I am so very, very hard on myself. When I got mad at him for playing with his phone while we were together, for a while I thought it was MY fault for being too picky. But I quickly realized that if you purposely do something, that you know someone doesn't like, you are a total dick. Then I get more angry with myself for thinking I was in the wrong for having standards of behavior for others. It is okay for me to expect certain things from people. It is okay if those people don't live up to them, for them to no longer be in my life.
I am having a really hard time not judging him for the things I look back on and see that were lies, that were half truths, and that were misrepresentations of who he really was. I am having a harder time not punishing myself for being too dumb to see these things, because I wanted to believe he was who he said he was. Right now I am really mad, and sad. I am writing this as a way of letting it all out in to the world, so I can let it go.
Yesterday someone brought him up in a text and tears welled up in my eyes. How could I have been so stupid? But I wasn't stupid. I was trusting. I was assuming that someone would be honest and forthcoming, the way that I am. I will continue to operate on that level. But I can't help but sometimes beat myself up when someone hurts my feelings. Like I somehow deserved it. Like if I'd have paid better attention it wouldn't have happened. But like I have said before: I would rather be hurt a million times than close off or not let new people in. I don't ever want to be jaded like I used to be. It's just that right now, in the middle of the hurt and the mourning, it's hard to think healthily about it.
So to Dave, who may be reading this, I am sorry you are not the Unicorn I thought you were. I am sorry that you have so little respect for me that you can't do something really simple and respect my wishes. I hope that you can learn to do these things for others and truly care about someone enough, to not be such a self serving and selfish fuck. 'Cause that's what these type of actions exude. Selfishness, entitlement, and "I will do whatever I want to do" attitudes aren't good for anyone involved. I hope that your daughters get to see daddy in a healthy relationship where he realizes his needs and wants don't always come first.
But also thanks. Thanks for breaking up with me because you couldn't do the distance. Who knows how long I would've continued to date you and not see these things which I don't care for, because I was blinded by the whole idea of a boyfriend who so freely complimented, and took care of me in many ways, while trashing me in others. I am really happy for that. You freed me and allowed me to move on and meet new people. Now, if you could just stop with the texts and sad attempts to remain in my life. Because you are ruining any chance we have of ever being friends in the future. I don't think you realize that. You're going to miss future friend Melanie, because she is rad.
Right this minute I'm mad, and I think you are a dick. I look forward to the times when I don't think this, because I just don't think of you at all. It would be helpful if you would do your part in allowing me to get there. But whether you do or not, I'll still get there. I'll just get there wanting nothing to do with you ever again, instead of perhaps being able to talk with you and share funny stories. That would be a much nicer option. But I'm okay if it's not the one I have to choose.
Oh, and bonus points to anyone who can email me and tell me how to change my comments so I can actually reply to comments individually. I can't seem to figure it out and it's driving me batty. What are bonus points good for, you ask? Well, maybe I'll give you a kiss or something. I don't care if you live far away. You will get a kiss eventually if you help me out with this. It may be an, "I finally made it to Ohio, here's your kiss" when I'm 80 and crusty, but it'll happen.
Happy picture of the day: Voltron. Why? Because Voltron is awesome.
Melanie- you are so rad! It sucks it hard to feel like opening up and trusting someone was a huge mistake. I think you are brave, and all kinds of awesome for opening yourself up to him. My hope for you is that after posting this, you feel better. And every day from this one forward, you think a little less about Dave and that hurt he caused you. *Hugs*
ReplyDeleteThanks so much hon! I am really more mad at myself for missing little things here and there about his personality. He's not a horrible man. He really means well. He just needs to grow. And I am positive he's never going to. Not ever.
ReplyDeleteI wrote this a few days ago and almost didn't post it because I am totally over it now. I just had to get it out. That's what I do. I vent things out, and then I can breathe.
I just have to make sure I don't put up walls and treat the new fella a certain way, because the old fella did hurtful things. I am pretty sure I won't, but it's something you really need to keep in your head. Holding grudges, or carrying baggage to your next interaction is something I try really hard not to do.
The best way to wash a song out of your head is to replace it with another song.
ReplyDeleteHere, have this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OFwJleZv988
You're welcome.
Oh god, now I need to listen to something to wash THAT one out! :)
ReplyDeleteMelanie, I'm new here and normally wouldn't barge right on in as a "newbie" but, yeah, there's that "but"...I am so glad you forgave yourself for missing the little things in his personality. I did the same thing (on a much larger scale) and missing clues about stuff drove me insane. Good for you for letting it all out. Writing does the same thing for me, very therapeutic.
ReplyDeleteElsie,
ReplyDeleteBarge in dear. If there's one thing I love about blogging the most, it's the feedback I get from you guys. Seriously.
Forgiving myself for my shortcomings is always the hardest part. I am so hard on myself. I have to remind myself that I am quick to forgive and accept the shortcomings of others, I need to also do so for myself. It's really difficult.
Phew! Thanks, I was worried I was overstepping...
ReplyDeleteI'm the same way...or, I was. Long story and I'll spare you. I used to be quick to forgive others and quick to trust others..now I'm a bit more hesitant. With time, the old me will return.
I am quick to forgive if I get a heartfelt, true apology. But other times I'm done with you and I'll cut you loose.
ReplyDeleteI am pretty quick to trust though. Not full on trust, but believing you are who you say you are.
And the more you read, the more you were realize I have no boundaries to cross. Really, it's kind of freakish. :)
Thanks for your kind comment on my blog! Glad you found me through drollgirl's blog. That chick rocks.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry to hear that you're going through this! Dude is acting like a douche, and not all men will be like this. But definitely a few will. You seem like a kick-ass chick who knows what's what and you will get past this and end up with someone who will be a good guy, a grown up who knows how to act. Just my thoughts, from someone who just "met" you via the web :-)
Thanks so much Marsi,
ReplyDeleteI am spilling through the blog and marvelling over your great taste. Those Lego houses...I want all of them!!! I am going to go down and see the Eames house in person soon. Love that house and love them to bits.
Thanks for coming by. I am already past it. He just pissed me off when he sent that last text and I needed a good vent. :)
You can be mad, and you can be sad, but please don't beat up on yourself about it! You trusted someone you really felt a connection with and that is a healthy thing to do. So I'll break my typical non-swearing habit and say that I agree, he is indeed an asshole!! It's actually good he sent that text in a way, because it will help you to get over him more quickly for seeing that he doesn't respect your wishes.
ReplyDeleteI beat myself up constantly. It's what I do. :)
ReplyDeleteI agree about the text thing though. He's just proving that he's not someone I want to waste my time on. But I thought we could be friends down the line. Now I'm thinking we can't. Which is fine, 'cause we weren't friends before we dated so it's really not that big of a loss. It just pains me when people can't act like adults.
I beat myself up constantly, too...this was a case of do as I say, not as I do :)
DeleteI can so relate to this post. It angered me for many years that I failed to realize what a complete arse Spawn's father was but then as the saying goes, love is blind.
ReplyDeleteIt was my brother who said, "whilst you're getting all upset and angry and beating yourself up, he's just getting on with his life, not bothering about you." That was all it took for me to forgive myself and to carry on with my own life. The important thing is that you now know the truth and can move on hopefully. :D
So true Lily. That's why I wrote the line about not having to think about him at all. That time will come. Sooner if he'd respect my wishes.
ReplyDeleteUgh, there's nothing worse than when you're trying to get over someone and they just won't leave you the hell alone! But that's his damage, not yours.
ReplyDeleteAgreed!
ReplyDeleteI'm all for a Dave ban for sure.
ReplyDeleteOof! That was a rough one. I could feel every ounce of your frustration with that one. Though, this is probably the healthiest way to deal with such feelings, just get them out, write about them, exorcise the demons!
ReplyDeleteSorry, I don't have any insight on how to fix your comments. Mine just come that way.
Also, that picture frustrated me because I had some Voltron toys as a kid but never a full set. It was always an amputee Voltron, missing a leg or something.
The best thing about this is that I feel nothing like I did when I wrote it. It works!
ReplyDeleteAww, amputee Voltron. For Xmas I'm getting myself a Voltron, and Lego Fallingwater.
Haha Kianwi, this made my morning. One of the million things I love about you is you are so honest.
ReplyDeleteKudos to you for getting it out there. I remember you saying he read your blog so hopefully a public outing will chill him right the heck out. Otherwise...can you block his number? I don't know how smart phones work (all mine does is call people...poorly at that as I never seem to have cell reception).
ReplyDeleteAs for the comments: if you go to your dashboard under settings there is a comments tab. I'm not sure if it would make a difference, but you seem to have yours set to open as a new page, try changing the setting to embedded below post and see if that works.
If it does, those bonus points you mentioned? And that thing you mentioned in your email? North Dakota. I've always wanted to go.
Holy scheistermonkeys made of hookerparts! You can't see me but I'm totally doing the cabbage patch right now.
DeleteThere is a charge to block a number. He's chilled out so far. We'll see in the coming weeks.
ReplyDeleteThanks you so much. I will give it a shot. I will make a note of North Dakota. Make sure you have lip balm on. I really detest dry lips. haha
Wow. I love the way you got this off your chest. And I totally get "I was blinded by the whole idea of a boyfriend who so freely complimented, and took care of me in many ways, while trashing me in others." It's called being passive/aggressive! Once I expressed to my ex-husband that I wish he would not make this grunting noise at the table, while eating (sounded like a f***ing caveman eating a raw animal)....it really made me cringe...guess what? He did it more and never stopped. We are now divorced. It was a slap in the face with regards to my feelings about things. So, this man was a messenger to you...and the message is that "your feelings" matter too!
ReplyDeleteHe definitely did a ton of passive aggressive stuff and was completely unaware of it,
DeleteI'm not passive aggressive. I'm just aggressive.