You Got Your Snark In My Logic...

You got your logic in my snark! I was being a smartass to one of my co-workers earlier and that Reese's Peanut Butter Cup commercial totally got stuck in my head. Half of the time when I'm a smartass people don't have a comeback because it's so drenched in truth there's really nothing they can say. The other times what I say is so nonsensical that it puts people in a stupor, unable to comprehend why I just said what I did. Either one creates silence, and that's generally the goal.

Keep in mind I am only a smartass with the people that know me, and know that I am totally joking. I would never do it to someone whom I knew was bothered by it, or if there was a chance I might cause real offense.

When it's not full of truth, I say random off the wall shit which also succeeds in people being really quiet and uncomfortable. And then in that uncomfortable silence I erupt in to hearty laughter, which scares them even more.

I'm a problem solver so if someone is doing stuff that doesn't make sense, I will just bring it to their attention, in a smartass way. When people bitch about their friend and say something like, "I don't understand why _____ is always such an asshole." I respond with, "I don't understand why you are friends with assholes."

This morning a huge construction worker fella in a truck yelled out, "Motorhead bag? I think I love you!" and I yelled back, "I have a penis!" I have no idea why. It's just what came out, and I laughed hysterically for a half block.

I'm pretty sure all of this stuff started in elementary school when I'd make up nonsense stories to pass the time. It carried on to high school, and then adult life.

When I was in high school we would do stuff like pull up to cars and motion for them to roll down the window. We would then say, "Ask me if I'm a rutabaga." Sometimes we had to say it twice 'cause they looked at us like, "Excuse me?" So we would simply repeat, "Ask me if I'm a rutabaga." If they were a champ and played along and asked, "Are you a rutabaga?" We'd simply reply, "No!" and then roll our window back up and carry on as if nothing had happened. This got started 'cause I kept bringing up words I liked to say just because, like: rutabaga, sasquatch, parallelogram, and the like. We then would find ways to bring those words in to conversation or jokes, especially when it made absolutely NO sense. I also have long loved to mix phrases like saying, "You are the dumbest person on the face of the world!" I have no idea why. I just do it without even thinking.

My snark and smartass used to be mean-spirited and somewhat ugly. But I've found that I can still retain my natural ability to come up with really witty retorts (or more often nonsensical gibberish that cracks me up), without being rude in the process. Okay, being only semi-rude in the process. I can usually crack a smile or charm people in to not thinking I'm a total asshole. Like when I talked to my boss this morning and she said, "Oh crap, I left my phone in my car" and I said, "Give me the keys, and after a 15 minute joy ride I will bring you your phone." She threw me the keys and I yelled, "Anyone want a donut, or an escort from West Sac? I'm on it!" She just says stuff like, "Not so loud!"

I really hope that I will always retain my weird sense of humor, and ability to make people laugh. Okay, my ability to make people slightly uncomfortable brings me joy as well. I am 37, and haven't grown out of it yet. I sometimes picture a 75 year old me, with magnificent flowing gray locks, saying things like, "You pooped in a bowl? That's nothing like the time my friend pooped and the toilet wouldn't flush at a party, so she fished the poop out with a paper towel, and threw it in the trash!" and cackle while people are incredibly disturbed. I take much solace in knowing that at least then people will just think I'm a crazy old lady. You can get away with far more crazy when you're old. I may even consider knee high rolled down pantyhose with sneakers that have velcro on them. Who knows?

Happy picture of the day: sometimes I wonder if some of these things on Passive Aggressive Notes are fake.

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