My Life As An Open Book

I am pretty honest and open about all aspects of my life and personality. I have found that for me, it is far better to just let it all out than to try and keep secrets. Secrets fester and turn in to shame. Shame makes you act in ways that end up hurting yourself and others. So I try and just put it all out there and not worry about it.

I recently put the link to this blog in my dating profile. I figured that would weed out the faint of heart, but also it would make it so people could get a better idea of who I am, than what you can put in one of those things. That way no one has to waste their time pursuing me, if the stuff on here is too much. I have had people get weirded out that I would be so open. That's another weeding out process as far as I'm concerned. I am not interested in being friends or otherwise with anyone who doesn't accept 100% of who I am as a person. I like myself, and I have nothing to hide.

Now, I understand why some are private and reserved, and I totally respect that. That is just not the way I want to be. Part of my growing and learning is that I have come to know I have to be all Melanie all the time, in order to not feel ashamed of certain aspects of my personality. I don't want to hold back. I don't believe in luring someone in by being the "best" me I can be. To me, that seems false, and I refuse to do it. So you get to know my good and bad points right from the beginning. Yes, you hold back a little. It's self preservation. But I have met a ton of people who I thought were one way, then three months later you learn they are not. I would rather not do that to someone else.

So usually within the first few minutes of having a conversation with someone I talk about my anxiety stuff. I talk about the way I eat and how important it is to me. I share things that are a little more personal than most people would share with someone right off. I don't overshare. I don't get in to strange detail about things. That is for my real friends. The people who I know are going to be around a while. I know boundaries. I know what not to say so that I am opened up to someone being rude or hurting me. I am not afraid of that, it's just that no one deserves that power right up front.

Of all the things I have hoped for in life, I have achieved the biggest one, being myself. Not being ashamed of who I am and what I do. Loving myself exactly for who I am. Not belittling myself or thinking I'm less than because I'm chubby, and strange, and more than a little out there. I am embracing myself for the first time in a long time, and it feels amazing. Not to say I don't have those self doubting, and self loathing days. I do, but they're not as bad as they used to be. That in itself is a small miracle.

So to anyone out there who is still ashamed of some of their behaviors, or still in fear of what people will say when they learn about your "stuff" I encourage you to let your freak flag fly. Be the only you, you know how to be. Work on the stuff that you feel you need to work on, and embrace the things that make you unique and set you apart. Love yourself more than you ever though you could. You owe it to yourself.

Happy picture of the day: Molly looking flat. I love when she lays like this near me on the couch.