Wednesday night after the date with Joe I fell asleep crying. Sobbing really. Dating isn't fun for me like it is for some people. It makes me feel more alone than ever. It made me think back to all the times Rich made me laugh and smile, and it took all the power I have not to email him to tell him thanks for that. It wouldn't be fair of me to initiate contact again, after telling him he and I couldn't be friends. I won't do that to him, but more importantly, I won't do that to myself. Sometimes I wish I would just make the bad decision like calling him up and making out with him. Why do I have to be so good, when hardly anyone else is? Because I'm not everyone else. I need to be the person I can look at in the mirror and be proud of. Right now I'm not her. I'm incredibly sad and getting in the shower to get to work is all I've been able to do the last few mornings, when all I've wanted to do is curl up in a ball and retreat.
Today I don't like my life. I feel so very alone and pathetic. I hear about other women's dating stories and it almost makes me physically nauseous, the lengths to which some people are willing to go to be coupled. I need to get back to that point where being alone is okay. I know that point exists because I've been there before. I am just not there right this moment.
What's weird is that today after I did my hair I looked in the mirror and saw a pretty girl. A pretty girl with the most fabulous eyebrows on earth. Okay, next to Divine. Say what you want, but that lady shaved her head so she could fit bigger eyebrows on, and I will always love her for it. And I will always call her a lady. A dogshit eating, fabulous fat lady who died too soon.
Dating never fails to make me feel like there are so few good people in the world. I can go at it gung ho for about three months usually before I need a break so I don't start hating people. I don't want to be one of those people that hates everyone, but I see myself getting there. I see myself unable to have compassion for those who can't just be themselves, be nice, and treat other people right. So much living in fear and acting out of stupidity. It makes me want to pack a bag and leave everything and head for the woods.
So that's where I'm at right now. I am going to just trudge through these days and come out the other side with hope and a smile, like I always do. Right now I can't even think of smiling. I was supposed to go hang out with some friends last night, but Joe was going to be there, and I honestly don't even want to give him a glimpse of hope that something might happen. Also, I couldn't fake the happy. So I stayed home and watched movies. I went to Corti Brothers to buy some ground beef and fixings to make burgers for my friend Jen and her family Thursday. I ate a leftover half burger I had from lunch and topped it off with some coconut gelato. I read a little, and put on some music by The Cure and thought about happy times.
More important than anything else, I'm not going to feel defeated any longer than is necessary. Right now I kind of liken my self to a deflated balloon. I'm going to go buy some helium and fly away like in the movie Up. Okay, I'm not going to do that, but I am going to come out of this all the stronger and be a better person for it. I know I am. I'm going to go to a meeting Sunday so I can listen to alcoholics talk about being alcoholics. I kind of need that right now. I need to not feel so alone. Even though I'm surrounded by so many good people, I just feel like isolating, and I know that's not a good place to be. So I'm going to do what I need to do, and power through. Being weak really isn't my style.
Happy picture of the day: that's an awesome eyebrow. Don't even try and say it isn't. :)