That s is supposed to be there in the word nerves. I am talking about my own nerves, which are so on edge I feel like at this very moment they may pop through my skin and start attacking others. You see, I am applying for a new job today. And it's not just any old job.
For my entire history in state service I have always taken any job I could get that would be a promotion. I took the job I currently have because it is in the agency I want to work in. It's the agency my educational background is in, and it is a place I have a lot of passion for. However, I took my current job just to get my foot in the door. I do not have any passion for the job I currently have, and sometimes it's all I can do just to get dressed and get here every day.
On Thursday I saw a job announcement for our Nutrition Services Divsion. Childhood nutrition is something I feel extremely passionate about. The way I see most people feeding their children, and the food offered in most schools, makes me gaggy. This job would be in monitoring the current nutrition programs in place in our state. But more importantly, it is a secondary level management position where I could start on what my ultimate goal is, which is writing and appealing to legislation about the way our food programs in schools are currently run.
This is the first time I have applied for a job in my life, where not getting it would crush me. I redid my resume, went over my application with a fine-toothed comb, and even did a cover letter, which is not regular protocol when applying for state service. The thing is: I need these people to know that not only do I qualify for this position, but I would be the best damn person this position has ever seen. I full believe that.
I have been applying for jobs for over six months. All the jobs I have been applying for have been promotional save a few lateral ones. All of the laterals I would have accepted were in nutrition services. But here's the other thing about this job: it would mean a pay raise of 1000 dollars a month take home. If I were to get it I would never have to worry about money again.
The application is sitting on my desk in an inter-agency envelope. The deadline is February 8th so I plan on hand delivering it tomorrow. You see, I probably have to look it over about 100 more times before I can let it leave my hands. I have had people review all of my paperwork and give me help on more effective wording and so on. I have been so panicky just writing this out makes me want to puke. I don't just want this job, this would be my actual dream job. All of the years in state service toiling over things I did which I had no passion for, would be behind me. I could have a job that pays well, with great benefits, and a fabulous retirement, THAT I ALSO LOVE. This is huge. And I'm not handling it very well.
I know if I can just get the interview, and they don't have a definite front-runner already in the Division that they want to hire, the job is mine. I am personable, and I know the extent to which I want this job will show in my face and in my words, and they won't be able to help but hire me. I'm that confident. At the same time, I know my anxiety issues. I know that no matter how familiar I am with an interview question, I tend to trip over my words and sound like an idiot at times. I sometimes leave an interview then just say out loud the exact answer I should've given while sitting in front of that panel. But I also know having sat on interview panels, that personality generally pushes someone past other folks who may have more experience or may answer questions like the answers were built in to their very being. I am counting on that.
So I'm asking everyone to keep me in your positive thoughts. This job would pull so many layers of my daily worries and strife back. It would allow me to be completely financially stable. It would allow me to pay off all of my debt. It would allow me to get up in the morning and smile as I am getting ready for work, rather than scowl. It would allow me to be a more pleasant person to my boyfriends and friends, who would have to listen to far less complaining about how not satisfying I feel in my work life. It would mean the world to me. I am going to get this job dammit. And my red stapler is coming with me!
Happy picture of the day: my red Swingline. He is a stately fellow, and he deserves to be in a better office.