Fatigue

It officially happened. I have run myself in to the ground. I have been sick lately more than I have been healthy, and have missed three days of work in the last two weeks. So yesterday I did what I should've done a long time ago. I cancelled all of my volunteer obligations except for the tv station I volunteer for. I cut way back on my social engagements. I procured some much needed Xanax. I took half of one last night and slept like a baby for the first time in as long as I can remember. I went out to dinner last night with friends, then to a bar. I drank 7-Up and was home by 9. It took far too long, but I'm going to start taking better care of myself.

My doctor says I have some sort of fatigue syndrome going on. I laughed at her because there are people who work three jobs and have families. Certainly my measly 40 hour work week which is the exact opposite of strenuous, is not going to tire someone out. But as I was running through my schedule with her I realized that I do spread myself far too thin. So that is going to stop. I have tonight to myself, and a date with Matt tomorrow. Friday evening I'm going to wipe down my outside furniture for a bbq on Saturday. Since I'm leaving the 11th, I'm celebrating my birthday with friends on the 6th. My actual birthday is the 10th.

I am going to do nothing that keeps me out later than 9 o'clock on weeknights from now on. Period. I am going to be in my pajamas, on the couch, watching bad tv or reading every evening. That will also help with the money situation. I've been spending far too much running around and that is adding to my stress. I have been breaking my schedules and not sticking to my routines, and it has sent me in to a tailspin that finally ended in me getting physically ill and throwing up for days on end. I am through with this.

I have no one to blame in this but myself. Especially when I am manic, I want to do everything with everyone. Whenever someone calls and says, “I need a girl night” I am always with the “yes.” I am slowly but surely getting back to learning to put my own needs first sometimes. I can say no when I need to. It’s something I’ve always struggled with and now that it is affecting my health, it is at the forefront of my mind.

So today it starts. Healthy Melanie will be back soon. Sickly Melanie is tired, and grumpy, and worn out, and just not someone I want to have to deal with. So I’m going to heal her and get back to my old self. I need to. I had a movie post for September movies, but when I went to post it the whole thing got lost and I honestly don't have the energy to redo it. I'm that tired right now.

Happy picture of the day: here is a picture of me all gussied up with my hair done in pin curls. I rarely ever wear dresses but when I do I always have fun getting a girlified.