Dear Body

First off let me thank you for being so resilient. You are a true wonder of the world indeed. The fact that I drank copious amounts of alcohol and topped that off with drugs for over a decade, and you’re still running strong is something that I really appreciate. Sorry about the booze, the yellow jaundiced eyeballs, and the heroin overdose. The fact that I stopped breathing and had purple lips, yet am still here today, makes me realize how awesome you really are.

I apologize for the years in high school where I ate as little as possible, then worked out obsessively to maintain a weight between 110 and 150, when that was obviously not the weight I was meant to be. I’m sorry that even after that I have continued to diet then stop, exercise vigorously then quit, for many years. I am not going to do that to you anymore. I’m not going to apologize to people that I now weigh anywhere between 215 and 220 on a given day, and that’s where I’m staying. I promise to still eat 1600 calories or less 6 days a week, and give myself one free day to eat a burger or some bacon. I promise to work out 4 days a week doing something that is fun, whether that be kettlebell workouts, running, walking, or dancing to a silly wii game.

I promise to try and love that little pooch belly that I often have dreams of taking a knife to and cutting off. The days where I cry about the ripples on the back of my thighs are coming less and less. I have a few days a month where I actually feel like a cute girl, when I used to have maybe a day a year. I’m really working on it, but it’s going to take time. I can’t even promise that I’ll ever get there. All I can say is that I’m really making an effort to realize that this is what you look like, and love you regardless. I promise to continue to eat whole foods and cook mostly from scratch. But let's not lie, I will still be having my Eggos, Coffemate creamer, lean cuisine meals, and Taco Bell fixes. Those are the processed things I just can't seem to let go. So let's go ahead and accept that shall we?

I will make more of an effort not to groan when other people think, “Hey, have you lost weight?” is a compliment. They don’t realize that it’s not. They also don’t realize that it’s probably their own weight issues that would cause them to focus so much on the weight of others. I do it too. I have said it to my best friend. I’m trying not to do it anymore. It’s okay to say, “You’re positively glowing today” or “That outfit is amazing on you.” But commenting on the weight of others is invasive and I’m really going to try and cut it out. The fact that others say, “But you don’t look like you weigh 215” is a compliment in their eyes. Even though it’s creepy that anyone would have a number in their mind about what I weigh, I know it’s just what society has done to them, and it’s not their fault. I will swallow the smartass comments and really try to be more compassionate about weight, period.

Now let’s talk for just a moment about brain. I mean, it’s great and all that you made him (shut up my brain is a him) all smart and stuff. The fact that I can do ridiculous math problems, solve Sudoku puzzles like some sort of rainman, and play Tetris like the bejeezus is all keen and great. But what’s with the obsessing? What’s with the if I don’t clean the house for a few weeks it feels like the walls or closing in on me? Did I have to be born thinking everything needed to be on my desk at a 90 degree angle? Did you have to make it so that some days I’d wake up wanting to curl up in a ball and cry, while other days my brain is going so fast I can’t let someone else finish their sentence ‘cause I REALLY have to get this out? Okay, I guess you had to balance out my brainy awesomeness with more than a few what I will label as “quirks.” So thanks for that. I’m humble because of it. Good lord am I humble. Thanks for letting me meditate to stabilize my moods, so I can be more accepting of my faults when things around the house aren’t perfect. And thanks for helping me to not yell at the boyfriend, and good friends, when they don’t do things the way that I would. I’m working not only acceptance of you body, but of others.

You’re welcome that I will be sober for 3 years in a few months. That was the least I could do for you. And thanks for making me one of those sober folks that doesn’t freak out to the max about alcohol. I’m really happy that I’m comfortable around it, and those who drink it.

Today's picture was going to be a full body pic I took of myself standing in front of the mirror, to show that 217 doesn't look so bad. But my iPhone seems to not be able to email pics so instead, I'm putting up my favorite pic of myself. Taken by my friend Lauren at the Blue Lamp, while we watched the Detroit Cobras. It's just taken from her iPhone sans flash, and turned out pretty. She's about 6 inches shorter than me and the angle is her taking it while I stood on a bar stool.

Huge thanks to my friend Marcela who sent this pic to me so I could get it up. This is what 217 looks like y'all. No tricky angles, no fancy lighting. Just me and my chub rock in a really cute outfit.