Part of the reason I had so much trouble with drugs, alcohol, and other unhealthy behaviors is that I FEEL too much. I hear or see that someone I care about is hurting, and I have to really try with all my power to not start crying or get angry because they are in pain. It is not my job to take on the pain of the world. I have to think about this more moments in a day than most people.
The other day my day started out wonderfully. I had slept like a baby for the first time in a while, and I walked to work in a very good mood. Then one person told me a story about some hardships they were going through. I could see her eyes misting up and mine started to as well. A few moments later I got an email from someone I consider a little sister, who was going through some stuff, and I immediately felt strongly for her. By noon I was crying at my desk and immensely sad. I had to really work to get out of the funk. Part of that was reaching out to people via text and just letting them know I was having a rough day. I have FINALLY gotten to the point where I realize it is not weakness to ask for help. It is weakness to sit and stew in your own misery.
I had forgotten to tell myself, "It is fine to feel bad for the people you care about. It is NOT okay to let it overtake or ruin your day. It is not your job to do this. It is your job to be supportive." It is also okay for me to set emotional boundaries and let people know, "Because of the head space I am in today, I can not handle sad or woe tales. I just can't. I'm sorry." So Friday morning I did exactly that. A girlfriend asked if I was ready to do our morning lap of the park. I said yes. But when I saw her I said, "I am gearing up for my girl weekend, and can not afford to hear anything that has upset or made you angry today. I am sorry if it sounds selfish. I need to have a positive head space day today." She respected that and we had a lovely walk.
Empathy is a good thing for sure. It has helped me to put myself in other people's shoes. It has accompanied me on my journey to being a better person. I think it is a great strength. But I also think I need to be very present and in the moment with the empathy, and try to regulate when I can so it doesn't become the driving force of my day. It is a constant struggle to maintain balance and sometimes it's exhausting. But I am glad for my empathy, because it is part of what makes me a loving and good friend.
Happy picture of the day: I joked I was going to move a Jenga piece with my tongue. I didn't, 'cause that's nasty, but you should've heard the yelling by people afraid I was about to do it.
Oh, this is me, too. My dad used to get so annoyed with how sensitive I was, but I couldnt help it, that's just me. I've since learned I just can't let myself think too much about certain things and have to let sad stuff go, particularly if there is nothing I can to do help. I had to develop these emotional survival skills when I lived in Honduras, because oh man, the things I saw there! I still cry too easily, though!
ReplyDeleteExactly! Most of the time there is nothing you can do so taking on that sadness is pointless.
DeleteIt's why I couldn't become a child life specialist. I got WAY too attached to those kids.
My wife used to have this problem, and I told her it's great that you care - truly, not enough people care - but in essence, how silly is it to have your whole day ruined because of some other person's problem? Be supportive, help them any way you can, and don't let it destroy your day.
ReplyDeleteTotally agreed. Sometimes we forget logic and our emotions take over. Luckily it doesn't happen all that often. I can usually reign it in.
DeleteGood for you for letting your friend know you needed only positive energy and vibes from her. So, your weekend was good?
ReplyDeleteI have to remember it's ok to set boundaries like that.
DeleteBesides having to clean the house like crazy Saturday, it was a very relaxing weekend.
It's it's important to know where to draw the line, isn't it. It's good you have friends who can understand that.
ReplyDeleteI have to have friends who understand that some days I just can't be there for them to vent to. It rarely happens, but when it does they are very understanding. I have amazing friends.
DeleteI can so relate to this. It took me quite a while to figure out that a large part of what was dragging me down in life was I was taking the upsets of others a little too much to heart... It's not that being empathetic is inherently a bad thing, but I think it's certainly possible to be overly empathetic. It doesn't feel good, and it doesn't help anyone.
ReplyDeleteBeing self aware helps a lot I find, but still it will creep in if I'm not paying attention or get distracted and I'm like, "Oh yeah, I need to stop over empathizing again!" So weird.
DeleteI used to spend a lot of time taking on other peoples' problems because I couldn't stand to see them hurting. When I finally realized how much it was draining me, I put a lot of effort into changing. I had to cut a few people out of my life, but I'm a much happier person for it.
ReplyDeleteI also stopped watching the news because it makes me crazy to see all the problems in the world without being able to fix them. Now I just get headlines sent to my inbox and am cautious about which news stories I follow.
Life is for living - that doesn't work so well when I'm buried in the negativity around me.
I had to cut quite a few people out too. The ones who were always in drama or pain.
DeleteI can't watch the news. Haven't watched it in over a decade. I catch news via word of mouth and sometimes on the internet.
I agree 100%. The day I was talking about was people at work mostly that I can't avoid. But I'm trying to get a new job so hopefully that will help.
I had an interesting moment today where co-workers were talking about someone I really adore. I said, "I'm not comfortable gossiping about so-and-so. I'm just going to leave you guys to it," and walked away. It was great to not take on their negativity or feel compelled to defend their target. I should do more of that walking away thing.
DeleteI hope you can put yourself in a more positive workplace. We spend so much damn time there, it really helps to have a healthy group.
I have said that to people at work before too or said, "She's awesome. Whenever I ask her a question she gets back to me super fast."
DeleteI need to remember to wear my earbuds more often.
sometimes you just have to protect yourself, so you are wise to put a cap on what you listen to from some.
ReplyDeletei tell people all the time DO NOT TELL ME ANY SAD STORIES RIGHT NOW! particularly if they are sad PET stories. i just can't handle them. it is one thing to hear such stories if you need a good cry or if you have the the space and ability to listen, to give and to empathize, but not such a great idea if you are already struggling with depression and need to protect yourself from news that will make your situation even worse.
I do fine with it about 95% of the time 'cause I'm pretty damn self aware. But sometimes it gets past me before I realize and it's like a body slam.
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