And Then I Quit AA

In the recent past I made a very personal decision, to quit going to meetings and being part of Alcoholics Anonymous. I continue to abstain from drinking and will do so for the remainder of my years on earth, I just couldn't in good conscience continue to be a member of the program.

I spent the past two years grasping on to the good parts of the program. But the more I went, the more I noticed less and less good, in relation to my recovery, and it just got to be a bit too much. I respect that the program has helped so many people, and that it is there for those who need it. I just can't be a part of it anymore. I can only focus on the positive of something for so long, until the many negative aspects start rearing their ugly head and poking me in the eye. I did it for way longer than I usually do. Holding on and attending regularly for three years was a huge accomplishment for me.

I am lucky to have a very large support system of friends and family, to help me in those times where I get down and blue and need to talk to someone. Even through my years in the program, I rarely turned to program people when I was in need. I always called on a friend to help me through my issues, or I turned inward and dug deep, doing what I needed to do in order not to drink.

I was afraid when I told my sponsor, that she would be angry. But she just said, "I understand completely." She has known all of the struggles I have with dogma, blindly following any sort of structured regimen, and most of all, a program that encourages people to ALWAYS be at meetings and interacting with other folks in the program. I think a program of recovery should equip you with the tools necessary to remain free of whatever drinking/drug/eating problem you have, and then send you on your way with the confidence that you can now make it on your own. There were very few people I saw with many years sober who I would look at and go, "I want what they have." It just stopped happening. I want so much more than most of them have.

I am not in any way knocking the program or people in the program. It just doesn't fit my life philosophy. And I'm glad the folks I know who are still in the program haven't been talking about me the way I see program folks talk about SO MANY sober people who aren't part of AA. "They're a dry drunk." "They aren't living to their full potential if they don't have the help of this program." So much judgment being made, that I just can't abide by.

I am thankful for the program because I know for a fact I wouldn't be sober without it today. There are so many great tools I was able to take from the few years I spent going to meetings and working with other alcoholics. I will continue to be here to support my alcoholic friends, in any way that they might need me. An ear to bend, a couch to crash on, a great meal to be shared. I will continue to seek out others like myself, so that I can have someone who understands me, around when I need support.

I haven't talked to my mom about it yet. She's the only one close to me who doesn't know. I am going to tell her this Sunday when I take her to brunch. I hope she doesn't take it personally, or think this is a decision I made so that I can start drinking again if I want to, because that's not the case. I have my chips on my altar to look at when I need that reminder of where I am in life. I will keep my AA books to look through now and again and find strength in prayers and words. I am a sober alcoholic who is no longer participating in a specific group of alcoholics, and that's an okay choice.

I would like to thank all of my friends who have been with me through the years, and stuck with me through the tough times. You are all amazing and I love you more than a simple sentence put out on the internet can express. I feel like a weight has been lifted, and I can now succeed in more of my life goals, and I'm pretty excited about it. I no longer have to feel like a portion of my life isn't 100% true to me being my authentic self. It's a relief.

Happy picture of the day: I love wearing this shirt to work as it is completely inappropriate, but no one knows it. I think everyone just thinks, "Oh, a bald guy with a beaker and a test tube." I love you Bryan Cranston, and I love this Breaking Bad shirt. Best.shirt.ever.

Alcoholics Anonymous

Like many other people, I had preconceived notions about the program of AA before I got sober. I thought it was cultish. I assumed it was just a substitute addiction for folks and a crutch. I thought that while it pretended to support all spiritual beliefs, it was a highly Christian leaning organization that I would never be able to relate to. Well, I can admit that I was wrong.

Now, I'm not saying there aren't people who have made AA a whole 'nother codependent place to be unhealthy. There definitely are. There are assholes in AA just like larger society. There are bible thumpers, and people who I most certainly don't aspire to be like. It is a microcosm of society in general and as such, there are going to be people in the program that I just don't get. The difference is, that even the biggest asshole in AA, is better than most people I encounter outside the rooms.

I have often said that everyone would benefit from a 12 step program of some sort. If you really do the work, it does so much more than just keep you from drinking. I have grown in so many ways with my involvement in the recovery community. Ways that I never would have imagined when I was out there drinking.

I am way more honest than I ever was. I simply don't lie. I think that lying is an energy suck and a waste of time. Keeping up with lies requires a skill and effort that, although I was good at it, I simply don't have the time to spend on it anymore. So I simply don't do it. Often times when a friend asks a question or for advice I first say, "Do you really want to know the answer to that, or what I think? Because if you're just looking for someone to agree with you, or a yes man, feel free to retract your request for advice." I don't sugar coat things, and I'm very up front. I don't lie to my boyfriend, or any of my friends about things relating to our relationship, or how I feel about them. When they make me mad, they know it. I also am working on not giving unwarranted advice. If someone is venting to you, don't tell them what you think unless they asked. No one cares what you think about their relationship situation, unless they've specifically told you so. This I find, is the hardest one to do. When I catch myself saying, "Well, I would do this..." I try to then say, "How arrogant of me. Who cares what I would do? What do you think your next steps will be?"

In the program is where I found Buddhism and meditation in ways which I was never able to explore before. Because of this my anxiety and OCD issues have improved drastically. If I want to skip a week of mopping and go do something on a Sunday, I can do so and not freak out the whole next week about how dirty the floors are. I can go to a crowded store to shop, whereas before I would almost stop breathing if there were too many people in the space around me.

For me, AA is a place I can go and be 100% myself, and know that I will be supported. Although I feel that in the outside world on occasion, I ALWAYS feel it at a meeting. Last night I drove out to Elk Grove to my old home group, and it was exactly what I needed to adjust my attitude. It helps me realize that as humans, not just as addicts/alcoholics, we have far more similarities than differences.

I am totally honest about the fact that I occasionally go to bars, and have even been known to take friends on pub crawls to places they usually wouldn't be able to get out to, because they can't drink and drive. I used to be a huge drunk driver. I did it 100s of times and it landed me in jail. I am hoping I never drunk drive again. My friends that drink are really fun to be around when drinking, and I know that they are not alcoholics like I am. I enjoy occasionally hanging out at bars and places where most folks in recovery think you should not go. It works for me. So I'm workin' it.

I like that I found a place that will help me to stay sober. I know I can't do it alone. The thing I'm working on now is really reaching out when I need help. I have a hard time with it. I feel like at this point I should be able to self soothe. I should be able to handle stuff without having to burden those around me when I can't stop crying, or I am so mad I want to rip someone's throat out. (Ooh, I just thought of Mortal Kombat when I wrote that. I miss that game). I know my friends and my sponsor are there for me if I could just pick up the phone and utter the words, "Hey, I need you right now." I'm working on it. I'll probably be working on it 'til the day I die.

I am not ashamed that I am an alcoholic. I don't blurt it out inappropriately, but I do bring it up when conversation warrants. I think it's important to let people know that I'm not just not drinking because I'm the DD. I'm not drinking because I CAN'T drink. This made me very angry at first. I felt like a first grader wanting to stomp my feet and say, "This isn't fair!" But life's not fair. The things that I have achieved in the last two years and ten months have surpassed anything I ever thought my life would be like. I honestly thought I'd be dead by now, and the sad thing is, I was totally okay with that. Now I'm happy that I get to stick around to annoy people for many, many more years.



Happy picture of the day: I took this on the walk in to work the other day. It just looked so pretty. It also reminded me of Alfred Hitchcock.

Please don't poop on my head.