Truth be told I had a very bad nervous breakdown Saturday before last. It involved binge drinking, crying, and waking up with bruises which I had no idea where they came from. And that was what prompted me to finally admit I needed help. I needed help and I needed to be on medication regularly. So I did it. I went to the doctor and got a prescription for Prozac. Unfortunately, they decided to put me on 20 mg. which made me in to a god damned basket case. So by last Saturday I could barely speak and my vision was blurry. I obviously stopped taking them. Went in for a follow-up appointment on this past Monday and was put on 10 mg. I take them every night with dinner. They make me very sleepy but that is the only side effect so far. I'm hoping that will taper off as my body gets used to the meds. In happy news, I'm too damned tired to be anxious. (That's humor y'all. Laugh).
I am really happy that I have supportive friends in my life who I can laugh about being on my "crazy" pills with and who love me no matter what. I am happy I finally stopped being stubborn and thinking I had to be strong enough to conquer this shit without medication. I'm not strong enough. I am physically exhausted from battling with my never ending, running nonstop brain. I know it will take 4-6 weeks for me to see the effects of my medication so I'm being patient, and patience is NOT one of my strong suits. Shocker, I know.
I am putting this out there because being on medication is nothing to be ashamed about. If you talk to someone you know because you decided you needed some help, and they are anything but 100% supportive, run the other direction. True friends don't judge. And people that really love you don't make you feel bad because you admit that you just can't do life the way you always have, if it's not working anymore. I couldn't. And I'm glad I had Sean to cry to and who understood when I yelled at him, "I can't fucking do this anymore! I can't take it and I need help."
So I got help. And I'm hopeful. And I know that this is the hardest decision I have ever made, and I have made some pretty damned hard decisions. And I'm proud of myself. And nothing that anyone says or does can make me feel any less about myself because I am now on Prozac. And if in a month or two I don't see it helping I will try something else, and then something else, until I find something that works for me. I won't give up until I find it. Because living like I had been just wasn't working. I was a really good faker at pretending things were great, and I was fine, and things were hunky dory. But they weren't. They still aren't, but I have faith they will get there again.
Thanks to all the blogger friends who have emailed me in my blogging absence. You are all amazing and wonderful people. Thanks for letting me know you were thinking about me.
Kris has gone back to the UK. He left Wednesday and I already miss him. He was a great houseguest and when he comes back to the states I told him he is more than welcome to move in with me. I had my house concert and I was kind of a basket case as it was the day after my meltdown, but I powered through it with my head on Sean's shoulder and made the best of it. Life is going to get better. I am glad I made the decision I did.
Happy picture of the day: This is me with Kris and the boy he met and fell madly in like with, Tre. I have two new friends for life, and I'm glad for it.
Thanks Ash. And thanks for the email. It was nice to hear from you outside of blog land. I have faith that I will find something that works. The key is to not get frustrated and give up first. I'm really good at stuff like that. :)
ReplyDeleteIt takes strength to admit you need help. I'm a great faker, too, but that doesn't get us anywhere, does it?
ReplyDeleteI hope Prozac works well and quickly! Hugs :)
That picture is so cute :)
Thanks lady. I hope it works. But if it doesn't I'll keep trying other things until I find what does.
ReplyDeletehaha. I almost put up the "other" picture. The one that I texted to you yesterday. :)
I'm sorry you've been feeling so sucky, and I hope the medication starts to help soon. I hate when they tell you it'll take a while for them to kick in, I always want to say "Can't you just click your fingers and make it start working right now?"
ReplyDeleteRight? I am not a patient person. But I am going to give it about six weeks and see what happens.
DeleteMELANIE- I am so happy you are OK, and back. You never cease to amaze me, as always. You are 100% without a doubt a much stronger person to admit you need help, instead of pretending everything is great.
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts are there with you (and so are my prayers) Try to be patient with the process as I know it does take quite a while for the meds to take full effect. I have a very close friend who is on "The Zac" as she likes to call it. It's helped her tremendously. She lives a much happier, much more stable life now that she is medicated- and we are so thankful and grateful for that. But there is another of our friends who needs to be on meds so freaking bad, but she is just so dang stubborn and resistant to the idea. It's gotten really bad, to the point where we can't even be around her anymore. And it's heart breaking because we all know if she just took some meds, she'd be free.
Thanks jaybird. Funny thing is: I'm still a really good friend when not on meds 'cause I overcompensate 'cause I know how nuts I am. haha.
DeleteI am giving myself 4-6 weeks on the meds sans booze. We'll see if they help.
Glad to have you back. This couldn't have come at a more apropos time for me. I recently made the decision to stop battling my brain and go to a professional. I've resisted medication before but now I'm so beaten down by my own hand that I give up and need to take responsibility for my mental health.
ReplyDeleteOn a lighter note, look at you! You were resistant to a roommate and now, here you are inviting someone to be a roommate! Astounding turnaround.
Keep coming back!
I'm right there with you pickle. I just couldn't do it anymore. So I'm willing to just try what is suggested for a while and hope it helps.
DeleteHe was a perfect roommate is why. Super tidy and led his own life. I could live with someone like that for sure. Unfortunately, most roommates aren't like that.
I was wondering where you've been. I'm really glad that you got the help you needed. Good for you, and I hope the meds kick in soon!
ReplyDeleteThanks Bee!
DeleteGlad you're feeling better!
ReplyDeleteThanks Ally. We need a girl night soon. Raviolis!!
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ReplyDeleteOh wow, that does not sound good. But at least you had the sense to go and seek help as needed.
ReplyDeleteGet well soon!
I'm doing fine. Just really groggy from the meds. Hopefully that will wear off soon. Thanks for the well wishes!
ReplyDeleteIt sucks getting wrapped up in my own life that I can't be aware of what's going on in other lives. I'm sorry that you've been going through this and I am happy that you've taken the steps to get help!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad to see you back on the nets. I've missed you!
i think most of us have to reach our breaking point before we ask for help. oof! i am glad you got help. and very glad you have support around you!!!!
ReplyDeleteHey Mel. I don't have a lot of time but I wanted to write to you...this is essentially what happened to me last August/Sept. I was out on medical leave until March. Just started work again recently. Hang in there doll. Love you.
ReplyDeleteYou need to email me at the address in the profile so I can get in touch with you lady! Or email me at work.
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