When an adult says, "I miss you since you're not on Facebook" both of their eyes fall out and they have five seconds to find them and put them back in before they are permanently blind.
If you pick up the phone to return a non-emergency text while sharing a meal in a public place, you will have to pay the bill of everyone in said public place.
If you play a hand of Words With Friends while out with a significant other you have to light yourself on fire and then sit there like a monk until you are dead.
If you can't even go a half hour in the car without being on the phone, your lips fall off.
If you rush in to elevators/busses/trains before letting passengers exit 1000 bees fly up your ass and sting you on your sphincter. Yes, I know your sphincter isn't inside your asshole but it just sounded funnier to me this way.
Getting mad at someone for unfriending you, instantly renders you unable to procreate.
If you show up more than 15 minutes late without sending a text or calling to let someone know you are running late, you have painful urination for a week. This only applies to dinner parties or dinners out where there are reservations involved. If you are just going to a party that is from like noon to six, this does not apply.
If you are upset with someone and talk shit, but never discuss the matter with the person you are upset with, you get to slide down a giant razor blade in to a pool of rubbing alcohol.
Uttering, "We got in a Facebook fight" will be instant reason for someone to stab you in the face, and receive no punishment for it.
If you ride my ass while we are on an exit ramp from the freeway, I can slam on my brakes and make you hit me. Then you have to buy me a new car.
If you are at a table making comments about, "Oh, there is nothing here I can eat. It's all so fattening!" you instantly gain 100 pounds which you can never lose.
Okay, that's enough ranting for now. This cold is making me punchy and I have very little patience for humans today. And I can't even BEGIN to express how tired I am of everyone having to constantly remind me that it's hard for them to remember to invite me to stuff since I don't have Facebook. Here's the thing: if you forget, I won't care. Friendship is not about convenience or me doing something I don't want to do, to make your life easier.
Happy picture of the day: Ryan Gosling. Because I just wanted to look at Ryan Gosling today.
Haha this is all so true... god I hate people lol x
ReplyDeleteThanks Scarlet. I'm not a huge fan of most people either.
DeleteOh, I love this picture! I needed a little pick me up and your hysterical post capped of with that hot picture did the trick :)
ReplyDeleteOh, wait, I just thought of another one. People that will only comment on posts if you've commented on theirs, or get mad.if you didn't comment on theirs, but did on someone else's, should be dipped in melted honey and rolled in cat fur :)
DeleteYou are welcome!
DeleteAnd amen on the commenting. I have to comment from my phone so I rarely do, and it's usually very brief.
Oh my gosh, this post. I can certainly relate to the facebook sentiments and the picking up a cell phone to text or play games in the presence of others. And that thing about driving around talking on the phone all the time. Ugh. I ABHOR talking on the phone anyway, what is so all fired important that I see lots of folks gabbing away about at 7 a.m.??? Someone calls me at 7 a.m. on my cell phone, their hair, house and small pets better be on fire. Actually, you know what? I can AMEN every one of these. Every consonant and vowel. This is a brilliant post.
ReplyDeleteAnd to harp more on Facebook - I am on it, but have, over time, grown SO tired of it, and see it as such a time-waster. I have taken a complete sabbatical this month and OH MY STARS it is wonderful. I don't miss it! At all! Here's what confirmed for me that stepping away was the perfect thing to do. The last status that a 'friend' posted and showed up in my 'newsfeed' (I find the use of friend and news to be so cheapened now but it all) was this:
_______(she will remain nameless although I ought to publish it and expose such stupidity)______ is SOOOOOO gassy - ew!
I kid you not. Now I know girls pass the fluff too, but come on!!!! I don't care if you're male, female or goat, I don't CARE if you have the farts!!!!!
Sounds like we could have a 'solve the world's problems' session over cheesecake today and accomplish a lot! :)
Thank you so much for the laugh. People who post about farts are second worst to people who post everything their kids do.
DeleteMy thing is: I could give a rat's if you don't invite me to something. So don't act like I am a huge inconvenience in your life because I don't have a Facebook. It's ridiculous.
Fbr real! Gah! What did we do to gather our friends before Facebook? Pick up a phone, for crying out loud! Hmph.
DeleteYes, I know about the kid thing too. In a small, twisted way though, I breathe a sigh of relief when I see pic after pic of baby Sweet Face eating bananas, baby Sweet Face playing with blocks, etc. that I am past that VERY exhausting stage. Loved my babies but I love that I am in a different stage now. It makes me wonder WHAT this generation of kids will be like as they grow up where virtually EVERYTHING they did was in front of a camera and plastered everywhere? What will the ramifications of that be?
I understand taking a monthly baby photo, but who needs 5000 pictures of anything? How about you put your phone down and hang out with the kid instead?
DeleteI'm sure my therapist would have a lot to say about why I found "you have to light yourself on fire and then sit there like a monk until you are dead," hilariously funny!
ReplyDeleteGod I love it went you rant. xx
I am glad you liked that one! I kept envisioning it and laughing. Glad someone else is as sick as I am.
DeleteI should definitely rant more often.
If not for the elevator doors closing, I would have gotten in a fight with pushy lady in her 40's who shoved her way on before letting almost 10 people off. Instead I called her a rude ass, impatient old pants-shitter, told her I hope she dies alone and endured the sideways stares of the others who got off with me. But seriously, so what if I cursed up a storm? People who try to get on an elevator or bus or train before others get off deserve hideous torture.
ReplyDeleteMaybe we can take all of these types of people and subject them to Clockwork Orange like torture until they learn empathy.
By the way, for some reason your blog stopped showing up in my reader feader. I had to re-follow you (in case you wondered or cared).
Pants-shitter? hahahahhah.
DeleteThat is my new favorite put down of all time. People who bum rush doors are evil. I should start just grabbing them by the face and shoving them back off the elevator/bus/train without saying a word. I think that would be very effective.
As for the following thing, it doesn't surprise me. Blogger does stupid shit all the time. Once it dropped like five blogs from my follow feed. Luckily I follow only like 30 blogs so I noticed. Thanks for re-following Pickleope.
I'm okay with all of this. ALL OF THIS.
ReplyDeleteEspecially the smartphone/Facebook ones. Can I add one? If you're at a concert and you spend the entire time recording it with your shitty smartphone, you need to mosh pit with the entire New England Patriots defensive unit until you're crushed to death.
Best concert I ever went to, the singer stopped half way through and said, "Okay, look, there are already a TON of shitty cellphone copies of my songs floating around Youtube. We don't need another. So put down your damn phones, stop pretending to enjoy the moment through a 2 inch screen, and just enjoy the music through your own eyes and ears. It's a lot better, trust me."
You could have heard a pin drop. It was beautiful.
Yes! How the hell did I forget that one? At the Go Go's the guy in front of me had his phone up and I smacked the back of his head and told him I didn't pay to watch the concert through a 3" screen and he needed to get the hell out of my way.
DeleteAt Mayer Hawthorne, Mayer actually said, "Okay, picture time!" He proceeded to pose funnily for about 5 minutes then he said, "Now put your phones away and enjoy the show. I don't want to see those things out again." I fell in love with him right then and there.