I Am Different

I am reminded by others on almost a daily basis how truly different I operate from most people. For many years, I thought the way I operated was wrong. I thought that surely, since most people were not like me, I should be ashamed and try to acclimate and make myself more palpable to the masses. Once I realized that was not even a possibility, I went in to a shame spiral. A spiral I very recently came out of, and one I struggle daily to acknowledge I don't need to go back to.

Most people need constant reassurance they are doing something right. I would just like a reminder every now and again that I am appreciated. Since I grew up in a household full of negative reinforcement, it is one of the things that to this day sends me in to a tailspin. I am thankful to all of you blog ladies who let me know I make a difference in your life. I appreciate it more than you could ever know. If I could get you all in one room I would cry and give you all big hugs and tell you you're amazing. Since I can't do that I'll just do so here.

I want everyone to feel accomplished. I want to search for a solution when there's a problem. I want people to go home and be happy that what they have done that day was good. I feel like most people act as if they want the opposite. Most people want to belittle. Most want to try and exert force and dominance over others. They don't realize that this is really cowardice, and not the strength they feel like it is.

I am a powerful woman. For many years I was made to feel like I should not be. Like I should quiet my voice so my tone didn't offend others. Like I should dress in a more feminine way because then I would not be viewed as such a challenge. There are days when someone says one thing and I am shot right back to little girl Melanie who feels very small. I have to go for a walking meditation and remember that I am not her. I am a good person. I am okay just the way I am. No one should be able to make me feel less than.

I very much resent the people who talk down to me and others. I take it personally when someone bullies someone who can not defend themselves. I sometimes can not hold my tongue when I see someone being treated unfairly. Even though I know it is not my job to right all of the wrongs, I know for a fact that I will ALWAYS try and right some of them. I have to try. Even if I fail every time.

So today I know that I am different. I do not need to see something being done incorrectly and say, "You're doing it wrong!" I do not need to prove that I knew a fact that someone did not. I use these things as both a teaching, but also a learning moment. I need to practice humility. I need to realize that I am lucky to have knowledge that some others do not. There is no winner in the game of life. I hope I never forget this. And I hope and pray that everyone can get to a point where they like themselves enough to want to build others up, rather than tear them down. Because as tough as I am, today they are trying to tear me down. And I cried a little, and I got angry more than a little, and then I remembered I am the master of my feelings. I refuse to let anyone make me feel less than.

Happy picture of the day: this is Roxy resting on the pinball game. I love when she rests like this with one paw under her face. It makes her have a strange human quality. Every time I see her like this, I fall in love with her a little bit more.