For the past two weeks there has only been one night where I've slept longer than four hours in a stretch. I have this thing I do a lot of times where I sleep in shifts. I'll sleep from 9-1, then I'm up 'til 5, then back asleep 'til I have to get up for work. As any of you who sleep like this can attest to, this just makes it feel like you only got as much sleep as you did on that last shift. It is exhausting. And unlike in my 20s, my body does not bounce back the way it used to.
Last Saturday night I slept from midnight 'til 8 in the morning. I was so excited about this that I got up and went for a run, then headed to the farmer's market all full of energy. If I sleep more than 6 hours it's a god damned miracle. I am now to the point where I am totally ready to go on some sort of low dose sedative like Klonipin. I researched and it's far less habit forming than the other anti-anxietals like Xanax and Ativan. So I'm calling my doctor today.
I have marijuana at home. I have used it a few times, but because of my addictive past I don't want it to be a daily use thing. So in the past few weeks I have smoked once. I don't know why I view it as more of a drug than the pain pills I have to take for my back occasionally, or an anti-anxietal, but I do. I think because I know so many people that claim to use it for medicinal purposes, that are just lying potheads who use it to numb their lives. I don't ever want to become that. So I am extra paranoid about smoking. I know it makes no sense. Welcome to my OCD head.
I am now to the point where I have very little patience for other human beings. You need sleep for a reason. I don't find myself acting on how on edge I feel, but I find myself THINKING far more mean and horrible things when I have gone this long on an insomnia kick. I like sleep. And all of you out there who fall asleep quickly, and sleep through the night, need to count your blessings.
I just had one of my dates cancel for tonight. Usually that would annoy me. But I'm so damn tired that I'm actually happy to get to go home, roast some brussel sprouts and cook up some swiss chard, and munch on food in my jammies and just veg out. The thought of having to entertain anyone tonight is about the furthest thing from fun I can think of.
I have a coffee date tomorrow morning which will be perfect, 'cause it'll give me an excuse to have a second cup of caffeine in the day, which I usually do not allow myself to do. Saturday evening I have a date with Trouble. Then Sunday I have a brunch date with a chubby fella who is so damn sweet. I am looking forward to all of the dates, mostly because none of them go in to the late night. I need my late nights to drift off in to slumber.
When I first got sober I had this problem bad. I had been using alcohol to help me sleep for so long (or more accurately pass the fuck out) that I had forgotten how bad my insomnia really was. It goes in waves. I will be really happy when this wave is over.
Happy picture of the day: I love these fake motivational posters, and this one is fitting today.