Sexuality

It has come up in conversation a lot lately in my world. People asking questions about boundaries, rules, preferences and whatnot. It has made me delve in to my brain to verbalize things that you don't usually have to think or talk about in very much detail. You know you like men, or women, or both. You know the things you like when you are being intimate with someone and you talk about them as they come up. But in this new world they come up far more quickly and you really have to try and wonder why you have certain rules and boundaries, or why you identify one certain way.

Most if not all of my metamours (the wives/other girlfriends of the men I'm seeing) identify as bisexual while I do not. I have slept with women, but it has only been where there was a man involved. I do not see a woman and get all twitterpated the way I do when I am attracted to a man. I have never dated a woman. I've never been in love with one. And I've never been in bed with JUST a woman. Therefore I have considered the contact I've had in bed with women, to be more of a by-product. In fact, the reason I stopped having sex with multiple partners is I almost felt as if I was using women or doing them a disservice by sleeping with them to get to the better product in bed next to them. 'Cause that's how I see it. Oh, you're a woman, and you are there, and I'll make out with you, but only as the means to an end.

I believe that sexuality, along with most other things in your life, is a fluid spectrum. I don't think that anyone on the planet is 100% anything. I think everyone falls along a line from very hetero, to very gay, and it's not really so much a line as something that branches out in a ton of directions. No one is really at either end. Everyone is somewhere in the middle. I have always tried to be a person to realize that while I prefer certain things, I am not going to say never about anything. I believe you can't say you dislike something if you've never done it. You can ASSUME you wouldn't like it, but you can't truly know. There are things I know I do not enjoy where intimacy is involved. I rarely say, "No, I will never do that again." Sometimes I do. But it's a rarity.

I know that in order to feel like I'm experiencing the most I can out of life, I am willing to do a lot of things that most people see as perverse. I am willing to say, "I have tried that before and didn't like it, but maybe with you it'll be different." I am okay with, "Nope, never even thought of that. Let's check it out." As with most other things in my life, I want my intimate encounters with people to make me happy and feel complete. I want to feel like I can look in the mirror and know I didn't miss out on something just because society says it's not normal. I have never been one to attach to the normal. But I also don't want to do things just because they are different. I want to say no to things that I know would make me feel uncomfortable. And I do. I have two things that will NEVER happen while I'm naked with someone. And I'm okay expressing those boundaries.

I think in our society we have SO MANY things that people think are wrong, just because they are not their preference. As I have stated in many of my blog posts before, the "my way is the only right way" mentality is really a stifling and ugly one. It's something I don't ever want to express or feel. I want to respect that my way is the right way for me, and someone else is free to be the exact opposite. If you're not hurting anyone, and everyone is being honest and positive, there is no such thing as gross or wrong. People should do what makes them happy. But more important than that, people should want other people to do whatever makes them happy.

Happy picture of the day: me and Suzie taking a super attractive picture on our girl date.

Girl Date, And Other Stuff

So I had such a great four day weekend. I got to go see friends in Oakland and have lunch on Monday, then head to SF to have the best girl date ever. We went to this amazing restaurant called Bouche, in San Francisco. We had a lovely meal and great wine, then headed to see one of my favorite bands at Slim's, the Hot Snakes. They even played some Drive Like Jehu songs which made me go nuts. I usually don't stand up front at shows anymore but I just had to. And I totally sang and rocked out. It was awesome. It was awesome until I woke up Tuesday morning with my back hurting like I had lifted a car off of a child.

So Tuesday I got to meet up with Matt in San Francisco for lunch which was nice. Met two of his co-workers who were sweet and funny guys. We ate burgers and talked about super inappropriate things. Then my back really started getting to me so I said my goodbyes and headed back home.

When I got home I texted Sean to see if I could get a massage. He's another guy I just recently started seeing. Super cute, very nice, and I'm really wondering why I hesitated so long with the poly thing. I am finding that these men are honest, up front, attentive, and just all around good people. They don't play coy, and after the first date they say things like, "I like you and would like to start seeing you." Thank you! That's how it should be dammit. None of this acting aloof and not having any clue what you want, bullshit.

My first poly meeting on Saturday was awesome. I met some great new folks. As a community I'm finding that these people mostly have above average intelligence, are pretty in tune with who they are as people, and are very fun to be around. I'm pretty sure I've found my home and this is where I'm staying. It just feels natural and right, and I'm EXTREMELY happy. There were a few people who it was obvious were just there to hit on people, but I am guessing they won't be around long. It's to be expected that some people would get the idea and think we're swingers.

I am keeping this short and sweet. I had a great time but I'm in a lot of pain and have some work to catch up on. I will probably not blog again until next week some time. I just really don't have much to say and I'm pooped!

Happy picture of the day: Suzie, my girl date for dinner and a show Monday night. She is as nice as she is beautiful, and I can't think of anyone else I would have rather seen the band with. I love you Suzie pants!

Exploration

There is something going on with my computer at both home and work where I can not comment on your blogs. Know that if you are on my list I am reading every day, I just haven't been able to comment. Something going on with Blogger and my computers. It is bugging me to no end.

I am going to say to you some words that I never thought I'd get to say, or type, in my whole life. I am seeing a married man. I am seeing a married man whose wife I met on Sunday. A wife who is seeing two other people besides her husband. My whole life I thought I was built for monogamy. I'm learning that this may not be the case.

I have always been very open minded and had the philosophy that you can't say you don't like something unless you've tried it. I thought for sure I couldn't delve in to this world of polyamory. But after talking to several men on the dating website I started getting curious. I wanted to learn as much about it as possible. How do people make it work? How do you happily and healthily have a relationship with more than one person? I am really excited about the whole thing to be honest.

So when I made the decision to go out with this man, the first thing I said was, "It is really important to me that I meet your wife. I want you two to come over." I wasn't sure if this was appropriate. I found out that it is. They are all about being completely open and honest. And it was important to her that she like the other people that he dates. And when it comes down to it, she has veto power. If he likes someone and she doesn't, she can tell him she doesn't want him to see her. She said there has never really been an instance where that happened, as he generally picks pretty decent ladies.

Within a half hour of hanging out with her and talking to her, I had totally fallen in love with her. This is a woman that I want as a friend. They brought over their baby boy and their interactions with him were the way that I think parenting should be. I fell in love with the baby too. But that's not hard to do with a super cute one year old who is exploring, and learning, and using one of my plastic orange sporks to try and eat a fried green tomato.

I have never had jealousy issues. To me, jealousy is worrying about something before it happens. You should worry about and deal with things as they actually happen. That's one of the things I didn't get about Dave. Why end a relationship now, over bad things that MIGHT happen in the future? There are no guarantees in life. So have fun now and worry about the stress, when and if it actually happens.

I still have so many questions, and I will learn as I go. I'm not uncomfortable. It didn't feel at all weird when in the middle of making out with this man, he got a text from his wife saying it was late and was everything okay. He answered yes. I told him to get home and tell her I was sorry I kept him so long. There is a part of me that is still freaked out by how not freaked out I am about the whole thing, and how natural it feels. I gave him a kiss goodbye on Sunday, in front of his wife. That will take a while to get used to.

For now, I'm going to go with it. I probably won't get to see him that much, and I'm totally fine with that. We have fun together. We have a ton to talk about. We laugh and have a good time. Our first kiss felt right, and not awkward. I look forward to learning more about this lifestyle, and getting to know some more of the folks in this community. I can't say for sure this isn't all about childlike wonder and inquisitiveness. Maybe a few months from now I'll realize I can't do it. But for now, I can. And it feels pretty amazing.

 Happy picture of the day: Galaga. I love this game.

Source

Today, I Am Thinking Too Much

So I had a date yesterday with a sweet, kind, cute fellow. But he lives two hours away and has his daughters every weekend, so there's no way in hell it would work out. I guess I should start asking about people's custody arrangements before I agree to meet them. Because it just makes it really hard when you meet someone you like, and know that feasibly there's no way you can make anything of it. When he left I had dinner and was fine, then an hour later I was sitting and crying, wondering why I am doing this.

I am a lot more sensitive than I'd care to admit. I care deeply and empathetically. I get hurt and I don't bounce back as quickly as I'd like to. I am still stinging from the break up with Dave. I am still a little destroyed that I finally got to spend time with someone I truly liked, only to have it ripped away so briskly. It's like someone dangled a carrot, or something far more tasty, then ripped it away laughing like, "Nope, Melanie. You can't be happy. This just isn't for you." And it hurts. It hurts so fucking bad that I just want it to go away. Right now, right this moment, I'm more than a touch devastated.

I know that Dave is not right for me and it's not even that I want him back or wish it would've worked out. And it's not that I don't cherish when I'm single. I'm good single. But once, just once, I wish I could meet someone and it just WORKS OUT RIGHT. Why does everything in my life have to be so damned complicated? I simplify, and downsize, and meditate, and life just stays so very complicated and confusing.

So just for this moment, I crave something to just fall in to place. I know that my fortitude and strength were forged from struggle. I know these ups and downs, and trials make me strong and make me who I am. But sometimes, just for once, I wish that something good would happen with little to no effort on my part. Like it seems to happen for so many other people. I often wonder why I was put on this earth just to go through pain and strife time and time again. But I'd honestly rather put myself out there and get hurt over and over and over, than put up walls or give up.

But today, just for this moment, I am surrendering. I have another date on Friday, then I'm going to step back and have some real time for me. I am going to remember what life was like when I didn't so desperately want to be in love. When being single was fun and carefree and I could just go out with my friends and the subject of men didn't even come up. I need to go back there for a while I think.

I am going to keep my profile up but I am not going to make any effort to contact new people. I will continue to talk with the people I am, and I will respond to new contacts, but that's all the energy I have in me right now. I am not defeated, but I am a little deflated. I need a me break. I need to concentrate on getting back to carefree and awesome Melanie. I'm not her right now. I need her back tremendously.

This post has been brought to you by the folks of the emo Melanie corporation. They will be going out of business quickly, we hope.

Happy picture of the day: My new hair. You can't see the woven purple in my bangs and sides, but I adore it. It is one hell of a sassy 'do.

We Have A Dark Horse In The Running

I know, I know, enough of the effing dating posts already Melanie. This will be the last one for a while, I promise. Unless I write another one, then all bets are off.

I went on a few dates with Ricky before he decided he just wasn't feeling it and we have been chatting as friends ever since. I didn't take it personally. To me, trying to pursue something with a fella who isn't in to you, is like chasing a gay man. Why would you do that? I know some women get all butt hurt about, "Why doesn't he like me????" and sometimes my mind goes there. But mostly I just realize that's what was supposed to happen and I move on.

I had a date Thursday evening with a really awesome guy. He was kind, smart, and funny. I could tell from the first few minutes there was no romantic connection for me. Sometimes it takes a few dates, but sometimes I can tell right off the bat I'm just not going to like this person as anything more than a friend. I try to let them know as soon as possible so that they don't put any effort in to trying to make more than a friendship connection with me. I believe in being up front.

Thursday morning I had started talking with a guy from the bay area who instantly made me all giddy like a school girl. I love that feeling. We texted all day, talked more than once on the phone, and it just felt right. Then my defense mechanisms kicked in and I started thinking the, "What if he's not really who he says he is? blah blah blah shut up brain blah blah." But I pushed that all aside. He's coming out Wednesday night to hang out. We'll call him the new redbeard. I am learning I really do have a thing for the ginger beard. But aside from the fact of all the physical stuff about him that I'm drawn to: he's 6' 4", he's got some weight to him, and he's cute as a button, I just immediately felt at ease with him and conversation flowed and didn't seem forced or awkward ever. That's huge for me.

I had a coffee date Friday morning. This is with the local musician guy. He is totally amazing. Kind, smart, funny, been sober a while. But in all honestly my mind right now is totally with my big bearded bear. I can't get him off of my mind. I can't push him aside to give anyone else a chance until we hang out and I see if what I think is there, really is. It may be weird. It may be unhealthy. I may break the basket with all of the eggs I'm putting in to it, but it just feels right to me to do that. Sometimes, you have to put your logic aside and just go with what your gut tells you, so that's what I'm going to do.

I cancelled both dates I had scheduled for the weekend with Trouble and the other nice guy, because I honestly didn't have the energy or the want to try and squeeze any more me and a new man time in to my life. I am physically and mentally exhausted right now. So I made the decision to put those dates off, maybe indefinitely. Then Trouble got in touch with me Saturday afternoon and asked if he could come over that evening and I said what the heck. He came over at around 9 pm and we just chatted and visited. He's not trouble at all. He's smart, and nice, and I must say he may actually have a shot if the feeling is mutual. I am really proud of myself in that I'm keeping a positive attitude about it this go 'round. I have the tendency to throw in the towel and put up barriers to protect myself. I'd honestly rather have my heart broken a thousand times, then not give that next love a chance. It's out there somewhere. It may not be out there with anyone I'm currently talking to, but I know it's out there.

Hi, I have a red beard and I'm cute.

I'm No Damn Quitter

So literally two days after I himmed and hawed about online dating and how sucky it was, I decided to put a profile on a different site and just leave it up a month. I am not a quitter, but I tend to make rash decisions when things are getting me down. Within hours I was talking to three separate, seemingly interesting men. It was a totally different experience from the other site in that no one sent really ignorant, or overly sexual messages. Within two days I had been asked out on dates. One of them even texted me after we'd talked one night saying he was downtown, and did I need him to bring me coffee or something. This is just what I needed right now. I needed my faith in humanity restored.

I'm still talking to three of them, but I had a lunch date with one on Friday which happened impromptu. I sent him a picture of this beautiful blown glass pitcher I found at a yard sale on the way to work with the message, "There goes my lunch money." He responded with, "I guess I'll have to come take you out to lunch then." We had so much fun eating calamari and being totally ridiculous. He has no boundaries like me, is very tidy, and I laughed so hard that my cheeks hurt.

One of them is so good looking it's painful, but he's got pretty severe depression. He was supposed to come hang out but had to back out at the last minute. He's trouble with a capital T. But for just a split second, I thought maybe I just needed some pretty trouble in my life for a minute. I've rethought since then. But it was tempting. I would put his picture up to prove my point, but I don't want to ask his permission and I never post pics without letting people know first. Jax knows what he looks like. It's god damned dangerous.

Another one is really smart and knows quite a few of the same people I do. He's this amazing local guitar player and that is what makes me hesitant. I have dated a LOT of musicians in my time. I'm too old for catty women at gigs saying things in whispered voices like, "There's his girlfriend" and picking me apart. I am too old to be knocking people's teeth out. I haven't completely discounted him, but that one factor does make things a bit worrisome.

The leader of the pack is a fella named Ricky. He's 40, an electrical engineer with UC Davis, and dresses like he's from the 50s, right down to his greaser hair and the exact same glasses Malcolm X and JFK wore. Seriously, he researched and found the brand and got them. I like attention to detail like that. One night on the phone I was telling him how I have separate laundry hampers for lights and darks. He laughed and then the next minute he sent me a picture...of his two laundry hampers for lights and darks. I almost died.

When he came to pick me up for lunch Friday he was out of his truck (I love a guy with a big manly truck) to open the door for me. He let me pick the restaurant and was just altogether a gentleman. He is very handsome and although I don't want to jump the gun, I am hoping that he's around for a while. Even if it doesn't work out romantically, this is a person I want in my life from now on. I have pretty big trust issues so I can honestly say I don't have faith that anything will come of it. But if it doesn't, that is how it was meant to be and it's okay. After a date Saturday that ended in a hearty hug goodbye, I do not even have the energy to try and sort out, "Is that putting me in the friend zone, or is he just a gentleman?" so I'll figure that out in time I guess. Probably by making him really uncomfortable by asking point blank where his head is at.

As for the bearded guy from the other site, I haven't heard from him since Tuesday. I find aloof and inability to pull the trigger very unattractive, so I'm done with that one. All in all I'm glad I didn't throw in the towel and for this minute things are going well.

Happy picture of the day: that's Ricky. When he sent me this picture I seriously laughed because there is a picture of me in Amsterdam, next to a penis fountain, all smiley. We both have pictures of ourselves posing with penis sculptures. What are the odds?

 

He plays drums. I can't seem to get away from musicians. Also, he has a lip beard. I can't escape those either apparently.