A little over a month ago I decided to have a cocktail while at a tiki bar in Alameda. I had one, and it was delicious. I didn't want more. It was weird. I was conflicted. I had been thinking in my head for quite some time before I even took that first drink, "I am going to try it. And if it makes me want to get wasted, I'll just know AA was right."
We went to a dive bar a week or so later and I had a cocktail, and then a beer. I strangely enough didn't want to close the bar down or drink shots. I wondered in my head if I was just fooling myself. This is how normal people drink. This is not how Melanie drinks.
I've been out and had cocktails a few times since. I've had a glass of wine with dinner on several occasions. I've had a glass of wine while watching trash tv.
I can not say with certainty that I won't progress in to having a problem again. It was beaten in to my head pretty hard that once you are a problem drinker, that is your lot in life. I believed it for quite some time. Then I stopped believing it as I saw women with many years sober who were still really bitter, and unhappy people. I believe that if you really look inward and handle your shit, and develop coping mechanisms you lacked when you were drinking excessively, it is highly likely you can enjoy a cocktail like a normal human being. I'm not saying everyone can, I'm just saying I bet some people can. Maybe I'm not one of them. That remains to be seen.
I know myself well enough, and I'm self aware enough to know if I ever get to a point where I want a shot of whiskey or I want to get obliterated, I need to figure out why before I act on it. I don't think at my age it is appropriate to get "wasted." If you do, that's fine and dandy, I'm just not interested. I spent half of the week every week of my life wasted, for years. I am in no way interested in drinking like that anymore.
So in the interest of being honest I wanted to put it out there. Not talking about it almost felt like a lie. Not that I owe it to anyone to explain my life choices. But for now, this is what I'm doing. I'm enjoying doing it. It isn't scaring me. I haven't gotten drunk and I have no desire to. I hope it stays that way. I like granny drinks like a vodka collins or a whiskey sour. I really hope that in my journey to become the best Melanie I can be, I have made it to the point where I can enjoy an adult beverage, and not have to use them to escape or not deal with my life.
Happy picture of the day: my new coffee table book. It's nifty!
I hope it's not too weird that I'm commenting since you don't know me, but I wanted to delurk and say that I applaud you, really do.
ReplyDeleteMaybe I'll get to that point some day too...
Thanks for delurking! Feel free to comment any time!
ReplyDeleteThanks. I'm still a little nervous but I'm doing fine, and I'll continue to live this way until if and when it becomes and issue.
*an issue.
ReplyDeleteWow. My dad was an alcoholic and I grew up hearing how an alcoholic could never drink again, because it would always escalate. I spent a lot of time watching him to see if I thought he had slipped. Fortunately, he was 15 years sober before he died. It was ingrained in me that you can't do it, but when I think about it rationally, I believe an alcoholic can drink again, too. The reason an alcoholic drinks is to self-medicate their pain, so if you are finding other ways of dealing with your pain and working through it, alcohol becomes just alcohol, and not an escape. That's my thought, anyway. Just be careful!
ReplyDeleteI will be. Thanks so much Kianwi. I'm not in denial or saying that it won't progress to me having an issue again. I am hopeful that isn't the case because I have so many healthy coping mechanisms now. But there are no guarantees. I just know if I ever want to use it for escape, or get wasted, I need to quit and drinking isn't for me. I am a boundary tester. Always have been.
ReplyDeleteThere is nobody who knows you the way you know yourself... and there is nobody who gets to tell you what to do here. Just the chick in the mirror with that great hair.
ReplyDeleteThanks for posting this - I had been wondering how you were doing with this piece of your life.
Thanks Reanna. I totally agree.
ReplyDeleteAnd thanks about the hair. I feel myself with this 'do. I was meant to have an aline bob with purple in it. :)
Love the purple. Will put a streak of turquoise in my own locks soon.
ReplyDeleteOoooh. Turquoise will be pretty!
ReplyDeleteAnonymous commenter here - thanks, I really appreciate that! If/when I comment again I'll use 'ac' as a handle (as in, anonymous commenter...').
ReplyDeleteAnyway - I get that it's intimidating, but it sounds to me like you are going to be responsible about it & stay safe. Hope it goes well, and I'd be interested to read more about this topic if you feel like sharing.
Best, ac
AC,
ReplyDeleteI will probably write about it sparsely, but my contact is in my profile if you'd like to check in from time to time, or if you have questions.