Anxiety

I talk a ton about people not sweating the small stuff, and how you should really put things in to perspective. The problem is, I have a broken ass brain, that causes me to sweat tons of small stuff. Some of them I force myself to face head on as they are not things I will just accept, but some of them are stuff that will freak me out for the rest of my life and there's nothing I can do about it. The way I see it, as long as they don't impact my life too greatly, or cause grief to others, what's the big deal? I have a pretty extreme anxiety disorder. I am really open and honest about it, but I am also really good about internalizing it so if I didn't come out and say, "That is that way because I need it to be" most people wouldn't realize I even have an issue. I try to phrase it like this for folks to understand, "You know how you have preferences: like you love a certain shampoo, or you like to drive to the store one certain way? Now imagine if not abiding by those preferences made you stress out so bad you got a migraine, or it made you puke. That's what anxiety disorder is in a nutshell."

My main anxiety stuff in short order:

Crowds: I hate them. I hate not being able to walk at a reasonable pace. I hate having to listen to asinine conversations of those around me. I hate being packed in like sardines. I especially hate if most of the crowd is drunk. Dealing with dumb drunk people makes me stabby. I am working on this one. I don't go to many live music shows anymore. If I do I just stand in back where it's not too crowded, or go to shows where there is assigned seating. The last time I stood up front a drunk girl messed with my friend and it took everything in my power to just stand there and not hospitalize said person.

Clutter - I can't stand it. Not at work, and most certainly not at home. People marvel at the order in which I keep my cubicle. If I even have one stack of papers not in its proper place it makes me start to get physically ill. This is something that I have come to accept. It's not a big deal to me or anyone else that the space I inhabit needs to be clean and free of debris.

Towels, bath products: I have very specific types of towels I use. Also, I can only use a very specific type of toothbrush. I always pack a towel when I travel. This includes going to Unicorn's house.

Coffee travel cup: I have a coffee cup, and it is the only cup that I can drink coffee from. I can use paper cups if I'm in a pinch, but I can not use any other reusable travel mug. I have a few ceramic mugs at home I can use, but this one travel cup is the only cup I can drink coffee from.

Pillows: I have to use two pillows when I sleep at night. I absolutely can not fall asleep with only one pillow under my head. I don't care if these are super fluffy pillows, down pillows, flat pillows, or whatever. But there must be two of them under my head.

Traffic: This is one I'm working on. The more I drive in bumper to bumper stop and go traffic, the less I want to yank my hair out. This is one I'm going to conquer. I can feel it in my bones.

These are just the few that come to mind because you know what? I never even realized any of this stuff was an issue, until other people started saying, "Did you notice that you.....?" Then I went to the doctor when I was around 9 and explained all of this and was diagnosed with about ten different kinds of crazy. I don't really see it as something holding me back. I see it as a defining part of who I am, but one that I choose to manage and make sense of the best I can. These kind of things only hold you back in so far as you let them. Now, that's not to say some people don't have debilitating anxiety way worse than mine, like the folks who can't bear to leave their homes. I'm just saying I don't. And I'm really glad for that.

What I really have a problem with is when someone says, "So and so says they have ________ wrong with them, but I don't see it." Umm, you don't have to see it. And yes, there are people who play up or even make up stuff that is wrong with them to get attention. But why do folks care so much? If you don't like it, just don't hang out with or talk to that person. You can't live inside someone's head or heart and know how something makes them feel, and why do you care to? I find that's usually someone's own issue. I have had people actually tell me to my face, "You are NOT bi-polar. If you were you would act like this...." Oh really? When did you get your degree in medicine? And why aren't you making more money so you can keep me in hummus and fresh veggies genius? Seriously, knock it off folks. Stop worrying about the crazy, or non-crazy of other people. The only crazy you need to worry about is your own.

Happy picture of the day: awesome neon signage. Too bad the food at this joint isn't as good as the sign is. I am glad it still exists though, 'cause it's an amazing building and sign.