Foreign Goals

Remembering back to childhood I never wanted the things other kids wanted when they grew up. I couldn't care less about getting married, having a family, and the like. Hell, I honestly never even had the end goal of cohabitation. I thought it would be nice to be in love. But my version of being in love was so different from that of everyone else. I remember when people said they wanted to marry a doctor or a lawyer, stating without hesitation, "I want to marry a mafia man! He can have his ladies on the side. I can have a nice house and free time to myself. And if anyone messes with me...they're freaking toast!" No, really. That was something I said as a child. Not so shocking.

For as long as I can remember, I have been made to feel like the way I see love is wrong. I have had no long term relationships that lasted longer than three years, and I'm okay with that. I don't think I fear intimacy, because I get out of situations that are no longer working for me. I am extremely close and share very personal things with those who are my partners, and even those who are my friends. I am in some ways far more intimate with my friends than a lot of people. We share really deep parts of who we are, and I enjoy that. I don't need to get married, or birth a baby, or live with someone, in order to feel that.

I know couples who are my age, who have been together since their teens. I think that is wondrous and awesome. That sort of connection is so hard to come by, so when it happens and I get to witness it, it's like seeing a comet. It's something I have always enjoyed. I like when people are happy and in love. In the poly world it's called compersion. It's the opposite of jealousy pretty much. I derive joy from seeing the people I care about, happy. I also get really sad when my friends are sad.

The act of loving someone unconditionally is something I've really only done with friends. I have been in love with several men, but all of those times we grew in separate directions. It got to a point where us being together no longer made sense. So we decided to go our separate ways, and I don't regret any of those decisions.

When I'm at home alone on my couch there is rarely a time when I wish someone was there with me. I stay plenty social and I am seeing someone who I get to see once a week. Right now, that is enough for me. I will probably get to a point where I would like to be with someone else a few times a week, and if and when that time comes, I'll make that my reality. For now, I'm totally content with the way things are.

I also have a huge friend network for the blue days when I absolutely NEED someone to talk to, or a hug, or a shoulder to cry on. That last one rarely happens, as I tend to cry all by my lonesome. Although that damn Patrick boy made me cry with him on Sunday. I got to go see him all laid up in bed recovering. He looks good, but has lost a bit of weight. We talked about really deep things. He told me I was a banner and someone he looked up to. This brush with death made him think too much. I could relate that having to lay around doing nothing, all you can do is let the mind wander. Sometimes thinking too much is a detriment to us. But with Patrick I think it was a good thing. An uncomfortable, yet a very good thing. I love that boy, and I'm glad I got to have that talk with him. Sometimes we'll go a year without seeing each other, but it doesn't matter. I feel just as close to him now as I ever have. Perhaps even closer.

My goals in life I can voice and be sure about. I always want to be learning and growing. I want to always have a thirst for knowledge. I want to always learn about the things I am ignorant about. I want to always be able to make someone laugh when they really need to smile. I want to always be a listening ear when someone needs to vent. I want to always be willing to do a silly dance or make an ass out of myself when someone is having a rough day. I want to always hand over some food or money when I have it to spare. I could go on and on and on. My goals are simple and varied. And they are making my life a pretty damn good place to live.

Happy picture of the day: one of the paintings my homo husband did. I know it's hard to find, but if you look really closely, there's a penis in there.