Money Can't Buy Me Love

Instead of going with the flow and ranting on how money and material things can't bring you happiness, I'm going to do a photo blog post. This post is filled with pictures of material things that make me happy every single day of my life. Take that!

Bowling girl light switch cover, I heart you so.

Bright orange slick chair, that someone could do a running leap and slide right off you, you are pretty useless. If someone leans back on you, you almost turn over. I still think you're keen. You remind me of the portly housekeeper who never cleans shit. Rock on chair. Or actually, can you not rock on? Just kind of sit on.

Hiya antique china hutch I got screamin' cheap from a friend. You rule my dining room. Just don't tell table. That lady gets jealous.

Oh, Lux Starburst Sunburst clock: As soon as I get my tax money you're actually going to work. But for now, just continue to hang there and look pretty.

Hamburger phone who will never get used: you made the cable guy laugh when he had to hook you up, so that's really all that matters. I do wish you had a way to turn off the ringer though. But alas, you are still A-OK.

Hello Lord Hooterton Snuffings and Ducky McTeabags. I smile every time I look at you in the kitchen. Carry on.

I have known I wanted this table since I was five. My grandpa made it from material he "borrowed" while working for the Sutter Club. I love you table.

Hiya Soupy. You require no words friend.

You can say that material things don't bring you happiness all you want. But I would tend to disagree. While you can't buy your way in to a smile, you most certainly can wake up blue and see something that totally changes the tone of your day. These are a few of my tone changing things.

Tale of the Fluffy Blue Jacket

I know that the idea is in no way original. There was Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, and there are many bloggers who have done similar things. One that comes to mind is here: The Traveling Red Dress.

I got the idea from a lovely lady Kate, who writes a blog called Eat The Damn Cake. If you are not yet reading it, I suggest you put it in your favorites and do so right away. She is a fabulous writer, who tells lovely tales that every woman, and pretty much every human, can relate to. This post here started a conversation between she and I via email: http://www.eatthedamncake.com/2012/01/11/i-want-to-look-like-a-pirate-queen/.

She had said she never really wore bold items of clothing, and she wanted to start doing so. I told her of a really fun baby blue coat I have that always gets a visceral reaction from folks, whether that reaction be good or bad. I sent a picture of the coat, and she said she needed it. Lightbulb over the head later, and I decided this coat needed to start traveling. I told her I would dry clean and send her the coat. She can keep it as long as she needs, then she must pass it on to someone else. I am also including a journal to tell the story of the coat and what it has meant to me. The coat goes to Brooklyn tomorrow!

Many thanks to my lovely boyfriend Rich, for putting up with my insane behavior and making this little doozy of a picture for me.

Back story of the coat: A friend of mine was doing a W.E.A.V.E. clothing exchange at one of our local haunts. You brought 10 items of clothing, and 10 dollars, and you got 10 chips. Each chip entitled you to one clothing item on the racks or shoes and purses strewn about on tables. If you chose an item someone else also wanted, you had to do a runway like walk-off, and the crowd decided who got the item. Great idea because it was fun, W.E.A.V.E. got an item for every item someone chose, and they also made a bit of money. I immediately spotted this coat and walked up to it as another gal walked up to it as well. I looked at her and said, "You REALLY don't want to have to do a walk-off with me. I'm made of super sass." She said, "I do believe you are." And thus, the coat was mine.

Not only is the coat warm, but it always gets a reaction from people. From, "You killed Grover!" to "That is the greatest coat ever!" It has helped me get over some of my anxiety because random people will pet you in this coat. I HATE being touched by people I don't know. But with this coat it's pretty much impossible to get mad. If I saw someone in this coat, I would want to pet it too. I just wouldn't, 'cause I have this weird thing called manners. Haha.

I once had a hairdresser misunderstand what kind of cut I wanted, and I ended up with 1" of hair all around, with bangs, and long side pieces. Like an old skinhead fringe or a chelsea cut. I was so sad because it made me look even more butchy than I already do. Wearing this coat got me through that haircut. It was the only time I didn't feel manly sporting that hair.

So off the coat goes, and I wish it well. I don't care if I never see the coat again, but I do hope to see stories of it here and there along the internet, and I do hope no one keeps it. But hey, if someone needs to keep it, than they need to keep it. I know I have had it about eight years. It has served me well. Live on and prosper baby blue huggy bear pimp coat. I hope Kate has many an adventure with you.

Deep Thoughts

Okay, that title is a misnomer. My thoughts are rarely deep, except in the Jack Handey sort of way. I was going to do a post today about having nothing to prove, but I'm not feeling it, so random shite it is! Or more like a group of "why" questions that I really don't want you to answer. I think reading The Everywhereist's WTF Wednesday, planted a seed in my head.

Why do I have a neighbor who sits in his car with the door open, and blasts music in the evenings? Why is he in his 40s and still thinks this is okay to do? Probably the same reason his little mini van barely runs, and has two different colored panels, yet sweet ass rims. I would tell him he can't polish a turd, but I'm pretty sure he wouldn't know what that meant.

Why for the past two days have I left for work and seen another neighbor's dog out front in the cold? If it happens again tomorrow I'm going to knock on their door. I usually don't butt in when neighbors do weird stuff, but if I think you're neglecting your animals, all bets are off.

Why ever since I told the homies across the street, the next time one of their friends parked blocking my driveway I was going to kick my gate open so hard it destroyed whatever car was parked there, has there not even been a car parked in front of my house? I don't own the street. I just know if you block my driveway, even if I have nowhere to go for the evening, it's rude.

Why does the lady at the end of my row at work need to yell in to her phone? I am tempted every time to go and gently put a hand on her shoulder and say, "It's not a tin can and a string."

Why did i forget to download the new Leonard Cohen album yesterday? I need to do that right now.

Why, when our state is always claiming how dire the budget is, do I have a training on SMART boards next week? I'm imagining SMART boards aren't cheap. Power point presentations do the trick. This thing is totally unnecessary.

Why did I take the SSM I test yesterday and pass with a 95%, only to have to wait 'til April to be able to apply for those jobs? Now I'm going to spend the next two months obsessively looking at the jobs available in that class, and hoping there is a non-supervisory one. I REALLY don't want to be a supervisor. I just want to make the money an SSM I makes.

Why am I still bothered by the fact that someone who was supposed to be my friend, hasn't contacted me since September? I want to know why, but I shouldn't care. I should feel blessed that someone who is that inconsiderate, is out of my life. But it still hurts, and bothers me. I have left three messages and that's all I can do. I'm officially done.

Why did I forget that I had dinner plans on Friday, and I have lunch plans? Yes, I can choose healthily when I dine out, but I don't. This is going to be a high calorie weekend.

Why did the people who sit close to me in my office think the building randomly shook, when really it's that I shake my leg so hard without noticing, that the floor shakes? Now I'll hear someone ask, "Melanie, are you shaking your leg?" And I will stop and yell, "Sorry." It's one of my many strange behaviors I have no idea I'm doing 'til someone calls me on it. I also rock from side to side when I stand, like I'm trying to soothe an invisible baby.

Why did I quit drinking coffee, causing me to have caffeine withdrawal headaches all week? I know why, but right now I'm wondering if I shouldn't have decided to be a weekend drinker. I heart you caffeine!

Why was I in such a bitter mood yesterday, that I started thinking lame thoughts about my boyfriend, only to wake up this morning to a "You're probably asleep by now, but I can't wait to see you in a little bit!!!! xxxxOOOOOoooooXXXXX" email? I am lucky, and I like these notes that totally knock me down a notch, when I get in to lame Melanie mode.

Okay, that's enough random for one day. Except the random happy picture. I love community gardens. Especially renegade ones where people don't ask, but just start a garden in the empty lot next to their home or apartment. They make me very happy.

Take Your Medicine

This post is totally biased and completely my own beliefs. I'm not trying to convert anyone, or tell you what you are doing is wrong. You just might want to think about things before you rush to the doctor to get on another round of antibiotics. American medicine is wonderful in some ways, and ass backwards in others.

I think that it is miraculous how far we've come in as far as medical technology is concerned. Pace makers, chemo therapies that rid the body of cancer, organ transpants, and the laundry list of other things that save lives. All of these things are lovely and I'm glad that we have them. But I am of the belief that if we eat right and treat our bodies well, going the preventitive route, we can cut back greatly on our doctor visits.

Pharmaceutical companies and hospitals make a killing off of people who aren't well. My mom used to work oncology at a large hospital here in town. Every year the pharm reps would take them out to lunch or dinner and push their goods. They would shut down a whole restaurant and talk to the hospital staff about their goods.

Why am I writing all this crap? Because I went to get some Chinese tea and herbs yesterday, and it made me think about how rarely I go to the doctor. I generally find a holistic item to help me with what ails me, when I can. I do that because there is something sinister seeming about doctors. Also, I believe in the health at every size movement. Every doctor I visit seems to ask, "Are you trying to lose weight?" No, but I am trying to live a healthy life where I ingest good things and move my body in a way that I enjoy a few times a week. That answer never makes them smile. I had one doctor who wanted to test my blood sugars and cholesterol every time I went in. I said, "My blood pressure is better than yours. If you'd like to go race around the parking lot and see who wins, or have a weightlifting contest, I'm more than willing to take you on." He had no response and went on with how I was on the verge of diabetes. Really? 'Cause my blood sugars are better than normal. Oh, that's right, I weigh 215 so you don't need any sort of facts to explain why you think I'm on the verge of diabetes. There are just as many unhealthy thin folks as fat folks, but that's a whole 'nother post.

Doctors want me to be on a few meds for my anxiety disorder and other issues. I have refused because I find that I can function enough to get by. I have no problem with people taking meds to help them maintain their sanity. Some of my best friends take anti-depressants and mood stabilizers. They just aren't for me. I have been tempted, believe me. But until the day that I can't take it anymore without them, I'll continue to drink tea and meditate.

For some the hospital is a necessity. I'm not preaching don't ever go seek medical attention. I'm just saying if you cut out some of the shitty processed garbage, and ate a lot of greenery, antioxidants, and super foods, you may be able to cut back on some copay action and feel better in general. I usually don't push authors, but of all the things I've read, Michael Pollan seems to have the right idea. He is the one who doesn't seem to have a blatant agenda (although I'm sure he does just like everyone else). For a quick idea of his stuff I suggest reading Food Rules. My favorite one is: "Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants." His funnier ones crack me up too though like, "If it comes through your car window, it's not food." He does seem to lean that thin is better, but the rest of what he has to say totally rings true to me.

Here is a picture of huang-lian. It is a Chinese herb that is supposed to help those who have had their gall bladder removed. Apparently it tastes horrible so you just put a tiny pinch in with your tea. It detoxifies. I am excited to have found it thanks to a friend doing some research for me.

huang lian



Alcoholics Anonymous

Like many other people, I had preconceived notions about the program of AA before I got sober. I thought it was cultish. I assumed it was just a substitute addiction for folks and a crutch. I thought that while it pretended to support all spiritual beliefs, it was a highly Christian leaning organization that I would never be able to relate to. Well, I can admit that I was wrong.

Now, I'm not saying there aren't people who have made AA a whole 'nother codependent place to be unhealthy. There definitely are. There are assholes in AA just like larger society. There are bible thumpers, and people who I most certainly don't aspire to be like. It is a microcosm of society in general and as such, there are going to be people in the program that I just don't get. The difference is, that even the biggest asshole in AA, is better than most people I encounter outside the rooms.

I have often said that everyone would benefit from a 12 step program of some sort. If you really do the work, it does so much more than just keep you from drinking. I have grown in so many ways with my involvement in the recovery community. Ways that I never would have imagined when I was out there drinking.

I am way more honest than I ever was. I simply don't lie. I think that lying is an energy suck and a waste of time. Keeping up with lies requires a skill and effort that, although I was good at it, I simply don't have the time to spend on it anymore. So I simply don't do it. Often times when a friend asks a question or for advice I first say, "Do you really want to know the answer to that, or what I think? Because if you're just looking for someone to agree with you, or a yes man, feel free to retract your request for advice." I don't sugar coat things, and I'm very up front. I don't lie to my boyfriend, or any of my friends about things relating to our relationship, or how I feel about them. When they make me mad, they know it. I also am working on not giving unwarranted advice. If someone is venting to you, don't tell them what you think unless they asked. No one cares what you think about their relationship situation, unless they've specifically told you so. This I find, is the hardest one to do. When I catch myself saying, "Well, I would do this..." I try to then say, "How arrogant of me. Who cares what I would do? What do you think your next steps will be?"

In the program is where I found Buddhism and meditation in ways which I was never able to explore before. Because of this my anxiety and OCD issues have improved drastically. If I want to skip a week of mopping and go do something on a Sunday, I can do so and not freak out the whole next week about how dirty the floors are. I can go to a crowded store to shop, whereas before I would almost stop breathing if there were too many people in the space around me.

For me, AA is a place I can go and be 100% myself, and know that I will be supported. Although I feel that in the outside world on occasion, I ALWAYS feel it at a meeting. Last night I drove out to Elk Grove to my old home group, and it was exactly what I needed to adjust my attitude. It helps me realize that as humans, not just as addicts/alcoholics, we have far more similarities than differences.

I am totally honest about the fact that I occasionally go to bars, and have even been known to take friends on pub crawls to places they usually wouldn't be able to get out to, because they can't drink and drive. I used to be a huge drunk driver. I did it 100s of times and it landed me in jail. I am hoping I never drunk drive again. My friends that drink are really fun to be around when drinking, and I know that they are not alcoholics like I am. I enjoy occasionally hanging out at bars and places where most folks in recovery think you should not go. It works for me. So I'm workin' it.

I like that I found a place that will help me to stay sober. I know I can't do it alone. The thing I'm working on now is really reaching out when I need help. I have a hard time with it. I feel like at this point I should be able to self soothe. I should be able to handle stuff without having to burden those around me when I can't stop crying, or I am so mad I want to rip someone's throat out. (Ooh, I just thought of Mortal Kombat when I wrote that. I miss that game). I know my friends and my sponsor are there for me if I could just pick up the phone and utter the words, "Hey, I need you right now." I'm working on it. I'll probably be working on it 'til the day I die.

I am not ashamed that I am an alcoholic. I don't blurt it out inappropriately, but I do bring it up when conversation warrants. I think it's important to let people know that I'm not just not drinking because I'm the DD. I'm not drinking because I CAN'T drink. This made me very angry at first. I felt like a first grader wanting to stomp my feet and say, "This isn't fair!" But life's not fair. The things that I have achieved in the last two years and ten months have surpassed anything I ever thought my life would be like. I honestly thought I'd be dead by now, and the sad thing is, I was totally okay with that. Now I'm happy that I get to stick around to annoy people for many, many more years.



Happy picture of the day: I took this on the walk in to work the other day. It just looked so pretty. It also reminded me of Alfred Hitchcock.

Please don't poop on my head.

Movies

I had planned on writing an amazing post about how movies can change your mood for weeks when done correctly, but as I barely slept last night, and I am freaking out about a work laptop I brought home to prep for interviews today not letting me log in, I'm going to just put links to some recommendations. Some are old, some are new. All are movies I think everyone needs to see.

Shallow Grave:
This movie needs to be watched about 10 times before you'll get all the one-liners and black humor. One of Danny Boyle's finest. That's a heavy thing to say, seeing as how Danny Boyle has made some of the best movies in the past two decades.

Se7en
You'd probably have to live in a cave not to have seen this, but it's one of the best suspense films of our generation.

It's Kind of a Funny Story
I think this movie was really underrated, as was 500 Days of Summer. Both feel good, in a not punch you in the face with happy sort of way. Plus, both have soundtracks worthy of a mention.

Breakfast At Tiffany's
If you have not yet seen this movie I advise you to call in sick and watch it immediately. Really, rent this one with Sabrina (the original of course), and Roman Holiday and make a day of it.

Arthur
I detest pretty much all remakes that are ruining my childhood loves. Come up with some original thought Hollywood! I will never see the remake of this, because Dudley Moore IS Arthur. Plus, it has Liza Minnelli in it. 'Nuff said.

I Like Killing Flies
I have probably watched 100 documentaries in the last few years. This one I still remember like it was yesterday. Probably because my dream in life is to own a grilled cheese diner/dive bar where my servers are allowed to tell off any customer being a douche.

Chungking Express
Really, this is another one that is a favorite director of mine. You should pretty much see everything he's ever touched. The man is a genius. If you loathe subtitles, he has one American movie. I believe it's called Blueberry Nights with Nora Jones. Not one of his best works, but still great.

Sukiyaki Western Django
A more lighthearted offering from the man who brought you such classics as Audition, and Ichi The Killer. I would also highly recommend Zebraman. Good stuff.

I am a movie fanatic who watches at least four movies a week so this barely scratches the surface. I am addicted to all of the great mafia films, anything about serial killers, and I love directors who do off the wall stuff. Feel free to recommend any movies you think I need to see, or email me for more recs. Have a great day everyone!

Happy picture of the day: me at a sunset rave in '95 or '96. I do not regret those years of tons of drugs and barely making it to college classes. Dancing for hours on end, and meeting a lot of amazing folks is something you just can't regret.

Sunday Post

I usually take Sunday off, but since Monday's post is about movies and nothing at all about how this weekend has been for me, I just wanted to get some stuff off my chest. This blog is like my journal and I want it to represent the good AND the bad. Today's will be the bad.

I have spent the last two days erupting in to random crying fits. It all started when my boyfriend took pics of me yesterday morning for a project I'm going to be doing, sending my baby blue furry coat around the country a la Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. I always have a hard time having my picture taken, but I much prefer candid shots. Posing for pictures is really hard for me, because I know I'm not going to like what I see for the most part. I see myself as a spunky, vivacious gal full of life. I photograph most of the time as an ugly fat girl. The girl I saw in the viewfinder made me cry. I was able to hold it in 'til the boyfriend left a few hours after taking the pictures, but the thought of them has been making me cry all weekend. I'm even crying again right now. He showed me those pictures and I could stand 2 out of 10 of them. The rest I wanted to scream, "That is not me! I do not feel like I have that belly! I do not feel like I have that chin!" But I must, right? It's a camera, not a carnival mirror.

What makes me the most sad about it is I always think when I'm out people must see me how I see myself: a funny gal with a glow to her who has the knack for bringing a smile to people's faces. The girl who can do an hour workout with a 20 pound kettlebell and 15 pound barbells. The lady who fought through a lot and now is well on her way to actually having her shit together. But when I see the pics all I think is: is this how people really see me? The gut and the hangy chin and the sausage fingers? I know it's my perception, which I fear will never be healthy. Even when I WAS that super cute girl, I never appreciated it like I appreciate myself now. Why did I hate the soccer player with the muscly legs so? Why did it take so much work for me to get comfortable in the skin I'm in, then one thing can turn it all around even if only for a day or two, and make me hate myself with a vigor that scares me?

I know this will pass. I know that it has way more to do with the fact that life is going well and there's that sick part of me that doesn't think I deserve it. But right now I just want to curl up in a ball and punch myself in the face so that I can feel something other than this sadness.

I also feel horrible because how unfair is it that I have a boyfriend, who's a photographer, who I can barely allow to point his camera at me? The part I left out about the SF trip was him pulling his camera out when I was in the motel bed, and me flipping him off and hiding under the covers because I didn't want him to take my picture. He has so many ideas for photo shoots he wants to do with me. He finds me attractive. I've told him, "Yes, let's do that!" but I am so afraid when I actually do, I'll feel like this again.

I am working so hard to just accept that this is how I look. I don't want to be a 70 year old woman who says, "I was so cute in my 30s" as I am the 37 year old who says, "I was so cute in my 20s." I want to feel that way now, dammit! Truth be told, sometimes I do. Just not today. Most of the time I feel like I look like this. I like this Melanie.

I realize you can see my bra. I don't crop or photoshop pics. Plus, I'm hella classy so a bra showing kinda fits.

This is what I REALLY look like every day. I like this Melanie too. She has a fuller face, and a weird chin going on, but she's okay. I don't need to cry over her anymore. Not to say I won't, but I know I don't need to.

I make kissy faces at the cats. I can totally admit that.

I didn't want to let this pass and write a post tomorrow about movies. I want this blog to be an honest portrayal of me. A journal of sorts. I need to not be afraid to post when I feel like crap. Today, for the moment, I feel like crap.