Melanie's Truths

FACT: Whenever someone compliments my dog and I say, "Thank you" I feel weird. I didn't make the dog that cute. But I like to think I have a polite dog and if she could talk, she would say thank you herself.

FACT: Do your make-up, hair, teeth brushing before you get to work. No one wants to have to try and get around you to wash their hands, 'cause all of your toiletries are spread about. And don't tell me you don't have time at home because you were getting the kids ready. My mom had four and she never left the house without her hair and make-up done. And don't get me started on the driving make-up appliers. Especially when they have children in the car.

FACT: Your child is not your friend. If they are acting out in a restaurant you don't have to try and reason with them. You tell them to cut it out or you're leaving. Have some respect for the people around you.

FACT: I saw a pug with a straw hat on the other day and now I'm seriously considering getting Deja a hat. It has begun.

FACT: When you work in an office, sweatpants are not okay. Not even on casual Friday. You are not on the couch eating Doritos.

FACT: If I am behind you at a concert and you are holding your phone up recording I am laughing my ass off at you, and you're lucky I don't grab it and throw it across the venue. What are you going to use that totally shitty video for? I have been known to tap someone on the shoulder and tell them I didn't pay to watch a band through a tiny screen, I paid to watch them live, so get the hell outta my way.

FACT: It is not okay to be going anything less than 5 miles over the speed limit in the fast lane. If you want to drive the speed limit move the hell over. And if you see a car approaching no matter what speed you are going, and you can get over, do it. Pay effing attention.

FACT: I will always laugh at any old school Wayan Brothers or Robert Townsend stuff. To this day I watch Hollywood Shuffle and my stomach hurts from laughing so hard. And don't get me started about Men on Film. "I give this movie two snaps and a circle!"

FACT: I almost thought I made a mistake dating Sean when I found out he's never seen Friday. We must fix that immediately.

FACT: When you are waiting to get on an elevator, train, bus, or anything else, you always make sure everyone has exited before you try and get on. I'm about to start palming people in the head when they walk in before people have had the chance to get out.

FACT: Stand to the right on an escalator or moving sidewalk if you are standing still. Some of us are in a pretend hurry to get nowhere, and the left is for us to pass you.

FACT: If you have a sign at your campsite that says, "Absolutely no pit bulls" I will take my dog there anyways. Then I'll laugh at you when you ask what kind of dog I have and I answer, "A rescue mutt" and you allow me in saying how sweet and cute she is. Judging a dog by a breed is akin to racism as far as I'm concerned.

FACT: If and when I ever have to give Deja back, it is going to be really really difficult.

If you would have told me two months ago I'd be snuggling with a pit bull on my couch, I'd have laughed in your face.