The sentence was, "I am wondering if I'm as good at _______ as __________." (I am quite sure he was joking, but it still made me think). Well, you are different from ________ at _________, that is almost for certain. The world is a place of varying types of people, and that is what makes it so great. I am more of a person to say something like, "I may not be as good at push ups as so and so, but I am a kickass cook." Everyone has different strengths and weaknesses, and that is totally okay.
We compare wines, and foods, and arms, and diets, and religions. When it starts to become dangerous is when we say a certain religion is better than another, or a certain type of body is better than another. I compare myself to people by saying, "Wow, she has great boobs. Sometimes I wish I had bigger boobs. But my boobs are small but mighty. They're pretty damn fantastic." And it's not arrogant, it's appreciation and self acceptance.
I know for certain that I will never lay in bed with the person I am intimate with and wonder if I am better or worse than their other lovers have been. I will know that I am different. I will know that the experience they have with me really can't, and shouldn't, be compared with that of others. I know that I think the best part about being intimate with someone new is the delightful little surprises, and the newness, and the wonder of exploring someone new. I know that I don't have insecurities about my body being less firm, or larger here, or softer there. I know that I am built different from any other woman on the planet. No one has the exact same body as mine. I like that fact.
It is totally fine to compare things. You can say this beer is more hoppy. You can say this wine is more fruity. You can say this leg is more muscly. You can say that hair is longer. You can say your car is larger than my car. What you shouldn't do is proclaim to know which is better. Now, you can totally proclaim to know which one you PREFER. I prefer a smaller car. I prefer a hoppier beer, unless it's hot then I want watery ass Pabst. I prefer a woodier wine. I prefer a man with a bulkier build. That doesn't mean I think all of the things that are NOT my preference are worse. I think I just do not prefer them.
I also try to take the words "good" and "bad" out of my vocabulary when describing foods. There are healthy foods, and not so healthy foods. There are foods I eat regularly, and foods I treat as treats. There are foods I couldn't live without every day, and foods that no one should eat every day. But there are no good or bad foods. There are only life sustaining foods, and health hindering foods. There are foods that taste good, and foods that nourish us. Luckily, some foods are both!
The attraction that I have to people and things is on a slightly different scale from what society is telling me my scale should be. I really like that. I like that I don't think I need to own a BMW, or a house in a fancy neighborhood, or 300 dollar shoes, in order to have things of value. I like that I don't judge those who have those things as worse than myself. They just value different things. And that's okay. What's not okay is if they look down their noses at those who do not value such things. These are the people who cause angry Melanie to come out. So I choose to avoid them for the most part.
I long for a world where healthy comparisons are made like, "I wish I could be as thoughtful as she is" or "I really think I would like to some day be as funny as he is." But you can be. You can be anything you want. It's okay to compare yourself to other people. It's okay to compare things to other things. It's not okay to think that yourself or your things are better, just because they are your preference. Variation is awesome. All different things and beings are great. Except for ants. You keep those motherfuckers away from my house.
Happy picture of the day: Chinese long beans. They are one of my latest food finds, and I am madly in love with them.
First, those are seriously long beans. There's a naughty joke in there somewhere, but it is early and I haven't showered yet.
ReplyDeleteSecond, I really love this post. You always give me things to think about but today's post really gave me a start. Not just about comparisons and preferences because being an English major I automatically do that (I really can not help it), but about focusing on my strengths, on what makes me unique and (if I do say so) wonderful and NOT making people comparisons.
Third, do you have fire ants in Cali? Because those fuckers are nasty little shits that need to be annihilated! I don't care HOW "different" they are!
As soon as I read your first sentences I went, "Are you a Chinest long bean, or a regular string bean man?"
ReplyDeleteComparisons and contrasting is normal. When you are writing you want to use the best word possible to portray your meaning. That makes sense. What doesn't make sense is all of these people who think the way they live, look, act, is the only way to be.
We have fire ants up at my cabin but not so much in the city. I will kill any ant anywhere in my vicinity. I hate them.
When I read the third paragraph, it made me think about that wise philosopher Shakira who once said, "Look at my breasts so small and humble, so you don't confuse them with mountains."
ReplyDeleteYou're right. I always get bummed out when I like something, a movie, a person I think is pretty, a song, etc., and someone I know, or even some stranger says, "it's garbage because of this." It's taken a long time for me to like something because I like it and not compare my tastes to others. No more absolutes! Live in the grey area. Except my blog, that is objectively great.
you are on the right track with the comparison thing. you have a healthy and productive attitude towards comparisons.
ReplyDeletesometimes i am curious and accepting when i make comparisons, and sometimes i am harsh and cruel and unfair and i get down or depressed when making comparisons. it is NOT healthy, and it is counter-productive. i am flawed and imperfect, as are most folks. and we are all unique individuals, so i should just let it go. it is so easy to get caught up in futile exercises in life. but i suppose that is a CHOICE, and it is best to make choices that are healthy and productive, rather that unhelpful and destructive!
Oh, I can be downright lame at times. It's just that it's a rarity now. I used to judge and belittle constantly. I knew it all!
ReplyDeleteJust this morning I was in the bathroom and at the sink was a pregnant woman with a huge cup of soda from McDonald's. I don't know if I shook my head more because of her food choices, or because she had a cup in the bathroom. Both are equally disgusting to me.
Dang, those are some beans!
ReplyDeleteI think the comparison thing is especially the case with women, although they don't always vocalize it, you can often see it in their body language. ( I have experienced this recently so I am über aware). I like your idea - if one must compare, why not compare the good things like thoughtfulness, or patience or generosity. That'd be nice for a change.
That's the one think I must say that is a SUPER pleasant surprise in the poly community so far. The women are all supportive and sweet, and not catty. I mean, I know there are probably unhealthy women just like any subset of the population. I have just been blessed to not have to meet any of them yet.
ReplyDeleteI was going to leave a long and deeply profound comment on how comparisons can destroy a person's sense of self worth...then I got to that part about 'motherfucking ants' and now I can't stop laughing. :D
ReplyDeleteAnd that's why I love you Lily! (I did the same thing)
Delete@lily and Blondie,
ReplyDeleteSee, I just saved you all a lot of time and effort! You are welcome! :)
I've always thought that attitudes like that say more about the person who has them than the person they're comparing themselves to. If they think someone else would denigrate them it's probably because it's something they would do themselves, and therefore they just expect it to be done to them.
ReplyDeleteKellie,
ReplyDeleteI couldn't agree with you more. If you like yourself, you don't have to best someone else. You just have to be the best you, you can be.
Mostly, I only hate snakes (how do those legless bastards move so fast???), but I once waged a boiling water war on an ant hive because they started coming into my house. I actually fantasized about the Borg... I mean Ant... queen writhing in pain beneath my oven-mitted, shorts-wearing, soup-pot-of-boiling-water-carrying awesomeness. Eventually I just moved to another neighbourhood.
ReplyDeleteI love this post. I feel the same, but I had to fight to be okay with my belief that one way is just one way - not the only way. I was taught that a lot of things are 'stupid' and 'wrong' when I was young. It's why I was in my 30s before I bought a skateboard...
It's an interesting way to think, certainly more healthy and productive but it's unlikely that others will adopt that anytime soon.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I hate those beans. Anytime my Mother cooks them I refuse to touch them.
@Reanna,
ReplyDeleteIt took me until about age 35 to get this way. I was always sort of there, but I still was missing stuff. I still slip because nobody's perfect. But I'd rather be this way than any way else.
@DWei,
I am sure the world will never think this way. If it did we'd have world peace and capitalism as we know it would collapse.
Now I want to know how your mom prepared them. Because the way I make them is awesome. Unless you just hate the texture.