Dear Sleep,

I love you, and I don't understand why you won't call me back. I realize that stalking you from underneath the sheets at night is a little creepy, but I just don't know what else I can do. I love you and I need you so badly.

I have no imagination right now so that is my current letter to sleep. I'm going through some really hard stuff that I don't want to get in to, and it's made it so that I haven't got a decent night of sleep since Saturday. It is hard enough to shut my brain down when life is peachy, but when there are important decisions and life choices to make, you can place a bet that sleep is nowhere in sight for me.

Last night I did the shift thing. I was so tired I fell asleep at 7:30, then at 9:30 I was wide awake. Fell back asleep at 2:30 and when my alarm went off I've never wanted to break my phone so badly in my life. This situation I'm in makes me feel naive, and that perhaps I am too quick to trust some people. You live and learn, and this has most definitely been a learning experience. People got hurt because of something I didn't check in about, and I feel really bad.

I am not going to beat myself up about it anymore than I already have. I'm going to hash it out and come to whatever solution I need to to bring my life back to a peaceful and happy place. I can't afford to care if others that my decision effects, think I'm being rash or unfair. I have to put me first. That's exactly what I intend to do.

I hope all of you who sleep regularly appreciate it, because those of us who don't know how important sleep is. And as Reanna has said before, the best curse you can wish on someone, is to pray they get insomnia.

Happy picture of the day: good lord I love Bruce Campbell. And this made me laugh.

Source

Fatigue

It officially happened. I have run myself in to the ground. I have been sick lately more than I have been healthy, and have missed three days of work in the last two weeks. So yesterday I did what I should've done a long time ago. I cancelled all of my volunteer obligations except for the tv station I volunteer for. I cut way back on my social engagements. I procured some much needed Xanax. I took half of one last night and slept like a baby for the first time in as long as I can remember. I went out to dinner last night with friends, then to a bar. I drank 7-Up and was home by 9. It took far too long, but I'm going to start taking better care of myself.

My doctor says I have some sort of fatigue syndrome going on. I laughed at her because there are people who work three jobs and have families. Certainly my measly 40 hour work week which is the exact opposite of strenuous, is not going to tire someone out. But as I was running through my schedule with her I realized that I do spread myself far too thin. So that is going to stop. I have tonight to myself, and a date with Matt tomorrow. Friday evening I'm going to wipe down my outside furniture for a bbq on Saturday. Since I'm leaving the 11th, I'm celebrating my birthday with friends on the 6th. My actual birthday is the 10th.

I am going to do nothing that keeps me out later than 9 o'clock on weeknights from now on. Period. I am going to be in my pajamas, on the couch, watching bad tv or reading every evening. That will also help with the money situation. I've been spending far too much running around and that is adding to my stress. I have been breaking my schedules and not sticking to my routines, and it has sent me in to a tailspin that finally ended in me getting physically ill and throwing up for days on end. I am through with this.

I have no one to blame in this but myself. Especially when I am manic, I want to do everything with everyone. Whenever someone calls and says, “I need a girl night” I am always with the “yes.” I am slowly but surely getting back to learning to put my own needs first sometimes. I can say no when I need to. It’s something I’ve always struggled with and now that it is affecting my health, it is at the forefront of my mind.

So today it starts. Healthy Melanie will be back soon. Sickly Melanie is tired, and grumpy, and worn out, and just not someone I want to have to deal with. So I’m going to heal her and get back to my old self. I need to. I had a movie post for September movies, but when I went to post it the whole thing got lost and I honestly don't have the energy to redo it. I'm that tired right now.

Happy picture of the day: here is a picture of me all gussied up with my hair done in pin curls. I rarely ever wear dresses but when I do I always have fun getting a girlified.

Feeling Obligated

I have been working really hard on this one lately. I have been having a difficult time balancing all that I feel that I need to do, and having time alone. I told myself I was going to slow down. So Sunday I did exactly one load of laundry and just laid around. I drifted in and out of sleep. My body obviously needed the down time and rest. It was nice. But guess what I also did Sunday? I made plans. I made plans so that now the only night I have free this week is tonight. I did it again. I need to stop it. It's no one's fault but my own. I know it is going to be an awesome week of visiting and hanging out, and it will all be at my house so no money is spent. So at least that's a little better than running around.

I also have this sick thing in my head where I feel like I have to post here every day, so I'm going to work on that. I'm only going to write when I need to get something out or really feel like I have something to say. I'm going to try not having a posting schedule at all. I realize this will hurt the blog and I'm okay with that. I just know if I say I'm taking a break, I start to feel guilty and I post the same day. And if I say I need to stick to a schedule, I start to resent that. So I'm just now going with sometimes I'll post every weekday. Sometimes I'll post once a week. I don't even know at this point. I just don't want this to feel like an obligation. It is something I have taken on as a tool to help. It doesn't need to have become the added stress that it has.

I know that I plan on spending at least one day a week with each of the boyfriends, and one or two days a week with friends. But I need to remember to have at least one weekend day to myself, and one work evening. So that's what I am working on. I am so good at giving advice to people on how to simplify and de-stress. I haven't been taking my own advice lately, and it's taking its toll. I had to stay home from work Friday because I was exhausted. That exhaustion turned in to me being physically ill and vomiting for about three hours. I can't let that happen anymore. I need to slow down.

I am applying to a new job today, and another one later this week. I have been doing so regularly so I can hopefully get in to a position where I feel more useful, and more of a fit. I know that going to a job I don't like every day is taking its toll on me. And I don't know how much longer I can do it. I give myself six more months of applying for promotion and if I don't get it, I'm going to start applying for just my same position, in other agencies and divisions. I know that my head space lately has been in a huge part due to not loving what I do. So I'm working on fixing that.

Sorry about the whiny post. I just don't feel well and it took everything I had today to get out of bed, even though I went to sleep before 9 last night. I hate feeling this way, but it's just where I am right now.

Happy picture of the day: I made really yummy cheeseburgers on Saturday for Matt and I. I think it may be the reason he told me that he loved me that night. Okay, maybe not, but they were damn good burgers.