Being Truly Powerful

It is something I think about often. I think back to when I didn't like myself so much, and I thought power meant being able to manipulate others and put them under your thumb. I felt like I was so awesome because if you tried to belittle me, I could come back twelve times harder with my wit and snark and make you feel so small you almost disppeared. I thought it was funny when I could make a friend or lover do whatever I wanted. I am so glad those days are over.

To me, true power is knowing that you have the ability to exert your influence over others, and making sure that you never do. Now, I'm not saying not to exert any power. I like to exert the power of laughter, and light-heartedness, and to carry on a smile. I think that is the right kind of power to exert over others. If you are feeling blue, and I can make you smile, I feel powerful. If I can make you belly laugh, I feel like a god. And I'm okay with feeling powerful in this way.

I am glad that instead of hating those I see who think they have to belittle others, that I feel empathy for them. It is a miserable place to be. No amount of putting others down builds you up. And no amount of denial makes you truly believe that is happening. Hard work and learning to love yourself unconditionally is the only path to true happiness. Most people will never know such happiness.

I am thankful to all of the folks who help me along my journey. I am thankful to myself for getting out of the rut it would've been so easy to get stuck in. I am grateful for daily mindful meditation, and constant reminders that I am painfully flawed, and that's ok. As long as I acknowledge my wrongdoings I can learn from them.

My next post will be a silly one, I promise!

Happy picture of the day: you have no idea how happy it makes me that I have a gay friend named Jesus.

Oh Glorious Side Effects

So it's been exactly two weeks since I started my lovely journey on Fluoxetine aka generic Prozac. I know that it takes about 4-6 weeks before you notice if it is helping or not, so I am trying to be patient. Luckily, that patience is being hindered by some pretty shitty side effects. Last Wednesday and Thursday I had dry mouth so bad I had to constantly swish water around in my mouth or it felt disgusting. Also, because of the lack of saliva my tongue was chewed up as were the sides of my mouth. Way to make someone feel like a tweaker, meds! I powered through it even though all I really wanted to do was stop taking the stuff. It also leaves me with really dry eyes so they are light sensitive, and cold extremities. I have been sitting at my desk in my Snuggie a lot. The side effects are much lessened today, but are still going on. They aren't nearly as bad as they were last week so I am thankful for that.

On the bright side, I don't have some of the side effects I've read about or had friends tell me about. One friend couldn't have an O for a month. Of course as soon as I heard this I had to test it out right away and thank the stars, I am not having THAT problem. Seriously, I'd rather have borderline OCD anxiety disorder than not have orgasms. For reals.

Head pain: I am really glad that's not one of my side effects. It's bad enough that I'm drowsy and cranky for now, add head pain to that and I just might be the most miserable person ever at work. It may have turned to violence. So thank goodness I haven't had headaches or any of that such nonsense.

Diarrhea: Dude, it causes dry mouth, dry eyes, constipation OR the runs? What kind of drug is this. I always love when you hear on commercials, "May cause drowsiness or insomnia." What the fuck? They told me to take it in the morning 'cause it may cause insomnia. Shit puts me to sleep so I don't have that problem. Or the runs. I don't think on top of having to admit I need meds, I need to admit I depend on Depends. I'm just not ready for that step in life yet.

Ringing in the ears: This would suck balls. It's bad enough I have the chills almost constantly or I feel like my skin is crawling. Add to that ringing in the ears and I'd act even more mental than I already do. Hell, I'd finally get fired more than likely. "Umm, do you guys hear that? Is it time for recess? What's going on?" No thanks.

Hair loss: Now here's one I could actually use. I have more hair than anyone I've ever met. Why can't I ever get a HELPFUL side effect like hair loss? Okay, I got the one that helps me sleep more, so there's that. Still, a little hair falling out after a shower would be welcomed. Got that drug company?

Confusion: I have suffered from this side effect my whole life. People confuse me on a daily basis. But now that I'm on meds it's awesome that I can totally blame it on the Prozac. "Huh? I don't get it. Must be the meds." *high-fiving self* I am usually anti high-five as it's hello broey. But that doesn't count when it's a self high-five. Shut up! It doesn't!

Anyways, I look forward to the day when the shitty side effects are a thing of the past and I get to see whether or not I am actually getting any of the rewards of finally being on meds. Now when people say stuff like, "Is that bitch on Prozac?" I can resoundingly yell, "Why yes! Yes, I am!"

Happy picture of the day: Michonne. She is one of my favorite television characters in recent history.

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Well Howdy Do

I am going to make a conscious effort to post and read blogs at least once a week. I needed a break very badly and I got it, and now I'm in a much better space.

Truth be told I had a very bad nervous breakdown Saturday before last. It involved binge drinking, crying, and waking up with bruises which I had no idea where they came from. And that was what prompted me to finally admit I needed help. I needed help and I needed to be on medication regularly. So I did it. I went to the doctor and got a prescription for Prozac. Unfortunately, they decided to put me on 20 mg. which made me in to a god damned basket case. So by last Saturday I could barely speak and my vision was blurry. I obviously stopped taking them. Went in for a follow-up appointment on this past Monday and was put on 10 mg. I take them every night with dinner. They make me very sleepy but that is the only side effect so far. I'm hoping that will taper off as my body gets used to the meds. In happy news, I'm too damned tired to be anxious. (That's humor y'all. Laugh).

I am really happy that I have supportive friends in my life who I can laugh about being on my "crazy" pills with and who love me no matter what. I am happy I finally stopped being stubborn and thinking I had to be strong enough to conquer this shit without medication. I'm not strong enough. I am physically exhausted from battling with my never ending, running nonstop brain. I know it will take 4-6 weeks for me to see the effects of my medication so I'm being patient, and patience is NOT one of my strong suits. Shocker, I know.

I am putting this out there because being on medication is nothing to be ashamed about. If you talk to someone you know because you decided you needed some help, and they are anything but 100% supportive, run the other direction. True friends don't judge. And people that really love you don't make you feel bad because you admit that you just can't do life the way you always have, if it's not working anymore. I couldn't. And I'm glad I had Sean to cry to and who understood when I yelled at him, "I can't fucking do this anymore! I can't take it and I need help."

So I got help. And I'm hopeful. And I know that this is the hardest decision I have ever made, and I have made some pretty damned hard decisions. And I'm proud of myself. And nothing that anyone says or does can make me feel any less about myself because I am now on Prozac. And if in a month or two I don't see it helping I will try something else, and then something else, until I find something that works for me. I won't give up until I find it. Because living like I had been just wasn't working. I was a really good faker at pretending things were great, and I was fine, and things were hunky dory. But they weren't. They still aren't, but I have faith they will get there again.

Thanks to all the blogger friends who have emailed me in my blogging absence. You are all amazing and wonderful people. Thanks for letting me know you were thinking about me.

Kris has gone back to the UK. He left Wednesday and I already miss him. He was a great houseguest and when he comes back to the states I told him he is more than welcome to move in with me. I had my house concert and I was kind of a basket case as it was the day after my meltdown, but I powered through it with my head on Sean's shoulder and made the best of it. Life is going to get better. I am glad I made the decision I did.

Happy picture of the day: This is me with Kris and the boy he met and fell madly in like with, Tre. I have two new friends for life, and I'm glad for it.

My Struggle Will Never Be Over

Hi, my name is Melanie, and I have a borderline OCD anxiety disorder. For many years I drank/drugged/self abused it away in any way I could. I didn't deal with it at all. I did whatever I could to numb myself and distract myself so that I didn't have to pay any attention to it. When I was young I would worry about things most kids didn't. I took to a habit of rubbing my hands as an act of self-soothing. But I would rub so hard I would rub off layers of skin and it would hurt so bad I couldn't pick things up. I would rub my neck, my chest, my arms, and other places to give my fingers and palms of my hands a rest. I started cutting when I was in my early teens but I really hated the scarring and so I stopped that completely. The release it gave me couldn't compete with how stressed I got leaving marks on myself. After high school I went off the deep end with drugs. Ecstacy, and LSD were my favorites. Every weekend I went on a bender. I discovered crystal meth and cocaine. Then I discovered the kicker: heroin. I liked it so much that I only allowed myself to do it every few months because I refused to become a junkie. I almost died of an overdose, then did it one more time. I became a blackout drunk. I drank a huge bottle of Jameson in one sitting, and wouldn't remember hours of a day.

I got clean and stayed sober for three years. In that three years I got to know myself really well. I did everything I was told I was supposed to in order to understand why I drank and drugged like I did. I took in to account all of my own personal responsibility for why my life became such a mess. Slowly but surely, I fixed it. I am in no way perfect, but I developed coping mechanisms, and I am thankful for that three years. I started drinking on occasion about a year ago. I have done well with it. I have had a bottle of Jameson on my counter since Xmas and have only made two drinks out of it. I would have NEVER had a bottle last that long before. I drink like a normal person. I remember what happened the night before. I don't wake up with blazing hangovers. It's awesome.

My anxiety sometimes seems like it's getting worse, but I think that's only when I'm in the thick of it. I have challenged a lot of my anxiety triggers. I can go to public places that are more crowded and sometimes I can actually stay and hang out. I can drive to my folks' house in Elk Grove right in the middle of stop and go traffic. I can have people over my house and not die if more than ten people show up. But the one thing I know is: I will always have anxiety issues. I am never going to be one of those people for whom calm is a regular state of being. I freak out about things at least once an hour during my waking life. I just don't fly in to a panic attack all of the time like I used to.

I have given in to taking the occasional Xanax. I only take 1/2 at a time, and 10 pills will last me about three months. I don't ever want to take anything on a regular basis. I am just not comfortable being pill dependent. I know that if I were to get on a mood stabilizer I would probably operate better and life would be easier, but I won't do it. I won't do it until I am so crippled by my mood swings that I can't avoid it. I find that behavior modification, meditation, and acupuncture are working for me along with the occasional Xanax, and I'm cool with that.

The people around me are very good about helping me when I am in a panic mode. They know that sometimes we will be out and then all of a sudden I'll need to leave. They understand if I need to take a pill I'm not just doing it to disengage and not cope, I am doing it because if I don't I will go in to full panic mode and be down for the count for hours. I am having a house concert at the end of next month. A house concert that will be really hard for me. It's something I wouldn't even have attempted when I first bought my house. 40 some odd people in my tiny home. I know that night will be a Xanax night. I know that there is probably no way in hell I'm getting through that night without the help of pharmaceuticals. I'm trying to get more comfortable with the fact that I am not weak because I can't just calm myself down in some situations. My brain is broke. It's never not going to be broke. I still haven't accepted that, but I'm working on it.

What I am really thankful for is even through the really tough times when my anxiety made me feel defeated or depressed, I never acted out on the thoughts that people in my life would probably be better off without me here. A co-worker's friend just had their 16 year old son hang himself, and I can't imagine the sense of loss and hurt that that family must be going through, because that young boy thought that things were so harsh that he would be better off just ending it. My thoughts go out to his family and friends. No matter what goes on in my life and even if sometimes I just want to withdraw, I know that there is always a light out there and things to discover that I haven't yet experienced. I am glad I feel loved and know that no matter what I'm going through, I don't have to ever give up and go back to living a life where I didn't take care of myself and treat myself well.

Happy picture of the day: shame cat! Every time I see Roxy sleeping like this I ask her, "Oh, what have you done that you need to hide your face??" I've officially turned in to a cat person. I talk to them constantly.

I Feel Like The Monkey In Outbreak

So I have been ridiculously sick since new year's day. I got the most absurd stomach flu I've ever had and was literally unable to even keep down liquids for three days. The illness ran in total about 5 days. I was joking that someone had slipped me some water from India. Or I was a real life character in the Oregon Trail game and I had been the player who got dysentery. At any rate, as soon as I felt decent again I caught a shitty ass cold. I figure this is rad as the year can't get any worse, so starting off like this is totally fine with me. Nowhere to go but up!!

I took up camping on my couch, and had the tv on and heater blasting the whole time, so I can just imagine what my energy bills will be like for the month. I am pretty sure after this cold I will have the immune system of the gods for a while though. You know when you're so sick you can't even stand up long enough to take a shower? That was me. I took two showers in a whole week. It was disgusting. Don't get me started on how my OCD won't allow me to puke in the same toilet I've just used for toileting purposes. Thank goodness I have two bathrooms. I was running back and forth between both for days.

So now I'm back, but I don't have the brain power to write anything of interest. I didn't even get on the internet for days while I was ill. I hadn't any interest whatsoever. I just today caught up on all of my blogs and commented on a few. These are the days where I feel like I should just get rid of the blog and stay in touch with all the folks I've started communicating with that I adore. But I know I'm just sick and tired and it'll pass.

I made a huge slab of ribs last night for my first real meal I was able to digest and good lord were they awesome. I have little to no appetite which is kind of nice. I lost 8 pounds during my illness so I'm hoping to just keep going with it. I also quit smoking as a side-effect so I'm gonna stick with that too. I also decided to not drink for the rest of the month as drinking is when I want to smoke the most. So sometimes illness leads to better health!!

Anyways, I hope your guys' 2013 started off better than mine, and that you are making a mighty fine time of things. I'm just happy to be at work (sad I know) and not be laying on my damn couch covered in kitties and tissues.

Happy picture of the day: my Molly kitty. She was really cute while I was sick and stuck by my side an awful lot.

Personal Choice

I spent many years having to learn that the most important decisions in life usually include some sort of a trade off. You are usually giving up one thing, in place of another. So it's vitally important that the choices you make, are the ones that are most true to yourself and what you really want to do. I know people get sick and tired of hearing the phrase, "Be your authentic self" but you know what? I find that that sentence is really important. Of all the miserable people I see in the world, the most miserable are the ones that do things for others, or make choices to make someone else happy, when it goes against what they truly want to do. I'm not saying you can never make a choice to make someone else happy, but you have to make sure it's a decision you are making not to ONLY make someone else happy. It has to align with your wants and beliefs.

Most of my friends who have children I never hear complaining of the time they lose getting to hang out with friends, because they have kids. They wanted children and they realize it's a decision they made to raise a family so having to give up a year or two of self time was totally worth it to them. Then as the kids get older and they can get a babysitter from time to time they do so. When I see people getting mad because their baby takes up so much time, or they don't get to do the things they want to do, I have to wonder why they had a child in the first place. Did they not think it through? Did they do it to make someone else, or society as a whole, happy? I think if you want to be a parent, the trade off is definitely worth it. If you are complaining all of the time about your children you need to seriously take a step back and think about your choices and why you made them. Then you'll probably take some personal responsibility and maybe some of that anger would go away. I'm not saying there aren't days where people can't pull their hair and go, "God damn my kids are annoying me today!" That's totally normal. But if your children make you unhappy more than they make you happy, that makes me sad. There are SO MANY reasons I never wanted kids. And I never complain about the choice I have made, because it was the right one for me.

I gave up working in a profession I was really good at, that I loved, because I wanted to make more money and lay down roots and buy a home. Since I never wanted to marry or cohabitate, if I wanted to do this it was all on me. The trade off to take a job in an office environment was more than worth it. I went years without health care. I lived paycheck to paycheck in living situations with people who it was really not healthy for me to be around. I was constantly at odds living with others because of my need for an orderly, clean environment. Although I may joke and bitch about my cubicle dwelling self, for the most part I am grateful that I have a job that affords me my home and all of the amenities within. I am blessed and lucky. Sometimes I'll see a cute child on the street and for a fleeting moment I will miss working with children. But then I'll quickly come back to reality. I make the best of my career even though at times it seems unfulfilling. Soon I will have a new job. And then after that I'll move on to another. One of the great things about state service is getting to be slightly nomadic. You don't like a position? You can apply and move on to a different one.

Of all the things I have done in my life the one that served me the most was finally embracing who I truly was. Understanding that I don't have to feel guilty for any of my life choices, as long as I was making them based on fulfillment of self and they weren't hurting others. Of course, some of my choices are going to not benefit others as much as they benefit me. And that's okay. I have embraced my inner weirdo. I have embraced my inner non-monogamous person. I have embraced my inner Fiestaware collector. I have embraced so much more. I am really happy that I am living a life that is 100% me. That I can love and care for others, but not at the expense of giving up any portion of self. I think everyone could do it if they just stopped giving a shit about what neighborhood they were in, what care they drove, what people would think of them if they didn't get married and have babies, etc. Do what you need to do to wake up feeling fulfilled and happy every day. That's really the only requirement.

Happy picture of the day: this is one of my favorite PostSecrets of all time. I completely agree with what this card says. If you want to be happy, it's as simple as choosing to make that happen.

Fatigue

It officially happened. I have run myself in to the ground. I have been sick lately more than I have been healthy, and have missed three days of work in the last two weeks. So yesterday I did what I should've done a long time ago. I cancelled all of my volunteer obligations except for the tv station I volunteer for. I cut way back on my social engagements. I procured some much needed Xanax. I took half of one last night and slept like a baby for the first time in as long as I can remember. I went out to dinner last night with friends, then to a bar. I drank 7-Up and was home by 9. It took far too long, but I'm going to start taking better care of myself.

My doctor says I have some sort of fatigue syndrome going on. I laughed at her because there are people who work three jobs and have families. Certainly my measly 40 hour work week which is the exact opposite of strenuous, is not going to tire someone out. But as I was running through my schedule with her I realized that I do spread myself far too thin. So that is going to stop. I have tonight to myself, and a date with Matt tomorrow. Friday evening I'm going to wipe down my outside furniture for a bbq on Saturday. Since I'm leaving the 11th, I'm celebrating my birthday with friends on the 6th. My actual birthday is the 10th.

I am going to do nothing that keeps me out later than 9 o'clock on weeknights from now on. Period. I am going to be in my pajamas, on the couch, watching bad tv or reading every evening. That will also help with the money situation. I've been spending far too much running around and that is adding to my stress. I have been breaking my schedules and not sticking to my routines, and it has sent me in to a tailspin that finally ended in me getting physically ill and throwing up for days on end. I am through with this.

I have no one to blame in this but myself. Especially when I am manic, I want to do everything with everyone. Whenever someone calls and says, “I need a girl night” I am always with the “yes.” I am slowly but surely getting back to learning to put my own needs first sometimes. I can say no when I need to. It’s something I’ve always struggled with and now that it is affecting my health, it is at the forefront of my mind.

So today it starts. Healthy Melanie will be back soon. Sickly Melanie is tired, and grumpy, and worn out, and just not someone I want to have to deal with. So I’m going to heal her and get back to my old self. I need to. I had a movie post for September movies, but when I went to post it the whole thing got lost and I honestly don't have the energy to redo it. I'm that tired right now.

Happy picture of the day: here is a picture of me all gussied up with my hair done in pin curls. I rarely ever wear dresses but when I do I always have fun getting a girlified.

Sexuality

It has come up in conversation a lot lately in my world. People asking questions about boundaries, rules, preferences and whatnot. It has made me delve in to my brain to verbalize things that you don't usually have to think or talk about in very much detail. You know you like men, or women, or both. You know the things you like when you are being intimate with someone and you talk about them as they come up. But in this new world they come up far more quickly and you really have to try and wonder why you have certain rules and boundaries, or why you identify one certain way.

Most if not all of my metamours (the wives/other girlfriends of the men I'm seeing) identify as bisexual while I do not. I have slept with women, but it has only been where there was a man involved. I do not see a woman and get all twitterpated the way I do when I am attracted to a man. I have never dated a woman. I've never been in love with one. And I've never been in bed with JUST a woman. Therefore I have considered the contact I've had in bed with women, to be more of a by-product. In fact, the reason I stopped having sex with multiple partners is I almost felt as if I was using women or doing them a disservice by sleeping with them to get to the better product in bed next to them. 'Cause that's how I see it. Oh, you're a woman, and you are there, and I'll make out with you, but only as the means to an end.

I believe that sexuality, along with most other things in your life, is a fluid spectrum. I don't think that anyone on the planet is 100% anything. I think everyone falls along a line from very hetero, to very gay, and it's not really so much a line as something that branches out in a ton of directions. No one is really at either end. Everyone is somewhere in the middle. I have always tried to be a person to realize that while I prefer certain things, I am not going to say never about anything. I believe you can't say you dislike something if you've never done it. You can ASSUME you wouldn't like it, but you can't truly know. There are things I know I do not enjoy where intimacy is involved. I rarely say, "No, I will never do that again." Sometimes I do. But it's a rarity.

I know that in order to feel like I'm experiencing the most I can out of life, I am willing to do a lot of things that most people see as perverse. I am willing to say, "I have tried that before and didn't like it, but maybe with you it'll be different." I am okay with, "Nope, never even thought of that. Let's check it out." As with most other things in my life, I want my intimate encounters with people to make me happy and feel complete. I want to feel like I can look in the mirror and know I didn't miss out on something just because society says it's not normal. I have never been one to attach to the normal. But I also don't want to do things just because they are different. I want to say no to things that I know would make me feel uncomfortable. And I do. I have two things that will NEVER happen while I'm naked with someone. And I'm okay expressing those boundaries.

I think in our society we have SO MANY things that people think are wrong, just because they are not their preference. As I have stated in many of my blog posts before, the "my way is the only right way" mentality is really a stifling and ugly one. It's something I don't ever want to express or feel. I want to respect that my way is the right way for me, and someone else is free to be the exact opposite. If you're not hurting anyone, and everyone is being honest and positive, there is no such thing as gross or wrong. People should do what makes them happy. But more important than that, people should want other people to do whatever makes them happy.

Happy picture of the day: me and Suzie taking a super attractive picture on our girl date.

My Choices Aren't Judgment

I have two life choices I have made where there is slight judgment attached: not hanging out with people who are constantly tethered to their phone, and what I eat. The first one just seems so inconsiderate to me. When hanging out with other people, you should live in the moment and enjoy their company. You shouldn't be playing a turn of words with friends, or updating Facebook, or tweeting. I guess because I try and be really mindful and live in the now, I don't comprehend why people can't, and I don't want to comprehend. I think just because it is the norm for people to be out in a group, all with their cell phones in hand, doesn't mean I have to like it. And there are plenty of people you can hang out with who find it perfectly acceptable. But why go out at all if you're going to have your head down buried in phone stuff the whole time? Save money and stay the heck home! The food thing is just because I wish people would take better care of themselves. All of the processed, genetically modified, and food-like substances people are eating is making them sick. Everyone has the right to make themselves as sick as they want, but I think it's really irresponsible that companies make products that are so unhealthy, and then consumers care so little what goes in to their bodies that they don't research what these things are, and what they do. It's weird.

All of my other choices have zero judgment attached, yet as I have spoken about before, people get really defensive when I talk about them. My choice to never get married or give birth to kids is a huge one. The moment I mention it people start defending why they are married or have children. That's great. I have a lot of married friends and I love kids. I just choose not to join the ranks of the married, or the parents.

My choice to work out regularly and eat very portion controlled meals sends people in to a tailspin. I don't talk about it except on this blog. I don't bring up what I'm eating, or why I'm eating it, when hanging out with people. You will never hear me comment on someone else's food choices unless they ask me a specific question, or ask my opinion. I try to actually do this in all aspects of life: only offer opinion if it is asked for. Unwarranted and unsolicited advice is very self serving. It's something I'm constantly working on. I would appreciate it if others didn't have to constantly comment when I'm going out for my morning walk, or when I unpack my lunch things like, "Oh, you're so good!" It makes me want to punch them in the face instead of smiling and getting away from them as quickly as possible.

I know there are a lot of people in the world for whom their choices are a judgment call. They live in a certain neighborhood because they think neighborhoods like mine are the ghetto where their families wouldn't be safe. A lot of judgment is just born of ignorance. Ignorance is puzzling because in this day and age it's almost like you have to try REALLY HARD to not gain knowledge. I think it's actually harder to be stupid right now, than it ever was in history. So for people to choose not to try and learn and understand things, is baffling to me. I don't judge it, because I do know sometimes ignorance is bliss and not knowing leaves you in your safe little bubble, and sometimes it's hard to break out of that. I can't live that way.

I tend to need to avoid a lot of places and certain types of people so as not to send my anxiety in to overdrive. When I tell people, "Oh, I would never go there" it's not a judgment. If you go there, and you enjoy it, that's great. I can't either due to noise level, the type of clientele that frequents it, or other factors which cause me great stress. I don't need to like the places you like. It most certainly doesn't mean I judge you for going to them. Since I have chosen to reject medication to deal with my issues, I choose behavior modification instead. I have a lot of friends on meds and I think that's great if it helps. I just hate big pharm and I would like to not support them if I can avoid it. The fact that I was recently able to get off of all pain meds was HUGE for me. I am so much happier knowing I'm not supporting that kind of stuff. I have friends whom I know have no choice. I feel bad for them and wish they weren't in such pain.

The other day I sent a picture of me drinking a Pabst to Matt and he said, "I don't get Pabst." I responded, "You don't need to. You're not the one drinking it." It's really that simple folks. I don't have to love what you love. You don't have to understand why I avoid places in town and don't like them. All we have to do is have mutual respect for the people in our lives, and carry on peacefully. And maybe, just maybe, poke fun and playfully laugh at our friends who like Crocs (I have one of those...a croc wearing friend. It's hard).

Happy picture of the day: JD McPherson. Because he's my secret husband. And JD, next time you come over, can you go ahead and bring that lamp with you? I need it. Thanks.

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Anxiety

I talk a ton about people not sweating the small stuff, and how you should really put things in to perspective. The problem is, I have a broken ass brain, that causes me to sweat tons of small stuff. Some of them I force myself to face head on as they are not things I will just accept, but some of them are stuff that will freak me out for the rest of my life and there's nothing I can do about it. The way I see it, as long as they don't impact my life too greatly, or cause grief to others, what's the big deal? I have a pretty extreme anxiety disorder. I am really open and honest about it, but I am also really good about internalizing it so if I didn't come out and say, "That is that way because I need it to be" most people wouldn't realize I even have an issue. I try to phrase it like this for folks to understand, "You know how you have preferences: like you love a certain shampoo, or you like to drive to the store one certain way? Now imagine if not abiding by those preferences made you stress out so bad you got a migraine, or it made you puke. That's what anxiety disorder is in a nutshell."

My main anxiety stuff in short order:

Crowds: I hate them. I hate not being able to walk at a reasonable pace. I hate having to listen to asinine conversations of those around me. I hate being packed in like sardines. I especially hate if most of the crowd is drunk. Dealing with dumb drunk people makes me stabby. I am working on this one. I don't go to many live music shows anymore. If I do I just stand in back where it's not too crowded, or go to shows where there is assigned seating. The last time I stood up front a drunk girl messed with my friend and it took everything in my power to just stand there and not hospitalize said person.

Clutter - I can't stand it. Not at work, and most certainly not at home. People marvel at the order in which I keep my cubicle. If I even have one stack of papers not in its proper place it makes me start to get physically ill. This is something that I have come to accept. It's not a big deal to me or anyone else that the space I inhabit needs to be clean and free of debris.

Towels, bath products: I have very specific types of towels I use. Also, I can only use a very specific type of toothbrush. I always pack a towel when I travel. This includes going to Unicorn's house.

Coffee travel cup: I have a coffee cup, and it is the only cup that I can drink coffee from. I can use paper cups if I'm in a pinch, but I can not use any other reusable travel mug. I have a few ceramic mugs at home I can use, but this one travel cup is the only cup I can drink coffee from.

Pillows: I have to use two pillows when I sleep at night. I absolutely can not fall asleep with only one pillow under my head. I don't care if these are super fluffy pillows, down pillows, flat pillows, or whatever. But there must be two of them under my head.

Traffic: This is one I'm working on. The more I drive in bumper to bumper stop and go traffic, the less I want to yank my hair out. This is one I'm going to conquer. I can feel it in my bones.

These are just the few that come to mind because you know what? I never even realized any of this stuff was an issue, until other people started saying, "Did you notice that you.....?" Then I went to the doctor when I was around 9 and explained all of this and was diagnosed with about ten different kinds of crazy. I don't really see it as something holding me back. I see it as a defining part of who I am, but one that I choose to manage and make sense of the best I can. These kind of things only hold you back in so far as you let them. Now, that's not to say some people don't have debilitating anxiety way worse than mine, like the folks who can't bear to leave their homes. I'm just saying I don't. And I'm really glad for that.

What I really have a problem with is when someone says, "So and so says they have ________ wrong with them, but I don't see it." Umm, you don't have to see it. And yes, there are people who play up or even make up stuff that is wrong with them to get attention. But why do folks care so much? If you don't like it, just don't hang out with or talk to that person. You can't live inside someone's head or heart and know how something makes them feel, and why do you care to? I find that's usually someone's own issue. I have had people actually tell me to my face, "You are NOT bi-polar. If you were you would act like this...." Oh really? When did you get your degree in medicine? And why aren't you making more money so you can keep me in hummus and fresh veggies genius? Seriously, knock it off folks. Stop worrying about the crazy, or non-crazy of other people. The only crazy you need to worry about is your own.

Happy picture of the day: awesome neon signage. Too bad the food at this joint isn't as good as the sign is. I am glad it still exists though, 'cause it's an amazing building and sign.

I Don't Do Diets

Today’s post is a link up with me and Jax over at Raviolis & Waterworks. We email and talk almost every day and this topic came up so we decided to write about it, as we both don’t like the term “diet.” Her post today is about how she lives a healthy lifestyle, without going on diets.

I have long been a proponent of healthy eating as a lifestyle rather than fad and binge dieting to be healthy. Now, I know a lot of you ladies, and some of you gents out there, are dieting right now. I am not judging. I am just saying that to me it makes far more sense to always eat well, than to constantly be eating the latest “thing” or “lite” food.

Every weekday morning I have 8 oz. of vanilla natural yogurt with flax seed. For lunch I have the only processed food I ingest: a Lean Cuisine or Smart Ones meal with a piece of fruit. Now, I wouldn’t recommend this. This is sheer laziness on my part. But I’m all about honesty, and this is how I honestly eat. For dinner I eat a small portion of protein, a starch, and a vegetable. My entire diet besides weekday lunches consists of whole foods made from scratch, and it’s the only way I could ever eat. I shop at local farmer’s markets for produce, and get hormone free meats from local grocers.

Women at work often comment about which diet they are currently on and I just can’t relate. The other morning we were out to breakfast for a co-worker’s birthday and I had a scone and a half grapefruit. I was asked, “What diet are you doing?” I responded, “I don’t diet. I eat healthy on a regular basis and then if I occasionally want a burger or ice cream, I have some.”

I exercise an hour a day four days a week. Two days of cardio and two days of weights. I also walk around the park near my work three days a week which is about 1.5 miles. I park about ½ mile from work to get in that extra mile every day.

Our nation is the only nation with lite food, diet foods, gyms all over, etc. and we’re the least healthy. My only goal in life is to be healthy and live to a ripe old age. But my intentions aren’t all that pure. I want to live to be really old so that all of the weird stuff I already do will be regarded with a, “But Melanie can do that, ‘cause she’s 80.” Some day I'm going to be eccentric rather than weird, and I look forward to that day very much.

Happy picture of the day: A 1968 Charger. My dream car. I will own this one day I will.

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Insomnia

I know I have written about this before, but as I am smack dab in the middle of one of the worst runs of non-sleep I've ever experienced besides when I used to do meth, I am writing about it again.

For the past two weeks there has only been one night where I've slept longer than four hours in a stretch. I have this thing I do a lot of times where I sleep in shifts. I'll sleep from 9-1, then I'm up 'til 5, then back asleep 'til I have to get up for work. As any of you who sleep like this can attest to, this just makes it feel like you only got as much sleep as you did on that last shift. It is exhausting. And unlike in my 20s, my body does not bounce back the way it used to.

Last Saturday night I slept from midnight 'til 8 in the morning. I was so excited about this that I got up and went for a run, then headed to the farmer's market all full of energy. If I sleep more than 6 hours it's a god damned miracle. I am now to the point where I am totally ready to go on some sort of low dose sedative like Klonipin. I researched and it's far less habit forming than the other anti-anxietals like Xanax and Ativan. So I'm calling my doctor today.

I have marijuana at home. I have used it a few times, but because of my addictive past I don't want it to be a daily use thing. So in the past few weeks I have smoked once. I don't know why I view it as more of a drug than the pain pills I have to take for my back occasionally, or an anti-anxietal, but I do. I think because I know so many people that claim to use it for medicinal purposes, that are just lying potheads who use it to numb their lives. I don't ever want to become that. So I am extra paranoid about smoking. I know it makes no sense. Welcome to my OCD head.

I am now to the point where I have very little patience for other human beings. You need sleep for a reason. I don't find myself acting on how on edge I feel, but I find myself THINKING far more mean and horrible things when I have gone this long on an insomnia kick. I like sleep. And all of you out there who fall asleep quickly, and sleep through the night, need to count your blessings.

I just had one of my dates cancel for tonight. Usually that would annoy me. But I'm so damn tired that I'm actually happy to get to go home, roast some brussel sprouts and cook up some swiss chard, and munch on food in my jammies and just veg out. The thought of having to entertain anyone tonight is about the furthest thing from fun I can think of.

I have a coffee date tomorrow morning which will be perfect, 'cause it'll give me an excuse to have a second cup of caffeine in the day, which I usually do not allow myself to do. Saturday evening I have a date with Trouble. Then Sunday I have a brunch date with a chubby fella who is so damn sweet. I am looking forward to all of the dates, mostly because none of them go in to the late night. I need my late nights to drift off in to slumber.

When I first got sober I had this problem bad. I had been using alcohol to help me sleep for so long (or more accurately pass the fuck out) that I had forgotten how bad my insomnia really was. It goes in waves. I will be really happy when this wave is over.

Happy picture of the day: I love these fake motivational posters, and this one is fitting today.

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Dear Blues

I want you to know that you should probably go ahead and give up on trying to make me one of those people who feel sorry for herself, or is constantly in a slump. No matter how many times I wake up and notice that you are with me something fierce, I will ALWAYS defeat you. ALWAYS.

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I am going to get back in to my meditation schedule that I have been so sorrowfully neglecting, as things were going well and I let it pass by the wayside. But no more. I am going to do all that I can do to keep my rose bushes flourishing, and flowers in my home beautiful, so that I am armed with the necessary weapons to battle the depression you think you can conquer me with. It's not going to work.

I am stronger than you. Hell, I'm stronger than almost anyone/anything I've ever come across. Although at times I may not know it, I know it right this minute, and that counts.

I will battle you with new frilly dresses that I don't really need, but find on sale at TJ Maxx for $24.99. Thank you Cynthia Rowley for making such wonderful things. This is a twirly dress I am wearing today. And I will twirl if it takes every god damned bit of energy I have in my body. I will skip. I will dance. I will give you, the blues, the finger and stick my tongue out at you. You sir, are an asshole.

I need you to realize that it's not your fault that you try and make me in to a miserable human being. You're just doing your job. Nothing short of a labotomy will make you ever go away for real, and permanently. No matter what, I will do my best to put on my fighting face when you are around. And even in the times when I don't feel brave, and I feel lost, I will gouge your eyes out. I will do so from the floor if need be as I lay in a ball in tears, feeling almost utterly destroyed.

You can not do this to me, and hopefully there are other people who come in to contact with you that will do much the same. We will collectively obliterate you. You are a menace and I'm over you.

For the past year I've had a "ride it out peacefully and let it go at its own pace" mentality. For now, that is no longer my chosen path. I will cheer myself up. I will call on friends to help remind me of what life is like, when there is joy. I will remember to make my gratitude lists, which I haven't done in far too long. I will wear more clothes like today, where I kind of slightly resemble Rainbow Brite. I will do what I need to do, because I will win. I am a winner. You are a loser. I will put you in your place, and you will stay there. Depression is a lying fucktard. I have to remember that.

Happy picture of the day: my new dress. I am wearing this paired with bright pink tights, and patent leather charcoal gray flats. It is obnoxious, and it is fabulous, and it is kicking the ass of the blues as I type.

Food Obsessive Fatty

Of all of the things I am working on right now (which is a ton as I have so many issues that I often joke that I should come in a subscription package) the one most important to me is breaking my obsession with food/calories/weight. I know it may be shocking that someone of my size has this obsession, which is why I'm writing about it. It is probably my most difficult thing to talk about, as I am deeply ashamed of it. I contantly talk about how I'm not ashamed of anything, and this is somewhat true. But my obsessive stuff is still something that I have a sick feeling I should be smart enough to overcome. What's the use of having a genius IQ if you can't use it to outsmart your warped brain? I know that doesn't make any sense, but still.

I have gone about six months without writing down everything I put in my mouth (don't be nasty). It has been really hard (shut up), and since I have gained 9 pounds in those months, it has been REALLY hard (I'm being serious here guys. Stop being gross) not to get back in to the old habit. I do not want to operate like someone with an eating disorder, so I'm trying to just be normally thoughtful of what goes in to my body, and not obsess. It isn't working.

I used to weigh myself every Sunday, but tried to switch to only once a month. This didn't work so for now I'm weighing myself every other Sunday. Baby steps with these things I say. For some reason I have a number in my head that I should weigh. What's weird is it is nowhere near some "healthy weight" made up by doctors. It's just some number I've become comfortable with, and now focus on unhealthily, thinking it is what I need to weigh to feel okay about myself. I'm not there and I hate it. I will get back there in the next few weeks and stay there, no matter what I have to do. Any time I get more than 5 pounds over it I get terribly depressed. But I know how I got there, and it's stress eating.

I didn't work out for two weeks when my back was at its worst. I just got back in to it and I never thought I'd feel so great, being so damned sore. Another thing is if I miss too many workouts, I punish myself by working out way harder than I should. I can barely raise my right arm right now, and my thighs are so on fire sitting down is fun to say the least. And even though I know I could've injured myself, my brain doesn't work that way. I think, "This is what you needed to do. You can't go two weeks without working out and then not pay for it." Sick? Yes. It is what it is.

I am to the point where I think I can TASTE preservatives in food. It may sound like nonsense but it's true. Any sort of chemical item used in cooking and my palate knows it's in there. I am really trying to not go overboard with all or nothings, which is what my obsessions tend to make me do, with food. I want to be able to still occasionally go out to Vietnamese food where I have no clue where the meat came from, and I love it. I know that if I don't keep things in check I will become one of those people that so limits what they eat they can never go out and have fun. That is so not my style.

I don't want to make it seem like I don't like myself just the way I am, because most of the time I do. But I have found that in most circumstances, my obsessions and compulsions always win over my, "But it's okay that you do _______ Melanie." I can feel myself getting more and more healthy, slowly, as time goes by and I force myself in to uncomfortable situations, but I just feel like I should be doing better, more quickly. That's another one of my issues. I'm never good enough. Other people can be flawed and I love them. I am really, really hard on myself.

When I am depressed I also stress eat, and eat things I would NEVER eat otherwise. Speaking of chemicals, I had two 1 oz. bags of Cheetohs, and two Snicker bars last week. These are things that I would never have in my house, but as something arises that makes me upset, I wander to the machines at work and think, "One candy bar is totally okay." But then once I get a taste for it I just want more. It's a pretty ugly cycle, so I try to stay away from that kind of food altogether.

Of all my weird systems, obsessions, organizing tasks, etc. the food one is the one that I am most sad about. I don't want to be this way. I don't mind that in my house everything has its place. I don't care that in the shower I have to do everything in the same exact order or I'll forget. I am totally cool with having to wipe down my cubicle once a week with Clorox wipes. I am not cool with hating myself for not eating healthy 100% of the time or working out enough. That to me, for some reason, puts me in a class with dumb women who should have more important things to worry about, like just being a good person. I hate myself for it. I'm working on it. But I think I need to work harder. And there I go again. :)

I almost didn't post this because I realize how pathetic I sound, and how much it probably doesn't make sense to anyone who doesn't suffer from some sort of anxiety disorder, but you know what? This is how I'm feeling right now, so I can't be afraid to put it out there and just let it go. What's the purpose of having this outlet if I don't use it?

Happy picture of the day: it's skirt weather! I didn't even have to wear a coat on the walk in to work this morning! Yes, I wear Converse without socks. I call them my summer socks. Do I look smug or bored? I'd rather look smug. I'm feeling like today is a smug sort of day. I refuse to let it be boring.

I'm Fat, And That's Okay

Hi, my name is Melanie, and I'm a fatty. I am not unhealthy. I do not have diabetes nor am I on my way to having it. My blood pressure is wonderful. I eat whole foods. I work out four days a week. I monitor my calories to keep them under 1600, and my fat grams under 20, five days a week. I splurge on the weekends and have eggs and bacon, or a burger, or ice cream, or whatever else it is I want. I am not on a diet. I eat in a way that makes me feel good every day. You do not need to tell me, "You are not fat." I am fat. Fat is an adjective which describes me, and I'm owning it. I am 5' 9" and weigh 219 right now. I wear an 18 pant, a 16 dress, and a 12/14 top. I'm not trying to lose weight. I've gained and lost and gained and lost and this seems to be where my body is comfortable. So instead of fighting it and doing unhealthy things in order to try and look the way society thinks I should, I decided to just be healthy instead. Mission accomplished.

Studies show that 95% of people who diet, gain the weight back. Those who don't have to live like someone with an eating disorder. I am not interested in starving myself so that people will think I am healthy. I know that I will do far more harm to my body fad dieting and dropping weight, then gaining again, so I choose not to do that. Also, I have never met a person who lost a few pounds and suddenly all their problems were solved. I decided to be happy with who I am, and who I can be in the future, without taking a number on a scale in to consideration. That doesn't mean I don't weigh myself. I do. I don't wish to be any bigger than I am. But I don't wish to be any smaller either. If my eating and working out cause me to lose weight, I'm okay with that. I'm okay if that doesn't happen too. So far it hasn't, so I don't see a skinny Melanie anywhere in my future, and that's just fine with me.

I am constantly working on not judging other folks based on appearance. It is hard not to look at someone and assume you know how they live their life. But it's also a huge waste of time. How sick is it to look at someone else and judge them because you think they live an unhealthy lifestyle? Pretty dang sick. I don't know that that skinny girl needs to eat a sandwich. She's probably in the same place I am. She may want to gain weight and her metabolism just won't allow her to no matter what she does. It's time for women to be empathetic and supportive, rather than catty and judgmental. If we spent more time working on being good people and liking ourselves, we wouldn't have to worry about what Tom, Dick, and Harry are doing. 'Cause it wouldn't be important. We need to stop making comparisons, and just work on us.

How about instead of saying to someone, "Wow, have you lost weight?" We just say to them, "Wow, you are looking hot today. You're glowing!" Take weight out of the equation.

Our society pushes that fatties like me are an epidemic. We are causing your healthcare to be more expensive. We are ruining the world. Well, I'd like to see the evidence. There are just as many thin unhealthy folks, as fat ones. I, for one, am not buying the BMI that says "You're obese." I am fat. I am healthy. People can live with it. I know I can.

I don't work out at a gym, because I think running on a moving sidewalk is weird. I think riding on a bike that goes nowhere is ridiculous. I don't need an elliptical machine. We seem to be the only society obsessed with gyms. If you love the gym, more power to you. I need to run outside. I have to ride a real bike. I work out with weights in my back yard. The only machine I use to help with my fitness is my wii fit, for when I want to have a day of yoga, and silly cardio stuff. I like my wii fit. It's fun and it's nice for when the weather isn't cooperating.

I don't eat "lite" or diet foods, except for Smart Ones and Lean Cuisines, which I eat because I'm lazy. I hope to phase those out of my diet in the next year or so. I believe in eating normal things like butter, full fat ice cream, and other things in moderation. I believe in enjoying the food you eat and appreciating while you are chewing. I believe in mindful eating and thinking about how food is nurturing your body, while you eat.

Most of all, I believe in working to fight stereotypes. I do not go home and stuff my face full of twinkies. I do not sit on the couch with a 64 oz. soda in my hands watching Housewives. Weight loss is not a simple calculation of "calories in/calories out." Metabolisms vary. People vary. Not everyone needs to look like you. It would be a mighty boring world if they did.

That's me, working out in the back yard with a 20 lb. kettlebell. Behind the kettlebell is my huge belly, and holding the kettlebell is a large arm. It's a fit body, but it's not a stereotypically fit body. I'm coming to terms with it. I wish other people could do the same.

Take Your Medicine

This post is totally biased and completely my own beliefs. I'm not trying to convert anyone, or tell you what you are doing is wrong. You just might want to think about things before you rush to the doctor to get on another round of antibiotics. American medicine is wonderful in some ways, and ass backwards in others.

I think that it is miraculous how far we've come in as far as medical technology is concerned. Pace makers, chemo therapies that rid the body of cancer, organ transpants, and the laundry list of other things that save lives. All of these things are lovely and I'm glad that we have them. But I am of the belief that if we eat right and treat our bodies well, going the preventitive route, we can cut back greatly on our doctor visits.

Pharmaceutical companies and hospitals make a killing off of people who aren't well. My mom used to work oncology at a large hospital here in town. Every year the pharm reps would take them out to lunch or dinner and push their goods. They would shut down a whole restaurant and talk to the hospital staff about their goods.

Why am I writing all this crap? Because I went to get some Chinese tea and herbs yesterday, and it made me think about how rarely I go to the doctor. I generally find a holistic item to help me with what ails me, when I can. I do that because there is something sinister seeming about doctors. Also, I believe in the health at every size movement. Every doctor I visit seems to ask, "Are you trying to lose weight?" No, but I am trying to live a healthy life where I ingest good things and move my body in a way that I enjoy a few times a week. That answer never makes them smile. I had one doctor who wanted to test my blood sugars and cholesterol every time I went in. I said, "My blood pressure is better than yours. If you'd like to go race around the parking lot and see who wins, or have a weightlifting contest, I'm more than willing to take you on." He had no response and went on with how I was on the verge of diabetes. Really? 'Cause my blood sugars are better than normal. Oh, that's right, I weigh 215 so you don't need any sort of facts to explain why you think I'm on the verge of diabetes. There are just as many unhealthy thin folks as fat folks, but that's a whole 'nother post.

Doctors want me to be on a few meds for my anxiety disorder and other issues. I have refused because I find that I can function enough to get by. I have no problem with people taking meds to help them maintain their sanity. Some of my best friends take anti-depressants and mood stabilizers. They just aren't for me. I have been tempted, believe me. But until the day that I can't take it anymore without them, I'll continue to drink tea and meditate.

For some the hospital is a necessity. I'm not preaching don't ever go seek medical attention. I'm just saying if you cut out some of the shitty processed garbage, and ate a lot of greenery, antioxidants, and super foods, you may be able to cut back on some copay action and feel better in general. I usually don't push authors, but of all the things I've read, Michael Pollan seems to have the right idea. He is the one who doesn't seem to have a blatant agenda (although I'm sure he does just like everyone else). For a quick idea of his stuff I suggest reading Food Rules. My favorite one is: "Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants." His funnier ones crack me up too though like, "If it comes through your car window, it's not food." He does seem to lean that thin is better, but the rest of what he has to say totally rings true to me.

Here is a picture of huang-lian. It is a Chinese herb that is supposed to help those who have had their gall bladder removed. Apparently it tastes horrible so you just put a tiny pinch in with your tea. It detoxifies. I am excited to have found it thanks to a friend doing some research for me.

huang lian



Alcoholics Anonymous

Like many other people, I had preconceived notions about the program of AA before I got sober. I thought it was cultish. I assumed it was just a substitute addiction for folks and a crutch. I thought that while it pretended to support all spiritual beliefs, it was a highly Christian leaning organization that I would never be able to relate to. Well, I can admit that I was wrong.

Now, I'm not saying there aren't people who have made AA a whole 'nother codependent place to be unhealthy. There definitely are. There are assholes in AA just like larger society. There are bible thumpers, and people who I most certainly don't aspire to be like. It is a microcosm of society in general and as such, there are going to be people in the program that I just don't get. The difference is, that even the biggest asshole in AA, is better than most people I encounter outside the rooms.

I have often said that everyone would benefit from a 12 step program of some sort. If you really do the work, it does so much more than just keep you from drinking. I have grown in so many ways with my involvement in the recovery community. Ways that I never would have imagined when I was out there drinking.

I am way more honest than I ever was. I simply don't lie. I think that lying is an energy suck and a waste of time. Keeping up with lies requires a skill and effort that, although I was good at it, I simply don't have the time to spend on it anymore. So I simply don't do it. Often times when a friend asks a question or for advice I first say, "Do you really want to know the answer to that, or what I think? Because if you're just looking for someone to agree with you, or a yes man, feel free to retract your request for advice." I don't sugar coat things, and I'm very up front. I don't lie to my boyfriend, or any of my friends about things relating to our relationship, or how I feel about them. When they make me mad, they know it. I also am working on not giving unwarranted advice. If someone is venting to you, don't tell them what you think unless they asked. No one cares what you think about their relationship situation, unless they've specifically told you so. This I find, is the hardest one to do. When I catch myself saying, "Well, I would do this..." I try to then say, "How arrogant of me. Who cares what I would do? What do you think your next steps will be?"

In the program is where I found Buddhism and meditation in ways which I was never able to explore before. Because of this my anxiety and OCD issues have improved drastically. If I want to skip a week of mopping and go do something on a Sunday, I can do so and not freak out the whole next week about how dirty the floors are. I can go to a crowded store to shop, whereas before I would almost stop breathing if there were too many people in the space around me.

For me, AA is a place I can go and be 100% myself, and know that I will be supported. Although I feel that in the outside world on occasion, I ALWAYS feel it at a meeting. Last night I drove out to Elk Grove to my old home group, and it was exactly what I needed to adjust my attitude. It helps me realize that as humans, not just as addicts/alcoholics, we have far more similarities than differences.

I am totally honest about the fact that I occasionally go to bars, and have even been known to take friends on pub crawls to places they usually wouldn't be able to get out to, because they can't drink and drive. I used to be a huge drunk driver. I did it 100s of times and it landed me in jail. I am hoping I never drunk drive again. My friends that drink are really fun to be around when drinking, and I know that they are not alcoholics like I am. I enjoy occasionally hanging out at bars and places where most folks in recovery think you should not go. It works for me. So I'm workin' it.

I like that I found a place that will help me to stay sober. I know I can't do it alone. The thing I'm working on now is really reaching out when I need help. I have a hard time with it. I feel like at this point I should be able to self soothe. I should be able to handle stuff without having to burden those around me when I can't stop crying, or I am so mad I want to rip someone's throat out. (Ooh, I just thought of Mortal Kombat when I wrote that. I miss that game). I know my friends and my sponsor are there for me if I could just pick up the phone and utter the words, "Hey, I need you right now." I'm working on it. I'll probably be working on it 'til the day I die.

I am not ashamed that I am an alcoholic. I don't blurt it out inappropriately, but I do bring it up when conversation warrants. I think it's important to let people know that I'm not just not drinking because I'm the DD. I'm not drinking because I CAN'T drink. This made me very angry at first. I felt like a first grader wanting to stomp my feet and say, "This isn't fair!" But life's not fair. The things that I have achieved in the last two years and ten months have surpassed anything I ever thought my life would be like. I honestly thought I'd be dead by now, and the sad thing is, I was totally okay with that. Now I'm happy that I get to stick around to annoy people for many, many more years.



Happy picture of the day: I took this on the walk in to work the other day. It just looked so pretty. It also reminded me of Alfred Hitchcock.

Please don't poop on my head.

Sunday Post

I usually take Sunday off, but since Monday's post is about movies and nothing at all about how this weekend has been for me, I just wanted to get some stuff off my chest. This blog is like my journal and I want it to represent the good AND the bad. Today's will be the bad.

I have spent the last two days erupting in to random crying fits. It all started when my boyfriend took pics of me yesterday morning for a project I'm going to be doing, sending my baby blue furry coat around the country a la Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. I always have a hard time having my picture taken, but I much prefer candid shots. Posing for pictures is really hard for me, because I know I'm not going to like what I see for the most part. I see myself as a spunky, vivacious gal full of life. I photograph most of the time as an ugly fat girl. The girl I saw in the viewfinder made me cry. I was able to hold it in 'til the boyfriend left a few hours after taking the pictures, but the thought of them has been making me cry all weekend. I'm even crying again right now. He showed me those pictures and I could stand 2 out of 10 of them. The rest I wanted to scream, "That is not me! I do not feel like I have that belly! I do not feel like I have that chin!" But I must, right? It's a camera, not a carnival mirror.

What makes me the most sad about it is I always think when I'm out people must see me how I see myself: a funny gal with a glow to her who has the knack for bringing a smile to people's faces. The girl who can do an hour workout with a 20 pound kettlebell and 15 pound barbells. The lady who fought through a lot and now is well on her way to actually having her shit together. But when I see the pics all I think is: is this how people really see me? The gut and the hangy chin and the sausage fingers? I know it's my perception, which I fear will never be healthy. Even when I WAS that super cute girl, I never appreciated it like I appreciate myself now. Why did I hate the soccer player with the muscly legs so? Why did it take so much work for me to get comfortable in the skin I'm in, then one thing can turn it all around even if only for a day or two, and make me hate myself with a vigor that scares me?

I know this will pass. I know that it has way more to do with the fact that life is going well and there's that sick part of me that doesn't think I deserve it. But right now I just want to curl up in a ball and punch myself in the face so that I can feel something other than this sadness.

I also feel horrible because how unfair is it that I have a boyfriend, who's a photographer, who I can barely allow to point his camera at me? The part I left out about the SF trip was him pulling his camera out when I was in the motel bed, and me flipping him off and hiding under the covers because I didn't want him to take my picture. He has so many ideas for photo shoots he wants to do with me. He finds me attractive. I've told him, "Yes, let's do that!" but I am so afraid when I actually do, I'll feel like this again.

I am working so hard to just accept that this is how I look. I don't want to be a 70 year old woman who says, "I was so cute in my 30s" as I am the 37 year old who says, "I was so cute in my 20s." I want to feel that way now, dammit! Truth be told, sometimes I do. Just not today. Most of the time I feel like I look like this. I like this Melanie.

I realize you can see my bra. I don't crop or photoshop pics. Plus, I'm hella classy so a bra showing kinda fits.

This is what I REALLY look like every day. I like this Melanie too. She has a fuller face, and a weird chin going on, but she's okay. I don't need to cry over her anymore. Not to say I won't, but I know I don't need to.

I make kissy faces at the cats. I can totally admit that.

I didn't want to let this pass and write a post tomorrow about movies. I want this blog to be an honest portrayal of me. A journal of sorts. I need to not be afraid to post when I feel like crap. Today, for the moment, I feel like crap.