When someone does something I find disagreeable I can now approach the situation like an adult and say, "When you did this, it made me feel this way." I don't feel the need to belittle, make them feel bad, or punish anyone. My only wish in having such discussions is to make it so hurtful behavior doesn't continue. I am not passive aggressive, nor am I accusatory. I just say my piece, then quiet down to listen to their side of the story. I am glad I am able to do this.
Now, I am not perfect. If I bring something up when I am still upset I am likely to get in a jab or two that is completely unnecessary. When this happens I can usually quickly say, "I am sorry. That had nothing to do with you. That was me being hurt. I shouldn't have said that."
Generally the way I process things is that I have to vent them out to a friend and uninvolved third party, first. I don't say anything to this person that I wouldn't say to the person's face, whom I have a problem with. It is not gossip. It is just a way to verbalize and get my feelings out in a way where I'm not limited to being fair or kind. I can say all the mean things my hurt is causing me to think. I can verbalize my concerns with no thought to being adult or a good person. I can just have verbal diarrhea and honor my feelings. This allows me to get down to the true core of why I feel like I do, and have a discussion later on without being a mess or tripping over my words. It's a really important part of my process, and I am glad I have people to whom I can vent, who know why I do it, and who listen without judgment.
I still come across people who love to argue. Those for whom being right is really important. Those for whom having something to prove, will probably be a part of their personality until the day they die. I am glad I am no longer one of those people. I am glad I find discussions, and problem solving, much more important than making someone else see that my point of view is the one that matters. Because that is never the case.
Happy picture of the day: I want one of these...badly.
Arguably, arguing is most fun when done with oneself, because at least then one gets to win. I always seem to lose those arguments though.
ReplyDeleteAnyway. Hi! If I had a gingerbread Empire, I would totally gift you a gingerbread AT-AT.
Aaaassssshhhhhh! I have missed you!!! How the hell are you.
DeleteLosing arguments with yourself is sad.
If you made a gingerbread Death Star I'd blow it up with my gingerbread x-wing fighter. If we had a gingerbread empire.
I'm good, thanks. Trying to get back on the bloggin' horse. I lost my mojo for a bit.
DeleteAnd it's okay, because I'm building a secret second gingerbread Death Star around a forest moon somewhere.
Wow that ginger bread contraption reminded me of the alien vessel in War of the Worlds. I wonder if their are people in cages trapped inside?
ReplyDeleteIf so, I hope they're venting about it to each other before confronting the blood draining aliens about how being kidnapped and held hostage was upsetting to them. You know, because its a wise strategy in any situation I think.
Now I have to go look up what you are talking about. This one is from Star Wars.
DeleteGrowing up with a lot of arguing, it really turned me off of it. I will rarely argue, because I generally don't see the point. I will speak up when necessary like I did on Thanksgiving when my aunt was trashing Obama. I didn't argue politics, though. I just asked her if we could skip the politics for the holiday. There's definitely no point in arguing with crazy people :)
ReplyDeleteI refuse to argue politics or religion. As long as someone isn't bashing I let them speak. If they are bashing, no matter whom it is directed towards, I just say something like, "This isn't really appropriate holiday discussion."
DeleteI have traditionally always been a 'peacemaker' and have shied away from arguments. I have had to learn to express my thoughts and ideas rather than hold them back. So recently I have worked to sustain a balance- to listen, try to see other perspectives, respectfully disagree, and speak up when its warranted. However, in this day and age of so much opinion spouting/shouting, I also take the stance that in certain situations and with certain people, arguments are a waste of breath. In those instances, it is wiser to zip it and let it pass. It is a fine line, isn't it?
ReplyDeleteLOVE LOVE LOVE the Star Wars gingerbread thing!!!
I tend to try and tell people how what they've done has made me feel, rather than accuse or point fingers.
DeleteI only speak up when someone is victimizing someone who can not defend themselves, and sometimes I don't do that in the friendliest manner. I'm working on it.
Isn't it great? I may need to try and make one.
I don't like to argue, I'm a very non-confrontational person. I'll go to great lengths to not confront people. But I do love a good debate, which from time to time has accidentally lead me into an argument. Or perhaps I should say they were arguing, I had no idea because I was having too good a time with my debating.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I can be a bit clueless sometimes.
I'm not non-confrontational. If someone does something wrong to me I will let it be known. I won't just let it go. But I don't call out random people on the street like I used to.
DeleteIf a debate starts turning in to an argument I stop participating. I hate that shit.
I have a post saved, (sitting in my drafts) about this very same topic. I thought I just needed to write it out, and get it off my chest. But now that you brought it up, I hope you'll allow me to vent about it here to you:
ReplyDeleteI am VERY passive and laid back. I loathe arguments/conflict. But I am no longer weak, like I used to be in the past. I WILL stand up for myself. I just choose my arguments wisely. The Husband, on the other hand, grew up arguing and should have chosen to be a damn lawyer instead of a freaking cop!
He is very confrontational and will tend to steam roll over weaker people, b/c he has such a strong personality. Sometimes, that includes me. Funny thing is, he HATES it and will absolutely go berserk if anyone else ever tries to do that to me. But somehow, when it's him doing it, he doesn't think it's the same thing. Ha. But I am always there to "gently" remind him, it's never OK.
Ironically, I also have to give him props b/c he's the one who taught me how to be strong and stand up for myself in the first place. The very first thing he did when he met me was teach me how to defend myself, with my words, actions and various weapons, LOL. He created this opinionated, well-armed little monster, but now he has to deal with her. Ha ha ha.
Honestly though, in general, I still allow a whole lot, if someone comes after me personally. But bleh, I'm a grown woman and I don't really care. But if someone comes after my kids, family or cat, I will go bat shit cray-to-the-freaking-cray. Does any part of this insanity make any sense to you? LOL
I used to exert my strength over the weak. I find it takes a much stronger person to discuss rather than argue or try to prove you're right.
DeleteI am not passive at all and I always defend myself. I just do it in a healthier way now.