When I was younger I never noticed that I did things that were different or strange, until they were pointed out to me. When I made a collage at age 11 on my closet door one of my sisters stated, “Oh wow! Everything isn’t at right angles and they’re overlapping. That must have been hard for you.” That was one of the first times I noticed that I did things differently from most kids.
So to keep it short and sweet, here’s a list of things I used to do, that I don’t anymore:
Eat my M&M’s from lightest to darkest. In fact, when I was watching As Good As It Gets and the Jack Nicholson character had all his M&M’s separated by colors in jars in his apartment, I may be the only person who noticed.
Not eat any food that was touching on my plate. I just couldn’t. The only thing I could eat touching was when I mixed my corn with my mashed potatoes and gravy. Everything else had to be in its own place.
Iron EVERYTHING. If it was going on my body, it had to be ironed. Yes, I ironed underwear and socks.
Here are things I still do:
Write down everything I eat at least 5 days a week to make sure I do not go over 1600 calories.
Keep everything in my house in very particular order. Everything has its place.
Vacuum, dust, mop, sweep, and do the bathrooms every Sunday. If I don’t I feel like the house is unlivable and can’t relax.
Do all dishes before I go to bed. I have gone to bed twice with dishes in the sink in the 15 months I have owned my home, but I was so stressed out those nights of sleep sucked, so it’s not worth it to not just do the dishes before I go to bed.
Put away all dishes from the night before, before I go to work.
Sand my feet with a Black and Decker mouse sander. I know it sounds harsh, but it works like a charm and I can’t stand having rough feet.
Use three different types of face moisturizer, two different types of foot moisturizer, and make my own sugar scrubs for my face. I can’t stand dry skin. It grosses me out. I also have two moisturizers I use only for my body parts other than my feet and face, and special salves for my elbows and knees.
Watch like a hawk when I have people over. I have to make sure they aren’t spilling something that will stain on my carpet or tables.
Need complete control of my kitchen. Of all the things I do, I know the one that I do very well is cook. I am working on this one with the boyfriend, but it’s slow going. I don’t like people using my knives, or cooking things in there.
Wipe down all surfaces in my house with Clorox wipes twice a month.
Cut up all meat before taking a bite. I can not eat anything until I have cut it all in to bite sizes pieces. I know this is bad etiquette but compulsion wins over etiquette where this is concerned.
That’s pretty much all I can think of right now. I am putting myself in situations like places that are crowded to try and get over some of my anxieties. I have only had one panic attack in the last year, and slowly but surely things are progressing. I know I can’t beat this stuff, but I can make it manageable so it doesn’t control my whole life.
In order to lighten things up here at the end, I am able to make jokes about my crazy and take it in stride. I know that I drank and did drugs to slow my monkey brain, and not have to be so much in control of my surroundings. Now I’m learning to do that without that crap, and it’s pretty awesome. My main goal is to not use these things as an excuse for why I can't accomplish whatever I want to in life. I honestly didn't think I would live to 30. So the fact that I'm 37, own my own home, and have a respectable job are all miracles. Ones I will not take for granted or allow little brain misfires to jeopardize.
Happy picture of my living room. This is how this room always looks. Except when I’m laying on the couch with a blanket over me. But every morning before work that blanket gets folded and put back in the closet where it belongs. Even though I live alone, I can’t leave that blanket out on the couch. Dammit, I guess that should go on the list of things I still do.
I feel like I'm stalking you/hogging your comments, but I also feel like there's so much I can say about each and every post. I'll try and be brief and not ramble.
ReplyDeleteAs someone with OCD since I was little, I will tell you that I think your list is minor (not diminishing your disorder, but rather letting you know my list is a mile long.) I won't even get into my list of things, but I will add that I think some of our "quirks" are things a lot of other people do as well in terms of order and whatever, but it's just that to us, NOT doing them causes anxiety whereas someone else might be able to shrug it off.
At any rate, I can relate all too well and know that living alone most likely exacerbates my situation a bit. Since I'm the only one there, I can do things as I want. The dishes are always washed and put away, the couch always has a blanket on it (to protect it from me spilling, which I always do), etc. While I can be messy at times, there's still a random order to the messiness and I know I'll clean it up soon. Messy, not dirty.
The problem is that I have an issue when other people come in my house. They have to take their shoes off and everything feels dirty when they leave. It's awful, I know, and I don't talk about it, but I know that my mom feels hurt at times. OK. I'm rambling. Thanks for sharing!
I love that you are commenting so much. :)
ReplyDeleteMy list is much longer too. I wrote this in ten minutes so this is just the stuff on the top of my head. I have to wash in the shower in a specific order. I didn't even touch on the things I have to do at work! The anxiety if I don't do these things is so overwhelming. But I've been to counseling, and workshops, and it has at least scratched the surface and helped a bit. I know it's helped 'cause I can tell in the way I react to Rich at the house. I don't lose my shit like I used to.
I hated having people at my house so much that I forced myself to have monthly themed dinner parties, beginning with my housewarming party. It helped, but I still have tons of anxiety when more than one friend is over. So mostly I have four or less people over at a time.
I live alone too so it's really easy to stay stuck in the rut of having things just so. I don't think I'll ever cohabitate. I just don't see myself ever being to the point where I can do it without going back to a place where I rarely slept, and was a basket case.
You already know about my issues, but I will list the highlights here:
ReplyDelete- My clothes are in color order in my closet. This will lead to me not putting away laundry because the task is such a pain in the ass.
- I organize m&m's and have to eat them from least favorite to favorite: brown, blue, red, yellow, orange, green.
- I count stairs in sets, even if there are only 2.
- I have a very specific regimen in the shower.
- I try to bring all numbers back to 3. I have different number associations. I don't like 5 or multiples thereof. I hate 13.
My closet it organized by clothes item: pants, blouses, sweaters, skirts, dresses. All are together.
ReplyDeleteI rarely eat m&m's 'cause they kill my tmj jaw. But when I do eat them I just eat whichever one comes out of the bag next, thank goodness.
I have a specific shower regimen as well. If it is interrupted I end up forgetting to shave a leg or something.
And you know my television volume has to be on an even number. So when you come over if we watch tv we have to find a multiple of three that is also even. Good times.
You need to come over soon. I miss your guts.
You know, after reading all the other comments...do we really have an issue or do we just prefer having a house that is presentable so we have "irks"? Take a shower by washing your hair first and ending with the body wash because it seems reasonable? Eat M&M's by color because it simply amuses us? Just sayin'. For a long time, I thought it was just me but whats wrong with having a home thats clean and welcoming? As long as it doesn't hurt, injure or maim...we'll be fine.
ReplyDeleteI would maybe think that if it didn't cause me so much emotional detriment when it's NOT clean. If I didn't HAVE TO eat my m&m's that way because of something in my brain telling me I must do it that way. No, we are not normal. But no, we are not victims or failures either. A bit damaged maybe. But hey, that adds character.
ReplyDelete