I am really trying to honor my emotions and just ride them out. The more I fight them, the more frustrated I get. This just makes things snowball and ends up hurting more than helping me. I know this, yet I continue to do it time after time. Definition of madness anyone? :)
I have to give a huge shout out to my co-worker Julie who let me vent some stuff out and had me smiling it work for the first time in a while, on Tuesday. That really helped. I didn't have to take it home to Sean. I'm sure he appreciated that.
I listened to way more metal and hardcore music the past few days than I do when I'm feeling chipper. I must say that Converge and At The Gates were huge in my life yesterday. Today is more of a Does It Offend You, Yeah day. I am back to bouncy and goofy and party tunes. Something you'd bounce around the kitchen in your socks to. Carrie, I think it's time to dance soon yes?
Anyways, I finally got to hang out with Janna sans men and have a girl dinner with just her and myself last night. I can not repeat enough how much I love all of these new women in my life. They are beautiful, amazing, intelligent, and good humored ladies. I need to make a conscious effort to schedule a day with Jeanne. She is the only one I have only gotten to talk to a moment here and a moment there. Just as much as I am glad for the two boyfriends, I am also glad to have met all of these new awesome women.
After writing yesterday's post it was like letting pressure out of a pressure cooker. I felt immediately better. I almost just deleted it as the writing of it itself, is what I needed to do. But I want to remain unashamed to put it out there when I'm feeling super bitchy. I'm human and people need to see my ugly side as well as my good side. I don't want to paint some portrait of myself as this always positive, super with it gal, when that's not who I am. I want to be honest above all else.
Today I feel great. I had an awesome date with Sean Tuesday, a great night with Janna last night, and I have a date with Matt tonight. We're going to see my friend Patrick play at one of the bars that I usually don't go to at night, because I can't stand the clientele. But I am going to really try and push boundaries and get over more of my anxiety stuff. I told Matt I can't promise I won't be there 15 minutes and have to leave, but that is bounds better than not walking in at night at all. Baby steps.
Next week I'm going to go to another new place in town that I've avoided due to obvious bro clientele. I am hoping I can get over this stuff. I just hate having to overhear conversations about someone bagging a fat chick, or how radical wakeboarding was last weekend. It hurts my head. I know I'm an ass, but there is a certain subset of society I can't stand. It's the subset called "small minded dumb assholes." But I'm not going to let them keep me out of certain places anymore. Although if it gets too much I totally give myself the right to retreat before I say something horrible that I might regret, or that more likely might make them try and fight my boyfriend. Isn't that always the case? You say something snarky to a dude in a flat-billed baseball cap and instead of addressing you, they immediately go after whatever man you're with? So typical.
Anyways, that is my next venture: to branch out and broaden my social outings. Both of my fellas like really good beers and drinks. Give me a good ol' dark ass dive bar with strong drinks and a pool table any day. But I need to compromise and not do everything on my terms all of the time. So I'm going to really make an effort.
I'm so happy to be back to chipper Melanie. No one likes being depressed or angry, but I REALLY hate it. I am glad that it passes pretty quickly. I am glad I have all of the friends I do to give me hugs and make me laugh. I am glad I have a really comfortable home to retreat to when I need to decompress. I am glad I have a life that is good, and that even though sometimes it's hard to see it, that I deserve all of the good things around me.
Happy picture of the day: Six Feet Under. I love this show. I can watch the episodes over and over.
Oh, how I hate bros, and I know exactly what you mean about the fighting thing. My wife will say something snarky to one, and then he'll say something to me like, "You gonna let your lady talk to me like that, bro?" but since he phrased it that way, I WILL want to fight him for being such a douche to my wife. Plus, statistically, bros are more likely to be all show than even know how to throw a punch, so they really don't scare me. Leaving your guys out of the equation, I'm pretty sure you could take one.
ReplyDeleteI have a hard time trusting people who deny their darker sides. We all have one. And it's the "sweetness and light" freaks who are "on" all the time that irritate the crap out of me...you are right, it is very important to always honor, without judgment, whatever you are feeling!
ReplyDeleteExactly! I am really working on honoring my feelings and emotions.
DeleteThe always cheery and "on" people scare the bejeezus outta me.
As well they should...I asked a lady one day how she managed to not have a nose bleed every day of her life, seeing as how her horse was so high up! I believe those people need a hug more than we do.
ReplyDeleteHaha! I love you! I said that exact same thing to something once about them being so high on their soap box.
Delete' there is a certain subset of society I can't stand. It's the subset called "small minded dumb assholes." '
ReplyDeleteI couldn't agree more!
Glad to hear you're feeling better today! My moods have been a bit manic lately, but I think I'm pulling out of it. I have been trying to take a hike once a week because the woods have this pacifying affect on me that I don't get just by walking or running in my neighborhood or in the city. Being amongst the trees lifts my spirits and calms me and it's a great escape from the daily crap.
You mentioned you'll be in the south soon. Where are you headed?
I got so manic yesterday I couldn't shut up. It was crazy!!
DeleteI'll be in New Orleans October 11-14. I've never been. I can't wait!!
well glad you are feeling chipper!
ReplyDeleteit is interesting that we have another thing in common. i HATE going to certain places with certain clientele (beverly hills, art galleries -- anywhere that contains hipster doofus and pretentious types), so i usually try and avoid those places. but......avoiding those places sometimes means not getting to see good bands, good art, etc. so you are wise to try scenes you don't normally like. you can always leave if it is as terrible as you thought it would be, but it would be kind of awesome if it was better than you expected.
i think my main motto in life is to hope for the best and prepare for the worst.
anyway! this post is making me think i should try a little harder and branch out a tiny bit, even if i fear the worst. i could try. just a little! :)
I'm gonna try. But I still have a temper and I'm afraid I'll haul off and knock someone out. Those kind of dicks call the cops. The places I frequent people just duke it out. No law gets involved.
DeleteBranching out is good. But knowing your boundaries is good too.
I am glad you could vent through your blog, and that you feel better now. Sometimes, that's all it takes. And I had to laugh at that brilliant line about "small minded dumb assholes"! I loved this. I have my own pet peeve: Soccer moms/Stepford Wives that I hate to be around, and avoid at all costs, like you with the rude dude bars.
ReplyDeleteNothing gets under my skin like the The Stepford Wife/Soccer Mom. She's had lots of "work" done, yet has never really worked a day in her life, she drives a ginormous SUV with gold rims (usually over curbs b/c she's on the phone) her husband is away a lot because he's "so important", and her kids shit sunshine.
Yep, they piss me off...bad. Haven't taken one out yet, but it's only a matter of time. LOL
Oooh girl I feel you. Once I was going to get ice cream. Inside the parlor were tons of overly made up moms with strollers. I wanted ice cream, but not badly enough to walk in and have to be surrounded by that shit.
DeleteSoooo glad you are feeling better. You made it through to the other side and that is wonderful.
ReplyDeleteHave a fun date night tonight, awesome woman!
Thanks momma!
DeleteLove.you.to.bits.