No matter how much I remind myself when I get blue it's a chemical imbalance, I still can't help but feel like if I would just work harder and be better, I could beat it. I can't, but there is still a really big part of me that feels like my emotional and anxiety problems are a weakness. That I shouldn't be this way. That it's something to hide and be ashamed of. And even though I put it out there in blog posts like this one, there are days when I am really fake to those I care about, because I don't want them to know that inside I just want to scream and cry. Then I feel entitled because my life is so good, I have no RIGHT to be upset. I should be thankful. For the most part I am. But some days the thankfulness is nowhere to be found, and that's okay.
I am opening up more and more, but on Saturday when Matt came over I had missed him. I hadn't had alone time with him in about two weeks. I just wanted to stay in and cuddle him and do nothing else. But we went out to get a beer. Then came home and snuggled. Then went back out for a while, then played video games. I couldn't even just look him in the eye and say, "I feel needy and all I want to do is stay in and wrap around you and talk and kiss. That's it." So I promised myself that next time I will do just that if I need to. I will be honest about my feelings and honor them no matter what. I was doing really well doing that for a while. Life has been so hectic I needed to take a step back and remember to take care of myself.
The day to myself Sunday was good because I needed the rest. It also sent my head reeling to places I don't like to go. But I needed to go there. I needed to remember after my trip I need to get the two clocks that are broken in my house fixed. I need to get the pinball game up and working. I need to make sure everything in my house is where it needs to be so that when I stay home, I don't feel like I've failed myself with doing what I need to do around the house. Saturday I spent the whole morning cleaning so I could be lazy Sunday, and it was nice.
I have worked my ass off to get to a point where I honor my feelings and really try to go with what is going on inside my head and heart. When I fight it is when I find myself out at the bar more than I need to be. I find myself trying to keep so busy I have no time to think. I can't do that. I need to be mindful and present. I need to really deal with the feelings as they come and not push them aside or try to smother them. That is what made me in to the horrible person I was years ago. And it's far more weak to pretend and to hide, than to just be myself and tell people, "This is where I'm at right now. If you don't want to be around me when I'm like this that's great. But I can't fake it 'til I make it anymore. 'Cause the faking it is causing me to be unable to really make it."
Happy picture of the day: Jax. Did you see the season premier of Sons of Anarchy? So freaking good. And I kind of have a hard-on for Jax.
I love and adore you and am sorry you are having a rough time. No faking needed! I think of you and see an awesome, strong woman who is doing her best to deal with a tough condition, definitely not someone who is weak!
ReplyDeleteFeel better and bless you for posting that picture of Jax! He is the yummiest!
Thanks hon. Your emails and our little chats mean more to me than you could ever know. It's lifting. I see grey instead of black.
ReplyDeleteIsn't he? Rawor!
Being honest about your feelings is definitely easier said than done sometimes but it looks like you're off to a good start here. Now just take it to the next level and say the words out loud!
ReplyDeleteThat's a good idea Lil. It very rarely happens. Which is why I tend to vent it out on here. :)
ReplyDeleteit is good to tell your man what you need and see if he can oblige. i have been reminded repeatedly that men aren't mind-readers. it would be nice to not have to tell them everything, but it sure is a lot easier for them when we do. :)
ReplyDeleteand jax? omfg. talk about the ultimate male. hawt hawt hawt. he really should be naked or shirtless in almost every episode. gulp.
Even worse: I was the one that suggested going out. I was trying not to be Debbie downer. All my fault. All.
ReplyDeleteYes. I concur. The one shower scene where they showed his butt I almost died.
You are loved, dear friend. I think it is perfectly okay to put your feelings out there, whatever they may be. Those that would ignore, belittle, make light of, or push them aside aren't worth your time. Putting them 'out there' here on your blog - well it's YOUR blog. People can roll on by if they don't want to listen - don't let the door hit 'em where the good Lord split em, know what I'm sayin'?
ReplyDeleteYou need a good sock shuffle in the kitchen...:)
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DeleteThank you doll.
DeleteI concur. I believe I mention it in tomorrow or Thursday's post. Yes, they were already pre-written. I say we do our own songs and just dedicate that post to the other. I can't decide on a song. There are so many I love! I am going to do it next week, I promise!