And Then, I Completely Broke

These are the posts that none of us with anxiety and depression issues ever want to write. We want to avoid them and write when we're angry or feeling goofy, or when we're extremely happy. We most certainly do not want to write when we feel utterly deflated. That's why I think it's so important that I write this.

Today, I feel hopeless. I only have 20 dollars until the 31st. I just got a bill from my dentist for 117 dollars. My PG&E bill was 35 dollars more than it usually is because it's been so cold here. My mortgage payment is 150 dollars up for the next year. It feels like everything is crashing down on me. Everything people do annoys me. I am having nightmares, horrible ones, about having to take in a roommate for a year so that I am not broke all the time. Now, my logical brain knows these are first world problems. I can logically understand I am lucky to have a job and a roof over my head. But that doesn't make one damn bit of difference when I am in this space. That to me, is the hardest part.

Last night I was supposed to go to a movie premier with one of the boyfriends. He texted to ask if he should be over at 6:30. I had told him a few days ago we needed to be there at 6 as they overprint tickets. I got pissed he hadn't put it on his calendar. So I said, "You know what? I don't even want to go. I don't have time to replan everything because you don't remember the details." One of my peeves is when I make plans with someone and they don't write it down. So I told him to just come over for chili dogs and we could talk.

I am glad that I recognize that I was angry because I'm so stressed and feeling horrible. I told him he hadn't done anything wrong but that I'd really appreciate if in the future he would use his calendar to write down times and dates that we have things planned. I started crying on his shoulder about how much I need a new job, and about how I just feel like things are overwhelming right now and I don't see a bright spot in sight. I feel broken and I feel needy and this is the place where I am most uncomfortable. I usually don't show this side. I keep my brave face on. But even that mask is broken right now and I'm trying to be okay with that. I am vulnerable, and I'm not going to die if people know I'm not a machine able to overcome all obstacles at all times.

When I got home last night I had a huge gulp of Jameson. It was so good. I didn't have any more after that. I am still shocked that I am able to not get completely obliterated every time I'm upset, since that it what I used to do. I was proud of myself for a split second before I remembered that I feel terrible and some little victory like not finishing off a bottle of booze can't be celebrated just yet. It should be, but I am just unable to do so.

I texted Sean to tell him if he doesn't hear from me for a day or two it has nothing to do with him. I just really feel like going home to silence, plugging in the phone and staying away from it, and meditating and exercising. Tomorrow night I am babysitting for Charles and Jess so they can have a kid-free night. I will play Barbies with Scarlet and Mario games with Ethan. It will be nice. Right now I'm at work just struggling to stay tear free. Trying to drown myself in busy so I don't have to think about things.

I got a message on Couchsurfing that a guy from England needs a place to stay for a month. I told him if he can throw down 200 bucks to help with utilities and food he can have the guest room. It'll be like a trial to see if I can actually live with someone again, and it will be helpful. Plus, I could really use the money. I am not in any way looking forward to it. I like living alone. I like coming home to peace and quiet and putting the tv on to whatever I want to watch, throwing on my jammies, and making dinner. I like to occasionally throw the iPod on to the iHome and blast music like a teenager and sing along while I fold laundry. I am willing to give up all of these things for a little more financial security, maybe.

Lily, I love and adore you. Your email last night couldn't have come at a better time. Thanks for being you, and being amazing.

Happy picture of the day: this was the view outside of my door yesterday morning. The picture didn't capture the extreme beauty of this sunrise, but you get the idea.