When I was in my 20s and early 30s I was promiscuous. I said to myself, "Men do it all the time. Why can't I?" But it wasn't about that really. It was about me subconsiously trying to prove I was attractive. Well, men don't have to find you attractive to sleep with you. And it is far more powerful to pick and choose who gets to share your bed, than to just sleep with people because you can. I dated quite a few men before Rich, and none of them got past junior high make out phase. I told him he would more than likely have to wait. He did, until the second date. I never said I'm not a hooch. Actually, I slept with him because he felt safe. I knew that he wasn't another one of these horrible dates. He was different. He was special. Four months later, I know that I made the right choice.
I used to fight a ton. After a few years I got a reputation and never had to fight again. They nicknamed me "mafia" and "beast." Because I wouldn't sit around talking shit for a half hour. If you made me angry I would just turn and break your nose. I may utter one sentence like, "If I were you I'd calm the fuck down." But I never raised my voice, and I never caused a scene. I just took care of things the way that I knew how back then. I was a bully. The last two fights I got in to I did not fight back, and it was the most powerful feeling ever. I hope to never have to fight again. Sometimes I feel it welling up and have to remove myself from a situation. I don't have to prove to anyone I can make them sorry for being an asshole.
In my friendships I don't have to go that extra mile to prove I'm a nice person. I know I am. That doesn't mean I have to put up with bad behavior from others, or that I am a bitch if I choose to not hang out with someone anymore. I used to put up with terrible things from "friends." I no longer do. And if someone wants to say I'm too harsh, I'm totally okay with that. I don't have to prove anything any longer. It is a nice place to be.
In my current relationship we have some strife over his seeming inability to keep his word and arrive on time. In past relationships I would've just told him to hit the road. It's my way, be on time, or the highway. But now I am proud of myself. I have said to him, "Let's find a solution that works for both of us. You can continue to work on time management, which I realize you are not going to fix over night, and I can not get pissed because you show up 45 minutes after you said you would." For now, that means him saying he'll be over "around" a certain time, then texting when he's on his way. Whereas before I had to assert my power in a relationship and tell someone they need to be a certain way, I am really trying hard not to be like that. We'll see what happens with this. It may end up not working out, but at least I'm giving it a shot, rather than running. There is a huge part of me that thinks because he has never been in an adult relationship, he's self sabotaging. I used to do it all the time out of fear. I see it a little bit in him, and it makes me want to work through it. He's worth it, and I'm glad I don't have to prove I'm right, by showing him the door.
I have been working really hard to avoid drama, and be the type of woman I can be proud of. There are days when I'm not that woman, but there are mostly days where I'm really happy how far I've come. It is far easier to have nothing to prove, than to constantly be trying to prove something. Reality usually hits, and you realize you've proven nothing, except that you're a moron for caring so much what others think.
Happy picture of the day: fresh flowers. I try to always keep them in the house, but it's an expensive habit. So realistically I have some about half the month. They really brighten up a room, and make me smile.
You're absolutely right about your assessment that "it is far more powerful to pick and choose".
ReplyDeleteIt's really great to read someone who has found herself. It's empowering. You're sure of yourself because you've been the other way, made the mistakes and I, for one, am very thankful that you're sharing your experience now, juxtaposed with then. And eloquently too. Let's not forget that.
Your comment means a ton to me, so thanks. I write these things for selfish reasons; they help me. So if even one person gets something out of what I put down, that's a bonus. A bonus I'm pretty excited about I must say. And thanks about the "eloquently" part. Sometimes I think I write so poorly I shouldn't have a blog, but we're all our own worst critic.
ReplyDeleteI think everyone goes through that promiscuous stage to try and learn what they are all about. Society gives us an altered image that to sleep around means that we pretty. It's not true, but we all go through it.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that you were able to get through that and learn that it's all about who choose and not everyone. I've learned to be real picky too.
My "phase" lasted a decade. Haha. I think it's much harder to learn when you're in a drunk and drug-induced haze though. I'm just glad that's all over. I was SO SCARED to have sober sex. Thank goodness it's not scary at all.
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