Today I don't like my life. I feel so very alone and pathetic. I hear about other women's dating stories and it almost makes me physically nauseous, the lengths to which some people are willing to go to be coupled. I need to get back to that point where being alone is okay. I know that point exists because I've been there before. I am just not there right this moment.
What's weird is that today after I did my hair I looked in the mirror and saw a pretty girl. A pretty girl with the most fabulous eyebrows on earth. Okay, next to Divine. Say what you want, but that lady shaved her head so she could fit bigger eyebrows on, and I will always love her for it. And I will always call her a lady. A dogshit eating, fabulous fat lady who died too soon.
Dating never fails to make me feel like there are so few good people in the world. I can go at it gung ho for about three months usually before I need a break so I don't start hating people. I don't want to be one of those people that hates everyone, but I see myself getting there. I see myself unable to have compassion for those who can't just be themselves, be nice, and treat other people right. So much living in fear and acting out of stupidity. It makes me want to pack a bag and leave everything and head for the woods.
So that's where I'm at right now. I am going to just trudge through these days and come out the other side with hope and a smile, like I always do. Right now I can't even think of smiling. I was supposed to go hang out with some friends last night, but Joe was going to be there, and I honestly don't even want to give him a glimpse of hope that something might happen. Also, I couldn't fake the happy. So I stayed home and watched movies. I went to Corti Brothers to buy some ground beef and fixings to make burgers for my friend Jen and her family Thursday. I ate a leftover half burger I had from lunch and topped it off with some coconut gelato. I read a little, and put on some music by The Cure and thought about happy times.
More important than anything else, I'm not going to feel defeated any longer than is necessary. Right now I kind of liken my self to a deflated balloon. I'm going to go buy some helium and fly away like in the movie Up. Okay, I'm not going to do that, but I am going to come out of this all the stronger and be a better person for it. I know I am. I'm going to go to a meeting Sunday so I can listen to alcoholics talk about being alcoholics. I kind of need that right now. I need to not feel so alone. Even though I'm surrounded by so many good people, I just feel like isolating, and I know that's not a good place to be. So I'm going to do what I need to do, and power through. Being weak really isn't my style.
Happy picture of the day: that's an awesome eyebrow. Don't even try and say it isn't. :)
Do you know there are more single people now then ever before? Don't settle for anything less. You are a beautiful, funny woman.
ReplyDeleteWhy thank you very much! I spent 7 years being happily single. I just need to remember how to do that.
ReplyDeleteAh crap.
ReplyDeleteYour fourth paragraph... Replace 'Dating' with 'Interacting with people' and 'three months' with 'a few days at a time', and you describe me.
I have no advice. How could I? But your eyebrows are pretty fucking cool, like the rest of you.
I used to be that way. I found my core group of folks and pretty much everyone else gets on my nerves. I wish they didn't, but I have very little patience for dumb.
ReplyDeleteThanks man. I really appreciate your nice comments. They mean a lot.
Sweet dear, you are NOT alone. I feel sad and lonely all the time, and I have a BOATLOAD of friends. Just comes with the territory of being human. Even when you are married and in a good relationship, you can't be guaranteed to feel good all the time.
ReplyDeleteHormones are hell. They play havoc with our reality. They tell us absurd things, like: We aren't good enough, we will never find anyone, all men suck. Those are false truths appearing real...(basically FEAR)
I am a strong, independent woman, who last night didn't see the purpose in living. Yes, that thought crossed my brilliant, yet fucked-up mind.
You will be okay sweety! Just keep blogging and telling the truth.
Then pray.
Then turn it over....
Then help someone else.
I know, I am a pain in the ass but I am telling you the truth....
xoxo
Big Hugs to you my sweet friend. Everything will be okay!
Damn. That's rough. You're not alone, though. These feelings are temporary. You already see the good stuff, like perfect eyebrows. (If it meant that by murdering someone you gained their eyebrows and not the power of their soul, I'd totally murder for some sweet eyebrows. But my encounter with Andy Rooney didn't pan out so well, hence, I won't be doing that again...Sorry, just a little gallows humor in the hopes it might cheer you up.)
ReplyDeleteNot every date will be terrible, and those that are, you are cool and smart enough to be able to look back on and laugh. Besides, bad things are blog fodder. That's how I look at uncomfortable and horrifying situations.
Much love and positive thoughts for you.
You really are a pretty lady with great eyebrows!!! If you ever feel alone or sad and want to talk, you know my e-mail :) We can yap away!!! You'll get back to the point where you were, it just needs to take time! Sending good vibes. xo
ReplyDeleteDating - gawd! I can't even imagine going down that road again... and I was a rampant dater at one point. That led me to the husband and the bruises.
ReplyDeleteI've now been single longer than I've ever been since I was 12, and I freaking love it. But I was a disaster for a good long time before I realized how amazing my life is without a man in it.
I'm confident that you're going to find peace and happiness. It exists... I found mine with a lot of Angry Birds and making up nicknames for every guy I ever went out with.
@Pickleope,
ReplyDeleteThanks lady. And thank goodness for gallows humor. I have so many bad date jokes it's unreal. I'm gonna take a couple months off and regroup. Then I'll be ready to laugh at men's expense again. :)
Thanks Jax. I know I will. This may be more of my bipolar crazy and less actually feeling alone. God damned triggers!
@Reanna,
I was single about 7 years before Rich, and I was fine with it. I am just in a mood. Ick about your ex husband. I had a guy hit me once. I went back and beat him unconscious with a sawed off bat. Men should not hit women. Dude, I had to quit Angry Birds 'cause I got way too addicted. haha.
As for the not feeling alone: I just sent my friend Rachel and her family home. I got to play with her 6 year old Ava, and her twins Dahlia and Phoenix, who are both one. It totally rebooted me. I got to throw Phoenix in the air and catch him. It was awesome.
Yes, I read that you were happily single before, but you seem to be less happy this time around. You know you can get there, at least, even if today isn't the day.
ReplyDeleteSawed off bat... nice work!! I got mine for $30K of evaded taxes that he's being forced to pay now.
Awesome that you had a rejuvenating evening with friends and kids. That kind of reboot can be so helpful.
Things will get better, you always have eyebrows, right? - thanks for the post
ReplyDeleteTake a stop by my blog and check it out if you get a chance.
-Sg7
http://stuffguy7.blogspot.com
@Reanna,
ReplyDeleteGood work you. And thanks. The night with friends totally helped.
@StuffGuy7,
I usually go check out the blog of new commenters. But not when they leave comments just to get people to their blog.
I wish I had some advice, but to be honest, I have zero interest in dating and haven't for years. People think this makes me weird, which it might, but I just prefer my time to be mine. I've had bad experiences and haven't closed up my heart or my mind. I prefer friends and freedom. But I know you're not that way, so hang in there.
ReplyDeleteTrying to hard to make something happen never works. If it's something you want, send out some vibes to the universe and hope for the best. You can't predict the future ;)
I spent quite a while preferring the single life. It was nice to meet Rich while volunteering and getting to spend our brief time together. I only gave Joe a chance because it seemed we had a bit in common. But we didn't have the important things in common. I much prefer to have a significant other, but I'm also good without one. It'll happen if and when it's supposed to. I've just been blue and thinking about it a bit irrationally lately. That'll pass, and I'll be back to perky, content single gal soon. :)
ReplyDeleteYou do have AMAZING eyebrows lady...all of us are quite jealous! ;)
ReplyDeleteHope you have a better week this week.
Thanks hon. I had a pretty good weekend and it made me realize how much the people in my life really save me most of the time. I am so blessed.
ReplyDeleteJosh and his wife are coming Monday night to dinner so that'll be a hoot. You are welcome to join if you're free.
You know I think I might! I have treatment starting Wednesday and I would love to see you before all that hoopla starts. :)
ReplyDeleteAwesome. Between 6:30 and 7. I'm doing a wheat spaghetti with shrimp and chorizo, and a mixed green salad with craisins, slivered almonds, and a simple vinaigrette. I'm gonna ask Josh to bring garlic bread so we have everything covered. Unless you want to bring drinks or dessert. I only have grapefruit Jarritos or almond milk.
DeleteGot out of a relationship myself and I'm finding it severly hard to move on. Even though I broke up with him for reasons that have not changed I still miss him after so long. We are not talking now and in some ways that is better. The only thing I've come up with is for a time I was afraid to move forward, in fear I would leave the window of opportunity of us ever getting back together.
ReplyDeleteI realized for me, staying still was hurting more than anything so I've decided to move forward with the faith that whoever I'll end up with is the best person for me. In the mean time I'm concentrating on myself and made a bucket list of things I want to do this year that I think will bring me joy. This year is going to be a selfish one where I try to make myself happy more than I try to make others happy. Sometimes it's necessary to show yourself you're worth it.
@MR,
ReplyDeleteI think that's a really good idea. I wish you well.
that is a totally, freaking awesome eyebrow...as for dating, i'd rather hang out with friends than be on a bad date...i've never understood women who HAVE to date in order to feel...what??? if someone really interests you, date...otherwise, eat half a burger with coconut (now i have to try that, because it's so weird)and watch Footloose or something :)
ReplyDeleteOh, it was half a burger THEN coconut gelato. haha.
ReplyDeleteI agree. Sometimes I'm proactive and on dating sites trying to interact with fellas, but most of the time I'm just enjoying life with friends.
Luckily, the times I feel like I did in this post are few and far between, and they're generally when I'm dating. That should tell me something. :)
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