Kismet

Last month I was completely broke for two weeks. During that two weeks people brought me food, gave me gas money, and bought me drinks. I was taken care of. And I know it's because when I have it to give, I do.

I have been thinking a lot about doing good deeds and how the universe will give back to you. And even though I am 100% smartass with a really inappropriate sense of humor, my heart is in a good place. I fully believe were that not the case, the last two weeks before payday would've been miserable.

This morning on the way to work there was an old guy in a wheelchair moving very slowly. He came to a cross walk and couldn't make it up the incline of the street. Without thinking I threw down the cigarette I was smoking and ran to him, turning around to push him across. The light turned green as I was doing this and I looked at the cars full of people who couldn't be bothered to help this man as if to say, "You are all fuckers and you WILL let us cross against this green." They did. I got him across and made sure he was good. As I waited to go back across the street at the next light a lady who had seen what I'd done said, "What you just did was sweet."

I wish less people would comment about how sweet someone else is being, and do the kind act themselves. The world would be a better place. And I know for certain it is my acting without thought and constantly doing such things, that make it so when I need help, I receive it without asking.

Happy picture of the day: I'm really glad I made peace with my mother and we now have a relationship, so we can share texts like this. I love my mom, and I miss my gma every day.

Being Truly Powerful

It is something I think about often. I think back to when I didn't like myself so much, and I thought power meant being able to manipulate others and put them under your thumb. I felt like I was so awesome because if you tried to belittle me, I could come back twelve times harder with my wit and snark and make you feel so small you almost disppeared. I thought it was funny when I could make a friend or lover do whatever I wanted. I am so glad those days are over.

To me, true power is knowing that you have the ability to exert your influence over others, and making sure that you never do. Now, I'm not saying not to exert any power. I like to exert the power of laughter, and light-heartedness, and to carry on a smile. I think that is the right kind of power to exert over others. If you are feeling blue, and I can make you smile, I feel powerful. If I can make you belly laugh, I feel like a god. And I'm okay with feeling powerful in this way.

I am glad that instead of hating those I see who think they have to belittle others, that I feel empathy for them. It is a miserable place to be. No amount of putting others down builds you up. And no amount of denial makes you truly believe that is happening. Hard work and learning to love yourself unconditionally is the only path to true happiness. Most people will never know such happiness.

I am thankful to all of the folks who help me along my journey. I am thankful to myself for getting out of the rut it would've been so easy to get stuck in. I am grateful for daily mindful meditation, and constant reminders that I am painfully flawed, and that's ok. As long as I acknowledge my wrongdoings I can learn from them.

My next post will be a silly one, I promise!

Happy picture of the day: you have no idea how happy it makes me that I have a gay friend named Jesus.

I Am Now A Proud Doggy Momma

After a few years of toiling with the idea of having a dog, I finally decided to take in a pit bull. Her name is Deja. I am both excited and nervous at the prospect of being a dog mommy. I mean, cats are easy. You just feed them and pet them now and then and *poof* you are an awesome cat momma. A dog requires daily walks, more vet visits, and WAY more attention. It's as close to having a child as I'll ever get. I know it's nothing like having an actual child, but it is more akin to being a parent than just having cats, that's for darn sure.

Now I can't just take off for a weekend and put extra food and water in bowls. I actually have to find a dog sitter. That is the reason I put off having a dog for so long. I didn't want to have to deal with being tethered to my home every weekend. But I figure this will save me money, and make me act far more grown up. 'Cause let's face it, I'm 38 going on 12 most of the time.

The dog has been my niece's since she was a pup. My niece just moved in to an apartment and has to keep her crated all day. She finally decided that wasn't fair so she needed to find the doggy a home. I couldn't bear to see Deja go with someone we didn't know. This way, if Ashlee ever gets a house more fitted to having a dog, she can have Deja back. I had Ashlee bring her over on Saturday. She has lived with cats before but I wanted to see if she interacted with or went after them. The cats are going to be pissed at me for about a month, but they'll get used to it.

While I'm at work the doggy door will be closed and Deja will have the run of my huge backyard. I have a shed with a doggy bed in it should she need shelter, and plenty of shade from the trees. She is a little portly as is the habit of folks who live in my home, so the extra exercise will do her well. The kitties will get used to being cooped up in the house all day. It'll give them respite from that new large creature who is invading their space.

So hesitantly I have agreed to be the new protector, care giver, and lover of this beautiful creature. I am very, very scared that I won't do a good job. I feel like maybe I'm not responsible enough to be in charge of another living being that isn't as easy to take care of as a cat. What's funny is she will be making me domestic more than I am her. I look forward to the rewards, and troubles, of being a new dog mommy.

This is Deja, and I'm already madly in love with her.

Well Howdy Do

I am going to make a conscious effort to post and read blogs at least once a week. I needed a break very badly and I got it, and now I'm in a much better space.

Truth be told I had a very bad nervous breakdown Saturday before last. It involved binge drinking, crying, and waking up with bruises which I had no idea where they came from. And that was what prompted me to finally admit I needed help. I needed help and I needed to be on medication regularly. So I did it. I went to the doctor and got a prescription for Prozac. Unfortunately, they decided to put me on 20 mg. which made me in to a god damned basket case. So by last Saturday I could barely speak and my vision was blurry. I obviously stopped taking them. Went in for a follow-up appointment on this past Monday and was put on 10 mg. I take them every night with dinner. They make me very sleepy but that is the only side effect so far. I'm hoping that will taper off as my body gets used to the meds. In happy news, I'm too damned tired to be anxious. (That's humor y'all. Laugh).

I am really happy that I have supportive friends in my life who I can laugh about being on my "crazy" pills with and who love me no matter what. I am happy I finally stopped being stubborn and thinking I had to be strong enough to conquer this shit without medication. I'm not strong enough. I am physically exhausted from battling with my never ending, running nonstop brain. I know it will take 4-6 weeks for me to see the effects of my medication so I'm being patient, and patience is NOT one of my strong suits. Shocker, I know.

I am putting this out there because being on medication is nothing to be ashamed about. If you talk to someone you know because you decided you needed some help, and they are anything but 100% supportive, run the other direction. True friends don't judge. And people that really love you don't make you feel bad because you admit that you just can't do life the way you always have, if it's not working anymore. I couldn't. And I'm glad I had Sean to cry to and who understood when I yelled at him, "I can't fucking do this anymore! I can't take it and I need help."

So I got help. And I'm hopeful. And I know that this is the hardest decision I have ever made, and I have made some pretty damned hard decisions. And I'm proud of myself. And nothing that anyone says or does can make me feel any less about myself because I am now on Prozac. And if in a month or two I don't see it helping I will try something else, and then something else, until I find something that works for me. I won't give up until I find it. Because living like I had been just wasn't working. I was a really good faker at pretending things were great, and I was fine, and things were hunky dory. But they weren't. They still aren't, but I have faith they will get there again.

Thanks to all the blogger friends who have emailed me in my blogging absence. You are all amazing and wonderful people. Thanks for letting me know you were thinking about me.

Kris has gone back to the UK. He left Wednesday and I already miss him. He was a great houseguest and when he comes back to the states I told him he is more than welcome to move in with me. I had my house concert and I was kind of a basket case as it was the day after my meltdown, but I powered through it with my head on Sean's shoulder and made the best of it. Life is going to get better. I am glad I made the decision I did.

Happy picture of the day: This is me with Kris and the boy he met and fell madly in like with, Tre. I have two new friends for life, and I'm glad for it.

Oh, The Nerves of Some People!

That s is supposed to be there in the word nerves. I am talking about my own nerves, which are so on edge I feel like at this very moment they may pop through my skin and start attacking others. You see, I am applying for a new job today. And it's not just any old job.

For my entire history in state service I have always taken any job I could get that would be a promotion. I took the job I currently have because it is in the agency I want to work in. It's the agency my educational background is in, and it is a place I have a lot of passion for. However, I took my current job just to get my foot in the door. I do not have any passion for the job I currently have, and sometimes it's all I can do just to get dressed and get here every day.

On Thursday I saw a job announcement for our Nutrition Services Divsion. Childhood nutrition is something I feel extremely passionate about. The way I see most people feeding their children, and the food offered in most schools, makes me gaggy. This job would be in monitoring the current nutrition programs in place in our state. But more importantly, it is a secondary level management position where I could start on what my ultimate goal is, which is writing and appealing to legislation about the way our food programs in schools are currently run.

This is the first time I have applied for a job in my life, where not getting it would crush me. I redid my resume, went over my application with a fine-toothed comb, and even did a cover letter, which is not regular protocol when applying for state service. The thing is: I need these people to know that not only do I qualify for this position, but I would be the best damn person this position has ever seen. I full believe that.

I have been applying for jobs for over six months. All the jobs I have been applying for have been promotional save a few lateral ones. All of the laterals I would have accepted were in nutrition services. But here's the other thing about this job: it would mean a pay raise of 1000 dollars a month take home. If I were to get it I would never have to worry about money again.

The application is sitting on my desk in an inter-agency envelope. The deadline is February 8th so I plan on hand delivering it tomorrow. You see, I probably have to look it over about 100 more times before I can let it leave my hands. I have had people review all of my paperwork and give me help on more effective wording and so on. I have been so panicky just writing this out makes me want to puke. I don't just want this job, this would be my actual dream job. All of the years in state service toiling over things I did which I had no passion for, would be behind me. I could have a job that pays well, with great benefits, and a fabulous retirement, THAT I ALSO LOVE. This is huge. And I'm not handling it very well.

I know if I can just get the interview, and they don't have a definite front-runner already in the Division that they want to hire, the job is mine. I am personable, and I know the extent to which I want this job will show in my face and in my words, and they won't be able to help but hire me. I'm that confident. At the same time, I know my anxiety issues. I know that no matter how familiar I am with an interview question, I tend to trip over my words and sound like an idiot at times. I sometimes leave an interview then just say out loud the exact answer I should've given while sitting in front of that panel. But I also know having sat on interview panels, that personality generally pushes someone past other folks who may have more experience or may answer questions like the answers were built in to their very being. I am counting on that.

So I'm asking everyone to keep me in your positive thoughts. This job would pull so many layers of my daily worries and strife back. It would allow me to be completely financially stable. It would allow me to pay off all of my debt. It would allow me to get up in the morning and smile as I am getting ready for work, rather than scowl. It would allow me to be a more pleasant person to my boyfriends and friends, who would have to listen to far less complaining about how not satisfying I feel in my work life. It would mean the world to me. I am going to get this job dammit. And my red stapler is coming with me!

Happy picture of the day: my red Swingline. He is a stately fellow, and he deserves to be in a better office.

I'm Gonna Talk About Authenticity. Go Ahead And Barf Now.

I know how many people are tired of hearing folks talk about being your "authentic" self. But much like people getting sick of the bullying talks, I think the topic always has, and always will have, merit. I used to have a sticker on my car that said, "It is better to be hated for who you are, than loved for who you are not." Now, I hate lofty bumper sticker quotes as much as the next person, but that statement rings more true to me than almost any quote I've ever heard.

The vast majority of people I have come across in life are people pleasers. They live in fear that if they say what they really think, or dress how they really feel comfortable dressing, the repercussions will be great. I argue that if you do things to please others, to the detriment of being yourself, the repercussions are far greater.

I used to live a life where I hid my true self. I acted dumber, I acted calmer, I acted like what the normal kids were doing interested me, I toned down my sense of humor so I wasn't funnier than anyone else, and I did many other things that led me to a life where I was always ashamed. That shame caused me to do many self destructive things.

I am not saying all people who hide who they really are go in to a shame spiral, but you can totally tell who they are when you go out because they seem a little less sure of themselves. They nervously laugh only after everyone else has started laughing so they have the okay that, "Yes, that was really funny." They hold themselves awkwardly and rarely make eye contact. I feel really sorry for them. Some people go through their whole lives like that.

I have completely stopped spending time with any and all people pleasers because they are the ones that will turn on you in a heartbeat. They will listen if someone else tells them they should think a certain way about a religion, a food product, a person, or a store. They don't have the strength to think for themselves. They are totally swayable about the latest fad and are the first ones to have teased you for black nail polish in high school, but then spend 20 dollars on a high end black nail polish 'cause they saw an actor wear it.

My mom is a people pleaser. I spent my whole life with a woman who would shush me in public because "people could hear me." I never understood because those people didn't know us, and we would probably never see them again, so who the hell cared what they thought? This from the same woman who didn't care if someone in the family felt they were slighted. But slight a perfect stranger? She wouldn't DREAM of it. It made me learn that looking perfect on the outside didn't matter. Trying to be good to the ones you loved did, and it doesn't really matter if everyone else thinks you're a goddamned loon. Sadly, it didn't make me learn it right off the bat. It had been engrained in my being and I wasn't able to shed it until I was in my 30s. I was always the "weird" kid, but I was still the people pleaser in high school in college, even though in secret I was getting in fights and doing tons of drugs and other stuff I shouldn't have been.

Right now I am mentoring a young girl. A girl who has anxiety so bad she pulls out her eyebrows and eyelashes. She has to leave school at least once a week because something will freak her out so badly she can't function. I remember being there. I invited her mother and her over so I could say, "It may not look like much, but this is my home and I have a good job. I came out the other side and even though I still struggle, you can do whatever the hell you want. Don't let anyone tell you different." There is only so much help a counselor can give you. Someone who has been there can help so much more.

If there's one thing I have to say to anyone out there who worries what people think of you I would say this: do whatever you need to do to be able to wake up every morning and look in the mirror and say, "Today I'm going to do the best I can. If I do something I'm ashamed of I'll ponder on it and fix it. If I do something other people are ashamed of that I'm not, they can totally suck it!" What? You didn't think this was going to be all serious and inspirational did you? That would most certainly not be authentic Melanie. :)

Happy picture of the day: When Molly pokes her head through the blinds and stares out the window for hours I dub her "emo cat."

Everything Is Gonna Be Alright

The moment I typed that Bob Marley got stuck in my head. I am one of the only people on the planet who DOES NOT like Bob Marley, so that is not such a pleasant thing.

I met up with Kris last night. He's a 27 year old fella from the UK who came here to check things out because he's thinking of relocating to the states. He was staying with a friend for free, but then the friend needed to take in another friend so Kris was going to be moved to the couch for a month. Not wanting to live in someone's living room, he put a message up on Couchsurfing.com that he was looking for a place to stay until February 21st and could help out with rent. He really didn't want to go home early but that was his other option. So I will have a housemate for a month, starting Monday. This should be REALLY interesting. I do not share space well. I like my things very much just so, and I am extremely tidy. But the extra money I'm going to get from him will lift some of my stresses, so it's worth it. He seems very nice and I think we'll do just fine.

I have been mulling over taking in a full time roommate for a year. But the more I think about it, the more I know I just can't do it. I will just make it work and cut some more corners. I get my tax return next month, and that can help with the finances until I get my step raise in April. But hopefully I won't get that step raise 'cause I'll actually have a new job by then. I have been applying like mad and still not even an interview. But I'm gonna keep plugging on.

The outpouring of texts, emails, and kind comments these last few days has meant so much to me. I'm still feeling really stressed and freaked out, but it's nothing like the place I was in on Tuesday. There is a glimmer of hope starting to rise in my heart. I didn't sleep for shit last night and I'm exhausted, but at least I don't think I am going to burst in to tears every other second, so that's nice.

I meditated last night for the first time in far too long. I centered myself and when I was done I made a list of all the things I am grateful for, which is a very large list. I am not embarrassed about my freak out. I'm actually kind of proud of it. I didn't hold it in and keep it a secret. While I am very open and honest on here, because it feels safe, I am not very open when I'm vulnerable with my friends in real life. I usually just pretend I'm totally fine, and cry by myself at home. I now realize that sucks way worse than just letting it all out and getting some feedback and support.

We are not going to be able to do the blogger get together in a few months. I talked with Heather and some of the other gals and financially it's just not really an option for any of us right now. But just know, any time any of you want to come to Northern California there is a great guest room with your name on it. We could go to San Francisco for a day and run around some really cool places in Sacramento. I just can't even think about trying to save up money for a trip right now. Maybe next year. Maybe when I actually get my promotion and make enough money to not be strapped at the end of the month. Great, now Bob Marley is out of my head but I am envisioning strap-ons. Oh, my brain!

Happy picture of the day: this. Because this will always make me laugh.

My Struggle Will Never Be Over

Hi, my name is Melanie, and I have a borderline OCD anxiety disorder. For many years I drank/drugged/self abused it away in any way I could. I didn't deal with it at all. I did whatever I could to numb myself and distract myself so that I didn't have to pay any attention to it. When I was young I would worry about things most kids didn't. I took to a habit of rubbing my hands as an act of self-soothing. But I would rub so hard I would rub off layers of skin and it would hurt so bad I couldn't pick things up. I would rub my neck, my chest, my arms, and other places to give my fingers and palms of my hands a rest. I started cutting when I was in my early teens but I really hated the scarring and so I stopped that completely. The release it gave me couldn't compete with how stressed I got leaving marks on myself. After high school I went off the deep end with drugs. Ecstacy, and LSD were my favorites. Every weekend I went on a bender. I discovered crystal meth and cocaine. Then I discovered the kicker: heroin. I liked it so much that I only allowed myself to do it every few months because I refused to become a junkie. I almost died of an overdose, then did it one more time. I became a blackout drunk. I drank a huge bottle of Jameson in one sitting, and wouldn't remember hours of a day.

I got clean and stayed sober for three years. In that three years I got to know myself really well. I did everything I was told I was supposed to in order to understand why I drank and drugged like I did. I took in to account all of my own personal responsibility for why my life became such a mess. Slowly but surely, I fixed it. I am in no way perfect, but I developed coping mechanisms, and I am thankful for that three years. I started drinking on occasion about a year ago. I have done well with it. I have had a bottle of Jameson on my counter since Xmas and have only made two drinks out of it. I would have NEVER had a bottle last that long before. I drink like a normal person. I remember what happened the night before. I don't wake up with blazing hangovers. It's awesome.

My anxiety sometimes seems like it's getting worse, but I think that's only when I'm in the thick of it. I have challenged a lot of my anxiety triggers. I can go to public places that are more crowded and sometimes I can actually stay and hang out. I can drive to my folks' house in Elk Grove right in the middle of stop and go traffic. I can have people over my house and not die if more than ten people show up. But the one thing I know is: I will always have anxiety issues. I am never going to be one of those people for whom calm is a regular state of being. I freak out about things at least once an hour during my waking life. I just don't fly in to a panic attack all of the time like I used to.

I have given in to taking the occasional Xanax. I only take 1/2 at a time, and 10 pills will last me about three months. I don't ever want to take anything on a regular basis. I am just not comfortable being pill dependent. I know that if I were to get on a mood stabilizer I would probably operate better and life would be easier, but I won't do it. I won't do it until I am so crippled by my mood swings that I can't avoid it. I find that behavior modification, meditation, and acupuncture are working for me along with the occasional Xanax, and I'm cool with that.

The people around me are very good about helping me when I am in a panic mode. They know that sometimes we will be out and then all of a sudden I'll need to leave. They understand if I need to take a pill I'm not just doing it to disengage and not cope, I am doing it because if I don't I will go in to full panic mode and be down for the count for hours. I am having a house concert at the end of next month. A house concert that will be really hard for me. It's something I wouldn't even have attempted when I first bought my house. 40 some odd people in my tiny home. I know that night will be a Xanax night. I know that there is probably no way in hell I'm getting through that night without the help of pharmaceuticals. I'm trying to get more comfortable with the fact that I am not weak because I can't just calm myself down in some situations. My brain is broke. It's never not going to be broke. I still haven't accepted that, but I'm working on it.

What I am really thankful for is even through the really tough times when my anxiety made me feel defeated or depressed, I never acted out on the thoughts that people in my life would probably be better off without me here. A co-worker's friend just had their 16 year old son hang himself, and I can't imagine the sense of loss and hurt that that family must be going through, because that young boy thought that things were so harsh that he would be better off just ending it. My thoughts go out to his family and friends. No matter what goes on in my life and even if sometimes I just want to withdraw, I know that there is always a light out there and things to discover that I haven't yet experienced. I am glad I feel loved and know that no matter what I'm going through, I don't have to ever give up and go back to living a life where I didn't take care of myself and treat myself well.

Happy picture of the day: shame cat! Every time I see Roxy sleeping like this I ask her, "Oh, what have you done that you need to hide your face??" I've officially turned in to a cat person. I talk to them constantly.

Good God I Hate To Talk About Weight

But it's finally gotten to the point where I have to. I have been stress eating due to work, then the holidays I of course overdid it, so I talked to Sean and he and I are getting serious about getting some of these extra pounds off. I haven't been as heavy as I am right now, in over a decade.

The thing is, I don't exercise as much when it is cold. Even on the days that I do get out and move, it's not nearly as long as when I do so underneath the sun. And when it's rainy and I do an inside workout, I honestly feel like I am not accomplishing anything, so I work out less often and not for as long a stretch when I do. I'm fixing that starting now.

I REALLY try to focus on being only healthy and not on weight loss, but there is this nagging thing inside me that wants so badly to get to that magical number like everyone else. Usually I get over that rather quickly. But lately I've been stressed and I feel like a cow. It happens to all of us. No matter how much I work on everything else, there are always going to be those times that the reality that I'm a fatty, and maybe I could just be less of a fatty, sets in.

Now, I am not going to try and get "societally acceptable" thin, but I am going to try and drop about 23 pounds. That's my immediate goal: 10% of my body weight. I'm not giving myself a time limit, or anything like that. I am just going to weigh myself twice a month and monitor my progress, and try and lose SOMETHING every time I weigh myself, even if it's under a pound.

I don't think getting this weight off will make me less stressed, or make me magically happier, but I do know gaining 17 pounds in the last 6 months is freaking me the fuck out. So instead of toiling and worrying, I'm going to fix it. Wish me luck. And I'm really glad to have the moral support of both boyfriends to help me in this process. As much as I'd like to say I can do it alone, I know I can't.

Happy picture of the day: Roxy hogging the remote.

I Don't Enjoy Speaking Badly About People

I have noticed a lot lately how many people seem to really revel in gossiping or talking badly about others. And I'm not saying I'm never guilty of it. But when I do it I actually feel bad and try and catch myself. I think people constantly degrading others is a sure sign of low self-esteem and folks who don't like themselves. I do not want to be someone exhibiting that behavior. It's something I constantly work on.

Now, don't get me wrong, I will be TOTALLY sarcastic about someone doing or wearing something silly, or if my friend makes a choice that I think is ridiculous. I usually keep my mouth shut and let folks make their own mistakes. Then when they come to me after I'm like, "Yep, bad idea jeans!" But sometimes when they're in the middle of making what I think is a really bad choice I will pipe in without thinking. Then I have to remind myself to only give advice if it's asked for.

I went to a get together a few months back and it seemed that all the people were doing was saying stuff like, "Did you hear what blah blah blah did to so and so?" I mean, the whole time. It was hard for me to bite my tongue because I believe venting is healthy. This was not venting. This was people saying things behind the backs of others, that I know they would never say to their face. I don't like that. I was really good because I did not say even one time, "I'm glad you got to vent this out. Now when you actually go talk to THEM about it you can do so tactfully and calmly. That's such a good idea." *sarcastic smile.*

Whenever I find myself in this sort of situation I just make a note to myself who not to hang out with again. I like to be around positive people. People who if they are complaining, are doing so about themselves and how tired they are. Or how they are trying to get a hold on things. Not spend the entire time focused on the faults of others. I think the main thing holding people back from being better, is that they focus far too much on what others "aren't doing right." How about you focus on what you aren't doing right, and fix it? 'Cause that's all you have control over.

It makes me sad that I feel like more and more people are really not at all interested in being self aware. They'd much rather talk about why society is to blame for why they feel fat and ugly, or why their dad is to blame because they have intimacy issues. How about instead of that you just work on yourself so that these things don't effect you so much? Lessen the blow and like yourself and be healthy regardless of the forces around you that may be trying to get you down. No, I'm not saying, "Just get over it." It is okay to feel insecure and low sometimes. It is perfectly fine to have to call me crying 'cause you are having one of those days. But it's also perfectly fine to figure out what to do so you have less of those days. Wouldn't that be awesome? To have less and less days where you feel just plain icky? I know I like having less of them. And boy, do I still have enough of them.

I am dwelling today on the guy who ran in to me on the freeway when I was stopped in traffic, and he was going 45 mph. He is the reason I have back issues, and today I want to stab him in the face. And it's okay to feel that way. I have acupuncture tomorrow so hopefully my murderous thoughts will go away soon. :)

We all talk bad about people sometimes. I think the key is to try and understand why we feel the need to do so. Usually it's because we are feeling bad about ourselves, or we're angry. I choose to not have people in my life that make me angry a ton. That way I don't have to sit around talking about them negatively. It's a waste of time. I'd rather be thinking of a way to bludgeon the guy who hit me with a rusty nail. 'Cause that's what I call useful!!

Happy picture of the day: this is so meta nerd.

Life Lessons

I am pretty good at recognizing and learning from the times that the universe is trying to teach me a lesson. Lately a few things have happened, for the best, that have made me realize I need to trust my gut, and stop worrying about how my reaction to things will be taken.

I have grown so much in the past few years, but whenever the really tough life decisions come up, it reminds me how insecure and unsure I still am about things. It is good though, as I believe we all need the reminder that we still have work to do. We always still have work to do. I think I need to be reminded that no matter how healthy I think I am, there is always something I should focus on to try and make better. It is really easy to get in to a happy space and stop focusing on your growth areas. I need the little reminders now and then to tell me, "Hey, Melanie, you still need to work on this. See?"

I find that so many people talk about mistakes or regret. I try and focus on the fact that things happen to help you to learn and grow. I have no regrets. I have made a ton of mistakes. But all of those mistakes have in my mind, been beneficial. Hell, sometimes the mistakes are far more beneficial to growth than doing the right thing. At least for me.

I am constantly shocked by how many people will never get to a place where they truly regret the bad things they do and try and fix them. The people for whom you can tell their only regret is, that they got caught. It makes me terribly sad that there are people in the world who are so selfish that they continue to do things without having the slightest concern about how their actions and words effect those around them. And even worse, lie to themselves to the point where they don't even think they are doing anything wrong. I am glad I am not one of those people. And I am glad that for the most part, I don't have to interact with people like that.

I think it's a good thing to have something bad happen, and to recognize what you can learn from it. It is good that I no longer take on the victim role and think the world or people in it are out to get me. I am glad I am now at a place where I take ownership for the role I have played when things don't go right, so that I can hopefully not have that same bad thing happen down the line from repeating the same mistakes. The only way to learn and grow is to truly admit and take ownership for your wrongdoing. I am doing that, and I am so grateful that I do.

Happy picture of the day: when we came out of the little dive bar in the town my cabin is in, we found a kid had passed out in the back seat of the car. He had earlier hit on Sean by looking at him all drunkified and simply saying, "Let's do this." We all got a huge laugh out of it.

Arguments Vs. Discussions

I used to LOVE arguing. If I overheard a stranger talking about something and I just knew they were wrong, I would turn around and interject. My need to be heard, and to prove I was right, was deeply seeded in insecurity and I would belt out that insecurity any chance I got. As I have learned and grown, I have also stopped liking to argue. I have learned that what is right for me, is just that. I have stopped arguing about things. I have started to have healthy discussions about disagreements. More often than not I will just smile, tell someone I respect their opinion, and that we'll just agree to disagree.

When someone does something I find disagreeable I can now approach the situation like an adult and say, "When you did this, it made me feel this way." I don't feel the need to belittle, make them feel bad, or punish anyone. My only wish in having such discussions is to make it so hurtful behavior doesn't continue. I am not passive aggressive, nor am I accusatory. I just say my piece, then quiet down to listen to their side of the story. I am glad I am able to do this.

Now, I am not perfect. If I bring something up when I am still upset I am likely to get in a jab or two that is completely unnecessary. When this happens I can usually quickly say, "I am sorry. That had nothing to do with you. That was me being hurt. I shouldn't have said that."

Generally the way I process things is that I have to vent them out to a friend and uninvolved third party, first. I don't say anything to this person that I wouldn't say to the person's face, whom I have a problem with. It is not gossip. It is just a way to verbalize and get my feelings out in a way where I'm not limited to being fair or kind. I can say all the mean things my hurt is causing me to think. I can verbalize my concerns with no thought to being adult or a good person. I can just have verbal diarrhea and honor my feelings. This allows me to get down to the true core of why I feel like I do, and have a discussion later on without being a mess or tripping over my words. It's a really important part of my process, and I am glad I have people to whom I can vent, who know why I do it, and who listen without judgment.

I still come across people who love to argue. Those for whom being right is really important. Those for whom having something to prove, will probably be a part of their personality until the day they die. I am glad I am no longer one of those people. I am glad I find discussions, and problem solving, much more important than making someone else see that my point of view is the one that matters. Because that is never the case.

Happy picture of the day: I want one of these...badly.

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Personal Choice

I spent many years having to learn that the most important decisions in life usually include some sort of a trade off. You are usually giving up one thing, in place of another. So it's vitally important that the choices you make, are the ones that are most true to yourself and what you really want to do. I know people get sick and tired of hearing the phrase, "Be your authentic self" but you know what? I find that that sentence is really important. Of all the miserable people I see in the world, the most miserable are the ones that do things for others, or make choices to make someone else happy, when it goes against what they truly want to do. I'm not saying you can never make a choice to make someone else happy, but you have to make sure it's a decision you are making not to ONLY make someone else happy. It has to align with your wants and beliefs.

Most of my friends who have children I never hear complaining of the time they lose getting to hang out with friends, because they have kids. They wanted children and they realize it's a decision they made to raise a family so having to give up a year or two of self time was totally worth it to them. Then as the kids get older and they can get a babysitter from time to time they do so. When I see people getting mad because their baby takes up so much time, or they don't get to do the things they want to do, I have to wonder why they had a child in the first place. Did they not think it through? Did they do it to make someone else, or society as a whole, happy? I think if you want to be a parent, the trade off is definitely worth it. If you are complaining all of the time about your children you need to seriously take a step back and think about your choices and why you made them. Then you'll probably take some personal responsibility and maybe some of that anger would go away. I'm not saying there aren't days where people can't pull their hair and go, "God damn my kids are annoying me today!" That's totally normal. But if your children make you unhappy more than they make you happy, that makes me sad. There are SO MANY reasons I never wanted kids. And I never complain about the choice I have made, because it was the right one for me.

I gave up working in a profession I was really good at, that I loved, because I wanted to make more money and lay down roots and buy a home. Since I never wanted to marry or cohabitate, if I wanted to do this it was all on me. The trade off to take a job in an office environment was more than worth it. I went years without health care. I lived paycheck to paycheck in living situations with people who it was really not healthy for me to be around. I was constantly at odds living with others because of my need for an orderly, clean environment. Although I may joke and bitch about my cubicle dwelling self, for the most part I am grateful that I have a job that affords me my home and all of the amenities within. I am blessed and lucky. Sometimes I'll see a cute child on the street and for a fleeting moment I will miss working with children. But then I'll quickly come back to reality. I make the best of my career even though at times it seems unfulfilling. Soon I will have a new job. And then after that I'll move on to another. One of the great things about state service is getting to be slightly nomadic. You don't like a position? You can apply and move on to a different one.

Of all the things I have done in my life the one that served me the most was finally embracing who I truly was. Understanding that I don't have to feel guilty for any of my life choices, as long as I was making them based on fulfillment of self and they weren't hurting others. Of course, some of my choices are going to not benefit others as much as they benefit me. And that's okay. I have embraced my inner weirdo. I have embraced my inner non-monogamous person. I have embraced my inner Fiestaware collector. I have embraced so much more. I am really happy that I am living a life that is 100% me. That I can love and care for others, but not at the expense of giving up any portion of self. I think everyone could do it if they just stopped giving a shit about what neighborhood they were in, what care they drove, what people would think of them if they didn't get married and have babies, etc. Do what you need to do to wake up feeling fulfilled and happy every day. That's really the only requirement.

Happy picture of the day: this is one of my favorite PostSecrets of all time. I completely agree with what this card says. If you want to be happy, it's as simple as choosing to make that happen.

Happiness

I watched a really great documentary yesterday called Happy. It was exactly what I needed to see because I have been kind of blue lately for no particular reason, and I needed to be reminded that I am in charge of my own feelings.

The movie talked about things I talk about all of the time: how money doesn't make people any happier, how doing for others and doing good things in your every day life adds to your happiness, and how people who meditate often seem to be happier.

What really struck me was the way true happiness seems to go against the whole idea of the "American way." People seem so caught up in that bigger house, nicer car, better shoes, fancier purse, etc. When really, they have shown once your basic needs are met: shelter, food, etc. "nicer" things don't make anyone any happier. In fact, what it does is act like a sort of treadmill so people just want more, and nicer, things. People start to take things for granted. I want to make sure I never become one of those people.

They found that people with close family and friendship ties were the happiest. People didn't have to love and get along with all their family members, but when they at least had that base, it helped in their overall sense of fulfillment in life. I think this is true. I've become pretty close with my folks, and I have really good close friends. And although I know I need to slow down and stop doing stuff with people almost every night, the reason I do is because I want my friends around. I actually got two days to myself this week and that was great, but I'm ready for dinner with Don tonight, Sean tomorrow, a Halloween party Friday, a girl brunch Saturday, then a date with Matt Saturday evening. The down time helped fuel me up for friend and boyfriend time.

Watching the documentary helped me out because I feel like in the past few weeks I have forgotten to meditate, forgotten to help my fellow man, and forgotten to do at least one thing every day to make someone else's day better. I have been really self-centered and I needed something to remind me that that is probably the worst thing I can do. So today I started by doing my "try and make everyone you pass on the street on the way in to work smile" thing. Not one person didn't smile. So it really helped me as much as it helped anyone else. It also proved my point that in a way, the things that I do are selfish. Yes, it might be helping others, but it is most assuredly helpful to me as well.

Happy picture of the day: Frida. Because I love her.

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Gratitude List

It has been far too long since I have done one. So it's time.

I am grateful for:

good friends
my home
two awesome boyfriends
the three awesome ladies that i share those two boyfriends with
laughter
meeting a new great friend in new orleans
girl dates
good wine
cheap beer
jameson irish whiskey
having my life in order
pickleope making me think way too much about zombie rape
blogger ladies (we still need to dance CLR. i haven't forgotten)
people who bring me apple pie from apple hill for breakfast
cute boys to stare at in coffee shops
all of the trees in sacramento
eavesdropping when no one knows i speak spanish
my kitties
that the rain is coming
good hair days
running in the morning before the sun comes up
my strength
the new cute fella in my life who i get to stare at dreamily 'cause he's just plain dreamy
snuggling
having the money to eat the way i want to
life
my job (even though i curse it at times)
that i don't have to see an airport again for quite some time
my best friend and travel companion, christina, for making the NOLA trip so awesome

Happy picture of the day: I stole this from Girl To Mom's blog, so I don't have the source. But it made me laugh so hard. I love stuff like this.

I'm Back!!

So after a few days of being downtrodden and pissed off by about everything around me, I'm back to my hyper happy annoying self. You're welcome!

I am really trying to honor my emotions and just ride them out. The more I fight them, the more frustrated I get. This just makes things snowball and ends up hurting more than helping me. I know this, yet I continue to do it time after time. Definition of madness anyone? :)

I have to give a huge shout out to my co-worker Julie who let me vent some stuff out and had me smiling it work for the first time in a while, on Tuesday. That really helped. I didn't have to take it home to Sean. I'm sure he appreciated that.

I listened to way more metal and hardcore music the past few days than I do when I'm feeling chipper. I must say that Converge and At The Gates were huge in my life yesterday. Today is more of a Does It Offend You, Yeah day. I am back to bouncy and goofy and party tunes. Something you'd bounce around the kitchen in your socks to. Carrie, I think it's time to dance soon yes?

Anyways, I finally got to hang out with Janna sans men and have a girl dinner with just her and myself last night. I can not repeat enough how much I love all of these new women in my life. They are beautiful, amazing, intelligent, and good humored ladies. I need to make a conscious effort to schedule a day with Jeanne. She is the only one I have only gotten to talk to a moment here and a moment there. Just as much as I am glad for the two boyfriends, I am also glad to have met all of these new awesome women.

After writing yesterday's post it was like letting pressure out of a pressure cooker. I felt immediately better. I almost just deleted it as the writing of it itself, is what I needed to do. But I want to remain unashamed to put it out there when I'm feeling super bitchy. I'm human and people need to see my ugly side as well as my good side. I don't want to paint some portrait of myself as this always positive, super with it gal, when that's not who I am. I want to be honest above all else.

Today I feel great. I had an awesome date with Sean Tuesday, a great night with Janna last night, and I have a date with Matt tonight. We're going to see my friend Patrick play at one of the bars that I usually don't go to at night, because I can't stand the clientele. But I am going to really try and push boundaries and get over more of my anxiety stuff. I told Matt I can't promise I won't be there 15 minutes and have to leave, but that is bounds better than not walking in at night at all. Baby steps.

Next week I'm going to go to another new place in town that I've avoided due to obvious bro clientele. I am hoping I can get over this stuff. I just hate having to overhear conversations about someone bagging a fat chick, or how radical wakeboarding was last weekend. It hurts my head. I know I'm an ass, but there is a certain subset of society I can't stand. It's the subset called "small minded dumb assholes." But I'm not going to let them keep me out of certain places anymore. Although if it gets too much I totally give myself the right to retreat before I say something horrible that I might regret, or that more likely might make them try and fight my boyfriend. Isn't that always the case? You say something snarky to a dude in a flat-billed baseball cap and instead of addressing you, they immediately go after whatever man you're with? So typical.

Anyways, that is my next venture: to branch out and broaden my social outings. Both of my fellas like really good beers and drinks. Give me a good ol' dark ass dive bar with strong drinks and a pool table any day. But I need to compromise and not do everything on my terms all of the time. So I'm going to really make an effort.

I'm so happy to be back to chipper Melanie. No one likes being depressed or angry, but I REALLY hate it. I am glad that it passes pretty quickly. I am glad I have all of the friends I do to give me hugs and make me laugh. I am glad I have a really comfortable home to retreat to when I need to decompress. I am glad I have a life that is good, and that even though sometimes it's hard to see it, that I deserve all of the good things around me.

Happy picture of the day: Six Feet Under. I love this show. I can watch the episodes over and over.

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I'm My Own Worst Critic

I realized this weekend while laying around how much more work I have to do on accepting and being honest when I'm feeling weak and needy. I can sit and listen to other people talk about their issues and I don't judge them at all. I want to help make it better. I want them to be able to come to me and vent. I have been doing REALLY well since that last post about not internalizing other people's stuff. It's been nice being able to be there for others. But now I need to turn that around and realize it's okay for me to let people know when I'm feeling weak too.

No matter how much I remind myself when I get blue it's a chemical imbalance, I still can't help but feel like if I would just work harder and be better, I could beat it. I can't, but there is still a really big part of me that feels like my emotional and anxiety problems are a weakness. That I shouldn't be this way. That it's something to hide and be ashamed of. And even though I put it out there in blog posts like this one, there are days when I am really fake to those I care about, because I don't want them to know that inside I just want to scream and cry. Then I feel entitled because my life is so good, I have no RIGHT to be upset. I should be thankful. For the most part I am. But some days the thankfulness is nowhere to be found, and that's okay.

I am opening up more and more, but on Saturday when Matt came over I had missed him. I hadn't had alone time with him in about two weeks. I just wanted to stay in and cuddle him and do nothing else. But we went out to get a beer. Then came home and snuggled. Then went back out for a while, then played video games. I couldn't even just look him in the eye and say, "I feel needy and all I want to do is stay in and wrap around you and talk and kiss. That's it." So I promised myself that next time I will do just that if I need to. I will be honest about my feelings and honor them no matter what. I was doing really well doing that for a while. Life has been so hectic I needed to take a step back and remember to take care of myself.

The day to myself Sunday was good because I needed the rest. It also sent my head reeling to places I don't like to go. But I needed to go there. I needed to remember after my trip I need to get the two clocks that are broken in my house fixed. I need to get the pinball game up and working. I need to make sure everything in my house is where it needs to be so that when I stay home, I don't feel like I've failed myself with doing what I need to do around the house. Saturday I spent the whole morning cleaning so I could be lazy Sunday, and it was nice.

I have worked my ass off to get to a point where I honor my feelings and really try to go with what is going on inside my head and heart. When I fight it is when I find myself out at the bar more than I need to be. I find myself trying to keep so busy I have no time to think. I can't do that. I need to be mindful and present. I need to really deal with the feelings as they come and not push them aside or try to smother them. That is what made me in to the horrible person I was years ago. And it's far more weak to pretend and to hide, than to just be myself and tell people, "This is where I'm at right now. If you don't want to be around me when I'm like this that's great. But I can't fake it 'til I make it anymore. 'Cause the faking it is causing me to be unable to really make it."

Happy picture of the day: Jax. Did you see the season premier of Sons of Anarchy? So freaking good. And I kind of have a hard-on for Jax.

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Feeling Obligated

I have been working really hard on this one lately. I have been having a difficult time balancing all that I feel that I need to do, and having time alone. I told myself I was going to slow down. So Sunday I did exactly one load of laundry and just laid around. I drifted in and out of sleep. My body obviously needed the down time and rest. It was nice. But guess what I also did Sunday? I made plans. I made plans so that now the only night I have free this week is tonight. I did it again. I need to stop it. It's no one's fault but my own. I know it is going to be an awesome week of visiting and hanging out, and it will all be at my house so no money is spent. So at least that's a little better than running around.

I also have this sick thing in my head where I feel like I have to post here every day, so I'm going to work on that. I'm only going to write when I need to get something out or really feel like I have something to say. I'm going to try not having a posting schedule at all. I realize this will hurt the blog and I'm okay with that. I just know if I say I'm taking a break, I start to feel guilty and I post the same day. And if I say I need to stick to a schedule, I start to resent that. So I'm just now going with sometimes I'll post every weekday. Sometimes I'll post once a week. I don't even know at this point. I just don't want this to feel like an obligation. It is something I have taken on as a tool to help. It doesn't need to have become the added stress that it has.

I know that I plan on spending at least one day a week with each of the boyfriends, and one or two days a week with friends. But I need to remember to have at least one weekend day to myself, and one work evening. So that's what I am working on. I am so good at giving advice to people on how to simplify and de-stress. I haven't been taking my own advice lately, and it's taking its toll. I had to stay home from work Friday because I was exhausted. That exhaustion turned in to me being physically ill and vomiting for about three hours. I can't let that happen anymore. I need to slow down.

I am applying to a new job today, and another one later this week. I have been doing so regularly so I can hopefully get in to a position where I feel more useful, and more of a fit. I know that going to a job I don't like every day is taking its toll on me. And I don't know how much longer I can do it. I give myself six more months of applying for promotion and if I don't get it, I'm going to start applying for just my same position, in other agencies and divisions. I know that my head space lately has been in a huge part due to not loving what I do. So I'm working on fixing that.

Sorry about the whiny post. I just don't feel well and it took everything I had today to get out of bed, even though I went to sleep before 9 last night. I hate feeling this way, but it's just where I am right now.

Happy picture of the day: I made really yummy cheeseburgers on Saturday for Matt and I. I think it may be the reason he told me that he loved me that night. Okay, maybe not, but they were damn good burgers.

Empathy

We're not born with it. It takes sometimes until someone is a toddler, sometimes until they are in the middle of grade school. Sometimes it seems as if people have never developed it at all. One of my issues with my anxiety and bi-polar disorders is I have a heightened sense of empathy. I have to be totally mindful not to take on the pain and suffering of others.

Part of the reason I had so much trouble with drugs, alcohol, and other unhealthy behaviors is that I FEEL too much. I hear or see that someone I care about is hurting, and I have to really try with all my power to not start crying or get angry because they are in pain. It is not my job to take on the pain of the world. I have to think about this more moments in a day than most people.

The other day my day started out wonderfully. I had slept like a baby for the first time in a while, and I walked to work in a very good mood. Then one person told me a story about some hardships they were going through. I could see her eyes misting up and mine started to as well. A few moments later I got an email from someone I consider a little sister, who was going through some stuff, and I immediately felt strongly for her. By noon I was crying at my desk and immensely sad. I had to really work to get out of the funk. Part of that was reaching out to people via text and just letting them know I was having a rough day. I have FINALLY gotten to the point where I realize it is not weakness to ask for help. It is weakness to sit and stew in your own misery.

I had forgotten to tell myself, "It is fine to feel bad for the people you care about. It is NOT okay to let it overtake or ruin your day. It is not your job to do this. It is your job to be supportive." It is also okay for me to set emotional boundaries and let people know, "Because of the head space I am in today, I can not handle sad or woe tales. I just can't. I'm sorry." So Friday morning I did exactly that. A girlfriend asked if I was ready to do our morning lap of the park. I said yes. But when I saw her I said, "I am gearing up for my girl weekend, and can not afford to hear anything that has upset or made you angry today. I am sorry if it sounds selfish. I need to have a positive head space day today." She respected that and we had a lovely walk.

Empathy is a good thing for sure. It has helped me to put myself in other people's shoes. It has accompanied me on my journey to being a better person. I think it is a great strength. But I also think I need to be very present and in the moment with the empathy, and try to regulate when I can so it doesn't become the driving force of my day. It is a constant struggle to maintain balance and sometimes it's exhausting. But I am glad for my empathy, because it is part of what makes me a loving and good friend.

Happy picture of the day: I joked I was going to move a Jenga piece with my tongue. I didn't, 'cause that's nasty, but you should've heard the yelling by people afraid I was about to do it.

Foreign Goals

Remembering back to childhood I never wanted the things other kids wanted when they grew up. I couldn't care less about getting married, having a family, and the like. Hell, I honestly never even had the end goal of cohabitation. I thought it would be nice to be in love. But my version of being in love was so different from that of everyone else. I remember when people said they wanted to marry a doctor or a lawyer, stating without hesitation, "I want to marry a mafia man! He can have his ladies on the side. I can have a nice house and free time to myself. And if anyone messes with me...they're freaking toast!" No, really. That was something I said as a child. Not so shocking.

For as long as I can remember, I have been made to feel like the way I see love is wrong. I have had no long term relationships that lasted longer than three years, and I'm okay with that. I don't think I fear intimacy, because I get out of situations that are no longer working for me. I am extremely close and share very personal things with those who are my partners, and even those who are my friends. I am in some ways far more intimate with my friends than a lot of people. We share really deep parts of who we are, and I enjoy that. I don't need to get married, or birth a baby, or live with someone, in order to feel that.

I know couples who are my age, who have been together since their teens. I think that is wondrous and awesome. That sort of connection is so hard to come by, so when it happens and I get to witness it, it's like seeing a comet. It's something I have always enjoyed. I like when people are happy and in love. In the poly world it's called compersion. It's the opposite of jealousy pretty much. I derive joy from seeing the people I care about, happy. I also get really sad when my friends are sad.

The act of loving someone unconditionally is something I've really only done with friends. I have been in love with several men, but all of those times we grew in separate directions. It got to a point where us being together no longer made sense. So we decided to go our separate ways, and I don't regret any of those decisions.

When I'm at home alone on my couch there is rarely a time when I wish someone was there with me. I stay plenty social and I am seeing someone who I get to see once a week. Right now, that is enough for me. I will probably get to a point where I would like to be with someone else a few times a week, and if and when that time comes, I'll make that my reality. For now, I'm totally content with the way things are.

I also have a huge friend network for the blue days when I absolutely NEED someone to talk to, or a hug, or a shoulder to cry on. That last one rarely happens, as I tend to cry all by my lonesome. Although that damn Patrick boy made me cry with him on Sunday. I got to go see him all laid up in bed recovering. He looks good, but has lost a bit of weight. We talked about really deep things. He told me I was a banner and someone he looked up to. This brush with death made him think too much. I could relate that having to lay around doing nothing, all you can do is let the mind wander. Sometimes thinking too much is a detriment to us. But with Patrick I think it was a good thing. An uncomfortable, yet a very good thing. I love that boy, and I'm glad I got to have that talk with him. Sometimes we'll go a year without seeing each other, but it doesn't matter. I feel just as close to him now as I ever have. Perhaps even closer.

My goals in life I can voice and be sure about. I always want to be learning and growing. I want to always have a thirst for knowledge. I want to always learn about the things I am ignorant about. I want to always be able to make someone laugh when they really need to smile. I want to always be a listening ear when someone needs to vent. I want to always be willing to do a silly dance or make an ass out of myself when someone is having a rough day. I want to always hand over some food or money when I have it to spare. I could go on and on and on. My goals are simple and varied. And they are making my life a pretty damn good place to live.

Happy picture of the day: one of the paintings my homo husband did. I know it's hard to find, but if you look really closely, there's a penis in there.