Fluidity

I often ponder the people who are set in their ways. The people for whom the sentence, "That's just the way I am, and it's the way I'll always be" rolls off their lips as if that is a perfectly acceptable way to go through life. Maybe it is for them. But for me, it is sad. For me, I need to know that one thing can spark my interest and reset my brain and something I thought I'd never do or say, is now a viable option in life.

The idea of a fluid life not filled with any, "But I'm supposed to be this way at this age" thoughts has always appealed to me. Perhaps especially because as I am quickly approaching 40, I do not in any way act the way that 19 year old me, assumed 37 year old me would. I am glad that in being true to myself and doing what pleases me, I have been able to do so happily. I have veered off the path many times, but I was able to swerve and get back to where I needed to be. I harmed myself and others in the process, but was able to heal and make amends where necessary.

What got me thinking about this was saying goodbye to Unicorn on Friday afternoon. We talked about how hard it was going to be to see each other, but how we'd figure something out. We left thinking we wouldn't see each other again until the 30th. Then he said, "Maybe you could come down on a weeknight or something." I quickly replied, "No. There is no way I could do that." One last kiss and him closing my gate for me as I was on my way to do something, then my head started going. I realized that if you are going to date someone who lives an hour and a half away, sometimes you are going to have to do things that cause you grief just thinking about them.

You see, when I was 19, I was in a REALLY bad car wreck. One that made my car look more like an accordion than something that would actually get you from point A to point B. A guy in a flatbed truck had hit me. I had barely stopped without hitting the car in front of me when traffic came to a screeching halt. I sighed with relief. I then looked in to my rearview to see a truck barreling down on me, that I knew was not going to stop. I took my foot off the brake and waited for impact. All I remember is the rear window shattering and safety glass pelting me, my right leg flying up and hitting the steering wheel so hard I thought for sure I'd broken my shin, and trying to get the car to the side of the road. I couldn't. The car was toast. So I shimmied out and walked to the side of the freeway. Crying. Crying not so much because I was in pain but crying because the whole situation was so damn scary. When the man who'd hit me tried to approach me to apologize I looked up and quietly said with what I'm sure was hatred in my voice, "Walk away from me or I'm going to hurt you worse than you've ever been hurt before." He listened, thankfully. I know for a fact that 19 year old me might have killed that man.

Fast forward to me having severe panic in any sort of slowed traffic. For years I avoided traffic time at all costs, or took surface streets. Then slowly but surely I began to get back on the freeway and force myself to deal with it. Now, when traffic is stop and go I get a little uneasy, but nothing like I used to. So the thought of me driving to the bay Thursday evening, and coming back to work by 8 Friday morning, was not one I pondered with glee.

Tonight I'm going to Oakland straight from work. I'm going to shower, have dinner with Unicorn, and stay the night. Then I'm going to leave Oakland to come back to work at 5:30 in the morning. I'm going to do this because he starts work at 7, and traffic from here to there is FAR worse than from there to here. So I'm going to do a trial run. Then more than likely I'll be doing it every other Thursday so I can see him more than every other weekend. I feel about him the way I haven't felt about anyone in about 15 years, which may sound sudden and strange, and truthfully I don't give a shit how it sounds. I just know how I feel. And I know I will do whatever it takes to make this work, until it isn't working anymore.

I am glad that even though I can say an emphatic, "No!" to something, that I can take a step back and really think things over to see what I can accomplish. I am finding that even with all of my crazy brain stuff, if I really focus and put my mind to things, there is absolutely nothing I can't do. Okay, nothing except go to sleep with dishes in the sink or go a week without cleaning my house. But hey, progress not perfection right?

Happy picture of the day: this is a sign Unicorn and I saw on our first date. We both laughed so hard as we looked to our right and saw a sign that said, "Sexy Sexy's Salon." Not just one, but two Sexy's. I said to Unicorn, "Holy shit! I need to get my hair done there. I bet I'd come out looking like the female mentioned in a Prince song!" He said, "You should go get in the picture so the arrow is pointing at your ass." I didn't, but I laughed that he wanted me to. That might be the exact moment when I decided I would probably want to keep this one. (The fact that Sexy Sexy's Salon is around the back, was not lost on us).