I miss having someone coming home to a note on the door that says, "Follow the notes to the bathtub" where I've left a six pack of his favorite beer on ice, and some of his favorite bands playing on a mix cd I've made. Then when he calls up, "Honey, I'm lonely up here!" I go up and read him stories from Little Little Golden Books and we laugh.
I miss someone coming over to my house, looking like they've had a rough day, and being able to say, "Lay down babe. Let me give you a massage and then we'll make you something awesome for dinner."
I miss snuggling and watching horrible/good/bad/funny movies.
I miss walking in to a room where someone has just woke up, putting on the iHome and doing dances while saying, "You know you want to get up and join this awesome dance party mister!"
I miss laying in bed all day putting off the cleaning/worrying/cooking/anything in life that feels pressing, until I can't stand it anymore and I have to get up 'cause it's been so long since we've had food, we're dying of hunger.
I miss looking in to someone's eyes and feeling like they love me so much it hurts them to be away from me.
I miss that connection you have with someone that is so real and completely untarnished that every moment with them feels like this is exactly where you should be.
I miss pretty much everything that there is when a romantic relationship is really good. I haven't had it in quite some time, and I'm hoping to have it again some time in the future.
Okay, I have to stop now as I'm tearing up and feeling sorry for myself, and I most certainly don't want to go there. It is days like today that I am reminded why I spent all those years drinking and drugging. Feeling like this is totally a suckfest. I never had to feel like this back then, 'cause I never really felt anything at all. I know this is better. But today, right now, it doesn't feel all that much like it is.
Sad picture of the day (I just couldn't post a happy one) is from PostSecret. It made me so sad that there is an older person out there that feels like they have to hide ANYTHING. I hope to always feel like I can just express the truth that I'm feeling at the moment, like I'm doing in this post, without feeling so ashamed that I don't post/say it.
It may be too late, but to lighten this up a bit I just saw the Samuel L. Jackson iPhone 4S commercial. Every time it's on I really wish he'd ask, "Siri, how we gonna get these mothafuckin' snakes off this mothafuckin' plane?" A close second would be if he asked her where Big Kahuna Burger is.
This is the first time I read your blog and thought it was great. I am in a marriage right now that I want to get out of and after reading your blog, I'm wondering if I should. I am older and doubt if I would find anyone new, but being lonely in a relationship is so hard. Life is hard.
ReplyDeleteOh man, I am SO SORRY that you are going through that.
ReplyDeleteIt really IS hard. But I am at this spot because to me it is more important to be true to myself, than be in a relationship that is just there so I'm not alone. I could easily still be with my ex-boyfriend. I could call him up tonight and he'd be at my house, but I would never do that to myself or to him.
All I can say to you is if you think there is something you can do to save your marriage, do it. It may be just as simple as telling them what you just told me...that you're not happy. I wish you the best. It's not a good situation to be in and my positive thoughts are with you. My email contact is in my profile if you'd like to write and vent it out. :)
What's so important to remember is that you miss that connection and not necessarily the person that you thought you had it with, if you know what I mean. I also think it's so amazing that you are aware enough to know that it seemed so much easier before because you were numbing it out with all of those maladaptive and destructive behaviors (big hypocrite talking here, but whatever.) Now you ARE feeling, and even though it sucks at times, it's real and it's raw and it's you. It's life-the good and the bad-and you can feel both joy and sadness with authenticity.
ReplyDeleteThese feelings are also why so many people just "settle" for less than they deserve. They can't stand feeling alone and would rather be with someone "meh" just to avoid that feeling. This too shall pass. You have a very enriching life with great friends and hobbies and if someone else comes along, they're very lucky. Hang in there ;)
I know. I didn't even have any of those things with Rich, or even the ex before that. I can say it's been more than a decade since I've been in love with someone. And today I miss it.
ReplyDeleteI have to constantly remind myself that feelings are so new, that I am still learning how to cope with them. With all of this new anxiety I'm trying so hard to hide/cope with/conquer, it just seems like too much at times.
Thank you so much for your comment Abby. I'm adore you and I am lucky to know you. I DO have a great group of friends and a pretty great life.
It's just that there is something in me that feels like I was born to be coupled, but that in reality I will probably just end up alone.
I'm getting rid of the cats soon so I can stave off that stereotype. I'll be the badass single old lady with two pit bulls and a '68 Charger in the driveway. :)
i hope you find someone fab soon!
ReplyDeletei was single and lonely for two years. many days it was difficult. i spent a lot of time crying. a LOT of time crying after that last break up.
now i am in a relationship, and sometimes i miss my free time. sometimes i roll my eyes at the cheesy romantic things this man says and the 19 million texts he sends me every day and the little tiffs we have had lately. UGH! i need to remember that some of this stuff is total overkill, but my ex-boyfriend was nearly UNCOMMUNICATIVE, so i think this is better. i think? but still! lol. the human condition! it seems like many times we miss what we don't have. it is difficult!
Great comment droll. And I totally get that when we're in a relationship we bitch about that stuff, and when we're single we bitch about other stuff. My best friend and I were laughing about that the other day.
ReplyDeleteI was single about 5 years before Rich. Before that I jumped from man to man to man. I made myself take a year to myself to be single, and not dependent on another human being. I got so comfortable that that lasted far longer than the year.
I guess my little six month taste of hand holding, sex, and cutesy emails just made me realize how much I truly miss that stuff, and I feel more whole, as a couple. I'm totally not ashamed to admit that. I feel more "real" when I am in a relationship. It's hard to explain and not sound codependent or weak.
I do really well on my own. I'll adjust. I just honestly do very few things where meeting men is an option. The few I do, I always get told that I'm intimidating, or I get the, "I had such a crush on you a year ago." Umm, tell me when you have the crush guys. For seriously. Haha.
Aww, girl!! I know how you feel. Sometimes it's real rough being single, but sometimes it's great!! You know my e-mail if you ever want to talk. If not, I suggest you take yourself on a date. That always helps :)
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteI'm going on a faux date next Friday with my friend Bradley. He's as sweet as can be and we're going to a lovely restaurant in San Francisco.
ReplyDeleteAnd thanks about the emails. I love that I can write to your or Abby and always get a quick reply. That is a nice feeling. You are a great gal Jax. I totally appreciate you.
I'm just not adjusting back to singledom as well as I thought I would. This too shall pass.
Hey Melanie,
ReplyDeleteI know I haven't been around much and a lot of that has to do with the fact that retreating seems to be easier for me lately than constantly reaching out and getting my hand bitten off. I'm referring to dating, of course, and it's made me somewhat misanthropic (more than usual).
Perhaps the best thing to do is detach and truly not care? I don't know. I'm trying to enjoy time by myself, been doing a lot of art projects. That feels nice.
I'm here, though, if you ever feel lonely. Don't forget.
xo
L
I refuse to detach or become jaded.
ReplyDeleteI would've called if I needed to. I honestly didn't want anything to do with anyone for a while.
But I have a fresh new batch of mussels when you want to come eat. I also have muscles. So that makes it extra special awesome.
By "detaching" I didn't mean "becoming jaded." I just meant not investing so much emotional turmoil in something I can't necessarily do anything about.
ReplyDeleteCheers to you having mussels...and muscles :)
Oh yeah. You know me, I don't do that. I actually recently told Rich we couldn't be friends anymore 'cause I was tired of the flakiness and him not communicating like an adult. I have no problem detaching when people are unhealthy for me. Or when situations are.
ReplyDeleteIt's when my crazy brain makes me sad and there's no explanation, that I have the biggest problem, 'cause I can't "logic" it away. Boo!
Ah yes, the old logic v. emotion suit. I am well familiar with that one.
ReplyDeleteI sometimes wonder and feel the same things myself. Then I start drawing cartoons/dancing like a loon to my favorite songs.
ReplyDeleteNo matter what happens, never EVER settle for something or someone you know doesn't merit you. I know that is becomes difficult when strong sentiments are involved, but that is what makes us human. I wish I could give you a big hug across the internet. *hugs*
In the meantime, keep rocking your awesome dresses with pink tights. (I also recommend black ones!)
-Barb the French Bean
I agree with everything you've said. I won't settle.
ReplyDeleteI don't think I even own black tights. I need a pair!