For the past two weeks there has only been one night where I've slept longer than four hours in a stretch. I have this thing I do a lot of times where I sleep in shifts. I'll sleep from 9-1, then I'm up 'til 5, then back asleep 'til I have to get up for work. As any of you who sleep like this can attest to, this just makes it feel like you only got as much sleep as you did on that last shift. It is exhausting. And unlike in my 20s, my body does not bounce back the way it used to.
Last Saturday night I slept from midnight 'til 8 in the morning. I was so excited about this that I got up and went for a run, then headed to the farmer's market all full of energy. If I sleep more than 6 hours it's a god damned miracle. I am now to the point where I am totally ready to go on some sort of low dose sedative like Klonipin. I researched and it's far less habit forming than the other anti-anxietals like Xanax and Ativan. So I'm calling my doctor today.
I have marijuana at home. I have used it a few times, but because of my addictive past I don't want it to be a daily use thing. So in the past few weeks I have smoked once. I don't know why I view it as more of a drug than the pain pills I have to take for my back occasionally, or an anti-anxietal, but I do. I think because I know so many people that claim to use it for medicinal purposes, that are just lying potheads who use it to numb their lives. I don't ever want to become that. So I am extra paranoid about smoking. I know it makes no sense. Welcome to my OCD head.
I am now to the point where I have very little patience for other human beings. You need sleep for a reason. I don't find myself acting on how on edge I feel, but I find myself THINKING far more mean and horrible things when I have gone this long on an insomnia kick. I like sleep. And all of you out there who fall asleep quickly, and sleep through the night, need to count your blessings.
I just had one of my dates cancel for tonight. Usually that would annoy me. But I'm so damn tired that I'm actually happy to get to go home, roast some brussel sprouts and cook up some swiss chard, and munch on food in my jammies and just veg out. The thought of having to entertain anyone tonight is about the furthest thing from fun I can think of.
I have a coffee date tomorrow morning which will be perfect, 'cause it'll give me an excuse to have a second cup of caffeine in the day, which I usually do not allow myself to do. Saturday evening I have a date with Trouble. Then Sunday I have a brunch date with a chubby fella who is so damn sweet. I am looking forward to all of the dates, mostly because none of them go in to the late night. I need my late nights to drift off in to slumber.
When I first got sober I had this problem bad. I had been using alcohol to help me sleep for so long (or more accurately pass the fuck out) that I had forgotten how bad my insomnia really was. It goes in waves. I will be really happy when this wave is over.
Happy picture of the day: I love these fake motivational posters, and this one is fitting today.
When I have trouble sleeping, it's because I'm thinking about too many stupid things, so to alleviate that, I imagine having the powers of Spiderman. What can I say, indulging in my childhood fantasies helps me. That or sex.
ReplyDeleteI am hoping to have relief of the sex sort very soon. That is literally the only thing that helps me sleep. If one of these men could step up to the plate. And I'm pretty sure I already know which one that will be. Haha.
ReplyDeleteI totally need my sleep.
ReplyDeleteSince I have been perimenopausal and also now menopausal, my sleeping has been disturbed.
Now I put my cats in their own room, take a melatonin and sleep with a fan on me. Seems to help. Plus I don't snack at night, which makes the body not rest properly.
Good luck with your dates. Remember we just have to have FUN and not take life so seriously. (especially us addictive girls!)
love and big kisses!
xoxo
My kitties will be gone at the end of the month and I'm betting that'll help some. I never eat past 7. Melatonin quit working for me after taking it a month or so.
ReplyDeleteI am having fun. It's been a totally different ballgame this time around.
I hear you on the sleep issues.
ReplyDeleteI can understand your reasoning on the marijuana. I've personally found it helpful with some of my sleep issues and use it on the regular, but with all the legal and political issues surrounding it, it's got a lot of stigma and that to me is the part that's hard to live with.
I could care less about the stigma or political issues surrounding it. People can fuck off. I just have to be careful because I have an extremely addictive personality.
ReplyDeleteGirl, I can't even pretend to know how you feel. That must be awful not being able to sleep. I hope you feel better soon!!!
ReplyDeleteI'm dying to hear how your date with Trouble and Guitarist went!!! Hopefully it was as good as that second cup of coffee will be ;) lol
I tried to comment on this post the last two days but couldn't for some reason, so I hope this goes through. This will also be shorter, as I've typed it 30 times.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I feel you. I've been there and am there again myself. I go through phases where I sleep like a log and then can't sleep at all. Valerian jacks me up instead of helps, Melatonin is ineffective and I don't use OTC aids because of my addictive personality and the fact that I had to wean myself off them a couple of years ago.
I did have Klonopin when I was in the hospital 8 years ago and holy shit, that knocks you out. I would never resort to that again for all the reasons above. As for pot, if it were easier to get, it would be my go-to (and legal and less expensive of course.) Since it's not, I just hope that my body can regulate itself and get back on track.
Good luck!
I get the pot for free. I smoked last night and slept 6 hours. I woke up once but was back to sleep within a half hour. It seems to work for me. I just don't want to make it a daily thing 'cause I'm not comfortable smoking every day.
ReplyDeleteI am so with you on this, Melanie. And I sleep like you do too, in little chunks that just don't seem to do anything for me.
ReplyDeleteI take Valerian and/or over the counter sleep stuff some nights, but it's a crap shoot whether they'll help. I also take pain meds for my neck some nights - they knock me out, but I don't stay asleep.
Black-out curtains and earplugs have helped a bit.
I'm hopeful my new $150 pillow is going to help.
I actually do better with background noises. The blackout curtains I can't do 'cause I would killyaelf walking in the middle of the night.
ReplyDelete*myself*
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