My Struggle Will Never Be Over

Hi, my name is Melanie, and I have a borderline OCD anxiety disorder. For many years I drank/drugged/self abused it away in any way I could. I didn't deal with it at all. I did whatever I could to numb myself and distract myself so that I didn't have to pay any attention to it. When I was young I would worry about things most kids didn't. I took to a habit of rubbing my hands as an act of self-soothing. But I would rub so hard I would rub off layers of skin and it would hurt so bad I couldn't pick things up. I would rub my neck, my chest, my arms, and other places to give my fingers and palms of my hands a rest. I started cutting when I was in my early teens but I really hated the scarring and so I stopped that completely. The release it gave me couldn't compete with how stressed I got leaving marks on myself. After high school I went off the deep end with drugs. Ecstacy, and LSD were my favorites. Every weekend I went on a bender. I discovered crystal meth and cocaine. Then I discovered the kicker: heroin. I liked it so much that I only allowed myself to do it every few months because I refused to become a junkie. I almost died of an overdose, then did it one more time. I became a blackout drunk. I drank a huge bottle of Jameson in one sitting, and wouldn't remember hours of a day.

I got clean and stayed sober for three years. In that three years I got to know myself really well. I did everything I was told I was supposed to in order to understand why I drank and drugged like I did. I took in to account all of my own personal responsibility for why my life became such a mess. Slowly but surely, I fixed it. I am in no way perfect, but I developed coping mechanisms, and I am thankful for that three years. I started drinking on occasion about a year ago. I have done well with it. I have had a bottle of Jameson on my counter since Xmas and have only made two drinks out of it. I would have NEVER had a bottle last that long before. I drink like a normal person. I remember what happened the night before. I don't wake up with blazing hangovers. It's awesome.

My anxiety sometimes seems like it's getting worse, but I think that's only when I'm in the thick of it. I have challenged a lot of my anxiety triggers. I can go to public places that are more crowded and sometimes I can actually stay and hang out. I can drive to my folks' house in Elk Grove right in the middle of stop and go traffic. I can have people over my house and not die if more than ten people show up. But the one thing I know is: I will always have anxiety issues. I am never going to be one of those people for whom calm is a regular state of being. I freak out about things at least once an hour during my waking life. I just don't fly in to a panic attack all of the time like I used to.

I have given in to taking the occasional Xanax. I only take 1/2 at a time, and 10 pills will last me about three months. I don't ever want to take anything on a regular basis. I am just not comfortable being pill dependent. I know that if I were to get on a mood stabilizer I would probably operate better and life would be easier, but I won't do it. I won't do it until I am so crippled by my mood swings that I can't avoid it. I find that behavior modification, meditation, and acupuncture are working for me along with the occasional Xanax, and I'm cool with that.

The people around me are very good about helping me when I am in a panic mode. They know that sometimes we will be out and then all of a sudden I'll need to leave. They understand if I need to take a pill I'm not just doing it to disengage and not cope, I am doing it because if I don't I will go in to full panic mode and be down for the count for hours. I am having a house concert at the end of next month. A house concert that will be really hard for me. It's something I wouldn't even have attempted when I first bought my house. 40 some odd people in my tiny home. I know that night will be a Xanax night. I know that there is probably no way in hell I'm getting through that night without the help of pharmaceuticals. I'm trying to get more comfortable with the fact that I am not weak because I can't just calm myself down in some situations. My brain is broke. It's never not going to be broke. I still haven't accepted that, but I'm working on it.

What I am really thankful for is even through the really tough times when my anxiety made me feel defeated or depressed, I never acted out on the thoughts that people in my life would probably be better off without me here. A co-worker's friend just had their 16 year old son hang himself, and I can't imagine the sense of loss and hurt that that family must be going through, because that young boy thought that things were so harsh that he would be better off just ending it. My thoughts go out to his family and friends. No matter what goes on in my life and even if sometimes I just want to withdraw, I know that there is always a light out there and things to discover that I haven't yet experienced. I am glad I feel loved and know that no matter what I'm going through, I don't have to ever give up and go back to living a life where I didn't take care of myself and treat myself well.

Happy picture of the day: shame cat! Every time I see Roxy sleeping like this I ask her, "Oh, what have you done that you need to hide your face??" I've officially turned in to a cat person. I talk to them constantly.