Growth

No, I'm not talking about the tree man, or the vishnu baby, I'm talking about personal growth. Although, that kind of growth fascinates me, I can not tell a lie. Growing older does not equal growing wiser. You can walk out your front door right now and point to a few examples of this right this minute, I'm sure. Growth takes work. Here are a few things I've learned that I need to do, in order to continue learning and growing.

Be self-aware: I don't think I'm perfect, far from it. I know and acknowledge all of my faults. Some I have already fixed, some are in the works of being fixed, and others will be with me forever. I just do what I can to make sure I am not in denial, or blaming others for why my life is the way it is. In every interpersonal relationship gone awry, I can now see that I was the only common denominator in them. I control my own destiny. Unless you are a child, it is no one else's fault if you are angry, miserable, and the like.

Stop blaming others for my unhappiness: This is kind of a continuance of being self-aware. In the past if I was broke, it was my job's fault for not paying me enough. If I was unhappy in my relationship, it was my boyfriend's fault for not being who I needed him to be. If I was pissed at my roommate, it was her/his fault for eating my food or not cleaning the way they were supposed to. But you know what? Those are all choices I chose to stay in. Wrong choice.

No seeking approval for poor behavior: Whether through putting it on social networking sites and hoping people say how right you are, or by bringing up situations while talking with folks, it is a really bad habit. I remember when I was at my worst with drinking, I surrounded myself with people who constantly talked about how I didn't have a drinking problem. People who said how fun I was and how I'd never acted really bad like SOME drunks. When I was with a man I shouldn't be I'd talk about it so that my friends would say what an ass he was and how he needed to act better. Reality of it was: I am the only one who needed to change and act better. It is really dishonest to stay in a bad relationship. If you are using someone to boost your self-esteem, it doesn't work. Self-esteem has the word "self" in it for a reason. It comes from you, and no one else.

Say you're sorry only when you mean it, and then try and fix what you had to apologize for: I find that a lot of people are like robots with their apologies. They know they did something wrong, so they automatically say sorry. Then they continue to do the same thing over and over and over. Sorry isn't just a word, it's a proclamation. It's acknowledging that you did something you shouldn't have. After the word is spoken it must be followed up by action. Otherwise, don't say it at all. It's okay to NOT be sorry for something you have said that bothers someone. If I give my honest opinion to someone, and it's not the outcome they wanted, I'm not sorry for that, and I'm not going to lie and say I am. I can say, "I'm sorry that wasn't what you wanted to hear." But I can't say, "I'm sorry that I said that" because I'm not.

Don't expect change to happen over night: With yourself, or with someone you are interacting with, true change takes time. You are not going to change something horrible, the minute you notice it and try to fix it. Especially with the big things, change is going to occur gradually over time. This is not an excuse to use when you aren't putting in the true effort to change something. Also, you can never change something for someone else. You can work on something because you know it bothers someone else, but you have to acknowledge what that change will help you out with in your life, or the change will only be temporary. True change comes from reflection and knowledge, and not because someone tells you, "You always date unworthy men. You need to fix that."

Force yourself to challenge your fears/anxieties: My anxiety disorder used to be FAR worse. I'd have panic attacks while driving and have to pull over. I wouldn't be able to invite large groups of people in to my house. I couldn't stay anywhere that was so crowded I was touching people, unless I was REALLY drunk or high. Now I can do all of these things with only slight discomfort. Why? I FORCED myself to go in to crowds and realize I wasn't going to die from their germs, or them getting sweat on me. I forced myself to drive in bad traffic. The same kind of traffic I'd been hit in by a flatbed truck that destroyed my back and made it so that I am in terrible pain at least a few days a week now. I forced myself to have people over. I had dinner parties every other month and it wasn't a huge effort to get my house back to the clean I needed, after people left. No one destroyed my home. It's still in one piece.

It took me over 30 years to get to a place where I realize I need to constantly strive to learn and grow, to be complete. I hope I never get to the point where I think, "That's it. I know all I need to know. I've reached the pinnacle of adulthood and here I'll stay until the day I die." In reality, I hope that no one does that. There's always somewhere nicer, better, and happier to be in life. We should all accept our progress, and strive for perfection, knowing that we'll never get there.

Happy picture of the day: I like how Nina looks like she is watching over my buddhas. I didn't set it up that way on purpose. I really like when something accidentally turns out looking like inanimate objects, somehow have a life force.