And Then, I Completely Broke

These are the posts that none of us with anxiety and depression issues ever want to write. We want to avoid them and write when we're angry or feeling goofy, or when we're extremely happy. We most certainly do not want to write when we feel utterly deflated. That's why I think it's so important that I write this.

Today, I feel hopeless. I only have 20 dollars until the 31st. I just got a bill from my dentist for 117 dollars. My PG&E bill was 35 dollars more than it usually is because it's been so cold here. My mortgage payment is 150 dollars up for the next year. It feels like everything is crashing down on me. Everything people do annoys me. I am having nightmares, horrible ones, about having to take in a roommate for a year so that I am not broke all the time. Now, my logical brain knows these are first world problems. I can logically understand I am lucky to have a job and a roof over my head. But that doesn't make one damn bit of difference when I am in this space. That to me, is the hardest part.

Last night I was supposed to go to a movie premier with one of the boyfriends. He texted to ask if he should be over at 6:30. I had told him a few days ago we needed to be there at 6 as they overprint tickets. I got pissed he hadn't put it on his calendar. So I said, "You know what? I don't even want to go. I don't have time to replan everything because you don't remember the details." One of my peeves is when I make plans with someone and they don't write it down. So I told him to just come over for chili dogs and we could talk.

I am glad that I recognize that I was angry because I'm so stressed and feeling horrible. I told him he hadn't done anything wrong but that I'd really appreciate if in the future he would use his calendar to write down times and dates that we have things planned. I started crying on his shoulder about how much I need a new job, and about how I just feel like things are overwhelming right now and I don't see a bright spot in sight. I feel broken and I feel needy and this is the place where I am most uncomfortable. I usually don't show this side. I keep my brave face on. But even that mask is broken right now and I'm trying to be okay with that. I am vulnerable, and I'm not going to die if people know I'm not a machine able to overcome all obstacles at all times.

When I got home last night I had a huge gulp of Jameson. It was so good. I didn't have any more after that. I am still shocked that I am able to not get completely obliterated every time I'm upset, since that it what I used to do. I was proud of myself for a split second before I remembered that I feel terrible and some little victory like not finishing off a bottle of booze can't be celebrated just yet. It should be, but I am just unable to do so.

I texted Sean to tell him if he doesn't hear from me for a day or two it has nothing to do with him. I just really feel like going home to silence, plugging in the phone and staying away from it, and meditating and exercising. Tomorrow night I am babysitting for Charles and Jess so they can have a kid-free night. I will play Barbies with Scarlet and Mario games with Ethan. It will be nice. Right now I'm at work just struggling to stay tear free. Trying to drown myself in busy so I don't have to think about things.

I got a message on Couchsurfing that a guy from England needs a place to stay for a month. I told him if he can throw down 200 bucks to help with utilities and food he can have the guest room. It'll be like a trial to see if I can actually live with someone again, and it will be helpful. Plus, I could really use the money. I am not in any way looking forward to it. I like living alone. I like coming home to peace and quiet and putting the tv on to whatever I want to watch, throwing on my jammies, and making dinner. I like to occasionally throw the iPod on to the iHome and blast music like a teenager and sing along while I fold laundry. I am willing to give up all of these things for a little more financial security, maybe.

Lily, I love and adore you. Your email last night couldn't have come at a better time. Thanks for being you, and being amazing.

Happy picture of the day: this was the view outside of my door yesterday morning. The picture didn't capture the extreme beauty of this sunrise, but you get the idea.

The Blame Game

According to how many people play it, you would think it was the most fun game in all the world! People seem to love whining and finger pointing about why they are having such a hard time, why something went wrong, or why their life is so drama filled. Instead of doing what makes sense and just figuring out how to fix stuff, everyone always feels so much better talking about how "So and so did this and it is stressing me out!!" Valid rant. But more valid would be, "Why is it stressing you out? Is there anything you can do to fix it? If not, maybe the people always stressing you out don't need to be around anymore."

If there is one theme I overhear most often when I'm being the nosey ass busy body at work that I am, it's "I can't believe ________ did ___________. What an ass!" And believe you me, I find myself sometimes doing it too. Who doesn't? The difference between the people I value, and these people I hear at work, is it is almost a constant. I can tell you the people in my work area who always have something to bitch and complain about. And as my friend Christina would say about this entry, "Hey Melanie! Are you complaining about the complainers again?" GUILTY!

I know I need to get to a place where I don't worry about it. I need to just laugh about the people who are constantly in strife instead of wanting to yell at them, "You can fix that!" 'Cause I know they don't want to fix it. They want to complain about other people. If you complain about other people and that is your focus, you never have to really look inward and see that the only constant thing in all your stress and strife, is you.

I am lucky and blessed in that work is the only place where I have to deal with people like this. The people I am surrounded by in life outside of work are positive and proactive people. They are messed up and crazy, but they are pretty self aware of it and therefore we can all laugh about each other's shit. We take it in stride and when bad stuff happens we figure out what we need to do to make it better, and we do it. One time my sister called and immediately started complaining. I said, "One day you're going to call and say life is good and you're happy, and I'm going to fucking die of a heart attack. Why is it that you never have anything good to say? Your life can't be that bad. And if it is, why is that?" She was not happy, but after at least 10 conversations, all about complaints, I had to say SOMETHING. I can only listen and be passive for so long.

I have a grand idea, whenever something super shitty happens in your life totally vent about the person that pissed you off. Then think about if that person always pisses you off. Then next time they piss you off, you can't say shit because you chose to let that person stay in your life. It goes back to my rule, "You are allowed to complain about something three times, then you need to do something to fix it if it's fixable." And don't tell me something isn't fixable unless it's a severe health issue. Otherwise, it can be fixed. It's just a matter of being proactive, or shutting up about it already.

Now excuse me while I go working about fixing all of my bitching about people who bitch. In the meantime, watch this ridiculous thing that should be a joke, but sadly isn't. They also have a yoga video. I have dubbed this video "Cardio for Suicide Girls who we wish would actually commit suicide." The yoga one I would suggest they all do the pose: "Go die in a fire." What do you mean that isn't a yoga pose? Shut up.
Cardio For Indie Rockers. So many things are wrong with this. Just SO.MANY.THINGS.

Oh, you don't believe me about the yoga one? Yoga For Indie Rockers. My friend Ilene dubbed it "Yoga for Hot Topic workers." So true.

You don't get a happy picture of the day. Those videos are all kindsa crappy pictures of the day.

Insomnia

I know I have written about this before, but as I am smack dab in the middle of one of the worst runs of non-sleep I've ever experienced besides when I used to do meth, I am writing about it again.

For the past two weeks there has only been one night where I've slept longer than four hours in a stretch. I have this thing I do a lot of times where I sleep in shifts. I'll sleep from 9-1, then I'm up 'til 5, then back asleep 'til I have to get up for work. As any of you who sleep like this can attest to, this just makes it feel like you only got as much sleep as you did on that last shift. It is exhausting. And unlike in my 20s, my body does not bounce back the way it used to.

Last Saturday night I slept from midnight 'til 8 in the morning. I was so excited about this that I got up and went for a run, then headed to the farmer's market all full of energy. If I sleep more than 6 hours it's a god damned miracle. I am now to the point where I am totally ready to go on some sort of low dose sedative like Klonipin. I researched and it's far less habit forming than the other anti-anxietals like Xanax and Ativan. So I'm calling my doctor today.

I have marijuana at home. I have used it a few times, but because of my addictive past I don't want it to be a daily use thing. So in the past few weeks I have smoked once. I don't know why I view it as more of a drug than the pain pills I have to take for my back occasionally, or an anti-anxietal, but I do. I think because I know so many people that claim to use it for medicinal purposes, that are just lying potheads who use it to numb their lives. I don't ever want to become that. So I am extra paranoid about smoking. I know it makes no sense. Welcome to my OCD head.

I am now to the point where I have very little patience for other human beings. You need sleep for a reason. I don't find myself acting on how on edge I feel, but I find myself THINKING far more mean and horrible things when I have gone this long on an insomnia kick. I like sleep. And all of you out there who fall asleep quickly, and sleep through the night, need to count your blessings.

I just had one of my dates cancel for tonight. Usually that would annoy me. But I'm so damn tired that I'm actually happy to get to go home, roast some brussel sprouts and cook up some swiss chard, and munch on food in my jammies and just veg out. The thought of having to entertain anyone tonight is about the furthest thing from fun I can think of.

I have a coffee date tomorrow morning which will be perfect, 'cause it'll give me an excuse to have a second cup of caffeine in the day, which I usually do not allow myself to do. Saturday evening I have a date with Trouble. Then Sunday I have a brunch date with a chubby fella who is so damn sweet. I am looking forward to all of the dates, mostly because none of them go in to the late night. I need my late nights to drift off in to slumber.

When I first got sober I had this problem bad. I had been using alcohol to help me sleep for so long (or more accurately pass the fuck out) that I had forgotten how bad my insomnia really was. It goes in waves. I will be really happy when this wave is over.

Happy picture of the day: I love these fake motivational posters, and this one is fitting today.

Source

Never More Than You Can Handle

There is a saying that people like to throw around that life never gives you more than you can handle. I throw it around too. I got a phone call from my mom yesterday morning that she was following my father in an ambulance because they thought he had a heart attack, and I repeated this phrase over and over in my head. I was walking from my car to work when I got the call. I immediately started crying and cussing because I had a rejuvenating weekend and was starting to feel decent again. This call came and I felt like the world had punched me in the gut, taking all my good cheer and most of my breath with the blow. Of course I had to make it all about me for a split second. I quickly went back in to worry about my dad, then my mom, mode.

I was sitting at work for what felt like forever waiting to hear back from her. Sitting at work wondering why it had been almost an hour and no call back. The not knowing is worse than anything I have ever experienced. You see, even though this is not my birth father, he is my dad. He was there for me for as long as I can remember being stern, setting limits, and giving hugs when I needed them. He is why I am where I am today, moreso than anyone else on the planet.

My mind raced to a million different places in the next few minutes after that phone call. I immediately prayed that he was okay not only for his sake, but for my mom's. My mom does not do well alone. My mom has never been single longer than a year or so in her adult life. Even if they said the heart attack wasn't severe and he'd be fine, I'd need to leave and be there for her. As I stated in a previous entry I am more the mother to my mom, than she is to me. I want to be there for her to lean on. Even though there were so many times when she wasn't that person for me, it is really important that I be that person for her.

I was at the hospital yesterday from 9 am until 8 pm. When I left they were thinking perhaps he had acute pancreatitis. A heart attack had been ruled out by about 11, then it became some maddening guessing game for hours on end. Like an episode of House, only without the scruffy attractive smartass guy with a limp. I ran home around 1 pm to pack a bag so I could stay with my mom and she wouldn't have to come home to an empty house. I checked on the kitty cats and made sure the bird had fresh water. I looked up to the sky and thanked whatever powers that be, that I am present and able to do this, whereas not too long ago I would've had to go and get drunk or high to deal. It doesn't have to be all about me anymore. It's a really nice feeling.

I have had acute pancreatitis. More than likely he'll just have to be in the hospital a few days 'til his lipid levels even out, then they'll remove his gall bladder laproscopically and he'll come home, needing about a week of taking it easy. Then he'll have a mighty feisty tummy. But at least it wasn't a heart attack. At least it wasn't something far worse.

Happy picture of the day: half of the time I feel like this.

Seriously.

Today, I Feel Lonely

Most days I know how good I am at being single. How independent I am and how okay it is to wait for the right person, rather than settle on an okay person. But today is one of those days where I feel like I'm going to be alone forever. And today I don't like it.

I miss having someone coming home to a note on the door that says, "Follow the notes to the bathtub" where I've left a six pack of his favorite beer on ice, and some of his favorite bands playing on a mix cd I've made. Then when he calls up, "Honey, I'm lonely up here!" I go up and read him stories from Little Little Golden Books and we laugh.

I miss someone coming over to my house, looking like they've had a rough day, and being able to say, "Lay down babe. Let me give you a massage and then we'll make you something awesome for dinner."

I miss snuggling and watching horrible/good/bad/funny movies.

I miss walking in to a room where someone has just woke up, putting on the iHome and doing dances while saying, "You know you want to get up and join this awesome dance party mister!"

I miss laying in bed all day putting off the cleaning/worrying/cooking/anything in life that feels pressing, until I can't stand it anymore and I have to get up 'cause it's been so long since we've had food, we're dying of hunger.

I miss looking in to someone's eyes and feeling like they love me so much it hurts them to be away from me.

I miss that connection you have with someone that is so real and completely untarnished that every moment with them feels like this is exactly where you should be.

I miss pretty much everything that there is when a romantic relationship is really good. I haven't had it in quite some time, and I'm hoping to have it again some time in the future.

Okay, I have to stop now as I'm tearing up and feeling sorry for myself, and I most certainly don't want to go there. It is days like today that I am reminded why I spent all those years drinking and drugging. Feeling like this is totally a suckfest. I never had to feel like this back then, 'cause I never really felt anything at all. I know this is better. But today, right now, it doesn't feel all that much like it is.

Sad picture of the day (I just couldn't post a happy one) is from PostSecret. It made me so sad that there is an older person out there that feels like they have to hide ANYTHING. I hope to always feel like I can just express the truth that I'm feeling at the moment, like I'm doing in this post, without feeling so ashamed that I don't post/say it.

It may be too late, but to lighten this up a bit I just saw the Samuel L. Jackson iPhone 4S commercial. Every time it's on I really wish he'd ask, "Siri, how we gonna get these mothafuckin' snakes off this mothafuckin' plane?" A close second would be if he asked her where Big Kahuna Burger is.

Happy Valentine's Day

I've always been pretty "meh" about Valentine's Day. I show my loved ones I care about them year round. This is the first year I haven't been single in quite some time so I'm going to a fancy dinner with my boyfriend, best friend, and her boyfriend. I am looking forward to it, but it's really no different than any other day. All I know is, if Rich doesn't show up with some lame homemade card or something I'm gonna be bummed. He's not very thoughtful when it comes to stuff like that and I have to prod him sometimes, and decided I wasn't going to do it about this holiday, which really isn't much of a holiday at all.

I'm pretty grumpy overall because I'm on day nine of horrible lower back pain. I'm out of pain meds and the ibuprofen just doesn't cut it. I made an appointment for Friday so hopefully I can get in to physical therapy or learn some better exercises. The ones they gave me to do before aren't working. I also need to get a new chair at work. This one stinks to high heaven.

Anyways, I don't really have anything to say today that isn't whining and complaining, and I really don't want to put that out there on a day full of flowers and hearts. I hope you all have a lovely day with your loved ones, and eat far too much chocolate. :)

Happy picture of the day: new plugs I got from etsy. I heart them.

VDay early update: So I got two things for Valentine's already, and both totally made me smile. First, the saddest excuse for a heart shaped cookie I've ever seen.

We'll call it the giant guitar pick cookie. Or for the not so polite: the vaginal rash cookie.

 Next, the best Valentine card I've ever gotten. Thanks Kymberley!

"Dearest Melanie, Happiest of Valentine's Days! If I was a lesbian you would be my first choice. Kymberley." You can't beat that with a stick!

Work Peeves

If I ran my Agency, things would be a little different. I would give supervisors the right to send people home without pay for the day, for so many reasons. I would also fire about 1/4 of the work force who sit around all day on the internet, while claiming they don't have time to finish their projects. I'm going to go ahead and include my short commute time peeves on this one too.

1. It is never okay to trim your nails at your desk.

2. If you can't make a meeting/training in the first 15 minutes, don't go. Get the talking points from someone else who attended, or attend the next scheduled meeting on said topic.

3. If you are at a meeting on your iPhone/Blackberry texting and checking email the whole time, the team leader should be able to call you out by name, then cross your name off the sign in sheet. You weren't really there, if you were playing on your phone the whole time. Now I get some people have to check the occasional message while in a meeting, but you can tell those people from the ones that are just being jackholes. If you don't want to be at a meeting, don't be.

4. Clean up after yourself in shared workspace. If you removed staples, throw them out. If you used the microwave and things splattered, wipe it up. Your dirty dishes should not be left on the counter. It is not okay to bring a month's worth of food at a time, and take up all the room in the fridge.

5. I don't care how much you don't like a co-worker, you never have the right to be downright rude to someone, or belittling.

6. This is an office. Dress like it. We don't have a dress code but that doesn't mean sweats or leggings as pants are appropriate. Folks who dress like this are also the ones who complain they aren't promoting. Get this: the world is not fair, you are judged on your appearance. Dress for the job you want, not that job you have.

7. I won't mind your business if you don't mind mine. I don't care how late you come in, how long a lunch you take, how many personal phone calls you're on, or how early you leave. However, I am observant. If you try and throw me under the bus I will bring up that I find it hard for you to know how I filed something, since you were on a 2 1/2 hour personal phone call about how your daughter keeps skipping school.

8. Just because I eat lunch at my desk, does not mean I do not deserve the one hour lunch break that everyone else gets. At my old job I had a small white board where I wrote, "Lunch" or "Break." Here, I don't have that, but I do have a voice that will turn and say, "I'm actually on my lunch right now but if you shoot me an email I'll get to that when I'm back on the clock."

9. It is fine to decorate and make your cubicle your own. It is not a proper place to proclaim your love for the Lord Jesus, or put pictures up of your premature baby as a sad cry for attention. There was actually a woman who had a huge Jesus poster, and like 50 crosses at her desk. So we started genuflecting when we walked by. It seemed only appropriate.

10. If someone calls it is never okay to say, "That's not my job." You find out a contact and send the person along to who can help them. I have actually overheard people say, "Our division doesn't handle that" and hang up. Seriously?

11. It is not okay to text, eat, put on make up, or anything else while driving. Get up earlier and get what you need done before you get behind the wheel. NO ONE is good at texting and driving. I used to always call "drunk driver" but now half of the time it's "texting driver." Seriously, I kind of get just writing "driving" while at a stop sign or something, but that's it. No conversation is that important.

12. There is very little free parking space downtown. Park accordingly. Pull up close enough to the car in front of you to leave room for optimum parking, but leave enough room in case the asshat behind you parks on your bumper. I actually had that happen once and left a nice little note. "If you ever park that close to my car again, you're going to come back to a vehicle with no windows."

Okay, I'm done for now. I do super annoying things at work too I'm sure. For one, I'm really blunt and don't beat around the bush or sugar coat things. I also don't attend most work potlucks or parties. Especially if I don't know the person the party is for very well. I think that kind of stuff is weird.

Happy picture of the day: my knife magnet which houses two extraordinarily amazing knives, and one USS Enterprise pizza cutter.

Update: I came back from my power walk around the Capitol I do every day, to find this. I have a co-worker that reads my blog.

I do work with some people who aren't jackelopes. :)

I Don't Like People

Warning: this is a totally bitchy but honest post. If you hate honesty and love flowers and rainbows, please do not read on. If you do read on, I warned you.

I do not like most people. Plain and simple. I think most people are fake and afraid, and are mean to others because they don’t want to do the hard work necessary to be a good and positive individual. Now, I’m not always positive, as shown in this here post. But for the most part I am compassionate and kind. Those whom I don’t care for, I just choose to stay away from. If I come across them I politely ignore them. Now, I didn’t used to. I used to cause them grave bodily injury. What a waste of time and energy.

I am extremely blessed to be surrounded by some extraordinary people. None are perfect, but all are beautifully flawed in a way that makes me love them all the more. I have rich friends, I have poor friends, I have chubby friends, I have teeny friends, I have loud friends, and I have quiet friends. The one thing they all have in common is that they are GOOD.

I used to feel great sorrow for people who didn’t like themselves and projected that on to others. I would take them in like captain save a ho. I thought that maybe if they had a good friend in their lives, it would help them to see their self worth, and they would stop being so cuntish. This never worked. You can’t change or help others. People really have to reflect and change themselves. I find this generally happens through a dramatic event in life, or just one day they wake up and realize they are not the person they want to be. Never has a person had someone say, “Oh man, you need to change this” and miraculously changed said behavior/personality trait. It comes from within.

I would never try and change another human being. I think that’s the problem with a lot of relationships, be they friendships or romantic. If you can’t accept and love a person’s flaws, then let them go. The one flaw that Rich has that I can’t abide by is him showing up late or his lack of being prepared. And I guarantee you if this wasn’t something he had mentioned he was working on before I even brought it up, I wouldn’t be with him. I am being way more patient with him than I am with most people, because I know he is really trying to work on it. And to be perfectly honest, there is just SO MUCH good in him. So much that I love about him, that it’s something I am willing to try and set aside and accept until he works it out and realizes if it’s even something he CAN fix. Sometimes behaviors are so ingrained in a person’s personality, it’s not going anywhere. And that’s totally okay.

There are people I see out and about with their fake name brand purses and sunglasses, and I brutally make fun of them. It’s my personality flaw that I know isn’t going anywhere: I make fun of people. And you know what? I don’t feel bad about it. I’m sure when I wear my baby blue Huggy Bear pimp coat, people are making fun of me, and I accept that. I just really hope that what they are saying is amusing. There is nothing worse than someone making fun of someone else, yet it is a huge comedy fail. I actually like when friends make fun of me to my face, and it’s so damn good I can’t even come back with something devastating, ‘cause I’m too busy laughing at what they just said. Like when I was commenting about how I had some pimples on my rear and how gross it was and Rich said, “Yeah, I’m glad most those things are gone. Those are nasty.” I mean, simple observation. And I laughed for like 5 minutes before I said, “Hey, that’s not right! I don’t make fun of your man fur!” Then I quickly realized I DO make fun of his human bear traits, and I shut right up. Just for the record, I never found hairy men attractive. But I love this man so much that his hair is actually adorable to me. It really is. When I find one of his curly cues in bed, before I get disgusted and throw it away, I actually get a little half smile because I think, “Aww, Rich left a hair in my bed.” (Shut up. I know it’s disgusting. I’ve got it bad and I am not ashamed. I adore this man. He is the first person in many years that makes me feel special. I can actually feel his adoration without him saying a word. It’s nice, and I totally realize how lucky I am).

Wait, this was supposed to be an uber mean post! Do I not have mean in me anymore? I totally started this with the intention of being downright bitchy. Bitch fail. Oh well. I guess if there’s something you’re going to fail at, failing at being a bitch is the one to go with.

Picture of the day: me being smarmy. I took this when I was in San Diego. I sent it to Rich so he would miss me. It worked. Notice the classy shirt. I was born in '74 and always wanted the shirt since it says "Hardcore since '74" so I bought myself one at the Hustler store in San Diego. And I think if it's possible to make the duck face, without actually making the duck face, I'm doing so in this picture.