I Only Look Low Maintenance

I always look at women with their make up on, hair perfectly flat-ironed every day, and wonder how they do it. I don't wear make up or do my hair to work. I sometimes come to work with my hair half wet because it's thick and I didn't feel like drying it all the way. I think make up is fun, and my hair looks exponentially better when I actually, you know, style it, but that's just not happening to come to cubicle land.

Looking like a bum at work save my lovely wardrobe, I kind of feel like I'm deceiving everyone. There are a lot of upkeep things I have to do all the time, in order to feel human. I am obsessed with hair removal, moisturizing, smelling nice, and not having icky feet.

Hair removal: I get my eyebrows waxed twice a month, and another body part waxed once a month. I used to get my eyebrows threaded but I have a friend who's an esthetician and she's pretty magical, so she does my eyebrows now. I go to another lady for my other waxing stuff. She is amazing too. I also can't stand my legs to be stubbly or hairy. I had laser hair removal on my lip and chin. I didn't have some monster 'stache and beard, but I had enough that it bothered me. The hair removal was worth every penny. I have to go and get one more treatment for right under my nose. That area hurts the worst, and is the hardest to get to with the lasers.

Moisturizing: I have two different lotions for my body. I have two serums, and three different moisturizers for my face. I have two moisturizers specifically for my feet. Don't get me started on the smell-good lotions people keep giving me, which I rarely use. I don't want to smell like warm vanilla sugar. I want to smell like soap and girl.

Smelling nice: Obviously, I bathe regularly. I wear very little perfume but I do love DKNY Delicious, Lamb, and Diesel fragrances. You should have to hug someone to smell their fragrance. If you can smell it when they walk by, they've put on too much.

My feet: Here's where people freak out. I use a Black and Decker Mouse sander on my feet. I can not stand to have feet that are the least bit crusty. I had tried everything to keep my feet soft including paying for regular pedicures. Nothing worked. I was chatting about it years ago to a friend and she let me in on her little sanding secret. I've been doing it ever since, and I have to say I have no complaints. You just have to make sure you use the finest grain sandpaper and are careful. In my opinion it's no different than using a pedi-egg or those other shaver things.

I own make up that makes the biggest make up heads drool. I wear it only once a month or so. I have very sensitive skin so I'm super picky. Before I put on make up I use a Dermalogica microfoliant. Then I use a toner. Then I put on a primer. Then finally I use Shiseido foundation. I use a MAC loose powder, and nothing but Dior mascara touches my eyelashes. Eyeshadows I'm less picky about, and will use all kinds. I forget what kind of blush and bronser I have. I spent years figuring out what cosmetics worked for me, and now I've got it down pat. I like MAC glosses, and Dior or NARS lipsticks. I usually go dramatic with my eyes, so I keep the lips neutral. If I do just a liner on my eye, which is rare, then I will do a red lipstick.

I have found that even the simplest of ladies has their routines to feel lady-like. I have quite a few, only no one would ever guess. I'm betting everyone thinks I just roll out of bed and get going. On the days I don't wear make up I still exfoliate, use toner, and moisturize. The last two twice a day, with special night and day serums or creams. It ain't easy being a girl, or a metrosexual I suppose. I am of the belief that there are very few truly low maintenance women in the world. Even those of us sitting around in yoga pants, with our hair in a pony tail, have done at least a little work to be girly that day.

Happy picture of the day: switchblade spork. Because you shouldn't just be able to eat with a spork, you should be able to fling it out with authority, and claim your meal like a badass.