Sick? Yes. It is what it is.
I am to the point where I think I can TASTE preservatives in food. It may sound like nonsense but it's true. Any sort of chemical item used in cooking and my palate knows it's in there. I am really trying to not go overboard with all or nothings, which is what my obsessions tend to make me do, with food. I want to be able to still occasionally go out to Vietnamese food where I have no clue where the meat came from, and I love it. I know that if I don't keep things in check I will become one of those people that so limits what they eat they can never go out and have fun. That is so not my style.
I don't want to make it seem like I don't like myself just the way I am, because most of the time I do. But I have found that in most circumstances, my obsessions and compulsions always win over my, "But it's okay that you do _______ Melanie." I can feel myself getting more and more healthy, slowly, as time goes by and I force myself in to uncomfortable situations, but I just feel like I should be doing better, more quickly. That's another one of my issues. I'm never good enough. Other people can be flawed and I love them. I am really, really hard on myself.
When I am depressed I also stress eat, and eat things I would NEVER eat otherwise. Speaking of chemicals, I had two 1 oz. bags of Cheetohs, and two Snicker bars last week. These are things that I would never have in my house, but as something arises that makes me upset, I wander to the machines at work and think, "One candy bar is totally okay." But then once I get a taste for it I just want more. It's a pretty ugly cycle, so I try to stay away from that kind of food altogether.
Of all my weird systems, obsessions, organizing tasks, etc. the food one is the one that I am most sad about. I don't want to be this way. I don't mind that in my house everything has its place. I don't care that in the shower I have to do everything in the same exact order or I'll forget. I am totally cool with having to wipe down my cubicle once a week with Clorox wipes. I am not cool with hating myself for not eating healthy 100% of the time or working out enough. That to me, for some reason, puts me in a class with dumb women who should have more important things to worry about, like just being a good person. I hate myself for it. I'm working on it. But I think I need to work harder. And there I go again. :)
I almost didn't post this because I realize how pathetic I sound, and how much it probably doesn't make sense to anyone who doesn't suffer from some sort of anxiety disorder, but you know what? This is how I'm feeling right now, so I can't be afraid to put it out there and just let it go. What's the purpose of having this outlet if I don't use it?
Happy picture of the day: it's skirt weather! I didn't even have to wear a coat on the walk in to work this morning! Yes, I wear Converse without socks. I call them my summer socks. Do I look smug or bored? I'd rather look smug. I'm feeling like today is a smug sort of day. I refuse to let it be boring.