Today I Will Be Better

That's all I can say after a day like yesterday. It started off with me seeing a sign on the way to work for Iron Steak having a Prime Rib special Thursday - Sunday. I immediately thought, "I'm gonna call grandma and see if she wants to go!" Then the realization that grandma passed away before Thanksgiving hit me like a ton of bricks. That's how grief is. It comes and goes. Well, yesterday it came like a tornado. I started crying and just tried to keep it together enough to drive safely to the street where I park for work. By the time I got there I had dried my tears and was going to do the usual Melanie "fake it 'til you make it" plan. I felt myself going in to one of my blue places, and when that happens I just go with it and let it happen, knowing it will pass. I used to fight it, but that just made it worse.

So I got my things together and walked to work. I was extremely close with my gram, and just typing this is making me well up all over again. Even when I was a complete drunk I was at her house once a week to have dinner. We had one break when there was a night she was speaking ill of a family member and I said, "Can you not do that around me? It's rude and I don't like to hear it." My family doesn't know how to apologize so she said, "Really, 'cause you are the rudest person I've ever met." So I called my sister to come get me and told my grandma I refused to be around someone who was so unkind. I stayed away for almost a year. When I went back she didn't say sorry, but she was really nice to me from then until the day she passed. I miss her terribly, and still get flashes in my mind when something good happens that I should call and see how she's doing. I know that if it was her voice on her answering machine instead of the machine robot, I would call once a week just to hear her voice. As it is I found a tag on a gift bag she'd given to me and saved it, since it is the last thing I ever got with her handwriting.

I made it through most of the day yesterday not interacting. Just doing work and listening to music. When I'm in that kind of mood I rely heavily on Band of Horses, Ray LaMontagne, and bad 80s movies themes to get me through the day. Then I called someone who was obviously having a bad day. Now let's just say I used to be proud of how witty, smartassy, and snarky I can be. I no longer am. I was really snarky to that lady on the phone, and later apologized. Then I go in to the restroom and someone had left a mess. It was really hard for me not to take a picture and leave a passive aggressive note, but I didn't. I didn't mainly because I think it's gross to bring cell phones in the bathroom. Otherwise it probably would've happened. The third ick was when a co-worker kept bugging me about a file I didn't yet have. I lost it on her, and she didn't get an apology. She got a smartass shit eating grin as I verbally made her feel about as big as a gnat.

Now, I don't hate myself for what happened. I am human. All I can do is be mindful, and try not to treat people poorly today. I am focusing on the beautiful lamb chops in my fridge that I am going to fix for dinner with a balsamic glaze, and oven roasted brussel sprouts. I'm focusing on the fact that in a half hour I will be answering the AA phones and helping other alcoholics to find a meeting. I'm focusing on the fact that after that I am going to grandma's house to help with a garage sale. That one is going to be a toughy and my true test. I am not afraid of it. I look forward to the challenge of facing something I really don't want to do today, and doing it with grace with a smile on my face. To be perfectly honest, what I said to the lady at the end of the day totally made me chuckle, and I saw how easy it would be to go back to the old Melanie who thought I would teach everyone a lesson. But it's not my job to teach anyone else a lesson. It's my job to be able to look at myself in the mirror in the morning and be proud of who I am. Today I am proud of who I am.

Today's picture is skinny raver Melanie. Skinny raver Melanie jokingly kissing a cardboard cut out of Patrick Swayze in LA. It is there to remind me that I don't ever have to starve myself again to feel worthwhile. I believe I weighed about 110 in this pic, and I am 5' 9". Now, there is nothing wrong with that if that is how your body is naturally. I celebrate women of all sizes who are healthy and active. The woman in that picture was neither. She was miserable and 50 pounds underweight.

Looking at it again I may actually be pretending to lick cardboard Swayze. As sickly as I was, this picture still makes me smile.

Here's the picture of grandma I keep at my desk at work. It's how I like to remember her. Healthy with a glass of wine in hand.