I'm Fat, And That's Okay

Hi, my name is Melanie, and I'm a fatty. I am not unhealthy. I do not have diabetes nor am I on my way to having it. My blood pressure is wonderful. I eat whole foods. I work out four days a week. I monitor my calories to keep them under 1600, and my fat grams under 20, five days a week. I splurge on the weekends and have eggs and bacon, or a burger, or ice cream, or whatever else it is I want. I am not on a diet. I eat in a way that makes me feel good every day. You do not need to tell me, "You are not fat." I am fat. Fat is an adjective which describes me, and I'm owning it. I am 5' 9" and weigh 219 right now. I wear an 18 pant, a 16 dress, and a 12/14 top. I'm not trying to lose weight. I've gained and lost and gained and lost and this seems to be where my body is comfortable. So instead of fighting it and doing unhealthy things in order to try and look the way society thinks I should, I decided to just be healthy instead. Mission accomplished.

Studies show that 95% of people who diet, gain the weight back. Those who don't have to live like someone with an eating disorder. I am not interested in starving myself so that people will think I am healthy. I know that I will do far more harm to my body fad dieting and dropping weight, then gaining again, so I choose not to do that. Also, I have never met a person who lost a few pounds and suddenly all their problems were solved. I decided to be happy with who I am, and who I can be in the future, without taking a number on a scale in to consideration. That doesn't mean I don't weigh myself. I do. I don't wish to be any bigger than I am. But I don't wish to be any smaller either. If my eating and working out cause me to lose weight, I'm okay with that. I'm okay if that doesn't happen too. So far it hasn't, so I don't see a skinny Melanie anywhere in my future, and that's just fine with me.

I am constantly working on not judging other folks based on appearance. It is hard not to look at someone and assume you know how they live their life. But it's also a huge waste of time. How sick is it to look at someone else and judge them because you think they live an unhealthy lifestyle? Pretty dang sick. I don't know that that skinny girl needs to eat a sandwich. She's probably in the same place I am. She may want to gain weight and her metabolism just won't allow her to no matter what she does. It's time for women to be empathetic and supportive, rather than catty and judgmental. If we spent more time working on being good people and liking ourselves, we wouldn't have to worry about what Tom, Dick, and Harry are doing. 'Cause it wouldn't be important. We need to stop making comparisons, and just work on us.

How about instead of saying to someone, "Wow, have you lost weight?" We just say to them, "Wow, you are looking hot today. You're glowing!" Take weight out of the equation.

Our society pushes that fatties like me are an epidemic. We are causing your healthcare to be more expensive. We are ruining the world. Well, I'd like to see the evidence. There are just as many thin unhealthy folks, as fat ones. I, for one, am not buying the BMI that says "You're obese." I am fat. I am healthy. People can live with it. I know I can.

I don't work out at a gym, because I think running on a moving sidewalk is weird. I think riding on a bike that goes nowhere is ridiculous. I don't need an elliptical machine. We seem to be the only society obsessed with gyms. If you love the gym, more power to you. I need to run outside. I have to ride a real bike. I work out with weights in my back yard. The only machine I use to help with my fitness is my wii fit, for when I want to have a day of yoga, and silly cardio stuff. I like my wii fit. It's fun and it's nice for when the weather isn't cooperating.

I don't eat "lite" or diet foods, except for Smart Ones and Lean Cuisines, which I eat because I'm lazy. I hope to phase those out of my diet in the next year or so. I believe in eating normal things like butter, full fat ice cream, and other things in moderation. I believe in enjoying the food you eat and appreciating while you are chewing. I believe in mindful eating and thinking about how food is nurturing your body, while you eat.

Most of all, I believe in working to fight stereotypes. I do not go home and stuff my face full of twinkies. I do not sit on the couch with a 64 oz. soda in my hands watching Housewives. Weight loss is not a simple calculation of "calories in/calories out." Metabolisms vary. People vary. Not everyone needs to look like you. It would be a mighty boring world if they did.

That's me, working out in the back yard with a 20 lb. kettlebell. Behind the kettlebell is my huge belly, and holding the kettlebell is a large arm. It's a fit body, but it's not a stereotypically fit body. I'm coming to terms with it. I wish other people could do the same.

Growth

No, I'm not talking about the tree man, or the vishnu baby, I'm talking about personal growth. Although, that kind of growth fascinates me, I can not tell a lie. Growing older does not equal growing wiser. You can walk out your front door right now and point to a few examples of this right this minute, I'm sure. Growth takes work. Here are a few things I've learned that I need to do, in order to continue learning and growing.

Be self-aware: I don't think I'm perfect, far from it. I know and acknowledge all of my faults. Some I have already fixed, some are in the works of being fixed, and others will be with me forever. I just do what I can to make sure I am not in denial, or blaming others for why my life is the way it is. In every interpersonal relationship gone awry, I can now see that I was the only common denominator in them. I control my own destiny. Unless you are a child, it is no one else's fault if you are angry, miserable, and the like.

Stop blaming others for my unhappiness: This is kind of a continuance of being self-aware. In the past if I was broke, it was my job's fault for not paying me enough. If I was unhappy in my relationship, it was my boyfriend's fault for not being who I needed him to be. If I was pissed at my roommate, it was her/his fault for eating my food or not cleaning the way they were supposed to. But you know what? Those are all choices I chose to stay in. Wrong choice.

No seeking approval for poor behavior: Whether through putting it on social networking sites and hoping people say how right you are, or by bringing up situations while talking with folks, it is a really bad habit. I remember when I was at my worst with drinking, I surrounded myself with people who constantly talked about how I didn't have a drinking problem. People who said how fun I was and how I'd never acted really bad like SOME drunks. When I was with a man I shouldn't be I'd talk about it so that my friends would say what an ass he was and how he needed to act better. Reality of it was: I am the only one who needed to change and act better. It is really dishonest to stay in a bad relationship. If you are using someone to boost your self-esteem, it doesn't work. Self-esteem has the word "self" in it for a reason. It comes from you, and no one else.

Say you're sorry only when you mean it, and then try and fix what you had to apologize for: I find that a lot of people are like robots with their apologies. They know they did something wrong, so they automatically say sorry. Then they continue to do the same thing over and over and over. Sorry isn't just a word, it's a proclamation. It's acknowledging that you did something you shouldn't have. After the word is spoken it must be followed up by action. Otherwise, don't say it at all. It's okay to NOT be sorry for something you have said that bothers someone. If I give my honest opinion to someone, and it's not the outcome they wanted, I'm not sorry for that, and I'm not going to lie and say I am. I can say, "I'm sorry that wasn't what you wanted to hear." But I can't say, "I'm sorry that I said that" because I'm not.

Don't expect change to happen over night: With yourself, or with someone you are interacting with, true change takes time. You are not going to change something horrible, the minute you notice it and try to fix it. Especially with the big things, change is going to occur gradually over time. This is not an excuse to use when you aren't putting in the true effort to change something. Also, you can never change something for someone else. You can work on something because you know it bothers someone else, but you have to acknowledge what that change will help you out with in your life, or the change will only be temporary. True change comes from reflection and knowledge, and not because someone tells you, "You always date unworthy men. You need to fix that."

Force yourself to challenge your fears/anxieties: My anxiety disorder used to be FAR worse. I'd have panic attacks while driving and have to pull over. I wouldn't be able to invite large groups of people in to my house. I couldn't stay anywhere that was so crowded I was touching people, unless I was REALLY drunk or high. Now I can do all of these things with only slight discomfort. Why? I FORCED myself to go in to crowds and realize I wasn't going to die from their germs, or them getting sweat on me. I forced myself to drive in bad traffic. The same kind of traffic I'd been hit in by a flatbed truck that destroyed my back and made it so that I am in terrible pain at least a few days a week now. I forced myself to have people over. I had dinner parties every other month and it wasn't a huge effort to get my house back to the clean I needed, after people left. No one destroyed my home. It's still in one piece.

It took me over 30 years to get to a place where I realize I need to constantly strive to learn and grow, to be complete. I hope I never get to the point where I think, "That's it. I know all I need to know. I've reached the pinnacle of adulthood and here I'll stay until the day I die." In reality, I hope that no one does that. There's always somewhere nicer, better, and happier to be in life. We should all accept our progress, and strive for perfection, knowing that we'll never get there.

Happy picture of the day: I like how Nina looks like she is watching over my buddhas. I didn't set it up that way on purpose. I really like when something accidentally turns out looking like inanimate objects, somehow have a life force.

Tattoos

I love them. I love each and every one that I have, and I plan on getting tons more. I know they're not for everyone, and I have a ton of respect for those who know they don't ever want one. But now, for a creepy picture post in to my soul. Because I don't have any tattoos that don't represent a little part of who I am, who I was, or who I aspire to be. There is nothing worse to me than someone covering themselves in tattoos that mean nothing to them.

What? You didn't think I'd have a tattoo of a spork? PISH! Then in the middle that's my sobriety tattoo. If anyone lives near New Jersey there's a fantastic artist there that did several of my pieces, including that center one on my chest.

These are my cupcake and lollipop tattoos, which are behind my ears. They are to signify my hidden sweetness. Say it with me now, "Awwwwww."

The second tattoo I ever got was a Charles Bukowski quote on one wrist, and an At The Gates quote on the other. I consider all tattoos gotten in one sitting to be one tattoo. That's just how I roll.

The first tattoo I ever got. An om symbol, in the tramp stamp area. Oh, the irony.

I love hideous yard decor so I got the lawn gnome and pink flamingo together. Then I decided I needed to signify my metal roots. I don't listen to metal that much in my older age, but that's pretty much all I used to listen to was guitar riffs and people screaming about random shite. I got the metal hands because I kept seeing girls with cherries, and ribbons on the bottom of their legs, and I thought it would be funny to get metal hands there.

If you whine near me I generally will whip out the finger teardrops. Far superior to the finger moustache, and twice as useful.

I heart Hedwig. Some friends of mine did a local production of Hedwig And The Angry Inch. They were all going to get the tattoo and my friend said, "I'll pay for yours if you get one." That's pretty much all the convincing my hungover ass needed. Foot tattoos = ouchie. My tattoos started out having meaning, and attempting to be powerful. Then I realized who I really was was a goofball, so the tattoos needed to represent that. I don't regret any of them. All are definitely a part of who I am. My next one will be see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil with Mr. Potato Heads (one has the eyes pulled out. One has the ears missing. You get the point). After that I'm getting Audrey Hepburn followed by a montage of things from her movies that will eventually be a 3/4 sleeve. Then I'm getting John Hughes movie images on the other arm, starting with Long Duck Dong hanging upside down from the top bunk. Tom Selleck will get his face in there somehow. So many tattoos I need, so little money.

I Only Look Low Maintenance

I always look at women with their make up on, hair perfectly flat-ironed every day, and wonder how they do it. I don't wear make up or do my hair to work. I sometimes come to work with my hair half wet because it's thick and I didn't feel like drying it all the way. I think make up is fun, and my hair looks exponentially better when I actually, you know, style it, but that's just not happening to come to cubicle land.

Looking like a bum at work save my lovely wardrobe, I kind of feel like I'm deceiving everyone. There are a lot of upkeep things I have to do all the time, in order to feel human. I am obsessed with hair removal, moisturizing, smelling nice, and not having icky feet.

Hair removal: I get my eyebrows waxed twice a month, and another body part waxed once a month. I used to get my eyebrows threaded but I have a friend who's an esthetician and she's pretty magical, so she does my eyebrows now. I go to another lady for my other waxing stuff. She is amazing too. I also can't stand my legs to be stubbly or hairy. I had laser hair removal on my lip and chin. I didn't have some monster 'stache and beard, but I had enough that it bothered me. The hair removal was worth every penny. I have to go and get one more treatment for right under my nose. That area hurts the worst, and is the hardest to get to with the lasers.

Moisturizing: I have two different lotions for my body. I have two serums, and three different moisturizers for my face. I have two moisturizers specifically for my feet. Don't get me started on the smell-good lotions people keep giving me, which I rarely use. I don't want to smell like warm vanilla sugar. I want to smell like soap and girl.

Smelling nice: Obviously, I bathe regularly. I wear very little perfume but I do love DKNY Delicious, Lamb, and Diesel fragrances. You should have to hug someone to smell their fragrance. If you can smell it when they walk by, they've put on too much.

My feet: Here's where people freak out. I use a Black and Decker Mouse sander on my feet. I can not stand to have feet that are the least bit crusty. I had tried everything to keep my feet soft including paying for regular pedicures. Nothing worked. I was chatting about it years ago to a friend and she let me in on her little sanding secret. I've been doing it ever since, and I have to say I have no complaints. You just have to make sure you use the finest grain sandpaper and are careful. In my opinion it's no different than using a pedi-egg or those other shaver things.

I own make up that makes the biggest make up heads drool. I wear it only once a month or so. I have very sensitive skin so I'm super picky. Before I put on make up I use a Dermalogica microfoliant. Then I use a toner. Then I put on a primer. Then finally I use Shiseido foundation. I use a MAC loose powder, and nothing but Dior mascara touches my eyelashes. Eyeshadows I'm less picky about, and will use all kinds. I forget what kind of blush and bronser I have. I spent years figuring out what cosmetics worked for me, and now I've got it down pat. I like MAC glosses, and Dior or NARS lipsticks. I usually go dramatic with my eyes, so I keep the lips neutral. If I do just a liner on my eye, which is rare, then I will do a red lipstick.

I have found that even the simplest of ladies has their routines to feel lady-like. I have quite a few, only no one would ever guess. I'm betting everyone thinks I just roll out of bed and get going. On the days I don't wear make up I still exfoliate, use toner, and moisturize. The last two twice a day, with special night and day serums or creams. It ain't easy being a girl, or a metrosexual I suppose. I am of the belief that there are very few truly low maintenance women in the world. Even those of us sitting around in yoga pants, with our hair in a pony tail, have done at least a little work to be girly that day.

Happy picture of the day: switchblade spork. Because you shouldn't just be able to eat with a spork, you should be able to fling it out with authority, and claim your meal like a badass.

Attraction

It's different for everyone. I have never been one to think that stereotypically "pretty" people were attractive. I'm not saying I don't find any hot stars attractive, 'cause I do. But generally it's because I have seen them be interesting during an interview, or heard that they still ride the bus, or they just seem like someone I'd want to be around. My number one star crush is Zach Galifianakis. Bet you didn't see that one coming. I have been in love with him since I saw the first Between Two Ferns. His standup kills me. And yes, I think he's adorable.

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I think pretty much everything that escapes his mouth is hilarious. I even watched the dreaded Jimmy Fallon show to see his piece on it. Not shockingly, it was hilarious. I wasn't so much a fan of his SNL appearances, but I get the distinct impression he wasn't either. He seemed to really not want to be there, and to be doing it for PR purposes.

I love Paul Rudd. I want to spend the day just hanging out with Paul Rudd, slappin' the bass, and doing 80s dances. Paul Rudd seems to be someone I'd like to spend some time with. Call me, Paul.



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Okay, that picture is totally cracking me up.

I also am madly in like with Ryan Gosling. Did you see the video of him breaking up a street fight? My man! Also, he apparently still rides the bus. I'm down with Ryan Gosling. No, I did not say I'd go down on Ryan Gosling. (Still, call me Ryan. We can probably work something out).



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But on to the real life men. It's kind of hard to describe. I like someone who carries themselves well. I like someone who has a great, if not slightly strange, sense of humor. I adore someone who compliments freely. I like honesty, and someone who you can just FEEL is a genuinely nice human being. Nice is pretty much the sexiest personality trait out there as far as I'm concerned. And if you can make me belly laugh, forget it, I'm yours.

My boyfriend has all those traits. He writes me cute notes that he can't wait to see me. He looks at me in ways that he doesn't have to say a word, and I know how much he adores me. He finds all of my personality weirdness charming. Believe me, I have a LOT of weird personality traits. He lets me cuddle him like a teddy bear when I need human contact. He plays with my hair and tickles my back. He is a genuinely good man. He doesn't care when we're kissing and I start licking his cheek or blowing as hard as I can in to his mouth. He lets me dance and sing made up songs about, "Ooooh, baby, you make me want to make you butternut squash soup and eat crusty bread. Then I want to eat some ice cream and kiss your mouth when I still have ice cream in mine!" Yeah, I don't make up good songs. (I MAKE UP GREAT SONGS!) The only thing that irks me about him is he is terribly naive, and has a lot to learn. But I'm willing to be patient because his naivety is a blessing to me in some ways. He hasn't been through the terrible stuff I have. He's been blessed with a pretty good family, and great life. I can't fault him for that. He may be no Ryan Gosling, but he's MY Rich for now. And my Rich is all I need at the moment. Love you babe! (He doesn't read this but I thought I'd throw that in there anyways).

Having Nothing To Prove

It really is a relaxing way to live. I spent so many years doing things so I could prove I was a worthy individual. That shit is tiring. It is much less tiring to actually work and be the person I want to be, without having anything to prove to anyone else. The only one I have to work hard for is that person in the mirror.

When I was in my 20s and early 30s I was promiscuous. I said to myself, "Men do it all the time. Why can't I?" But it wasn't about that really. It was about me subconsiously trying to prove I was attractive. Well, men don't have to find you attractive to sleep with you. And it is far more powerful to pick and choose who gets to share your bed, than to just sleep with people because you can. I dated quite a few men before Rich, and none of them got past junior high make out phase. I told him he would more than likely have to wait. He did, until the second date. I never said I'm not a hooch. Actually, I slept with him because he felt safe. I knew that he wasn't another one of these horrible dates. He was different. He was special. Four months later, I know that I made the right choice.

I used to fight a ton. After a few years I got a reputation and never had to fight again. They nicknamed me "mafia" and "beast." Because I wouldn't sit around talking shit for a half hour. If you made me angry I would just turn and break your nose. I may utter one sentence like, "If I were you I'd calm the fuck down." But I never raised my voice, and I never caused a scene. I just took care of things the way that I knew how back then. I was a bully. The last two fights I got in to I did not fight back, and it was the most powerful feeling ever. I hope to never have to fight again. Sometimes I feel it welling up and have to remove myself from a situation. I don't have to prove to anyone I can make them sorry for being an asshole.

In my friendships I don't have to go that extra mile to prove I'm a nice person. I know I am. That doesn't mean I have to put up with bad behavior from others, or that I am a bitch if I choose to not hang out with someone anymore. I used to put up with terrible things from "friends." I no longer do. And if someone wants to say I'm too harsh, I'm totally okay with that. I don't have to prove anything any longer. It is a nice place to be.

In my current relationship we have some strife over his seeming inability to keep his word and arrive on time. In past relationships I would've just told him to hit the road. It's my way, be on time, or the highway. But now I am proud of myself. I have said to him, "Let's find a solution that works for both of us. You can continue to work on time management, which I realize you are not going to fix over night, and I can not get pissed because you show up 45 minutes after you said you would." For now, that means him saying he'll be over "around" a certain time, then texting when he's on his way. Whereas before I had to assert my power in a relationship and tell someone they need to be a certain way, I am really trying hard not to be like that. We'll see what happens with this. It may end up not working out, but at least I'm giving it a shot, rather than running. There is a huge part of me that thinks because he has never been in an adult relationship, he's self sabotaging. I used to do it all the time out of fear. I see it a little bit in him, and it makes me want to work through it. He's worth it, and I'm glad I don't have to prove I'm right, by showing him the door.

I have been working really hard to avoid drama, and be the type of woman I can be proud of. There are days when I'm not that woman, but there are mostly days where I'm really happy how far I've come. It is far easier to have nothing to prove, than to constantly be trying to prove something. Reality usually hits, and you realize you've proven nothing, except that you're a moron for caring so much what others think.

Happy picture of the day: fresh flowers. I try to always keep them in the house, but it's an expensive habit. So realistically I have some about half the month. They really brighten up a room, and make me smile.

Slow But Steady

I am home today with tummy issues. Totally my fault as I have no gall bladder and I refuse to stop eating things like red sauce, garlic, onions, curry, sriracha, and pretty much everything else that makes food glorious.

I FINALLY got my new chandelier for the house. I have had what I will not so kindly refer to as "the boob" ceiling light since I bought the place, and it has been driving me insane. So I ordered a little artichoke light from Lamps Plus and I may even try to install it myself today. The old light looked like this: boob light. The new lamp looks like this: pretty light.

I have slowly but surely been upgrading stuff in the house that I don't care for. I want everything in the house the way I want it NOW. Realistically it will take at least five years to get the house where I want it to be. A ton of people passed the house by because it has huge trees in the front and back yard to take care of. Those were a selling point for me. They provide enough shade that I rarely have to use my a/c. Oh, the house also didn't come with that. You can not survive without a/c in Sacramento. So I installed a wall unit in the living room, and one in the bedroom. I was considering central but after talking to many people, I opted for the two units, which serve their purpose just fine.

When I was house hunting I wanted hardwood floors, central heat and air, and two bathrooms. After searching and seeing what was available in my price range, I ended up with two bathrooms. That's still a small miracle since I have a two bedroom. I did NOT want to share a bathroom with guests. I needed my own bathroom. This tax return on its way will cover my sprinkler system installation, and then in a few months I'll have the lawns re-seeded. I am doing everything on the tax refund system. Next year I'll put new tile and countertops in the kitchen, and the year after I'm getting a new back fence. Some time in there the carpet will get yanked in the front two rooms and if there is hardwood underneath that'll be re-finished. If not, manufactured hardwood will be installed.

There are so many projects to be done, and it's really hard for me to sit back and know that I can't do it all at once. Chicken coop and chickens will be some day. One lane lap pool, umm, sooner or later. Swap out my repro furniture with some actual Eames pieces...possibly never. I have to focus on the fact that I have a huge master bedroom with a lighted walk in closet, a ton of storage space, and a kitchen large enough to make five course meals without freaking out. That is what really matters. Everything else is just icing on the cake. I love this house, and look forward to growing old in it.

That's my house. I really need to get rid of that hideous door too. Some day.

Happy picture of the day, besides that one up there, is my fridge. I love it when it's stock full of veggies and yummy stuff. Towards the end of the month it looks nothing like this. I get paid once a month, and I suck at budgeting. I eat a lot of sandwiches and soup at the end of the month.